Guys if I miss work today, I'll be fired. Ended, no questions. I've had too many sick days.
If I go to work today however, I will in fact shit my pants uncontrollably multiple times. This is thanks to an intestinal disease named colitis, which occasionally flares like this for a few days/months at a time.
What the fuck am i supposed to do in this situation? I'm in the UK so there are no benefits/welfare for intestinal disability, i literally have to keep this job or i'll die.
Other urls found in this thread:
crohnsandcolitis.org.uk
citizensadvice.org.uk
mirror.co.uk
independent.co.uk
clinicaltrials.gov
gov.uk
medicalnewstoday.com
ncbi.nlm.nih.gov
twitter.com
Adult diapers?
You go to work. If not you’ll really be shitting yourself.
i mean yeah if i also have access to multiple clean sets of clothes and full showering facilities to use at will...
that's not one of the features yet sported on my particular business estate. and there's this fucking retarded key system thing by which you literally have to ask the receptionist for the key every time you want a piss/shit.
so seriously what the fuck do i do? i mean i'm sincerely just doomed, aren't i? this is my fucking life ffs
No shame in using a buttplug. They were invented as a medical device for this very reason.
when you get time off, walk calmly to the bathroom and unplug it
I don't see the problem user, really.
Go and shit on the boss' desk.
What kind of job do you have
do an enema before hand, eat a lot of rice, dont drink water, and use a buttplug. easy peasy. Sasha Grey should be a good example
I feel for you user you really should be able to go on the sick for that. Anyway my advice is try and get it for somthing else, go to the doctors say you are hearing voices ring the police say your hearing voices and feeling threatened, you will get sick leave for that and free drugs
This user gets it. Using a buttplug isn’t gay if you need to hold your shit in. Would rather have that up my ass than to be shitting all over the place.
>that's not one of the features yet sported on my particular business estate. and there's this fucking retarded key system thing by which you literally have to ask the receptionist for the key every time you want a piss/shit.
>Can I go to the toilet?
>I don't know, can you?
>...may I go the toilet, sir?
>Optional
get a buttplug that lightly vibrates for personal enjoyment and comfort
Yeah but then it’s on his record that he’s a looney tune. Would probably rather shit myself than have records showing that I’m crazy. Buttplug it up OP, seriously.
Oi m8, you got a loicense to use the bog?!
i sit at a desk, but it doesn't really matter does it? name a single job in which it would be acceptable for me to just be randomly and spontaneously shitting myself, multiple times throughout the day.
it feels precisely like this. waiting for some decrepit, infuriating cunt to fumble around for the fucking key, while i desperately clench and pray so hard my eyes water.
>I feel for you user you really should be able to go on the sick for that.
yes, i sincerely fucking think so too. apparently in the uk, it's not considered sufficient that you're deemed unfit for work.
welp, 7.33, that's it, i've gtg... i have to decide this right this instant, right now i have to make this decision.
i'm at least going to get in the car. i'll see if i can at least get there without covering myself in shit. then in the car park i'll consider whether i'm going to actually take that walk inside or not.
here goes.
Get a buttplug at a local sex shop user, all bs aside. I’m rooting for ya
good luck there buddy, go take a shit when you get there, and do it preemptively every hour.
you can do it
Eat some charcoal or get prescribed some opiates.
Just had surgery and am on endo's and couldn't shit for days.
Go to work, shit pants, get sent home. How hard is this to figure out. I have shat myself at work, it’s no biggie man. They will at least know you are actually sick
Immodium Plus you wont shit for 4 days
Move to India, they love pooping at work
they consider it deodorant, the fresher the shit smell, the higher the shitter level. Only the elite in India shit every hour
Go to work, shit yourself, if they fire you for that, go to a tribunal and win bigly
You wear a fucking diaper and bring a fuckload of baby wipes
Holy fuck thank god I live in Finland. Allthough if you have too many sick days here you will be asked to explain your absences, though if you are on trial they can just fire you.
You have a limited amount of sick days? Wtf?
The absolute state of wagies
go shit every hour... if they fire you for it, contest the firing. show them a doctors note. they will at least give you a severance check and then fire you
this
Stop eating, retard. You can't shit if you don't eat.
