Welcome to the Nightly News
Today's top story: Jow Forums janitor pees on his balls again, subsequently forgets the hotpockets in the microwave
And now we have breaking news....yes we are getting word of an imminent announcement, we go live to tuxedo pepe for details...
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thanks bill.
sources say the legendary "Satoshi Nakamoto" has finally returned under the name "asdvxgxasjab" and has re-built the Bitcoin protocol under the guise of something called Cruzbit.
it currently trades on one exchange, Q-Trade, where it was listed in less than 48 hours upon the first block being mined.
sources say biz will only begin buying once it's $5, and then post pink wojaks when it falls to $2, causing a panic sale, in which it will immediately moon to $20.
now here's jim for weather.
AND NOW FOR THE WEATHER
ITS REVERSE RAINING POPCORN!! AAAAAAAAA !! BSV TO THE M()()N
This is an okay thread
Now for our special segment on chainlink:
Today saw the 20th 700k dump by the chainlink team, when our correspondent questioned the team about the purpose of these dumps, this is what the CEO Sergey nazarov had to say;
>I don't know how I keep getting away with this, you'd think they would realize by the 3rd or 4th time but here we are at dump 20 with absolutely no reaction from link token holders. Sometimes I feel sorry for these people, it's like taking money from a disabled kid, but gotta put those burgers on the table somehow!
Absolutely dispicable! Now let's move on to the hot topic of the satanic pedophile ring in the government and elite business sector with jhon!
And we're back from our daily ~~CHAINLINK DUMP~~ segment, hope you, the viewers, enjoyed laughing at the delusional Stinky Linkies once again, I know I did haha. And before we continue I'd just like to apologise for the behaviour of my college Schizo Steve, he's the director's son and just has a tendency to go a bit crazy in volatile market conditions like we've been seeing the past three days.
Now onto the actual weather report. As you can clearly see in Cryptopia, all major assets have gone down significantly in the last couple of hours, and the forecast shows a high chance of red dildos, pink wojaks and smug bobos.
As for our friends across the pond in Boomerstock, the past couple of weeks have been filled with doubt and fear, and that has continued on for today too. Forecast indicates a high chance of an impending recession and the market crash that will ensue after, this will also bring about many pink wojaks, clownposters and a few concerned newfags.
For our final weather report we'll take a look at out friends down south in Neolithica. Due to downwards winds caused by the impending recession and the increasing fear and doubt up in Boomerstock, many Neolithicans have come out to be more vocal about the better and safer quality of life there, attempting to lure in some Cryptopians and Boomerstocktans to join them, whether this is out of pure kindness or just so they could later say "I told you," we won't know that till later.
Now onto our friend on the other side of the world Pajeet Ranjeesh for a report on the hottest shitcoin of the week, take it over Pajeer!
t..thank you sir!
Broadcasting live from the streets of India sirs, we have already began our daily ceremony of shit smearing in order to pump some shitcoins sirs.
>BUY BSV
BUY BSV
>BUY BSV
BUY BSV
Thank you sirs, now as I continue with the shit smearing sirs, back to our american friend for the KKKcoin weekly update!
Thanks sir, the hottest shitcoin the week is SENT garenteed 1000x pls buy
I fucking love this thread, better than the brainlet wojak glypto threads
Based as fuck. You cunts are alright.
This fucking thread topkek
I'm here live in Gringots, where Ripple has released an additional billion XRP, saying,
>we need munny for pichurs of catz for more buyz, goiz.
Cryptopians have been seen taking to the streets in what appear to be protests, before realizing that mobs are comprised of people, and fleeing back into their homes to microwave more tendies.
Back to you, steve
fuck kek Put me in the screencap
blessed thread, don't even care that you're shilling shitcoins as long as there's some effort in it
Hola mamá
quality thread
Oooo boy, it's almost as if we could smell him through the live feed. Now we're reporting live from the White House as president Trump keeps tweeting against crypto. Our new reporter, formerly CEO of a failed crypto project, Sergers.
>"*brrraaaaaap* wowie, yikes that one had some weight... oh right, um Jim, fundamentally the situation is very bullish, that's if we're talking about my weight graph, with the supply of Big Macs here it will just go vertical, about the whole crypto thing I'm out of that shithole industry hahaha *brrrrap pffffhh*
Thanks a lot, Sergers. What an absolute unit... and that brings us to the sports section, take it away!
