Rumor has it that my employer may be having their employees do hair follicle drug testing

DRINK WATER POTHEAD!
DRINK TONS OF WATER AND THE DUGS WILL BE FLUSHED OUTTA YOUR SISSY BODY!

They don't. I was hair tested 2 years ago and I've shaved my head bald since the military. They took leg hair.

ITT:

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You're going to be unemployed soon, and you're going to be a perpetual link bagholder. Enjoy poverty retard

Working a job that tests your hair. You might as well kys user

Shaving your entire body will not work, they can still take your finger or toenail though that will just give a positive it negative. Hair will actually show a concentration indicating your level of use. It's BEST they get it from your head as opposed to your leg because leg hair will go back 6 months. You head hair will go back 30 days for every half inch they can take, BUT they may require there be at least 1.5 inches to use head hair or opt for body hair (like leg or arm). It's also not them plucking one hair to test, they require a mass of hair to test, so like a small bundle from your head or if it's your leg and you're like me and don't have hairy legs they will just start shaving until they feel they have enough.

I tried using methods to clean my hair out like vinegar, tide, this skin cleaner, double, triple application, for two hours at a time. It DID NOT work. Honestly the only way I could see getting around the test is to pay someone that looks enough like you (you will be showing ID) to go take the test for you. Unless you're a degenerate drug addict you only have to worry about weed probably, as I was prescribed pain meds for a procedure and took quite a bit but it never even showed up in hair even though they tested for opiods.

Good luck user.

Well I'm bald all over now. If they question my grooming procedures (as I haven't been told to get a drug test yet) isn't that discrimination?

Oh shit I just caught the reference. The dude had to get rid of all his hair cause he was pretending to be someone else.

Exaclty
Just like you pretending to be what you are not

They will clip your finger nail. And that goes back like a year. Start looking for a doppleganger and keep him in your rolodex. That's your only hope. They WILL find hair to use or clip a nail. These people aren't fucking retarded. You can't show up like you've been taking turbo chemo and they'll just saw aww shucks.

This. 99% of jobs that drug test pay less than 50k/yr

What about hair transplant of all head and body hair?

It's gonna cost more than you are gonna get paid in a year

good way to look guilty as fuck

How can they legally mutilate my fingernails?

Sadly, this one pays $150k a year. If I fail, worst thatll happen is that they'll send me to a job that doesn't piss test.

Look guilty? Men can wear fucking thongs and dance around like fucking fairies and can't be discriminated against, so now they're gonna disciminate me because of how I groom my body?

Being baby's ass smooth actually feels nice.

I've taken multiple hair tests, and been a regular marihuana smoker... Always passed when they got leg hair, I gave armpit hair one time and failed... I just recently did the same thing as OP... You don't have to shave to the skin with a razor just less 1/4" or less and they won't be able to get a good sample.

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At that point do they just make you UA?

UA? The current place I am testing for will let me have another chance to grow some hair... Some places may fail you instantly, but there are dudes who like to shave everything, so I doubt most places do that. It is my understanding that head hair shows the most because it grows the fastest, beard hair might be the same.... Leg hair stays where it is and doesn't have a chance to soak any drugs into it because new hair is not growing... I don't know the exact science, but like I said, passed multiple leg hair tests being very dirty... Failed armpit hair after abstaining for about two months.

You are very naive dude. Stop smoking and grow your hair out 1.5 inches on your head. I took like 8 court ordered hair tests in the past year. Heed my warnings.

I have been bald for like 8 years now. Clean shaven.

Shaving your hair doesn't remove the follicles. They'll still get a follicle by digging into your skin, it's much more painful that way.

What I don't get is why does it matter what I've been doing with my body, as long as I'm fit for duty when I'm working.

Pretty sure this doesn't happen kek

No man. No they don't.

Shave everything, and when they start bitching just tell them you identify as a woman and how dare they mock your identity. Not even joking, if you say you are a woman and they try to fuck with you in any way shape or form you can easily sue the shit outta them. It's fucked, but true.

Well I'm fucking out of this thread. Your dumbass is talking about muh body, muh rules, thinking they give a fuck. You're retarded.

They'll then just do a urine test.
You dumbass.

That would work but I'm pretty sure I said I idenitified as man in the paperwork already . I'll just bitch about how they can discriminate me as a drug user because I groom my body.

It doesn't matter, you can "be a man" one week and "be a woman" the next in the eyes of the federal government. Literally had to listen to some Fed HR type fuckhead explain it all to us at our company becuase there was an incident about it. It's what you claim to be at the moment that matters and it applies to any public company. And you don't have to look anything like a woman. Look it up. It's retarded, but might as well use it to your advantage.

