Guys what does it feel like? Please tell me I have to know...

Like a warm Apple pie

Bags of sand.

It's sweaty, usually smells kinda bad, and gets uncomfortably hot. I honestly mostly sleep with girls as an ego thing. It reminds me that others find me physically and mentally attractive. Restores my self confidence and makes me more easy going.

If I want to cum easily I'll just jerk off or get head. Actual sex is honestly kind of a pain in the ass OP. Not even joking. You can probably get laid OP, just gotta be confident in your abilities and make good conversation. I'm like a chubby 7/10 at best and it's not that hard.

As proof I'm not bullshitting, pic related is my Tinder, I've got four dates this weekend, one is in an hour.

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what's your success rate on tinder dates?

Are you measuring success in terms of getting laid? Usually around 60-70%, and it usually happens on the second date. I always start with a coffee date because it's cheap and a relaxed setting.

The important thing to remember though is at least on Tinder, my actual match rate is maybe 10% of the girls I swipe right on. Can't get discouraged by not matching with that ideal 8/10 you really wanted. Girls can afford to be much more selective with who they go out with than guys can.

That being said I'm fairly excited for this girl. 7/10 cosplayer, has her own apartment (so I don't need to constantly clean mine), watches anime, and plays games. So I'm hoping it goes well, she has a great figure too.

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It feels like moist air, dont get your hopes up

user fill up a sandwich bag of lotion find a comfy bed mattress...well you know the rest

get a a fucking loan for a hooker

>OP is faggot or bot
>not Jow Forums
Report this bot lads, and sage if you post.

Not this shit again

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This is fairly spot on

user get a venus real and lube and a warmer, its the closeset thing my onahole made me realize condoms suck (was to scared to do it raw with the girl even tho she wanted it as it was my first time (I really dont want kids) )

Onaholes still dont replicate the full experince, yeah it's warm and the same feeling on your dick and you feel it expand around your dick, it feels much bettter and more natural than your hands, but you dont feel the girls warm skin or hear her moan or see her awesome tits bounce or feel her riding you or that feeling of conquest, the feeling that this woman really wants you inside of her, and last but not least that blessful feeling afterwawrds when your both cuddling and she rest her head on your chest (which is awful afterwards, it makes you catch feelings)

Yes you can watch porn but its not the same as sex. Porn is a dollar store bowel of cup ramen you shove down your thorat while hating yourself, porn with an onahole is a big mac combo you eat comfortablly by yourself at home and sex (at least with someone who actually wants to have sex with you) is a great meal at a resturant where you drink champgane and have a fun conversation with a friend. But just becuase you can't go a resturant right now does not mean you have to settle for garbage dollar store ramen, YOU'RE BETTER THAN THAT user

Should I start an onahole shilling side bisuness?

/thead

Accurate

This.
Sex is overrated.

I've tried this and was awesome m8s

10/10

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This is the truth, being horny puts blinders on you that come off the second you nut.

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they have these things called condoms now, look in to it. minimizes the risk to almost nothing and the reward is you wont go fucking crazy.

the real reason you wont go to a hooker is because you are afraid of sex because in your head youve made such a big deal about it. i know the feeling

Haha this is me.

Really this is so fucking true. You can literally bed the sexiest woman on the planet, maybe you'll spend months and 1000s of dolalrs trying to woo her, but the minute that you nut you will literally lose all interest in her.

My wife has figured this out. I browse biz all day, then when I want some pussy I start acting nice, The minute I nut I'm right back on the couch with you guys. Younger me would never believe that Ihave a hot wife that will accompany me anywhere so I'm never alone, but in reality I like being alone and shitposting.

70-80%?

Nigga please

I am 13/13 with tinder girls. If you meet them and don't fuck them, you are doing it seriously wrong

just go pay to fuck a whore if you're that desperate. they're pros, they've probably dealt with plenty of pathetic fucks like yourself.

Feels good if the girl is tight, different positions feel better. If the girl is loose you gotta slam her for like a hour if your used your death grip jerking because you will have very little sensation on each slam.