We apologise for the sudden transition there, we've had some issues in the studio. Josh, you really shouldn't have called out his name. Sorry for all the mess everyone but it appears our Steve had shorted BTC at 9800 and has just now noticed that he has been liquidated, before he let out a loud screech as he attacked our host Stacy, yelling out "I'm not dying a virgin, come here you fucking roastie" before the security has been able to detain him.
We apologise for the mess all of you had to witness today, but everyone is on high temper due to the recent market conditions. We also apologise for whatever obscenities our viewers might've heard, we all know Steve has a good heart and it's merely his illness and stress talking. He didn't mean any of it when he said, and I quote, "Fuck niggers, fuck kikes, fuck shitskins," among many other obscenities I couldn't quite make out.
Best of luck in recovery Steve, and best of luck to everyone out in Cryptopia as they attempt to get through this horrifying blizzard. Back to our regular schedule and to Greg with sports!
this thread is pure kino
Thank you Pajjet Ranjeesh! Your content is always delivered with the highest caste system in mind. Hopefully your smeared cow shit will bring blessings of wealth and abundance to our viewers, except those niggers! Those niggers deserve to be in chains. God damn those niggers. And don't get me started on the parasitic jews! God damn them all.
The weekly KKKCoin of the week is XRP! Invest in the coin which bankers trust! Because the god damn jews are never wrong! Fuck the jews! We need to throw them in ovens. But before you turn your ovens to 500 Fahrenheit, make sure you pick up a bag of XRP! Nothing goes better with burnt jews than a burning bag of shitcoin that was pumped and dumped in 2017.
Back to you John!
I really really really like this image. Mind if I save a copy of it to my hard drive? Thank you for considering this inquiry my friend. Have a good night and I will see you tomorrow.
FUCKING Jews! Got me so aggravated I forgot to turn my web cam on.
Reporting now from Charlottesville! Slight chance of fat bitches dying of heart attacks and pencil neck commies kicking trashcans. Be careful out there! Whatever you do do not wear a Trump hat folks!
Oh no, not again. It seems like today's just gonna be a never-ending nightmare. We advise our viewers to continue watching with due dilligence, and we'll repeat and say that this show may not be suitable for minors. Thanks to our respondents from the KKKoin for their insight, but we'll just have to cut to sports right away...
What the fuck do you mean he's not ready? I don't fucking care just roll the cameras on him, anything is better than this shitshow. Oh shit we're live, I apologise again to our viewers, but onto sports we go
I can't wait for sports. Ruthann turn the dern TV up they's about to give us the tree hockey updates
best thread
put these fucking titties in the screencap
Today was an interesting day in the sports world, there was lots of sportsing going around. Your boomer neighbor probably won't shut the fuck up about the NFL, and that's because the season's getting ready to start! That's right folks, Boomer Bills all across the country, who wouldn't piss on a negro even if he were on fire, will be cheering for everybody's least-favorite minority in the coming weeks! Get ready to see the likes Quantavius La'Shawnson Jackson IV, Quintillius Mark'Anthony III, and Devaugn La'Fondavius among many more chase after a ball for their masters!
In the white man's world, there isn't much to say about the NHL but the MLB season is heating up. Close races between the AL Central and the NL wild card have the fans on the edge of their seats. The Dodgers, Astros, and Yankees are unsurprisingly forces to be reckoned with, but some surprise small-market contenders are trying to spoil it - namely the Twins, Rays, and Athletics.
That's all for sports! Let's send it away to Karen, she's on the scene with some dumb fucking local story
fcuking great, thanks
This thread has got me cackling
>Quantavius La'Shawnson Jackson IV, Quintillius Mark'Anthony III, and Devaugn La'Fondavius
Reminds me
WE ARE GOING TO CUT AWAY FROM KAREN BECUASE SHE IS A DUMB ROASTIE AND ALSO TO INFORM YOU OF THIS BREAKING NEWS.
We have just acquired what appears to be a one on one interview with user and the founder of the notorious link meme group "delphi". Nightly news has acquired this video for your viewing pleasure.
youtube.com
Back to you karen ( you dumb roastie )
Pepe threads are ALWAYS better than Wojak threads
Jesus fucking Christ who let Steve back in the studio? Someone get him out please. No, I don't fucking care he's the director's son, that cunt can fire me if he wants but this autistic brat isn't staying here any longer.
