As soon as the lady realized that there was not, in fact, any Scotchgard in this aisle, I was pointed in the direction of carpet cleaners about halfway across the store. I embarked on my journey at once. I soon arrived, but alas, no Scotchgard. The carpet cleaners section contained, amazingly enough, only carpet cleaners. Apparently not having suffered enough from my previous two encounters, I again set out to seek the assistance of a salesperson. Each attempt proved increasingly difficult, as salespeople at this particular Wal-Mart were about as elusive as naked women at the Neverland Ranch. I had made it all the way to pool supplies before I managed to catch up to one unable to scurry away from me before I could plead for help, possibly because her fat ass seemed to weigh in excess of a metric ton. I ask her where I can find some Scotchgard.
"Scotchgard?" she asks.
Oh, Jesus. Here we go again. "Yeah, Scotchgard."
"Check the cleaning supplies aisle over in groceries," she suggests.
Yeah, that wasn't going to fly. I politely inform her that her suggested avenue had already been explored, and that she had best provide a more suitable answer before I buried my foot deep inside of her size-52 ass.
"Umm... hardware?" she says. This was not a more suitable answer. My reply, though nonverbal, seemed to convey my feelings on the subject. Long live the power of the facepalm!
So, Tubby walks me over to another sales assistant, who she then proceeds to ask, "Yo Quiero Scotchgard?"
The other associate turns to look at her and then, in perfect English, replies, "what's Scotchgard?"
Oh, God. Butterball spent a few seconds trying to explain it to her before finally turning to me and again pointing me in the direction of hardware. Eager to be away from the hungry clutches of a hideous beast likely to eat me at her next feeding time, I left for hardware.