Alpha office moves?

>doesn't assert office dominance
never gonna make it

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>possess large testicles
>6 inch flaccid penis
>wear tight pants everyday

Not a person here who doesnt know shape of my penis head

>2:58pm
>see meeting room is empty
>go in and let out a nasty deadly fart I’ve been holding in since lunch
>leave before anyone sees me and watch people entering for the 3pm meeting

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brap

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>have toilet next to meeting room
>always go for a piss before meetings
>piss directly into the water so everyone can hear it loud and clear

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I just tell them I do zumba and wii-fit

Yes it's bad.

It's literally to save on office real estate, incredibly distracting way to arrange an office.

Asshole != Alpha

>leave during any meetings that are a waste of time
>speakerphone when you're doing calls from your desk
>"I have to take this" when you get a call in the middle of a conversation

You got a parking lot at your office? You need to paint the parking lot.

Cringe

Are there people who unironically don't do this?

Betas

Me? The most alpha move of all time... I simply don't turn up at all and Stein doesn't even notice, because why? Well, of course, you already know the answer to that question. You see, I'm a big bad NEET.

I don't run around for shekels like some teeny bopper for someone else's money, man

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Based

>religisouly shit at 9:30am everyday
>befriend cleaning lady so she lend me the bathroom keys
>block bathroom and let other workers use it only after I have done my monstrous shit

They hate me, but I've been doing this for three years now and my boss think it's funny

Refer to every as bub or guy.. it's important to make sure everyone below you knows they have the same title.. just like Santa to his elves.. Billy Bob is the man

>Go to executive bathroom on the second floor after lunch
>take giant protein dump
>dont flush
been doing this for a year and a half.

Repeadetly mutter peepeepoopoo under your breath while working.

I’ll do you one better: my CEO has his executive assistant pull my finger before I let one rip.

based

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I get 1 hr of peace every morning before the customer service harpies come in and start bitching about everything. Open office also allows me the pleasure of being able to hear everyones' private conversations and phonecalls going on at the same time. It is constant, mind numbing noise that slowly but surely pushed you over the brink.

This actually, who would have thought NEETS being more alpha than alpha chads who work for someone else, but it's true

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Just get some noise canceling headphones my man. Everyone in my office wears them. It makes the open floor plan almost bearable.

well yeah, that shit is always arranged in such a way that your back and computer screen is directly in front of 2 or 3 other workers. you get to have someone looking over your shoulder as you work all day long.

Leave for a smoke break every half hour and take toxic shits in the executive bathroom, walk out, and say “nice place you got here bossman”

ITT: Reasons for why office shootings happen.

>leave last at night
>jerk off and jizz everywhere

>steal the nespresso coffee capsules

>take long smoke breaks where i smoke 2 cigs at once

>sometimes when i'm alone in the office i do ketamine and watch animu

>steal pretty much everything i can

>sometimes go on a rant about how my food disapeared from the fridge
>jokes on them i haven't brought anything

>alone in my skillset here so i can lie about how long it takes to do what i do

>spill coffee on carpets intentionally

>throw the company metal fork and knives from teh kitchenette in the trash
>now everybody eat with plastic ones again since the management didnt wanted to replace them

>take smoke breaks during bullshit meetings

>shit 3 times a day

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None of that is alpha.

You're just a shit human being.

quit without saying anything

This thread smells of white people.

Fucking based
Fucking cuck

Based, redpilled, and high IQ (>150)
Cringe, bluepilled, and low IQ (

Yeah because only white people work in office jobs instead of unskilled labour and dealing crack on street corners

Yes acting like a lowly criminal and stealing shit is so based and alpha.

If you have to resort to such shit you will never make it.

I keep a gong in my cubicle that I hit at the end of my shift

I also bring high quality lunches and leave in the public fridge until they go bad

of course it does, we're the only ones that actually work

> Bring in microwave pop corn, pop corn smell every day at 10:30. Don't eat it just, make it open bag and toss it.

> Leftovers gone bad at home? No problem. Add some curry, bring that shit to work and microwave the hell out of it. Leave it out while I decide to just have a sandwich instead.

> Park car really close almost over the line to bosses parking spot when possible.

Omg I freelance and I hope everyone is trolling. Seriously do these things and you’ll be the talk of the office. Even if they fire you, the network/recognition is the only thing that matters. Years later after being fired, “Hey user, you’re the guy who jizzed and spilled coffee all over the office right? That was great! Fuck that place. Are you still looking for work because my company is hiring?” Tboom. Stay frosty queers.

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Died on first line

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i do not assert dominance, i show dominance. by showing how little this job means to me, people understand. asserting dominance is what politicians do. it's for the insecure and the douchey.

i once told everyone in my office we were invincible because our boss was incompetent and "if anyone here could get fired, he would be." we laughed and it brought us all together and kept a few people from quitting who were feeling pressured by our awful boss. i now run about half of engineering. good times.

>implying brownskins ever work

That could backfire. You got lucky. If you don’t understand satire and office pranks you’re posting in the wrong thread.