Anyway, thanks Greg for bringing us the latest in sports with entertaining and interesting commentary as usual, even though nobody cares about that shit anyway. What the fuck do you mean I can't curse? I just lost $3000 yesterday, give me a break Phil. Goddamn I'm out, I'm done with today. I apologise to our viewers for my unprofessional behaviour sincerely, but it seems that I just cannot go any longer today. I'll let Stacy, my co-host, take over for the rest of it.
Now back to Karen for some more enthralling conspiracy theories that too many dumb fuckers believe and care too much about. This has been your host John with Jow Forums daily, bringing you the latest and hottest in the Business and Finance, and as always, happy trading!
And if any of you kind strangers on Reddit have enjoyed this segment or my commentary and would like to give out some gold, you know what to do :) 13PpfoL3V2zLtKxNqm5aZfSXMTh4VYjc8W
utterly based
You're too sweet, Steve my eyes are up here. Steve. Steve, this is Stacy up here.
Y..yes I know I wore this deliberately to show as much of my breasts as possible, but I'm up here Steve.
Lets just cut to Karen, with conspiracies.
...
Karen?
...
Oh
>reads from new paper
It seems Karen has been banned by jannies for writing a post questioning the validity of NSFW bans on this board when 99% of shills contain detailed pics unrelated of birth canals and fuckudders. I have a message from the jannies who hold her, which claims that if I do not read it word for word, that Karen will be beheaded on live stream. W..well here it goes:
>We are jannies. We are not particularly legion, but we are really angry. Intermittently. Sometimes we prefer naps. English is hard. Fuck Karen, she is a roastie. Fuck decent threads that have tits in them. This shit is fucking safe for work you goddamn niggerjew white trash kike loving incel-chads. Akbar is Aloha.
I..I hope that was what they wanted?
Now a message from our shi..sponsors.
Thank you, Stacy!
Before the message of our sponsors, we have a viewer, going live... now
*ring... ring*
>REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
WHAT ON GODS FLAT EARTH IS GOING ON HERE?
THIS IS NEWS REPORT IS ISLAMOPHOBIC, RACIST, ANTI FEMINIST, HOMOPHOBIC, ANTI-VEGAN AND OPPRESSIVE BUNCH OF PROPAGANDA BULLSHIT.
I DEMAND THIS CHANNEL IS SHUT DOWN AND I AM PRESSING CHARGES AGAINST THIS UTTER AND COMPLETELY PATRIARCHY FEST.
YOU CIS SCUM DARE TO DO THIS LIVE ON TV AND MANIPULATE YOUR VIEWERS?!?
I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW THAT I HAVE RECORDED THIS WHOLE BROADCAST AND WILL REPORT IT TO TUMBLR COMMUNITY
EXPECT US WE ARE COMING FOR YOU
>REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
Hello fellow (((news anchors))). It is I, your lawyer. I apologize for this interruption but I need to reassure you that this sponsor has no legal case against the Nightly News channel. I have deposited enough shekels into the FCC's offshore account to ensure we cannot be censored by this seething femcel. HOWEVER, I do believe as a responsible news agency we MUST cut out all the antisemetic content AT ONCE. (((We))) must instead focus on the evil Palestinians and their apartheid of jews in Israel. yes...
And the upcoming star Alexandra Ocasio Cortez needs more attention! Please provide our viewers with HD shots of her feet and eyeballs. yes....oy vey very good.
And effective immediately we need more content to make our viewers aware of the growing presence of white supremacists in America! As a judeo-christian nation we must not allow these white supremacist, nationalist ideals to take foot! It is (((our duty))) as news anchors to push propaganda to keep the goyim unaware of the changing demographics currently taking place within their states and local cities. If we are to continue to get funding from George Soros these regulations regarding our content here at Nightly news must be immediately implemented!
Toasting in unusually epic bread.
PUT MY ASS IN THE CAP
Quality thread. Gave me a few chuckles. God bless y'all
Oi m8 when will we get to see the international news? I'm already out of tinnies and Shira is complaing about the voice starting soon.
Oi CRIKEY! Hi fellow viewer. International news will return with Nighly News after this short commercial break. Please continue to use CBN as your designated brainwashing television channel. Remember, without you viewers we are just yellow journalists without an influence. We will be right back!