Why do I struggle so much with knowing myself

It's technically a new age book, but I feel like it's a bit unfair to lump it in with those books because typically calling something a "new age book" has connotations of some soccer mom telling you to be yourself and wear crystals, whereas this book is actually legit. The first chapter/intro is a bit cheesy but it's a pretty life changing book.

this
listening to it every day. only thing thats keeping me alive.

Youtube search Eckhart Tolle, Abraham Hicks, Tony Robbins, and Margaret Paul

your welcome

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I actually read that about a year ago and it really helped me become more socially skilled. I'm working through A New Earth right now. It's really nice

Just started reading up on this user and this might be it. I took a personality disorder test also and schizotypal was the only one on my ratings with a score of Very High. Pretty unfortunate but at least I'm aware and can work around it now.

A New Earth is a bit more "out there" whereas Power of Now could help even a skeptical person, IMO, but I enjoyed both books and they got me into esoteric buddhism, hermeticism, occultism, etc. which is way more "out there" than anything by Tolle anyways.

Buy a dab pen and enjoy the existential crisis that is the human condition

Eckhart Tolle is good but he's such a betamax. Balance it out with some high-energy self-help motivational speakers too. Tolle unintentionally encourages people into this mindset of "be boring, don't have an identity, dissociate from your emotions, don't have desires" mindset.

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I understand where you're coming from, and it's not wrong, but IMO he's ultimately right about the things he teaches. The problem is that the way you need to be to achieve spiritual success is in conflict with the way you need to be/act to achieve material success. But his books are about the spiritual mindset, not how to be financially/materially successful.

To achieve material success you need to have at least some desire/attachment to the things in this clown world, but having those desires/attachments is a hindrance to the more "spiritual" goals in life. So if someone is purely focuses on the spiritual aspects, they could in indeed come off as "beta".

#1 Your experiences are not metaphors.
They are expressions of your situational behaviors (as driven by your thoughts and emotions).
You can gain insight into yourself by looking at your experiences, yes. But not by hyper analyzing the end result without also analyzing the reasons things played out like that. And also NOT by struggling, getting down, hating yourself, etc about it. Even the best system will not work if you are self-negative while using it.
I highly recommend learning REBT as based in A Guide to Rational Living by Albert Ellis.
#2 Bettering yourself starts with accepting yourself as faggy as you are. You have a wide capacity for change and redoing parts of your personality.
Schizotypal can explain your current behaviors. My beef with personality disorders is modern medicine says they are hardcoded and inflexible. Many people get stuck in the mindset of "oh I am X" therefore i don't need to do something. If I have a missing leg of course I am not going to set olympic running records. But that does not mean I can not walk, compete, and have a fulfilling life. If your behavior is expressing as schizotyal due to current wiring or years of trauma as a child, right now you are not going to be a ENSP Chad high roller. But you can continue to grow.

I've never examined my memories like that but it's definitely an improvement over the way I do things now. I'll check that book out.

Second half, I totally agree with you man. I've been changing myself over the past year to the extent that people who I haven't seen in a while are shocked by what I'm like now (in a good way). Had I learned about this before I probably would have hated myself but it's really a blessing in that I can now be cognizant of these thoughts and move past them.

The whole financial success vs. spiritual success thing is a false dichotomy. Just look at how financially successful Tolle himself is. And desire isn't as simple as on/off. It's good to have desires, the problem comes in when people are overly attached to the outcome and have unrealistic expectations.

Ideally one should cultivate desire, and have fun with it, use it as a tool for spiritual growth. See: The Kabbalah. tl;dr, it teaches that the essence of man is the Will to Receive, and that the key to spiritual ascension and infinite joy is to live for altruistic desires instead of selfish desires. If you spend your life just amassing money and snorting cocaine, you crash and burn and your pleasures run out quickly. But if you get your "high" from helping others, giving to others, being loving and compassionate and taking joy in other people's joy, then the pleasure can go on forever.

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In a practical sense I agree, I was just being a bit hyperbolic with the dichotomy to play devils advocate for Tolle coming off as "beta".

IMO the ultimate end goal of the "spiritual path" does require leaving behind all attachments and aversions, but very few people in all of human history have even reached that point, and in the mean time desires can be very practical and beneficial especially if understood and used with conscious purpose.