In the USA you'd request intermittent FMLA leave and get a doctor to sign off on the paper work.
You couldn't miss unlimited time but you get so many weeks you can miss for medical issues.
I can't believe that the UK doesn't have done analog.
Talk to a doctor or a labor lawyer and ask if there's some kind of leave you can get.
*Meant to write "some analog"
Your condition is based entirely on your fucking diet you turd teir shit for brains.
Stop eating mcdicks and microwave dinner and you won't be shitting your ass uncontrollably for days.
Jesus fuck how stupid can you fucking be.
Post a picture of your fridge and freezer.
take something with saccharomyces boulardii
are you retarded?
I had smoother bowel movements when my diet was bad. Now I eat a lot of salads and veggies which leave me farting and loose stools all over the place
Then eat shitty food if it makes your poops more comfortable dingus. No you social retard.
If you need to eat shitty food so your dumps are hard, then eat shitty foods.
If you have to eat healthy for solid
Poopies then do that you god damn mongoloid.
>duuuurrrr my pewps are all liquid and I can't hold in my shits, guess I'll just keep eating the exact same thing cause I'm a dumb fuck.
Go on an all meat diet
Vegetables are a meme
You're fucked either way because eventually it'll come again with the same dilemma
Why the fuck are you not getting treatment for this? My fiance has it too and she's been taking humira for over 9 years. It's an inconvenience, sure, but it beats living a painful existence shitting your pants.
Do fucking research and stay away from foods that cause inflammation. Why do I feel like you're one of those people with a medical condition that prefer to cry about it and play the victim instead of doing something about it?
I'm not OP
also who are you quoting
Has your fiance ever shat on you during sex. I must know for research
>name a single job in which it would be acceptable for me to just be randomly and spontaneously shitting myself, multiple times throughout the day
being an Indian
have you ever penetrated her during uncontrollable poop?
I unironically have a brapp and scat fetish so it works 100%. I've purposely given her rimjobs while she felt like she had to shit and held her back from shitting herself with my tongue.
Keep trying anons and maybe one day you too will find your perfect match for your degeneracy.
>I've purposely given her rimjobs while she felt like she had to shit and held her back from shitting herself with my tongue
That's unironically the lewdest thing I've ever read. I really hope this isn't a LARP and that I can get a gf that matches my fetishes too one day
Not a LARP, and it's not like it was easy to get to this point. She was my gf first, then we slowly opened up to lewder and lewder stuff as time went by. The only people that get bored in relationships are boring themselves. Something gets boring? Fuck it, suggest trying that other fetish you've always thought about in the back of your mind.
GL user it really is as amazing as it sounds when you finally get to scratch that itch you've only been able to fantasize about your whole life.
go to work and sit in the toilet all day.
Shit yourself infront of the boss as much as you can, loudly too so that he gets the message and is forced to send you home due to the sheer smell.
>2019
>not wearing man diapers yet
Can't you just tell your boss how it is? That if you have to be in work you will shit yourself multiple times a day and ruin the productivity of everyone else?
I dont know how shit works in the UK, but here in the land of burgers and freedom if you had a disease/disorder you would go to the doctor. You get diagnosed with said illness and then present evidence of the diagnosis to your employer. You explain that this happens occasionally and you will be taking FMLA(family medical leave act) when you are unable to make it into work. You literally cannot be fired for taking FMLA, it is against the law, and you are guaranteed something like 6 weeks FMLA each year. Feels good to be free.
Lol might as well go the extra mile.
try the carnivore diet meme for a month and thank me later
>I'm in the UK so there are no benefits/welfare for intestinal disability, i literally have to keep this job or i'll die.
that is 100% untrue crohnsandcolitis.org.uk
i've been using the specific carbohydrate diet for literally decades. i have not once eaten any form of fast/junk food since before Jow Forums even existed and i don't even own a microwave.
>that is 100% untrue
No i've been denied for PIP, because while i shit myself, i do not also simultaneously piss myself, and even if i did, i don't need someone to clean up after me. You need those issues specifically to get the 8 points you need to qualify for PIP. See for yourself...
citizensadvice.org.uk
See point 5. You need 8 points to qualify. I got ZERO at my tribunal, because i cope without help.