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Honestly, it's not even the pussy itself. A fleshlight soaked in warm water is a fairly accurate facsimile of an actual vagina. What is hard to recreate is the musky smell of her hole, the taste of the sweat on her cheeks, her delicate golden hair, the heat of her soft skin, her nails digging into your back as you tighten your grip on her neck, the soft murmur escaping her lips as the last breath leaves her body, the terrified look in her doe-like eyes as she comes to the realization that your grip is only getting stronger.

I guess I'm lucky in that I want to cuddle and kiss women

I just need the affection

Feels pretty good but then you have to deal with woman emotions and overanalysis of anything you say or do.

Try a pool cleaner vacuum while underwater, especially with a heated pool, it will give you the best orgasm of your entire life.

The fans rapidly but gently smack the head of your dick while giving really strong suction.

Obviously stick your fingers in first to make sure it's safe, not every pool vacuum is the same.

I've had blowjobs from 3 different women and 4 different men, I've used vacuums, cock-pumps, fleshlights, vibrators... and NOTHING compares to the pool cleaner.

I'm not even fucking kidding right now, if you get the chance, try it.

The only thing that is even remotely close to how good that pool vacuum felt was straight up vaginal sex with this fat chick who had a really warm snatch, it was like sticking my dick into a wet loaf of banana bread straight out of the oven, and yes this fucking pool cleaner vacuum was better than that.

I don't own a pool or else I'd be doing it every day.

Unfortunately the owner of the pool caught me doing it so I'm not allowed to be within 1000 feet of his house anymore but it was so fucking worth it, I'm telling you that fucking pool vacuum is like heaven.

Honestly the only reason I even want to make it is so I can afford my own house with a heated pool and of course a pool vacuum.

I can't wait to buy a dozen different brands and styles of pool cleaners and fuck them all.

I live for that day to come.

Agreed on this, sex is a pain in the ass. I'd rather get head and be done with it.

What the fuck is wrong with you people?

Just hire a hooker and get it over with ffs

Do you know the saying "sex is only half as good as you imagine it while youre jerking off?"

Its not. Its out of this world. Its the bomb. Tremendous. Beats every sunset. Imagine a cold night and you have a soft, warm, awesome smelling, tight, hot and wet and horny, energetic, purring, jesus christ, she's moaning and cumming and you can feel it and shes twitching and bam you shoot your load and you both laugh about it oozing out and your sensitive and you close your eyes ans enjoy and youre covered in juices and you come down from the high and that awesome smell and her ass is rubbing against you and you get hard again and shes moaning and you put it in and oh sweet jesus you wont last long but shes fucking herself on your dick and has one hand on your hips, pushing you into her, and the other hand on the wall, pushing herself onto you, and shes working and shes sweating and shes cumming and all you can do is bite her back to slow her down and before you bust she goes down and sucks it out of you and you ask yourself, how? How the fuck did people procreate, how did humanity make it here, when it feels so fucking good to cum in her mouth?

You're fucking glorifying sex too much. Dont.

I treat sex as like getting a haircut or getting a massage. Scratch that itch if you need to and get it from professionals and get it over with

Thats like eating only potatoes because eating is only for nutrition
Enjoy this ride, my friend

the ribbed edges made me cum soooooo hard. the spicy aspect is just that-- a meme. jalaps are the best - microwave it before hollowing for best results. I like to squirt KY in there and leave seeds for texture (vag seeds)

it feels good and all but if you do it daily especially with someone you aren't really sexually compatible with it gets boring really fast.

But when you find that one freak who is into all the same shit you are and is totally what you're looking for, its better than heroin

This is absolutely true. I've ruined myself

why are you guys all conspiring together to make my dick burn

Wisdom

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Underside of your tongue but ribbed and more wet.

I started this thread as a joke (it's a copypasta) but honestly I'm sick of this life. Man wasn't meant to live like this.

That's it anons. No more being an incel. No more spending all day online. No more wishing things were different.

Things change now! Goodbye friends. Wish me luck.

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How do you guys get girls to meet with you? I match with them but they always back out of the date
>haven’t had a date since February
Please send help

agree with all of this, i'd be content just getting head 99% of the time

I'm unironically going across an ocean tomorrow.

Try not being born with autism.

this, i used to have 5 hour edging sessions before i lost my virginity at 23 (lol) and the first time i fucked i literally went 1.5 hrs straight with a girl who was way into me, never nutted and now that ive regularly have sex i nut like 10% of the time

>5 hour edging sessions
dude what the fuck how much of your life have you wasted jacking off

Besides that?

