I am capitulating and need help

You need help for your addivtions, like the other user said your brain is depleted of serotonin after you are on substances and after a while it's like squeezing blood out of a turnip, get clean and stop being a pussy ass bitch doing cocaine like you're Rick James

i been suffering from impulsive destructive behaviour all my life. the cocaine and alcohol is not the source but the latest result of this journey. i can go on weeks without it just to relapse in an impulsive move where i basically lose complete control of who.

the ocd is what caused all of this. even with 5 years old i was in permanent pain and have not lived a single day in the present so far.

my whole head is either thinking about the past or the future and i cant seem to change that.

Then your realize all those bigs achievements you have made in life are meaningless if you you can't share them with peoples that care about you.

Substitute your drugs for exercise. Exercise is literally the best and most natural cure for depression.

Get married

no because until literallly today i didnt want to give up and capitulate which my brain equals to getting therapy. i tried and tried and tried and tried but i cant seem to win over my mind.

i thought i cant admit it to my parents. i didnt want them to suffer because of me. they did everything for me and me basically saying i live in hell would break their heart but i cant seem to find a way past it now.

how can i love somebody if i dont even love myself

i have tried but im too weak to even brush my teeth lately

you're going to probably end up in the hospital at some point where you'll get medical treatment that hopefully helps you. why not see a doctor now and avoid the involuntary hospital stay?

you can't talk yourself out of your obvious clinical depression any more than you can talk yourself out of high blood pressure or a heart attack.

>i can go on weeks without it just to relapse in an impulsive move where i basically lose complete control

binges are a characteristic and defining factor of coke addiction. Its not necessarily a daily use problem, as in with heroin or crack. Nevertheless thats the problem right now.

I'm not dismissing your other issues, but neither do I really want to further pathologise them.

> even with 5 years old i was in permanent pain and have not lived a single day in the present so far.

>my whole head is either thinking about the past or the future and i cant seem to change that.

Everybody thinks like this to a greater or lesser degree- hence the NPC meme, about those who don't have this inner monologue.

however your perspective on things is fucked. you probbly do need a therapist or councilor to talk to, and you definitely need to quit cocaine for at least a year before you eve know what your natural brain-state hormonal balance is like when you're not inflicting dopamine surges followed by crashes on your brain. It takes months after you quit for neural equilibrium to re-establish itself. I'd bet that would probably be enough. You'lll still have problems, but your perspective on your problems wont be as bad.

i fell for the "therapy and medication" is a jewish scheme meme thanks to browsing this website. i didnt want to admit to being weak to myself and family but i have no choice now.

i will call a doctor. i having nothing to lose anymore.

>am addicted to alcohol and cocaine
found your problem
don't get me wrong, I liked to ski the slopes as well but the feelings it gave my heart and the corrosive nature of cocaine on your nostrils is a terrible thing and I only used it a couple times in my life on special occasions
you can't continue to use it
you need to ask family or friends for help, you're at a place where you are unable to do it by yourself
you will need to be forced to go clean before you can get over your other problems
cheers friend, I am rooting for you

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Get into a fistfight. Being beat within a inch of your life would offer some much needed perspective.

>i have tried to talk to him but he doesnt say a word back
he's talking to you, you need to find the ears to listen
your mind is in a frenzied state with your drug and alcohol use (stimulants are not good for extended periods of time)
you gut feeling tells you it's wrong, and yet you don't listen to your gut (and then say Jesus isn't talking to you)
there is a reason you feel bad about all of this, you're not (((listening))) to your state of mind when it's screaming at you that this is wrong

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money will only make your situation worse by the way
keep your life simple
remove things from your life
cut off the dead weight and let go of the stones
ask for help, you need it, you need people in your life to help you, people that you trust to have your best interests in mind

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You can't decide your own value. You see, self-esteem is much like any product in the market: demand defines how much you're worth.
If you're the kind of person that no one cares if you're around or not, then you're obviously not worth shit and you'll feel that you're not worth shit yourself
So be useful to others and you'll find purpose and value in your life

>you need to ask family or friends for help
all my friends are junkies like me who dont give a shit about me, only my family would literally die for me and love me more than their life.

i keep telling myself what luck i have to have such loving parents and its the only thing which gives me hope. i need to talk to them about this but it would break their heart and im afraid of dealikg with it.

they wouldnt feel anger or shame about me. they would simply be in pain knowing i am in pain.