Here's a case of a woman who shits and pisses herself because she got raped or, something like that. She had a lifetime benefits award under labour, but with the benefits reforms, was recently told that pissing and shitting herself constantly while having flashbacks, does not make her an unsuitable candidate for the workplace under tory policies, and she had her benefits stopped.
mirror.co.uk
It's like the scene in the movie 'requiem for a dream'; in the prison cell wherein the warden shines a light in inmates' eyes, asks "can you hear me? can you hear me?" then signs 'fit for work'.
Until the Tory government I had disability benefits. I am one of thousands upon thousands of ill, poor people who they're killing off. Tories have killed 140,000 poor and disabled people so far. Predicted to be 200,000 by the end of next year. If I lose my job I'll become one of them.
incidentally it's now 17.21, i'm now home, i am 100% void of shit, am celebrating with a joint, and waiting to do it all again tomorrow.
That image brings me no end of pain
oui c'est bon
>try the carnivore diet meme for a month
diet is the only damn thing which works long term, i've known that for the 18 years i've had this disease. even peterson's beef only diet isn't as effective as gaps.me
think about what you're asking me to do. to go in to work, to stand in front of all of my colleagues, and to empty my anus in front of them. to spray a hot, fiery mixture of stinking blood and liquishit openly and unmistakably in front of everyone, then shrug it off and go on living in this world. that kind of embarrassment razes entire empires to the ground. it cannot happen once ever, end of.
>carnivore diet
>Do fucking research and stay away from foods that cause inflammation.
>all meat diet
>eat shitty food
>diet was bad.
>Your condition is based entirely on your fucking diet
interesting to see that so many people are suddenly aware of this. i've known this for 18 long fucking years, and it's only in the last maybe 2 or 3 years that a single gastroenterologist will actually listen when i tell him for the 100th time that the 'specific carbohydrate diet' works, it gets rid of all symptoms almost all of the time. it has worked for like a hundred years ffs. i've had doctors and nutritionists tell me it has no effect whatsoever, even when i'm telling them to their faces that i have years of personal experience to the contrary.
finally after so many patients telling so many doctors so many times, it's at long last actually being investigated. i've known for decades that it's the only damn thing which works, and as of next year when this clinical trial finishes, everyone will know...
clinicaltrials.gov
Welll what do we have here... link FUD but atleast creative!
lol, cuck harder wage slave, you deserve this
is that....normal pooing...mark?
Well then smarty pants, obviously the fucking diet doesn't work for you turd brains.
Non meme answer - just go and sit on the toilet at work all day. Show your face but make it blatant you’re not gonna be much use. I have colitis as well, shit sucks I feel you bro
see: >it gets rid of all symptoms almost all of the time.
>almost
yeah it's a true fucking curse. i mean there is absolutely no way to make it ok that you just shat yourself in the workplace, it just isn't. i truly thought today was the day, but the anal gods smiled mercifully upon my asshole, so i live to shit myself another day.
hope you give the aforementioned diet a try too btw. it helps even when every medication has stopped working.
Here's what you do, you go to work, you shit yourself, you tell your boss you can't stop shitting yourself because of a disease and then you get sent home without being fired.
>you go to work, you shit yourself
yeah these are the steps i'm struggling with. think about what you're saying. no human has ever endured this level of humiliation and lived.
you might not be able to get PIP, but you said it flares up for a few days at a time - can you not get a sick line from your doctor when that happens and just take >1 full week off when you need to? gov.uk
also - is your line manager/immediate boss or whatever aware of your condition? I mean it might not be something you're all that comfortable with disclosing, but if you don't feel you can talk to your manager about your condition (and/or your company doesn't have any kind of company sick pay included in your employment) then desu you probably are better off looking for work elsewhere more accommodating to your condition anyway. Might be tricky depending on where you are, what your job is etc. but certainly somewhere with a company sick pay scheme would be a good idea.
Only speaking from personal experience but my previous line manager (we've got a new one in recently but she seems alright too) was always very sympathetic whenever I've had even a day or two off, since she has some kind of chronic back pain she's had surgery for that's caused her to miss a few months of work over the last 2 years.
