About a year ago moved to some godforsaken shithole town in the far, far north. It was for a program where I’d be teaching. For someone like me who majored in philosophy, it was a stepping stone to a real job. I’d pay my dues, spend two years up here building a resume, and move back south where I could teach at a high school.
Not the most glamorous job but it sure beats taking orders at starbucks.
When I first arrived, I could not have been happier. For the first time in my life I had a place of my own. Even if it was a flimsy trailer on the outskirts of town, it was still mine. All I had was a suitcase, a small bust of Socrates, and my faithful pet dog Bandit.
But as you can imagine, there isn’t much of a social life out here. Especially as the days grow shorter and the night grows longer and longer until the sun disappears entirely for weeks. So I’d enjoy the luxury of an internet connection, and spend my spare time shitposting on /his/ and /lit/.
The program paid for my rent, so I suddenly found myself with some cash. And with nothing to really do, I decided to do the responsible thing and invest. I’ve never been good with money, so I figured I’d trust the experts.
That was when I first found Jow Forums: my own personal pandora’s box.
Now when I say this town is out there… I mean it’s out there. The end of the earth. It’s barely accessible half the year.
The ground is permafrost so we can’t put pipes in – everyone here has to shit in a special bucket which is collected several times a week. The food is atrocious – and it’s even worse coming out the other end.
I first bought into crypto in January. I’d read about coins on Jow Forums, and I could have sworn I was some kind of King Midas. Every coin I selected would shoot up. My wealth doubled, the tripled, and by spring I had lost track.
I convinced myself that I really was living in the best of all possible worlds – there was no other explanation. It was like magic. I hitched a ride south one weekend and went on a shopping spree, buying up all the expensive wines I had lusted after back in university.
I called up my only living relative, my hag of a grandmother, to gloat about my success. I rubbed it in her face. Said I was the happiest man on the goddam planet. She disagreed:
“I doubt that. There’s a mongoloid down the hall from me who is the happiest man in the world. You should see his stupid face. Though I’m not supposed to say that nowadays, right?” I could hear her laughing to herself. She continued: “Life isn’t all about money. That kind of happiness is fleeting. Take it from an old broke bitch like me – without you here, I’ve never been happier!”
“Fuck you, you dumb cunt. I hope you rot in that cancer ward.” I said, and hung up. We never spoke again.
The school year ended, and I had to find something to do for the summer. I had mentioned my investing success to a colleague, who recommended me to his friend. We’ll call that friend Joe.
Joe was a real salt of the earth guy. Huge. Smelled like shit. But not for lack of hygiene, it was a part of his job. He went around picking up everyone’s shit buckets. He needed help getting the company’s finances in order.
Of course I volunteered.
The work was… unexpected. As it turns out, Joe wanted me to do some money laundering. He and his buddies didn’t just take out the shit buckets, they also ran a smuggling ring. Some of them would poach protected animals. Others would sell opiates around town (what else are people going to do in this wasteland?). They heard about my knowledge of crypto and treated me like some kind of wizard.
During June, everything was great. But then July hit. My portfolio was in the red. I tried to trade again but the magic was gone. I had read the white paper on Golem and had considerable assets in that coin that just melted away. I was also late on the ETH train and bought in at the top. But I refused to sell, as I didn’t want to succumb the “buy high sell low” Jow Forums meme.
I even consulted a local native shaman. I asked her for trading advice. She took some coins out of my pocket and told me that if I challenged them, they would lose all value. Real mystical mumbo jumbo. But I thought – she must be referring to fiat money. The dollar will fall, but only if I challenge it.
I thought to myself: fate rewards the daring. Crypto would always beat Fiat in the end. Those bold enough to see that would win big. I started chain smoking and taking caffeine pills, staying up all night trading. There was a period at the beginning of August where I didn’t sleep for a week straight.
But I fucked up Jow Forums. Like Icarus I flew too close to the sun.
One day, at work, I fell asleep at my desk. My dog Bandit must have wandered off, because when I awoke, he was dead. One of the guys had accidentally ran him over. I was devastated.
I started to drink like I’d never drank before. I’d go through the thousands of dollars of expensive wines, binge drinking and trading and browsing Jow Forums. In mid-August I had an idea: I would invest my company’s money. They had a lot of money. More than I could make in my lifetime if I kept teaching. NEO had been hitting new highs, and I thought it was a safe investment. I went all in.
Around that time I passed out at work after a particularly bad bender. I was also bleeding out my nose after snorting too many caffeine pills. I woke up in a hospital in a city far to the south. I was fine, but I’d been out for a few days. By the time my hospital stay was over, and I made it back north, it had been just shy of a week.
When I got back and checked my crypto portfolio, I vomited. It has plummeted. I came to my senses and convinced myself it was a temporary fluctuation. I spent my time resting and letting the market sort itself out – time in the market was better than timing the market, I told myself.
Another week or two passed and I just couldn’t take it. The siren song of crypto was calling. By September, I panic sold all of the NEO. I had lost an unimaginable amount of money.
I put it all into Bitcoin. But I had not hit rock bottom yet.
A week ago, Joe demanded to see the finances. I didn’t see any other option – the guy is much stronger than me – so I showed him.
He and his buddies proceeded to tie me to a chair and beat the shit out of me. I lost several teeth, and broke my nose in a way where it will always be crooked. I don’t have insurance to fix either of these deformities. They also dumped several of the shit buckets on me, and held my head in a trough of sewage until I’d almost drowned.
Joe made me give up my teaching job and start working full time. He doesn’t trust me with the finances, so I have to drive around the truck and empty the shit buckets. I asked him how long it would take for me to pay off my debt.
His answer: forever.
So here I am, stuck in this freezing hell, forever. I can’t get the smell of shit off me. And this isn't nice grassy cow shit, this is the product of a diet of beef jerky, canned seafood, and booze. It’s in my hair, under my fingernails. I scrub and I scrub but it just won’t come off.
After leaving the teaching program I lost my trailer so I now sleep at work. I have a mattress I put out on the office floor at night, where I drink bottom shelf vodka and browse Jow Forums.
But I still have one ace up my sleeve. There’s one wallet they didn’t get to. It’s this really exciting coin that has flown under most people’s radar. I’ve read the white paper and everything. It’s called Digibyte (DGB), and it could just be my ticket out of here.
