How do I become a Jew?

If your mother is goyish, you're a goy. If your mother is jewish (and her mother is jewish), then you're a jew. If you want to convert - and I have no idea why you'd want to convert - reach out to a rabbi. Pretty simple stuff, user.

Jew here.

You're only Jewish if your mother's mother's mother was Jewish, since Jewishness is passed down maternally.

If you decide you want to convert, the rabbi whom you see will turn you away three times, because he wants to know you are serious about this, and not just being a troll. If you return after your third time being turned away and are accepted as a convert, you will go through a grueling process (3-5 years for men, 1-2 years for women). You will learn Hebrew, have to memorize most of the prayers, will have to keep kosher, abstain from everything prohibited (meaning, no more fapping to anime porn), etc. After you enter the mikveh and get cut, you are now a Jew for life. This isn't like converting to Christianity or Buddhism where you can leave at any time. You are now a Jewish soul (or rather, your Jewish soul has now been revealed), and any fuck up on your end will put you on G-d's bad side until you fully repent.

And being a Jew isn't just about religion or race. It's about reciprocating the good will you receive from other Jews (as we are all one extended family). You will be expected to love your fellow Jew. You will be required to marry Jewish and have Jewish kids. You will be expected to put your kids in Jewish schools, buy from Jewish businesses (yes, I'm aware there is no ethical consumerism under capitalism), give to Jewish charities, support Jewish programs, and so on. If you don't do this, other Jews will start to question your sincerity as a convert.

TL;DR - think long and hard before you convert.

I am already learning hebrew. I want to be part of the elite.

This is true. But take off your memeflag you secular faggot.

I want to look down on goyim.
If I don't become fully jewish, can I still consider myself a jew anyhow? DOnt wanna get my knob cut

Good enough?

Ivanka, what are you doing in Australia?

Just pretend youre jewish

Much better.

Not really, no. You'd be a perpetual LARPer.

Sounds like your dad is, but you’re not
As far as conversion it’s something that takes thousands of hours and lasts between 2-5 years and requires circumcision
t. Orthodox Jew

>How do I become a Jew?

Keep all the branches off your family tree for a few hundred years. Collect all the garbage superstitions and hold them in your schizo mind.

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When I was asking my grandpa about his mum and shit, he got really emotional. Got me right in the feels.
His mother used to say 'Philip make nice the hair' and give him a comb. When he was telling me this he had a tear in his eye :) :) :)

If this is the case, you are converting for exactly the wrong reasons.

Being "Chosen" doesn't mean racial superiority or whatever. It has everything to do with responsibility. We were given the Torah and all of its secrets not to bask in a sense of "we are teh best yay!!1" but to be G-d's vanguard party (so to say). We are the ones who bring redemption to the world, and if you don't want to take up those obligations you are certainly not a true Jewish neshama.

nigga pls, the only reason people convert to Judaism is because they want to marry a Jewish man but he won't put the ring on it until the girl converts

Find an oven, and hop on in bud

Yeah exactly
As far as the person who said “fake it”, it’s really easy to spot when it’s the case

I don't believe Ivanka's conversion was valid, and I'll explain why:

As a Jewish woman, I can attest Ivanka is NOT adhering to one of the most basic mitzvot for women: modesty. Look at the way she dresses: she shows off her arms and knees, sometimes cleavage, doesn't cover her hair despite being married, etc. Keep in mind there are female converts who get disowned for wearing pants.

Get a lawyer that can prove your grandmother was Jewish with legal documents. From there the road is easy.

1 the conversion process is simple and is done with a loaded revolver
2 you just point it at your head and say "accept this sacrifice and make me a jew"

3 then pull the trigger, voila, you're a convert and an official jew

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Genetically speaking, Jews are pretty much the same as any Christian. The stereotypical behavior seems to be something that's learned from the jewish community. Apart from personal beliefs, it seems like a nice traditional religion with lots of meaningful symbology and numerology. I not an expert on it, but it definitely is based around the same god that Christians worship. Basically, if you believe that Christ is the only key to salvation, then don't feel forced into Judaism, after all, Christianity was started by a jew. If you doubt the divinity of Christ or think the story was skewed by time, then Judaism isn't a bad choice. You're not Jewish unless you choose to be, but if you do, try not to pick up the stereotypical behavior. But if you don't become Jewish you'll still have a jew nose anyway lel

Just LARP. You can be a woman if you feel like it, therefore you can identify as a Jew. Dancers flocked to me at a sports bar because I didn't tip them and they assumed I was a Jew. We ended up playing grab ass while I took my 3 hour lunch break.

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Oh. You should totally neck yourself ya poofter.

no one cares? Ivanka is tall, beautiful, smart, respected, rich, powerful. That's why it only took her 3 months to do a full Orthodox conversion, and why she doesn't need to dress in a sack to be accepted

you're fat and dumpy and jelly

Judaism, Christianity, and Islam all have much different understandings of G-d, different epistemology, etc. Claiming all three are "the same" is highly disingenuous.

