>Let's circle back to that item later, it seems out of scope
>I added Brian's team to the weekly meeting, I'm hoping to leverage some synergy between groups if we focus on our core competencies
>We can touch base during tomorrow's standup, give you some time to get the lay of the land
>I want to highlite our value add and show that this is a win-win
>I'm feeling out of the loop here, when was the last time Frank ran the numbers?
>Carl is going to do a deep dive into the data and perform a drill down into our key customer segments
>This initiative is really going to move the needle on our top KPIs
>We can already make this a game changer by taking care of some low hanging fruit
>Let's take that offline, ping me when you know you'll be available
>We're not trying to boil the ocean here, our north star hasn't changed
Tomorrow, wagies
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i refuse to believe this is real. id kill myself the first day working.
student here. Does this, obviously i a less exaggersted form, actually happen in offces?
Wageslave here.... YES.
Haha foreigncucks, it's LABOR DAY tomorrow in the USA! 3 day weekend fuck yeah!
Carl and Frank are the 2 males in a department of 30 doing all of the work
and what, everyone thinks it's norma;? No one starts cringing or laughing
you don't cringe or laugh at the person who controls your single source of income
This.
No. Not if you want your boomer boss to get insulted and fire you, so he can finally hire stacy who plays along and likes his sexual innuendos.
This is real. This kind of business jargon can be heard on a daily basis if you surround yourself with idiots who try to sound intelligent.
>tfw engineer
>tfw almost all colleagues are also engineers
>tfw none of this ever happens
WEEKEND ALREADY OVER
FUCK ME
I DON'T WANT TO GO TO WORK TOMORROW
Carl sounds fucking essential for this corporation.
ITS LABOR DAY TOMORROW FUCKWIT!!! AMERICFATS WILL BE DRIVING JOHN DEER LISTENING TO SCORPIONS!!!
You better believe it mother fucker
How do I avoid a life like this? Serious.
Yup.
And you have to smile and agree through it, even use that language sometimes too if you want to move up the ladder.
Where do they learn to talk like this? It's like aliens consulting a human phrasebook.
>Mutt tries to impress with his 1 day off. Only gets 2 weeks vacation.
Everywhere else in the world we get 1 whole month vacation. Hahaha suck it like a corndog, lard ass!
All of th phrases used there have concrete meaning and serve to prevent serious problems down the line.
>neets trying to understand productive cooperation
Good catch, John. See everyone? This is what I'm talking about!
Productive cooperation and constructive criticism. These are the bases for improving and radically restructuring our processes!
Come to my office in the afternoon, John. I'll let you eat from my hand.
>cooperation is domination
Neets are hilarious. Enjoy never being able to manage a company.
OH
WAAAAAAAAAAGIEEEEEEE
OH
WAAAAAAGIEEEEEEEE
yes, FML
Soon to be startup coowner, try harder. Enjoy managing your cockroaches behind the sofa.
>tfw 30 day paid vacation every year
>tfw affordable healthcare
Americans are a joke and the US is a failed experiment
oh, it is
>Are you tracking?
>I'm tracking.
thanks for the early morning depression
Go to trade school instead of a 4 year college.
Please God save yourself.
>Listening to the tradie meme
>Wanting to work with people who are openly and proudly retarded
>tfw engineer in sales surrounded by non-engineers
live is suffering
>Be me
>computer science and economics major
>work at car dealership part time
>sit in comfy a/c office while sweaty tradies suffer in the cold outside
>lunch time siren goes
>they get out their sausage rolls
>mfw have to eat lunch in the breakroom with tradies
>mfw they resent my intelligence and aircoinditioning
>mfw they make fun of my avocado sandwich
>We'll cross that bridge when we get there
>says anything. Boss: Fantaaastic
>It looks like you're cutting corners
its 100% real. office wagies says shit like this to try and sound smart
shes a retard = this position doesnt play to her strengths
OP you've given me PTSD.
I am an EIT with a job in engineering but I'm not an elitist faggot. Wish I'd gone to tech school. I could be an electrician making as much as I am now without dealing with office niggers.
SHUT THE FUCK OF STEVE EVERY GOD DAMN STATEMENT DOESN'T NEED TO BE FOLLOWED WITH "TRACKING"
These "people" dont even sound like human beings.
>let me check my calendar and get everyone in a room so we can go over the details
Good job team. Really really proud of we were able to accomplish this quarter. Let's push the needle even further next quarter.
That's a meme you fucking dumbass. My firm gives us the week of Christmas and 4th of July off and starting off, we accrue 10 hours of vacation every month and have several floating holidays.
"Throw some time on my calendar."
This is unironically 100% real.
>non executives complaining about executive-speak
Lmao. Enjoy your 10x lower salary.
My boss has unironically said some of these exact phrases.
t. Boomer
>just wanted to take your temperature on this one
>steve would be on it but he doesnt have the bandwidth right now
>ok lets circle back on this one
I started working as a mechanical engineer. I wish I would have known beforehand that engineering is a meme sold on lies by universities. I now envy the neets.
