>have a decent job, nothing to really complain about >find it easy to act friendly, known as a social and kind guy at work >in reality i put on another personality at work, i'm actually quite emotionally empty, occasionally i can enjoy videogames or anime though >derive zero joy from underperforming >turns out my best is considered below average in everything >i'm blatantly bad at videogames, i lack any expected skill or gamesense or reflexes or ability to aim or even make choices, absolutely can not keep track of more than one thing at a time >videogames have been my sole purpose to live through most of my life but they rarely entertain me anymore >don't know anything else, can't even draw stick figures, can't write well, can't create, only consume >get home from work and stare at youtube unsatisfyingly most days >would cry myself to sleep every night if i remembered how to let tears out Would you kill yourself at this point? What keeps you going?
Music is what keeps me going and a year ago I couldn't even remember the name of notes, let alone read them on music sheets because I had spent half of my life completely neglecting music and forgetting how it used to make me happy as a kid/teen.
Now I'm playing songs on the piano and producing my own shitty-sounding tracks but I've made baby steps towards my dreams. When you see someone ripping a sick guitar shred or drawing life-like portraits or whatever, you don't ever see the boring thousands of hours that they've spent practicing and fucking up and being bad.
As far as video games go too, I would say that you may as well take a break from then. It's real easy to get addicted and burnt out and just go through the motion. You can look into whatever technical or creative aspects of a video game and try that out whether it's coding or modelling or animation or sound design or whatever else
Adrian Brown
Drawing is more about practice than talent. As long you kept drawing, you'll improved.
Shiro Kotobuki. He became a successful character designer AFTER he got in an accident that crippled him from the neck down. Before that he was just another salary man doing office work 9 to 6 that couldn't draw shit.
Seems to me like it's depression. I recommend doing some research and diagnosing yourself. If it turns out to be depression, the best thing to do is talk to someone, a therapist is most helpful, but friends, and family work too. Please, talk to your doctor about it. It can also be something else.
Angel Russell
make a goal for yourself and work towards it. you feel like you have no purpose but it's really because you aren't working towards an ultimate goal
Easton Baker
test
Jonathan Barnes
Oh. I think I want to try again. I want to. I don't dare to. I want to? I gotta consider it. Drawing I mean.
Was helplessly on SSRI for 3 years. Even at 40mg I felt exactly like now, nothing changed in me. I forgot it for a few days some weeks ago and abruptly quit, zero difference.
Jose Brown
I’d say video games are a big part of the problem. I used to be a huge gamer also and found myself depressed and not knowing what to do with myself. It wasn’t easy but I put down the controller. I looked up hiking trails and started hiking and shooting my guns a bit more. But just breaking the video game addiction was enough. Playing the hero in a game does leave you feeling like there isn’t much you can do. But keep in mind video games are fiction and there will be things you’re good at, you just have to find them and keep a realistic standard. Get out and see the world, get in shape, (if you’re not already) and you’ll feel better and the world will be so much easier to manage.
Samuel Lewis
Git gud, seriously I’ve been in slumps where video games have been the only thing I’ve felt good at, if you think it will Help keep you together, I would pick a game or to and sweat at it. Watch pro videos all that.
Jack Ward
that 6th level is trash
Austin Brooks
You're holding yourself to a high standard which you have yet to act towards attempting to achieve. It's unproductive. High ideals for the 'best life' to be living and the most satisfying activities to be doing is great - to aim towards, but you're human, don't expect these things to happen overnight, or at all. I'll get shit for saying this, but if you're genuinely going to kill yourself because you just feel mediocre, you're going to have to acknowledge and get over this fact first. Meditate on it, you are average.
Once you've accepted that fact, notice I said high ideals weren't a bad thing. What I will say is to judge your performance on a day-to-day basis on this criteria is stupid and is further depressing and discouraging you. Move in the direction of your ideals, but you're not getting there today, or tomorrow. Begin by building micro-routines. Brush your teeth, shower at a certain time of day. Wash your clothes. Eat regular meals at regular times, get a healthy portion of exercise regularly. This will bring order to the chaos in your life, it's the first means you can use to attempt to exert will on your surroundings. One common theme I notice in depressed people, is that the damage is unbearable when they are ineffectual, when their life influences them more than they influence it.
Once you have done this, build habits. Take your "crazy, wild" dreams. All the things you want to see, want to learn, want to do, the person you want to become. Think on how you could take concrete action, in the real world, to accomplish these things. Perhaps think of successful people who have done so, meditate on how they got to be where they are. Now, take this as far from the abstract as possible, make it concrete. Break down problems into the smallest steps you can take. Steps from here, and now, to potentially decades from now. Plan as much as you need to motivate yourself to start. And then, quite simply, do it.
Again, I'm going to tie it back into routines. Now that you, in this situation, would know what you would like to achieve, and how you're going to achieve it, and are exerting the neccessary control to bring some order into your life already, you can make another routine. It's commonly attirbuted to Jerry Seinfeld, called "don't break the chain". Like with the micro-routines I had mentioned before, I want you to do this every day, regularly. For example, if you want to make art, I could recommend that you practice fundies or make studies for at least two hours, every day. If you want to write, spend at least 2 hours writing through your ideas and revising them. If you want to meet new people more, go to a bar or a hobby club and talk to at least a set number of people every day. Every day you do this, it build a chain. For most people, it will take 2 to 3 months to build a habit. In this time, it is essential you do not break the chain, otherwise this could all collapse. Humans are hardwired to avoid loss over making gain, you can override your desire for shortterm rewards with your desire not to lose your chain, which is building habits to allow you to develop yourself into a more confident, effectual, and capable mindset.