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Work is for beta cucks. You literally CAN’T disprove this.

nah us alpha chads need to channel our high T drive to conquer and achieve somewhere. you basedboy neets wouldnt understand...

backfire saying our boss is incompetent? naw, he was incompetent. he was let go for promising everything and delivering nothing in his two years here. and if it did backfire, then it's a place i don't want to be working at. and i don't care about this job anyways, remember?

what i care about is DOING a good job which is completely different.

> slaving for shekelstein is “conquering”
lmfao speaking of basedboys...

>I keep a gong in my cubicle that I hit at the end of my shift

holy fuck I need to do this

Yeah you sound like you got it figured out. Glad it worked out. The boss [i]could[/i] be in cahoots and trolling everyone to pick out objectors, is all.

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>Seething Cumskins detected.

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"OPEN FLOOR PLAN" Pro Tip: It comes from social psychology, the entire point is to make everyone interact with everyone else and merge into a team, losing their individual identities in the process. It's literally designed to stress you out, remove any privacy, make it impossible to escape, and force you to submit to the corporate structure. So, if you want to be anything but insane, you need to get away from this or learn to cope emotionally every single day.

t. Industrial/Organizational Psychology graduate. All of society is a psychological confidence trick for material extraction. Welcome to hell.

>look at people asking you simple questions like they're mentally retarded
>keep asking them to explain what they want exactly until they realize they just want you to do shit they could do themselves

lol

>new first job
>work training 2 hour drive away
>think i have to be nice and do nice things for coworkers so i offer to drive.
>Boss expects me to drive everyone now cause no one has licences
>drive the 2 hours with coworkers
>basically get fired during the training for insulting an autistic person's presentation
>run out there while my coworkers try to stop me and drive home and quit over text
>coworker gave me gas money

Here are things I learned never to do if you want to keep your job:

>be nice to coworkers
There is no reward. It's just a sign of weekness
>be honest
again, no reward. If the autist's presentation is bad, say it is good.

Samefag

Imagine actually having brown skin LMAO

Cringe but only because of the reddit spacing

>If the autist's presentation is bad, say it is good.
You don't tell people their presentation is bad, you tell them how they can improve. You should have had training in how to provide feedback.

Turn the thermostat way down and watch the thin-skinned females literally tremble at your power

I'm sure you're the most popular person in your office!

fag

>alpha
>work for someone else

Unless you own that business you are officially a beta.

>industrial/organizational psychology

Piss on a tree you fucking animal

All the mad betas in this thread lmao

no one is impressed with your struggling vape juice business

terrifying

>skip cooler chitchat
>snub after work drink parties
>show up once just to snatch the cute girl all beta colleagues are pining for
>bring her back to your place
>when she expects to be fucked, go to sleep
>get to the office at 10 the next day
>go to meeting
>pretend to take a nap in front of everyone

It shouldn't be necessary. But it is what it is.

It's usually bad. I'm currently in a somewhat tolerable open office but that's because not all the seats are filled for now.

The most alpha move is getting your shit done days early and walking around socializing then disappearing. Then being offered the promotion while being invisible to everyone but your supervisor. This leaves diversity hires seething.

I talk cordially to everyone, always try to leave a good impression, and generally treat those below me with compassion and respect

we /respect/ gang out here

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Kek

Based&alpha pilled

>park near the most expensive looking car and slam my door open with enough force to leave a paint chip
>intentionally show up late enough to where its not enough to get fired but enough to have an excuse to clumsily speed walk around bumping into shit and ruining it
>bonus points for walking into people who are actually in a hurry carrying binders or stacks of paper
>buy a shit ton of coffee from starbucks, never drink it, just leave it stinking up the place because coffee is a cope for roasties
>will leave it somewhere away from my desk hoping someone takes a cup
>if I catch them make a big deal out of it and lecture them on selfishness, drawing it out and using it to point out flaws in their personality and go out of my way to make a scene and make them feel awkward as fuck and wrap it all up with a satirical post ironic rant about me not being able to function without coffee which is a humorous reference only I will understand and will force roasties to agree with me making me look like a victim
>blast Limp Bizkit from my phone during bathroom breaks
>blast The Talking Head's "This Must Be The Place" from phone during smoke breaks while leaning against the nearest window
>every time the higher ups are around I use business movie quotes while using a slight new york accent to "impress them" when in actuality i'm really mocking them because my real knowledge of the business world is limited to the movie Wall Street
>make sure to call the higher ups "kid"

Old office job I could clock in whenever I wanted. I'd go on the weekends when nobody was in, clock in, eat pretzels and drink coffee and just watch soccer games on the computer. It was fuckin based.

it's hell

Sounds like our office. We had cubicles before but they decided to switch to open offices as a cost cutting measure. There's constantly some kind of sickness going around because no one does the elbow sneeze (assuming they cover their face at all). Also none of the zoomers ever shut up, so you just have to deal with their endless conversations about vidya. I eventually just stopped coming to the office altogether and started doing my shit at home every day, but people are starting to notice so I think the honeymoon period I was having is one bullshit complaint to my manager away from being over.

If the place would reimburse me for them then sure, but I'd still have to deal with getting a new strain of ebola every week

I found an abandoned bathroom in the most secluded part of my works building. It's fully deck out and noone knows about it. The perfect jerk and shit station.