My boyfriend is almost 32 years old...

My boyfriend is almost 32 years old. We have lived together for around two and a half years and his habits are starting to affect my mental health.

He is the laziest person I know, which is having a very negative impact on our household. We've been off work together for a week and he hasn't tidied the apartment once, where as I have tidied several times. I say several times because he leaves a trail of destruction wherever he goes. He will literally walk past the bin with a wrapper and leave it on a table. His used towels are thrown around the house.

I've tried speaking to him about this. I have a full-time job, I cook pretty much every single meal we eat, i manage bills, I do the food shopping, I'm the only one who drives, and although I'm happy to contribute to a household, he does nothing. When I bring it up, he accuses me of nagging or bringing it up at a bad time but there is no suitable time to bring it up, as his reaction is always the same.

We're getting to the stage now where family isn't too far in the future, and I cannot imagine having this kind of mess along with a new born baby (or even older children).

I really love this guy and I want to try and resolve the issue, as this is the only thing wrong. However, he's making it very difficult to discuss to even start to resolve.

Halp?

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Sit him down and put the cards on the table. Tell them this is end-all for you. He NEEDS to get his act together. You tried so many times now and the ball's in his court.

DonÄt support a manchild, user. He'll always stay that way if you don't kick his ass.

fucking dump him or you'll be cleaning up his shit for your entire life. if he's too lazy to clean why would he change his habits when you already seem to do everything for him anyways? you're just his mother at this point.

Matters of the household is the womans responsibility

Has he ever lived on his own?
Maybe he's always depended on other people cleaning up after his ass

this man can't fucking put garbage in bin

at 32 it isn't going to happen but if you think having a child with this guy a great idea then you go right ahead

Back to Jow Forums you go.

Is he making a lot of money? If answer is no then dump him. If yes then it's ur job to take care of the house.

He had his own place prior to us moving in together and that should flagged up some issues, as it was absolutely filthy when I first visited.

I'm normally quite a proactive person and I really don't mind tidying and doing household chores because it keeps me busy, but I feel like everything is on my back and I'm doing it out of necessity rather than wanting to.

He was living in a houseshare before having his own place, with other filthy people who happened to be stoners, and I dread to think what this looked like.

I feel like a naggy bitch always having to bring this up. For example, I got up this morning, had a coffee and then went to change the bedding which he had mentioned was dirty. On his side of the bed there were four glasses and one of them had mold growing in it.

Even if he just cleaned up after himself, I'd feel much better about the situation.

No, I make a fair bit more than he does. Not that it matters as we're comfortable anyway, so this isn't a bone of contention or anything.

He really is well looked after. I don't even think I'd mind as much if he was appreciative of what I do.

Ok I will be serious this time. What ur doing is simply enabling his behaviour further. You need to put your foot down and give him 2 options. Either he fucking gets his shit together or you dump his ass on the street. You do not want a future with a boy but a man.

Divide up all the household chores and make a schedule around it. Make sure its 50/50. Maybe everytime you cook gets will do the dishes etc

A healthy household is ran with mutually shared responsibility.

As much as you don't want to do it is recommended dumping his lazy ass.
You can try to get him to change but if he doesn't soon enough you're fucked

These pretty much sum everything up.

Your already in your 30's, dating a man child will go nowhere and if you had a kid EVERYTHING would be on you and that can't happen.

It's going to be hard to get somebody like that to change. Keeping your household clean and tidy/cleaning after yourself is typically a learned responsibility earlier in life. Filthy adults almost never change or quickly revert back to being dirty after attempted reform.

In his defense, he is very good at completing jobs with enough notice. So for example, I'll ask him if he can do the washing up after dinner and he always says he'll do it the day after, when he finishes work. He will go and do it, there's just a pretty big delay.

It's not a massive problem now and I understand we don't live in filth (mostly because of me) but I can't imagine having another tiny human being in this lifestyle.

Its not just chores around the house. You are the only one that drives so what happens when all your time is consumed with child care, you need something at the store and he's sitting on his ass?

I have a friend like that, but doesn't sound as sloppy. Hes a neet though and they're getting married in a year or so. I have no idea what she sees in him. They started dating years ago when he still didnt have a job. She pays for everything and sometimes gives him an allowance to buy stuff. He claims to clean the house but every time he does it seems to only take him a few minutes at a time each week so I question if hes actually doing it. Plus he cooks but its apparently just stuff like premade frozen food, hotdogs and rarely anything homemade. Its odd because when I do speak to her she sounds like she enjoys the relationship considering their future. Are they both insane?

What do you love about him?

I know some girls like this and all of them are really insecure and stay with the guy believing as long as they do everything for them the guy won't run off for another girl. Its kinda like the guy that is married to a big woman believing no one else may want her and so she probably won't cheat but all the while complain about her being fat.

OP, I'm just going to be frank here - different people have different standards of what is clean and tidy. And because of that, what looks like filth to you, probably doesn't look like anything to him.

I've always been on the messier side, while my mom is legitimately a full-on diagnosed OCD cleaner. She vacuums spare bedrooms that no one has been in 3 times a week. She tried to instill this kind of cleanliness in me, and it just didn't take.

The problem is, people like myself and your boyfriend just don't see how it's a mess, or see what the big deal is, we're not bothered by it. It doesn't even register in our brains as something that needs to be taken care of.