Austin Watson
And lastly, I'll adress again that purely because of your mediocrity, you feel like killing yourself. For one, this is likely because you're having these ideas, these thoughts, and you're refusing to give yourself the opportunity to express them and pursue them, that's fairly standard. But also, from personal experience, you are judging yourself in the reference frame of your ideals, rather than your progress. Let me explain the problems with that. Your value in life is not placed in singular goals, and the fact that you are not actively trying to accomplish them is undermining your mental health and esteem. You can't possibly expect to accomplish these lofty goals on a day-to-day basis, and yet that's how you are judging yourself on a day-to-day basis. Even with this method, the vast, vast majority of your time will be in pursuit of your goals, not achieving them. If you want to retain your sanity, keep this in mind: the journey is more important, and longer, than the destination. Do not judge yourself on your ideals, but instead against who you were yesterday. You are not an on/off value of success or failure, as a human being you are constantly changing and progressing. Your plans may fail, your efforts may be for nought. Acknowledge that. Value what you have learned, and what strength you have gained, for when everything crumbles around you, they will remain part of you and you can reapply your efforts elsewhere. None of us are intended for only one thing. Learn to love progress, and you can learn to love life.
Samuel Kelly
That's everything I have to say. This has been partially common advice from behavioural therapists, alongside mostly what I've taken from personal experience. I have diagnosed autism spectrum disorder, I've struggled with feelings of depression, urges to alcoholism, I've inherited psychotic symptoms through my genetic lineage and have had a family life that's set me up fairly terribly for the real world. 2 years ago, my life was a solid 1/10, at points suicidal. After following what I've mentioned here, it's more like a 4, it's just bearable.
I hope you can take me seriously, because I fucking wish someone straight up gave me all this information. This largely has described what had been my last ditch effort to make something of my life. If you have anything you want to ask or pick at me for, I'll be around.
Levi Reed
I agree, sort of. Videogames are both the only thing that has stuck as a reason to do anything, and as an excuse for why my life is so stale. I very much need to get in shape. I'm granny tier.
I seem incapable of gitting gud. Like, the majority of games I can get through without much hassle, I'm highly endurable/persistant/stubborn with finishing if I like the game enough. But I can't get "good". I can't compete, I am slow, my aim is poor, my reflexes are worse, I can't keep track of things going on especially from multiple directions. I get made fun of by friends and shitposters alike for only being mediocre at best. Mediocre is the result of nearly three decades of gaming.
user I genuinely wish I could magically feel average, but I'm below that. My "high standards" is almost a bare acceptable minimum for anyone, and while everyone else does it so easily I'm stuck at kindergarten tier. I'll look into micro routines, sounds interesting.
Two hours could be worth trying. At least I'll be occupied with more than my monitor.
Whoa user that's a lot of stuff. But you're probably right. Reading it through eased my mind a bit as well; for the last hour or so I've felt extremely down because I got rejected on yet another job offer. For the last hour I was thinking the worst possible thoughts. I kind of wanna at least AT LEAST try again now. While I brought that up, a reason why I can't get another job is that I have no drivers' license. I don't dare to even try to get one, because I am absolutely guaranteed to cause an accident and hurt people, simply because it's impossible for me to steer a wheel or keep the pace or break in time or read the right sign rule and...etc.
After work I'll try to exercise a bit before I bring out something to doodle on. I'll see where it takes me.
Aaron Thompson
i feel like we're on the same boat i fucking suck at everything too, i was born with weak muscles it holds me back in every aspect of my life i don't think i'll ever be good at anything and the feeling of that makes me want to kill myself.
>suck at socialising, easily nervous >dropped out of school, below average grades >suck at vidya, i'm passionate about fps but i don't find myself improving
my parents are the only thing keeping me from killing myself but they won't be around here forever.
you've got a good job and you have the ability to make friends easily i don't even have that
i'm only 17 and i feel like i've lived life to the fullest i can, i don't think my life will improve.
Samuel King
Not Op, but honestly, thank you. You are the type of person that the internet needs more of. This genuine niceness was really wholesome to read.
fuck off you underage retard. get your GED and stop pretending like your life is over
Xavier Rogers
I have zero ability to make friends. I haven't had a friend since I left my ex 4 years ago. I intended to kill myself then but I'm still here. I haven't felt good enough, worthy enough, worthwhile enough for someone to need to stoop down to my level and pretend to call me a friend back. I don't wanna hurt people with my presence more than necessary. Work is necessary.
I'm sorry about your disease though.
Grayson Torres
The reason you feel uncomfortable not doing something that would let you feel worthy is that you feel yourself not good/worthy enough to be loved by default. The reason might be in relationships with your parents at 1-8 years old (not enough attention/love/approval = "have to prove worthy", as an example of wrong life strategy ). All your life is compensation of this void, but you can't fill it by present or future actions. You need a psychotherapist preferably hypnotherapist. Sorry for my English, not a native
>After work I'll try to exercise a bit before I bring out something to doodle on. I'll see where it takes me. I'm glad, OP. I related too much to what you were saying, so keep in mind what I said and trust your judgement, I can't say that you or I will turn out great, or even good, but it'll get better. If you can't fly: walk, if you can't walk: crawl. Putting ourselves through hell for everything we can call our own in this world is something to live for. If that can satisfy you, you'll always be happy, and you'll always be improving.
I'm a busy, but aspiring artfag as well, I wish you luck.
