I feel ambiguous and guilty about benefiting from my white privilege in a very specific way today.
Don't get me wrong: I benefit from white privilege EVERY day. It allows me to walk around in a shielded bubble of never having to think about whether a store clerk is eyeing me distrustfully when I stop in to buy a lightbulb, never have to think about whether some ICEhole will ask to see my papers if I'm picking up a kid at school, never have to be conscious of how many of the people in pictures and movies and advertisements do/don't look like me... oh, all kinds of things, every single day.
Like a fish, I don't notice the water I've been breathing all along, except when I try to remind myself. When I try to pay attention. Which, honestly, isn't nearly often enough.
And then today I got my nose rubbed in my white privilege, pretty hard.
I made an illegal left turn. Right in front of a cop car.
Mind you, I didn't realize the left turn I was making was illegal. There was a sign, according to the cop who promptly pulled me over, but I didn't see it. Bad me.
Anyway, I made the left, and the cop car's flashers went on, and I thought, 'WTF? Is that for me?' even as I proceeded to a cutout and pulled over.
And as I was getting my wallet out of my purse, and opening the glove box for my registration, I was thinking, "What would I be feeling right now if my skin was brown?"
(I am so, so very white... Even in the middle of the summer after plenty of work in the garden, no one would ever mistake me for anything but white.)
And I thought, "Instead of being annoyed about possibly being late for my meeting, and about a potential fine for something, and possible points on my license if whatever I did was really horrific, I would be feeling terrified about possibly being yanked from the car, told to lie down on the ground, handcuffed, otherwise brutalized and/or traumatized, possibly arrested, and a whole cascade of other horrors to follow. I'd probably be worrying about that."
Instead, the pleasant-looking, youngish Anglo cop stuck his face toward the window as I lowered it, and asked nicely (with a "please, Ma'am", even) for my license, proof of insurance, and car registration. And let me reach into the glove box for the one, and into my wallet for the other two, and took them from me politely, while he explained that the left turn I'd just made was illegal.
And that there was a sign. And that it was illegal because it's unsafe to make a left turn there because cross-traffic blah-blah and signal blah-blah, and would I please remain in the car in the driver's seat for a 'few minutes'.
To which I nodded, of course. And he walked back to his car.
And I took out my cell phone to tell one of the people I had a meeting scheduled with, that I might be a few minutes late.
And while I was doing that, I thought, "If my skin was brown, would I reach for my cell phone, and hold it up where the cop could see it, and make this call?"
And I thought, "Fuck, no, I WOULD NOT. I would sit still like a mousie with my hands both on the wheel and pray like hell that the cop isn't in a prove-something mood today."
I finished my call, and put the phone away, and after another minute or two, the nice young white cop approached my window again, and told me he was issuing me a 'written warning', which would not involve a fine or a court appearance, and would I sign here, please?
And I thought, for just a moment I thought, about asking the nice young white cop, "Officer, if my skin were brown, would I be getting an actual ticket this time? Or worse?"
But of course, I didn't. #NotAllCops blah-blah and besides I'm chickenshit. I admit it. I chickened on that.
So I thanked the officer nicely, and signed where he pointed, and accepted my copy of the warning and my license and insurance certification and car registration back from him. And promised to drive safely and pay better attention to signs, yes, officer.
And while the officer went back to his car I put the documentation away and folded up the warning and put it away and started my car, and signaled to pull out, and carefully went on my way, driving as safely as I could for the whole rest of my journey.
And I'm feeling so damned ambivalent right now. Of course I'm glad that I, personally, had no negative effects from the encounter.
But I'm sitting here wondering where I'd be, now, at this moment, if my skin were brown. Late for my meeting? Worrying about paying my fine and/or possible points on my license? In a holding cell?
In the fucking morgue?
White privilege sucks. Because I have it, that means lots of my neighbors and friends DON'T have it. They have to live with these calculations and thoughts every single day, and I hate that.
I wish it hadn't been white privilege that made my little encounter so harmless. I wish it were just the way things are for everyone.
I'll stay aware of how and why I benefit as I did today. And I'll do my best to just make it the way things are for everyone, in every way I can.
Goddamn if this isn't the perfect example of why women shouldn't be allowed to vote. Doesn't even get the privilege right - in this case it's the gash between her legs if anything. Cops worry less around women because basically they're just like dumb children so you excuse most of their stupid behavior.