Snip, snip.

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It's ridiculously easy to spot a LARPer.
Truth.

Also, wtf, why are orthodox jews using memeflags? Both of you - have some standards.

Actually I'm 6ft tall and quite thin.

That's because you cannot afford food.

Il help you. (

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and she's mad jelly of Ivanka's universal respect and admiration from the Jewish community

Congrats! Now go kill yourself, hang yourself or look in the pill cabinet for a big pill bottle and call it a day. All jews should be killed, and more importantly: burned to ashes.

why you come in here , where you're hated
are you a self-punishing jewksa ?

kek

Sharpen your nose

The same way they all did. Start calling yourself one, and throw a stein or Berg at the end of your surname.

That's literally all there is to it. Oh, and you have to deny Christ.

wtf I hate milo now

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You can join reform or reconstructionist judaism without any of the stuff said. Judaism is actually a pretty awesome religion. Go to a few temple services and see what you think.

Contact one of these many groups, they'll help you out.

youtube.com/watch?v=7dGJDJoeAok

youtube.com/watch?v=8XnQN9Jjh2Q

act-il.com/

youtube.com/watch?v=tYleadaZ8vM
>ACT.IL shill recruitment video

thejidf.org

thejidf.org/2008/10/about-jidf.html

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jewish_Internet_Defense_Force

fortune.com/2016/09/12/facebook-google-israel-social-media/
archive.is/HpArO
>Why Facebook and Google Are Complying With Israel to Delete Certain Content

archive.is/sMsxH
>Israel’s Online Shadow Operations
>Numerous well funded, organized projects by and for Israel work to flood social media with pro-Israel propaganda, while blocking facts Israel dislikes. The projects utilize Israeli soldiers, students, American teens and others, and range from infiltrating Wikipedia, Reddit and Jow Forums to influencing YouTube. Some operate out of Jewish Community Centers in the U.S.

archive.is/bdyTW
>Israel launches secret squad to challenge negative image & boycott campaign

youtube.com/watch?v=Vqhi16iikxk
>"Israel's Internet Censorship War - If Americans Knew"

youtube.com/watch?v=ceCOhdgRBoc
>"The Lobby P1: Young Friends of Israel – Al Jazeera Investigations"

youtube.com/watch?v=q2os2ZgrYw0
>"JIDF Editing on Wikipedia"

youtube.com/watch?v=2zbcEcSYcS8
>Israeli American Council shill recruitment video

youtube.com/watch?v=D2cNvncfCtk
>"Tony Martin IHR Conference Tactics of Organized Jewry in Suppressing Free Speech"

youtube.com/watch?v=XNWF9CeoZdE
>"Defamation" – Documentary about how acusations of anti-semitism are used as a JIDF tool to silence goyim who criticize anything related to jews.

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The extended family part explains a lot. Can't say I blame them, because it is effective, but definitely explains all of the jews in elite positions and the corruption that naturally comes from that.
Honestly, don't bother. If status is all you're after, you won't get much from it and if the judeo-christian god exists then there will be punishment for being insincere.

This is the absolute worst board to mention this on, but occultism is probably the best bet. Most western orders are positive and religious in nature, you learn a shitload of enriching spiritual philosophy, Judaic concepts are prominent, and it seems to be very popular among the elite. If you have any Masonic organizations in your country that can be a huge help because they share the extended-family concept to an extent.

>Any Israeli's or Jews here be able to help me out?
>Jew here.
>As a Jewish woman
>Genetically speaking, Jews are pretty much the same as any Christian
etc.

Anyone else notice the increase in all the "not all jews", "X jews are different from Y jews", "Israel is your friend" etc. posts and how they're now trying to "banter" and be accepted?

Also notice how JIDF has suddenly stopped using meme flags and are now showing their geo flags and are trying to engage with the board? There's been an increase in Israeli flags by almost 500% over the past two weeks.

What's going on? Why the change in tactics all of a sudden? Are they freaked out about the rise of JQ awareness among normies? Just tired of getting BTFO with their old methods? Something else?

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Help me out I also would like to become jewish I have zero jewish heritage but I here you guys rule the world and pay people to shitpost and slide thread on Jow Forums and It all kind of sounds nice

Ps I'm already circumcised but I think it was in a hospital by a doctor and I dont think an old man sucked on it idk if that part is important

>samefag
gee wonder why you're getting banned all the time

See my post here:
If you can't commit yourself to the hardline responsibilities Judaism requires of you, you should reconsider.

>Judaism is actually a pretty awesome religion.

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Look at this realfag not getting paid to post on Jow Forums. How fucking pathetic. My bank account grows big with Sorosbux with every shitpost while you stay a poor goy.