Get some sunshine. Vitamin D seriously helps with mental issues.

>all my friends are junkies like me
now you know what to do, don't you...get away from them ASAP
>i need to talk to them about this
yes you do, it's okay don't feel bad, you parents would want you to come to them for help if you needed it
and you need it, you've admitted as such
good luck
spending time with your parents that love you is the best medicine you could ever get, most people don't have that same luxury that you do to have such loving parents

>Get some sunshine
also this, and swimming in salt water coasts is healing and therapeutic
listen to some good calming, soothing, and classical music too, it does wonders for your state of mind

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Probably for the best. Depending on whether you feel like you need to talk to someone or be recommended medication, could start with a therapist or psychiatrist respectively. Some of either can do both (good for talking and able to prescribe medication).

also I like Robert Anton, something about him is soothing when he talks and he has some very interesting ideas
you might enjoy this video OP:
youtu.be/caT0lSxYnFU

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thanks user. god bless.

thank you, good luck user
we're going to make it, just keep yourself principled to see this through
time is working for us my friend
grab some chainlink, some btc, some eth and forget about it
get yourself good with you and God in the meantime

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To be fulfilled you have to be helpful in some positive sense to others, whether human, plant or animal, to generate instead of degrade, unless you are sociopath which you are not. It's called mission in life, which psychiatrists would tell you is essentially the only thing that reverses the state your in. The good news is that it really doesn't matter what it is, as long as you throw yourself into it. Volunteering is common. Just do it, say yes to everything, and you'll make connections and relationships. Just be prepared to have a thick skin, low expectations and offer yourself up unconditionally

>am addicted to alcohol and cocaine.
Maybe you should start with that.
I noticed fucked up people can get through life if they are clean. If they take hard drugs, it is often quickly over.

Do an Ayahuasca retreat.

Move!

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Maybe it's time for rehab. This doesn't mean you are a loser and your life is over.

holidays? new country? everywhere i go my mind will follow me user. i cant run from myself.

Ayahuasca retreat. Again.

exactly, make it first step
then get all ducks in a row

try some guru vids, idk
youtube.com/watch?v=GK7L8z1ihBo

can i do this in holland aswell or does it have to be amazonas

I have Pure O OCD, it has been a nightmare in the past. Just have to not try and stop the thoughts, just let them come and go, fuck em, your thoughts are not you. Try to give less of a shit bro, life is too short.

Delete your coke dealers number from your phone and start reading Seneca/Epictetus/Aurelius.

mate i wish it was this easy. it literally started with fucking 4 years old where i threw my gameboy away because it had a slight scratch and wasnt "perfect" anymore.

im literally insane and im ashamed to tell anyone.

honest answer:
It sounds like you have childhood trauma's which have made you learn to ignore and avoid your emotions which you now do by sleeping/cocaine/booze/self-criticism. Maybe critical or emotionally neglecting parents? More serious abuse in the family?

This is a very simple test: Go back in memory and list any memory older than 1.5 years old that gives you negative emotions when remembering them in the present. If you have any that is a sign they are unconsciously influencing your behavior in the present.

My advice: Save up the cocaine money and get therapy. EMDR might be a good start. Care for yourself user, you deserve it.

>aurelius
basically research stoicism?

google "magic mushrooms and depression"

every negative memory is related to my ocd. i cant live in the present because im not perfect. i have enough money to afforf any therapy but my ocd in itself doesnt allow me to accept the fact im weak. until now.

its torture and i have to do something before i kms.

Do you want a boyfriend?

no because im not gay.

More than just research. I’d say most applicable to your situation is Epictetus. Don’t have much time to explain but you have the strength within to overcome your strife. Take care.