About once a week, generally on a Saturday, I stop and make sure things are picked up and dealt with. Dishes are done or at least put in the washer, I take out the trash, I clean up the counters, I pick up towels. But honestly, I don't think I'm ever going to get to a point where I'm immediately cleaning up after myself without someone nagging or yelling at me to do it.

So take that for what it's worth - he might not ever change to your liking. The best I can suggest is a daily checklist with some kind of a reward. Like if he makes the bed and throws towels in the hamper for 7 days straight, he gets a blowjob. I dunno.

Thank you for your reply - a very good point.

When I was younger, I used to be just as messy as he is, but this changed as I got older. We have a really lovely apartment and I like to keep it clean so it looks nice, but I understand he might not have the same standards as me.

I don't consider his behaviour to be intentional, just to annoy me. I understand he probably doesn't realise how frustrated I get, or how bad it makes the apartment look when he leaves his underpants in the living room.

I don't think I should have to trade sexual favours for small household chores (although I'm sure he'd high five you for the suggestion!) as I end up doing a lot in the household anyway. I probably could change my attitude and reactions towards him though, to quietly nudge as opposed to demand.

Everything. He's absolutely wonderful, my best friend and the person I want to spend my life with. We've known each other for around 9 years and I still enjoy waking up every day to him. This is why it's so frustrating - messiness seems like such an inane thing to be annoyed about.

Yeah, sorry, I stole the blowjob thing from another thread on here a while back, but I was mainly just trying to think of something most every guy likes that might actually be a motivator. For example, you could promise to cook my favorite dinner as a reward for cleaning, and I'd be like "eh I don't really like home cooked meals anyways" and go spend $40 at a nice steakhouse and still throw my towels on the floor. So, speeds may vary... I don't work well with incentives.

I don't think quietly nudging will help though - I'm of the opinion that you need to speak your mind. Men and women have a lot of communication barriers. What may seem like an obvious nudge to you may go unheard by him, and just make you more frustrated.

One alternative - what if you simply stop doing some of the chores? See how long it takes for him to start to notice that the things he's not doing are having an effect on the cleanliness of the home?

I'll admit, I had a roommate who used to clean the downstairs all the time, it'd be spic and span, better than I could do it, and he'd constantly complain about our other roommate's mess. But I didn't really see it, because he was always cleaning the downstairs.

Then when he moved out, I realized how dirty the roommate was, and I suddenly had to take on the cleaning.

He's an ass and he will never learn til you always cook for him, buy groceries, and do bills for him.

I'm thinking undiagnosed ADHD.

I'll expand sorry. Look into it as a possibility.

I have ADHD, I'm like this. Path of destruction, hyperfocus on tasks and inability to break and do other tasks. All that. (It also comes with a shit tonne of benefits and perks, I have many good qualities owed to ADHD)

I can also clean tidy cook help and all around be useful.

The issue isn't laziness or not wanting to for me. It's that my neurology works a certain way and I need to fully understand it and organize my life in such a way that I can do what needs to be done.

I too get frustrated when things are brought up, and it isn't so much because I'm offended or think people are wrong, it's because I've heard it all tirelessly since I was a child and didn't get any form of treatment, cbt or medication until I was27 so I lacked the skills to do something.

All I knew it every damn day someone was pointing out flaws I was well aware I had and had zero idea how to address and couldn't just will myself to do what they wanted, and was tired of hearing it and wanted people to leave me be. Especially because it's blindsiding. Part of ADHD is lack of mindfulness. I'd didn't know I was passing athing that could be throw out. I didn't realise I had made mess in 20 minutes flat doing what I was doing. I was just in my world going about my day feeling good and someone would come and burst it by getting all pissy about a thing I had no idea I had or hadnt done.

It wasn't I thought they were wrong it was more "yeah I understand what you want me to do, I know what's expected, I've tried my best, and I didn't live up to it, and now you're shouting and treating me poorly as though I've done something wrong with no recognition this is a point of extreme difficulty to me and I'm *trying*" kind of thing.

Treatment works. Meds help a lot but simple cbt and knowing what you're up against and understanding how to trick yourself into doing what you want to do is profound.

Look into it op.

One girl is ready to fuck you over on earliest occasion while other will worship lazy guy or abusive drunkard.
Either modern females are defective or it's natural sexual strategy that due to some miracle didn't cause extinction of humanity.

>I know some girls like this and all of them are really insecure and stay with the guy believing as long as they do everything for them the guy won't run off for another girl.
Well, that would be an ideal situation if man is of any value and doesn't screw around..

This makes me wonder if I have ADHD. I'm very much like this.

It's common. And not really damage. It easily goes undetected.
What I've listed isn't enough to diagnose or decide on it. It is definitely enough to do some homework and talk to a doctor.

Some people are badly brought up and inherently selfish.

How does he treat staff at restaurants and his mother?

A man that after 2 years is too weak to have tamed his bitch and trained her to know it is her duty to cook, clean, etc?

Sounds like a beta. I'd drop him if I was you. Get yourself a real man.

nag him until he hangs himself

fine by me
im lazy as fuck

Force the discussion. Say 'every time's been bad so it looks like there's no time like the present.'

A man at 32 who will not sit down and discuss his flaws is not worthy of marriage. I'm sorry, but you'll be signing up to babysit someone for a really, really long time if you marry into that problem.

Nip it now. Sit him down, he's going to squirm but by 32 he should have a taste for the necessary.