If not your manager then an HR department maybe, but I would definitely think about speaking to your boss first if you haven't already - if they're understanding then great, they might try to explore any options that might suit you (work from home, some sort of flexible hours etc.), if they're not then again, you're probably better off working somewhere else anyway.
>no human has ever endured this level of humiliation and lived.
Worse things have happened, trust me.
>you said it flares up for a few days at a time
>for a few days/months at a time.
it only happens every few years, but it seems it's that time again, and the diarrhoea fairy has been keeping me up literally shitting so much blood that i feel feint, since 1.30am. It began randomly subsiding at about an hour before i was due to arrive, absolute sheer luck. I won't be that lucky again tomorrow or the next day, this flare-up is literally tens of thousands of tiny ulcers lining the entirety of my large intestine, so i'm fairly certain that soon i'll be on the streets. nothing will protect me against needing endless months off sick, when i feel like a single day would be enough for them to sack me.
please do remember to all give generously when passing the dude in the gutter shitting himself and crying.
literally nothing worse has ever happened in all of history.
You ever try peppermint capsules? Works for me when I get functional abdominal pain.
>celebrating with a joint
Consider suicide.
shoo, seething simpleton. i don't know what your problem is and i don't care, but even if i wasn't just using recreationally, it's probably helping my situation generally.
medicalnewstoday.com
Smoking actually helps with UC.
yeah it does. and not just weed. tobacco too. i've smoked 15 a day for 18 years for my health, not even fucking kidding. if i stop smoking i end up in hospital every single time.
ncbi.nlm.nih.gov
Did you atop smoking for awhile then?
i've stopped maybe 10 times, but every time i go to a gp to explain how bad things have become, they tell me to go to hospital. not like, go home and we'll send you a letter, but go to hospital immediately, we'll get the ambulance. i have to smoke. the link i posted above says "there is overwhelming epidemiological evidence that smoking protects against ulcerative colitis," and what's worse, this guy...
>get prescribed some opiates.
is right too. it's not just cigarettes and weed. opiates do work extremely well, and i've used everything from nicotine to heroin to help stop this fucking disease. smoking smack stops it in its fucking tracks, like within an hour i'm utterly symptom free, but i can't smoke heroin before work every fucking day, even if it is literally still more fucking professional than actually shitting yourself at work.
Holy shit man, had to quit smoking because of severe asthma attacks. How is your diet?
This is so unbelievably fucked
I have UC as well but it's mild. I go on corticosteroids for a week and it is gone for a few years.
>smoking makes me shit
>smoking makes OP not shit
life is a rich tapestry
This. Go to work and just take a dump every thirty minutes. It's the alpha thing to do
Go to work if they fire you or treat you like shit because of your condition take em to court, you are untouchable figuratively and literally. Enjoy shitting yourself and no one can do a thing about it. they may even send you home early.
Jezzed it
If you're this pathetic into your adulthood maybe you should die idk
I almost got fired once for the same thing. I missed 2 weeks straight because I was constantly pissing outta my ass. So you either go to work and get in trouble because of your 10 bathroom breaks in 5 hours or miss and get in trouble.
That's how they get you, user. It's a bluff, it's a shit test, you gotta prove that you're going to do whatever it takes. They will fire you and they will have to give you lots of money. Or you can stay home and get fired for free. You shitting yourself is the price for severance.
You kidding dude? People shit themselves all the time! Do it faggot
>it feels precisely like this. waiting for some decrepit, infuriating cunt to fumble around for the fucking key, while i desperately clench and pray so hard my eyes water.
Explain the cunt your medical condition beforehand so that you can have the card ready when you need it.
if you have to smoke nicotine at least vape so you wont have all the nasty shit in cigarettes
Also be sure to update thread or create new one tomorrow to let us know what happened
do NOT do this. Buttplugs DO NOT keep shit in. It will leak/spray out around the buttplug, and possibly eject the buttplug.
What is loperamide
Is working from home not an option?
Just consider that there are millions of people in the UK living lives of absolute LUXURY based on the system that does this to OP.
Uprising when?