I think you can do it in holland, but since you are fucked up, going in the jungle for 3-4 months won't hurt you.
By the way, i knew people who killed themselves, and i estimate there's a 30% chance you are going to kill yourself in the years to come.
Might as well try real remedies and not half measures.
Also, you can do a 40 days fast (water only). This you can do in many fasting clinics in europe.

I used to be the same. I stripped all of the dashboard out of a nice BMW once because I dropped a tiny little screw behind. For me a combination of healthy eating, a bit of exercise, acknowledge that I have OCD and am not mental and just caring less has helped. Have you tried CBT or exposure therapy?

That's good also.

thank you user, will look into it.

>cbt, therapy
not yet. my ocd in itself didnt allow me to admit im not perfect and need therapy. its just retarded. i will do something. i have to.

Unironically this

thanks user, will look into it.

I don't know you but my guess is that your OCD is in fact partially caused by other stuff in your past that precedes it. Really look closely to how you felt as a small child, what can you remember, how does it make you feel?

OCD is generally an attempt to get emotional control because your inner life you feel unsafe. But that feeling of prevalent lack of safety comes from having learned that life is unsafe in early childhood.

So again, go back in you memory.
3 years old
4 years old
5 years old

What can you remember? Any stuff that brings up emotions? (Probably. Even if they are memories related to your OCD).

Everything that still creates emotions in the present is literaly groups of neurons in the limbic system that are stuck in a loop firing because they haven't been able to correctly integrate with other parts of your brain.

So you have to go back in those memories, feel them (which is not fun but necessary) so that they become integrated with your prefrontal cortex among other things.

Take it seriously man. It's not your fault that your life is crap, you didn't chose to have the memories and childhood that you had.

it started with 4 years old. i looked at my pokemon cards, my gameboy, my digimon action figures and the moment i saw a scratch or slight imperfection i wanted to throw them all away and buy new ones.

at 7 years old i threw my yugioh cards away who had slight scratches

at 8 years old i started cleaning my room into imperfection and in school i either did everything to perfection or the second i fucked up i didnt even bother anymore.

it was always 100% or 0%. everything is black and white.

at 10 i remember buying a 120$ football soccer shirt and when i saw a patch VERY SLIGHTLY tear away i immidietly wanted a new one.

at 13 i started lifting and the second i got a stretch mark on my pecs i literally started crying because my "perfect vision of my body" got destroyed.

i can name you 10000000 more examples of this insane retardation which makes my life torture.

either i drink 30 gin tonics or i dont bother drinking at all. either 3 grams of coke or none.

either i order 300$ sushi or none at all

either i drive sls amg or take the bus

50k$ audemars on my wrist or no watch at all

either you are my die hard friend or i dont want you as a friend

11/10 gf or fuck off

now tell me im not insane?

>started cleaning my room into perfection*

It's OCD, lots of people have it.

i think there must be different levels though and i read only 2% have it.

the problem is this ocd lead to destructive impulsive behaviour, drug abuse and deep depression user.

>He wants an ongoing relationship with you
This user
He wants more than just prayers. He wants to put his dick in you. You have to accept him, his full girth and length, your cheecks held high and spread for him.
Jesus loves you OP.

You're not fucking insane. Your brain has been trying to cope with feelings of unsafety and/or loneliness (which causes perfection so that hopefully if you are perfect enough people will give you the attention you so desperately crave) from a very young age apparently. So I am guessing your close family upbringing hasn't been adequate for you. OCD and everything you describe is simply trying to fill a lack that you feel deep inside of you.
Again, start by taking an honest and hard look at your early childhood. Did you really get all the love and attention you needed? Where you shamed or made to feel guilty for showing emotions like anger or sadness? Where you scolded for behavior that any normal child exhibits? Again, check your self and your upbringing brutally honestly.

you'll probably find stuff from your mom or dad or siblings that they did to you or didn't do/give you but should have that still hurts today. And then you need to fix that shit.

i honestly have the best parents i could wish as i said previously in this thread and thats why this disease is so bizarre to me and i think im just born with it. i got all the love and attention. maybe too much of it?

i had this instrospective view of the world since kindergarden. i have such a good memory of my childhood in kindergarden. it was honestly the best time of my life.

when my parents had to move away to their country for work and i was ripped apart my kindergarden friends and country i was born in was very very traumatic for me but i had no grief because it was something it had to be done to live a better life.

if this is what kickstarted my ocd and ruined my life..that would be very sad.