>make clear statement to employee
>he spazzez out internally because he considers the words as some form of cucking
>he fails to do the task
>I have to push the deadline forward to the detriment of the whole team
>have to now babysit an adult baby in the world of cooperating with someone else than he slavish mother
>no fucking time for that
>get rid of him
>the entire team feels relief
Tomorrow is Labor Day in the US so fuck off we get 1 more day
>i know our department is about 1½ years behind schedule and we're severely understaffed but the higherups have refused to increase our budget because we're underdelivering and they are expecting us to make a release on these four different projects that we have been working on for the last two years out of which maybe one is complete and the other three still need work and testing before being releaseable but it doesnt matter that they arent finished, you just have to make the release so the higherups can continue their political powerplay within the company and get fat bonuses while also publicly show disappointment at our department because nothing we released actually worked or was tested enough
boy do i look forward to going back to this shitfest
You're going to hate adult life. Maybe you already do?
Fuck you cunts must work in some weird offices.
Seen someone fired for less, wouldn't have it any otherway. This meme speak clearly doesn't work and I imagine half the companies you cunts work for are avarage teir at best
Yep.
>Let's circle back to that item later, it seems out of scope
>We can touch base during tomorrow's standup, give you some time to get the lay of the land
>We can already make this a game changer by taking care of some low hanging fruit
>Let's take that offline, ping me when you know you'll be available
These are reasonable apart from the term game-changer. The rest you'll only encounter in shit-tier to average companies
Just to explain to everyone not in-the-know, business jargon is politeness. Compare each line to a likely honest alternative.
>Let's circle back to that item later, it seems out of scope
"Stop going off on tangents, sperg."
>I added Brian's team to the weekly meeting, I'm hoping to leverage some synergy between groups if we focus on our core competencies
"You gaggle of fuckups couldn't learn to be useful if you had six months and a brain."
>We can touch base during tomorrow's standup, give you some time to get the lay of the land
"I'm tired of talking to your stupid asses, repeating the same shit over and over."
>I want to highlite our value add and show that this is a win-win
"You can be unliked or appear useless. Right now, nobody likes your asses and I don't want to have to drop the headcount I brag about managing on my LinkedIn profile."
>I'm feeling out of the loop here, when was the last time Frank ran the numbers?
"You fucks are fucking up. Do you at least have adult supervision?"
>Carl is going to do a deep dive into the data and perform a drill down into our key customer segments
"Carl is going to do actual work. Stop inviting him to your fantasy football drafts during work hours."
>This initiative is really going to move the needle on our top KPIs
"Don't fuck around on this."
>We can already make this a game changer by taking care of some low hanging fruit
"Management is already planning to fire at least half your asses. Here's how we can keep the other half busy and employed."
>Let's take that offline, ping me when you know you'll be available
"Stop going off on tangents, megasperg."
>We're not trying to boil the ocean here, our north star hasn't changed
"Stop working off on tangents. Any thought or effort you've put into this garbage is completely useless."
They usually learn this way of talking through HR or managing classes. Or they mimic their superiors to try and fit in. They then talk like that to their colleagues to sound intelligent
I rather have the latter. Atleast i'll have a laugh when my boss is sperging out in the meeting room
As would I, unfortunately we have to hire women and coloreds and lawsuits exist for creating hostile work environments.
Even aside from that, being honest/hostile will cause people to either dig in or shut up. The former causes resentment and sabotages the subordinate/boss relationship. The latter can cause actual problems to fester and majorly fuck up the business. You need to give people flex.
We just recently got a boss like this and I'm not an office drone I'm a housekeeper in a large commercial building. He won't stop saying 'lets touch base' all the time. My last boss was a human who talked normal. He is also incompetent, can't remember his employees names, their jobs, or what floor names are. He couldn't pronounce some girls name so he called her T. Her name started with S.
This should be the first and only reply every time that stupid pasta is posted
>We're not trying to boil the ocean here, our north star hasn't changed
This one always cracks me up, has anyone actually heard this?
wait I thought I was under control of my sources of income.
also OP no wonder you're a NEET if you can't even spell check properly
en.wiktionary.org
Do actual work that leaves actual results behind. If your job consists only of writing e-mails and having meetings all day, something is wrong.
"The group members feel understood because they all use the same words and it generates a sense of camaraderie
Complex situations are often reduced to a few words, and this begins to shut down the critical thinking of the members.
When the jargon is second nature, talking to outsiders may become tedious and awkward and this keeps group members isolated from outside influences."
This is how cults work.
dude look up "how to update your CV and get another job in 2 easy steps"
I have heard 'boil the ocean'. I had a boss who would often say "we're not trying to set the world on fire here". He was trying to say lets only make a small change but the metaphor is so retarded, setting the world on fire means destroying it completely.
"John you're critical path here. We need your best on this"
Lmfao you sweet summer child
Every other day
"Please save us, all your colleagues are incompetent fuck ups"
First world government employee here; every single manager and team leader uses this kind of lingo to hand off responsibility like a hot potato.