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I honestly don't care about the Israeli government. Bibi is a dickwad as far as I'm concerned.

can you suck it with false samefag accusations, psychokike?

Yeshu would have also undergone metzitzah b'peh...

Good posts.

Speaking in a strict realpolitik sort of way - and assuming OP is even remotely genuine in his stated goals - he should join a Freemason Lodge.

no because it's tamudic ...... points pointsponts ....

They would have done it during his time. There are pragmatic reasons for it also.

The only benefit of being a Jew is mazza balls soup on passover.

I have to agree. OP seems power-hungry more than anything.

You mean you don't enjoy a good Yom Kippur or Tish Ba'av fasting?

That kind of makes it sound like a bummer

I'm embivalent about Yom Kippur.
On the one hand, no cars on the street so it's a very quite day.

On the other hand, lots of arsim (bad middle eastern Chads) on the street pretending to be good jews in white clothing until the next day where they eat milk and meat and stab people in the clubs

Just go Reconstructionist or Reform. Fuck Orthodox. None of the elites you want to be are Orthodox anyway. They have a Reform membership at best. Also all IDF thots are secular.

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It seems finacially beneficial Jews and support other Jews. I'm not saying that's a bad thing either I appreciate a strong community

no there arent, it's mumbo jumbo pseudotheology , shut up

If it's true, it's only true if you are religious.
No jew ever helped me, only good old fashioned American tax dollars.

Rich Jews don't care about working Jews. Capital has no nation, no religion, no culture.

Is that a big todo as well. I thought maybe I could just show up at a temple and just go all the time till I'm part of the group

The problem is, Reconstructionalist or Reform isn't Judaism, it's akin to LARPing. All the "hard parts" are cut out.

I'll admit, I like the dour holidays, desu. That being said, I really do love a good Seder. Shabbat is patrician tier, too. I unironically think most Jow Forumsacks would love observing Shabbat.

I've heard temple is good networking. No?

Spirit Cook like Milo

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What is Reconstructionist Judaism trying to reconstruct? And, what is Reform Judaism trying to reform? What do these denominations mean, compared to Orthodox or Conservative (which many say is hardly conservative)?

Israel is different. The Jewish identity is not very strong because everyone is Jewish. If you were diaspora you'd understand differently what it means to be Jewish.

They choose lefty politics over Judaism every time the two come into conflict. Jews in name only, truly.

I don't know a thing about islam and didnt mention it for that reason. I'm not devoted to any specific religion and believe in a more abstract divine consciousness rather than a more human-like being. It's easy to group them together because the general conception is quite similar in my understanding, both being quite different from my personal beliefs. Calling them the same may have been wrong, but it was meant in the more general sense that Christianity and it's concept of god originated from Judaism. They seem to be the same type of god, if that makes sense, but of course with different personalities(?) and different ways of worshiping

I wouldn't know since I'm not religious. The only time I've been in a tample is on my bar mizva

Become a tranny like those in the pic

It's best to ride the bycicle on shabbat. Almost no cars and no people on the street

Why dont you suck up the bullshit for the advancement opportunities? I was raised catholic and I dont go to church because there are no advantages to doing it and the whole pedo thing. I feel like if I was jewish I would have taken the leg up

what if a palestinian stabs you ?

Don't. What are you, retarded?

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Maybe, I won't leave though. Free Healthcare and education.

Then you ride fast

The way I've always understood Judaism is, it centers around busting your ass for G-d in order to bring on the redemption. Reform and Reconstructionist reject a lot of the "bust your ass" part (Reconstructionists being the absolute worst, basically a bunch of hipsters who couldn't care less but want an excuse to cling to Yiddishkeit without having to forfeit post-Enlightenment liberalism).

I will consider it to get a qt religious gf.

Both tried to make Jews more able to participate in secular life. The conservative movement eventually grew out of the reform movement, and tried to move closer to traditional Judaism while keeping some reform tenets. Not sure about reconstructionism, but I think they have a definitive feminist bent. Never understood how they're any different than reform Judaism.
Also, like you mention, I no longer see how conservative Jews are really different than reform Jews. The conservatives have relented on every item of principle to lefty politics, so the only difference left is that conservative services have more Hebrew in them.

Yea you dont even really get that in Catholicism and the ones that are hot but religious are nutso

>How do I become a Jew?
pic related

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what if he hits you with a stone?

My pure steel Jewish muscles fear no stones

typical jew into anal

For Reconstructionist think Unitarian Universalists with Hebrew. They accept almost anything. Almost literally UU with Hebrew.

For Reform think Judaism but removing all the hard and non-modern parts and adding some fun parts and strong community parts. Like singing classes, arts and crafts for the kids, picnics, BBQs, festivals, parties, stuff like that. Business networking also!

Reform Judaism is the vast majority of Jews. Orthodox/Hasidic are actually a minority.

All Judaism has a lot of good singing and dancing and that's preserved also in Reform and Recon too.