Or they require a security clearance.

this but unironically

yes just tell them you're gay and your boyfriend likes you smooth shaven

I think it may mean an insurance discount in manufacturing environments.

Ah we have a high IQ bizlet. Yeah. The job requires security.

I think I'll be fine. Here are before and afters for comparison. I don't think I could pass as a professional swimmer

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holy shit

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Jesus christ lose some weight you fat piece of shit

Everyone is going to think that you're a weird shaved head sex pervert for the rest of your life.

Fucking KEK

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you look like a grown ass baby wtf

dear god

> spread rumour at work that they are going to do hair drug test
> one of your coworkers shows up the next day as hairless as a baby

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Good grief

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Butterbean.

hit the gym fatass and buy more chainlink

Is that you Craig?

fuck, you look so much better with chest hair nohomo
hit the gym and get strong so u can look like this nohomo of course

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it's an easy way to do layoffs user

switch genders and threaten to sue for prejudice

Even your eyebrows and lashes? (Assuming that they can be used for testing, I wouldn't know being as I am not a junkie)

Eat poppy seed bread all week as part of your new diet
Tell them to get a warrant
Get a ez false positive
Sue for big bucks

>that was pajeet pnd after all
OH NO NO NO NO

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What sort of kikes do you work for lmao absolutely K I K E D

Poor wagecuck

missed some hairs on your right foot lol

OP is a confirmed mutt. What other nation would subject their slaves to such conditions?

Suicide bomb the office

Kek

>you make financial decisions based on opinion of people who look like this

>he thinks shaving gets rid of the follicles

You'd have to PULL OUT every single hair dude.

I had that once, they shaved my chest hair. It supposedly can detect drug use as far back as 90 days.

Doesn’t work for hair testing unfortunately.

What kind of shitty job do you have that is going to hair test you.

Every one i worked, from driving trucks to the military, just piss tested.

>not wearing a fake penis with fake urine at all times

fucking casual

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>the absolute state of druggies in 2018

>we need you to do a hair drug test
>ok no problem
>come into work without any hair
>ha ha it's just my habit
Totally not suspicious and grounds for immediate dismissal.

I hope you lose your job, fucking druggie

sorry it's my condition, I lose all hair on Thursdays

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Can't shave away the follicles. A secret of this testing is that typically an employer will only have between 5%-10% of the samples actually tested to save $$$

Oh shit it's Alex Jones

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>cut a piece of your body off and give it to us for testing or else you're fired

wtf how is it legal that an employer can request a PIECE OF YOUR FUCKING BODY?! i heard rumors of this at my work place but always thought i could just reject based on religious grounds or some bs (not religious, but they can't prove otherwise)

I think you are hot AF, would love to bottom for you.

I know you're tryna be funny but in freemurrica employers can fire you for being gay

I think you look good, user. Don't let these other anons make you feel bad. Anyways I don't think your plan is going to work, they will find other ways to test you besides hair even if you somehow managed to be completely hairless.

>stinky linkies are all bear mode gays
what timeline is this

Holy fuck I love Jow Forums

Hr can't discriminate but ppl still know you're a giant fag

This. You can be termed for any reason lol

Shave yourself completely trap full body bald, except for a nicely groomed patch of public hair. Then make them pluck a few while you stand there with your hands on your hips, grinning wildly, thrusting your half-mast towards their face.

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Bring a box of thc laced cookies at work and make everyone eat
They can’t fire everyone

You look really short for some reason.

Jesus Christ... is this another American thing or what? Why are americans such cücks? Cutting your dick at birth... mandatory drug drug tests at work... you guys have no sense of physical integrity what so ever. Whats next? having to strip at airports to catch a plane? Jesus Christ... the absolute state of burgerland.

>What I don't get is why does it matter what I've been doing with my body, as long as I'm fit for duty when I'm working.
Because jews. Literally, jews.
Companies are forced to do this invasive bullshit so their Jewish masters will continue to offer them the (((insurance))) that they are required to hold, lest their jewish bankers who hold their (((mortgage))) and (((business loans))) and handle their (((credit card processing))) will stop working with you.

Why not just stop taking drugs and stop being a degenerate?

Not me, just saved someone from fit. He's 5'8 IIRC and his high bodyfat makes him look even short

They can do a hair follicle test on any hair on your body. Hope OP shaved off his eyelashes too

>Be CEO
>Start a rumor that the Company is planning a hair follicle drug test
>watch my employees suddenly become hairless
>Meeting rooms full of dildos with ears
>Everyone has razor burns everywhere
>kek jewishly