Corporate F100 here, the meme speech is 100% accurate.
>Let's circle back to that item later, it seems out of scope
when the scope hasn't been clearly defined before this point and when the raised issue CLEARLY impacts on the project at hand
>We can touch base during tomorrow's standup, give you some time to get the lay of the land
"I don't have time for this discussion right now and I don't like the idea of it anyway as it may highlight some things I forgot to take into consideration; get back to me tomorrow in the much shorter, around the desks standup 'meeting', in the 2 minutes you get to speak near the end when I'll probably have left for my much more important meeting the big boss"
>We can already make this a game changer by taking care of some low hanging fruit
That low hanging fruit is a totally different project that was supposed to done by now, by this other small group, but sure thing boss, I'll get right on it so you can mention it to your big boss in the morning.
>Let's take that offline, ping me when you know you'll be available
"Please stop being a human being with thoughts right now, commence being my slavebot untill I've finished my coffee and you've completed everything you've ever planned on doing"
Brainlet who has never worked in an office with more than 40 people detected
tomorrow is Labor Day, no work. Jokes on you neets.
Yeah... I'm gonna have to ask you to come in tomorrow.. yeah that'd be greaat.
Healthcare is a meme. Health workers are nearly all incompetent drug addicts. Government runs medicine to make sure market automation doesn't create affordable healthcare or bring immortality to the people. ((They)) want to kill you, like they killed over 100,000,000 last century.
>Let's circle back to that item later, it seems out of scope
>Don't stuff the project with pointless shit, nobody cares about you wanting to show off.
>I added Brian's team to the weekly meeting, I'm hoping to leverage some synergy between groups if we focus on our core competencies
>Let's work with people outside our incestuous circlejerk. Perhaps we will be able produce something that is of any value for once.
>We can touch base during tomorrow's standup, give you some time to get the lay of the land
>I understand that your fresh and don't know anything. Don't want to stress you out with giving you assignment you have no idea how to tackle. We'll let you immerse and learn for a while.
>I want to highlite our value add and show that this is a win-win
>Let's do some marketing and perhaps we will be able to get some bodget/investments to hire non-pajeet developers to do something in the next months. As of now, we are the only fucking ones that know what we are doing.
>I'm feeling out of the loop here, when was the last time Frank ran the numbers?
>Let's keep in touch with reality instead of sticking our head in our asses. We have to produce something relevant ffs.
>Carl is going to do a deep dive into the data and perform a drill down into our key customer segments
>Holy shit, we don't know what our customers are? *throws chair*
>This initiative is really going to move the
needle on our top KPIs
>We can't afford to lose any more developers due to lack of meeting criteria for success. Fuck Frank was good, but he had to be let go due to budget cuts, let's not fuck it up this time.
>We can already make this a game changer by taking care of some low hanging fruit
>Let's deliver a minimal viable product to show that we are not scamming pajeets. The market is full of scammers, and we are not.
>Let's take that offline, ping me when you know you'll be available
>I'd like to discuss things in private because I value your opinion. The fact that it will be off record will allow me to be sincere.
>We're not trying to boil the ocean here, our north star hasn't changed
>Take your 'nice things to add' and shove them up your ass. No time for your histrionic cries for attention.
Mutt here.
2 weeks worth of holidays.
2 weeks paid vacation starting, increases with tenure.
2 weeks optional unpaid vacation.
Also forgot 2 weeks of sick time. Paid out of you don't take it.
yea thats just about my average work day at Jow Forums-co ltd
including all the pajeet names
yes, it's fucking funny too
>this thread
>he thinks it's a joke
OP you forgot to include 'agile'. that is being thrown around a lot nowadays.
I DON'T WANT TO GO TO WORK TOMORROW
>obviously i a less exaggersted form
btw op isn't exaggerating. they ACTUALLY talk like this
this makes me cut my viciously cut my wrists. no -- cut my fucking hands off. especially the "We can touch base during tomorrow's standup, give you some time to get the lay of the land" one
do y'all just like using fucking retarded platitude phrases or something? there are a near-infinite number of other ways to say these things without sounding like a low-budget TV-show's take on a business meeting
The boomer meme is evolving nicely
The polite business shorthand doesn't require additional thought. People will mentally associate "touch base" with "create calendar appointment in Outlook", for example.
people like you are often the most offended by addressing their deficiencies. They think they aren't because they were never criticised.
In short, the cushion around the blow is exactly for spergs like you.
>We're not trying to boil the ocean here, our north star hasn't changed
kek
good on you for thinking outside the box user
>tfw wageslave at a bank
>am literally Gregory House of banking
>have told people they arent vedy bright with money and need to control their spending and will get into bad debt if they don't which is a big no no because banks thrive on debts
>everyone likes me because I dont do any of this customer service BS
>I give actually good financial advice based on the industry and not just our bank
>people trust me and they should
>if someone has a better offer from someone else I'll tell them the best we can do and if they can beat us to go with them, just make sure you know what you're getting into
>I have the best sales in the region