>when my parents had to move away to their country for work and i was ripped apart my kindergarden friends and country i was born in was very very traumatic for me but i had no grief because it was something it had to be done to live a better life.

Mate it's really simple, like I explained before. Go back in your mind to those memories of moving, feel like a little child that is actually experiencing that again, does that bring up negative emotions? If so, there you go.

It would be very sad indeed but definitely not surprising. I've seen psychological problems like yours develop with less significant causes. Some people are genetically more resilient so this might have been too much of you. No matter. Find out what it is and fix it. Fixing it IS possible if you take action to find the cause, wallowing doesn't help you.

I'm a licenced psychologist by the way but that means nothing on here of course.

>does that bring up negative emotions?
yes it does. i was ripped apart the country i was born in. my friends i talked in my language. the child tv series i watched in said language. the particular food of my country.

i was ripped apart a developed western first world country and had to move to a 3rd world shithole my parents are from just because my dad found a very good paying job. we stayed 4 years there until i fucking had enough and simulated being ill just so we could move back where i was born and get "treatment" even though i just wanted back to my friends but the damage was done already and i never was truly happy again until now in my mid 20s.

how would i find a fix in knowing this was the potential cause? its making me more depressed and angry now thinking this could have been it.

If you need someone to talk to you can add me on discord, I might be of some help

CaptainTed#8378

>how would i find a fix in knowing this was the potential cause? its making me more depressed and angry now thinking this could have been it.

Good. That is exactly what you want. The fact that it brings up so many emotions so quickly and so strongly... man, no wonder you're drinking and using drugs and have OCD. Your brains desperately trying to suppress emotions that you were thought (directly or indirectly) to not feel. You haven't been able to fully expres these emotions in a healthy way to the people that mattered and be comforted and accepted and loved for it, as shown by the fact you had to lie about becoming ill instead of being able to honestly express your feelings and hurt to your parents. Your parents werent there for you and, no matter how hard, you would do good in re-evaluating how good your parents' upbringing actually was.
These emotions and hurt that you had to swallow and couldn't express are therefore not healthily integrated in your brain and they are wrecking havoc. it's like a vortex in your mind that can't stop because your brain has not had a change to release the energy. Emotion = e-motion = energy in motion.

How to fix it? Like I said, get trauma therapy like EMDR. Get a therapist with which you can explore in more depth that which you have started here todat with me, and then work through it by using for example EMDR or other trauma therapy.

thanks alot and god bless you user. should i talk with a therapist first before talking to my parents?

>thanks alot and god bless you user.

My pleasure fren :)

> Should i talk with a therapist first before talking to my parents?

Hell yes! I get that you might want to talk to/confront your parents but generally talking to caregivers about past hurt or neglect solves nothing and only piles up unnecesary emotions. What you need to focus on right now is get your head straight and your emotions and past straight. Usually by the time you've worked through all your past shit you'll have forgiven your parents (for being the fallible humans they are) and people will find the need to discuss stuff with their parents have disapeared along with their problems. Don't make your situation any more difficult than it has to be. Be kind to yourself.

user, our lifes are at dead ends too, don't worry, stay with us, we'll get out of this shit together

its not an itch to talk to them because of anger and confrontation but more because of possible explananation to them on why i have behaved in a certain way in my recent years and to take a piece of responsibility of failures away from me but in the same step also forgive.

this of course if my ocd really stems from this whole event but it seems very likely now that i have written it down.

Im on mobile. Honestly I don't know enough about the situation to know if talking about your parents beforehand is a good idea. Talking to a therapist first is never a bad idea. They are able to discuss in more depth what would be most beneficial to you. However you are always the final disicion maker of 6our own life.

thanks alot user. you helped me alot.

Pay it forward once you're happy. I was once in shoes similar to yours.

Have a good one.