Real Talk, user: How big are you and did she like that you've lasted over an hour?

I'm fucked, then. fuck...

Nope. Hookers maybe?

maybe go outside, you dont have to be chad thundercock to get pussy

You're not fucked, which is the problem here.

sex has more in common with shitting and pissing than anything else
read a book

We are. Nature and its shitty byproduct called "life" is nothing but a cruel joke.

>tfw no gf
;_;

what if you usually don't really enjoy eating food?

kek

;_;

It’s illegal here. If I get busted my career is over. Might have to take a flight down to Vegas...

don't be paranoid by retarded laws, it's illegal in a lot of places but people still do it, its not that risky, police aren't spending all their time trying to catch horny autists

Unironically, jerking off after handling mildly hot peppers is MUCH more enjoyable than usual.

don't be a coward

not worth the effort. you spend too much energy moving around trying to look normal while youre just trying not to nut the whole time. stick to using your hand OP.

you mean over - seas

Nigga I said 60-70% and I'm selective.

Tell them how pretty they are and be funny, don't go too hard into the flattery though or you'll look weak and desperate. I'd strongly recommend reading their bios and forming a conversation starter off something in there, and their appearance.

It’s not expressible in terms of another thing you have to experience it user

Gfs are a pain in the ass, just fuck around. Monogamy is for suckers.

It's not possible to have a conversation with someone about something you have literally ZERO interest in.

Yes it is you're just fucking autistic and don't understand how to feign interest. I work in the hotel biz, I have to have bullshit nothing conversations on the daily. If you wanna get laid either learn to bullshit your way through a conversation or hire a goddamn hooker.

god I fucking miss online dating and laying out a couple random thouts every weekend.

stuck in a boring relationship with a girl who has gained weight

can't break up with her because we have a lease together

God I am fucking going crazy. It's better to have known the wild days I guess, but I feel like having that much freedom for so long ruined my ability to stay both faithful and sane at the same time.

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dont you have likes to click on fagbook normie? seems you got lost.

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You said something that's objectively wrong and I corrected you, you immense faggot. Just because you haven't developed basic social skills doesn't mean every other user is some autistic, r9k dwelling permavirgin who staked his future and success with women on becoming crypto rich. Get off my fucking board and go make some >tfw kissless virgin posts.

Get the fuck out of there as fast as you can, user. Dump her, break the lease and eat the penalty fee. Don't let the guilt about your gf hold you back. This is experience talking, your misery will compound the longer you let it go on.

Lucky that you're a fag kek

her family financially supports her/us and want me to run their family business

on a pure cost/benefit analysis I'm fucking torn

>as the last breath leaves her body
Many will skim this twist in the story.

Pay a whore, then buy an good quality onahole and compare.
The only way sex is better than the onlahole is if the girl is really hot or if you are actually having sex with someone you have feelings for, and even then sometimes the opportunity cost for that stuff is too high.
I'd say that unless you can pick up hot women with ease, sex is not worth the effort.

Its probably because everyone treated him poorly and doesn't have much human contact so now he just wants someone to be nice and comfort him. Pretty sure everyone gets that feeling sometimes.

>90 replies on copypasta
Wow crypto really is done and you are all still virgins. Sad.

I don't think my dick when I was a toddler would've fit inside a hollow jalpapeno.

>tfw the thoughts that make me the happiest are the ones where I imagine reading in bed or watching a film in bed at night next to a loved one

it's wholesome to the point where it's sad

That's a dude.

Not my experience at all. A good healthy pussy doesn't smell bad and if a girl does her kegels, it's better than any sex toy.

If having sex is a pain in the ass, get in shape and find a better girl.

I'm in a similiar situation without the lease. I enjoy my safe girlfriend, but i feel at 25 i should still be out bucking random sloots.

I laughed at 5 hour edging sessions then I remembered that I used to have at least 2 hour wank sessions daily for many years. Shit...

try going from having sex several times a week, to never because you had to move to a small town in the middle of nowhere that is full of old people

at least I can grow pot

if I couldn't get blasted out of my mind on thc I would have killed myself by now

Nice one.

Not with me!