#GIOYC#

If you're not too busy, Can we go out for lunch and maybe get intimate? I do enjoy your company.

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Reading this is very therapeutic.
PS: I'm crying . I haven't cried in a while. Definitely feels good to cry

Wish I was on coke, then maybe I wouldn't feel half the feelings I am feeling. Maybe I wouldn't hold my feelings in all the time.

Want to spill out your feelings to me user? I'm not as good as coke but maybe I can help a little.

Tried hitting the gym? Treadmill and headphones works wonders for me

I like this girl but i know it's only because she paid attention to me.
I'm a lonely man, I have no self-esteem and I'm tired of sucking at life.

I'm sorry

Old one I’ve never shared before, just for you user.

I am lost today
And I don’t know why
I am sad and
There’s tears in my eyes
I am hurting but
There is no real pain
I am broken
Fix me
Again

I agree the treadmill is good. But unfortunately it wasn't enough. Life is a little extra stressful at the moment. I just gotta keep going. Gotta make a plan and just move forward.

I don't want to take you with me when I move, sorry. I lost interest in being romantically involved with you when you threw up all over my bathroom and shit your pants and then woke me up at 3 AM, three hours before I had to get up for school, to ask me what you should do about it.

Any kind of attention is better than no attention. How did she take you away?

I wish I can say this but I'm such a goofball.

Sounds like you're on the right path. Anything you can take off your plate?

Yes, please

Every online conversationn it's like I lose my mind during it and say stupid things that I wouldn't normally say and respond without fully getting what the other person is actually saying and sometimes not read all of what was sent because a reply popped in my mind about something I read in the the first lines. You can imagine how worse I would be irl

You smiling is the warmest thing I have ever seen, but I couldn't even bring myself to talk to you because I am probably always going to have feelings towards you that I know you don't have for me (which is fine) .The times we went out were fun but I know if I try to initiate anything again in the back of my head those thoughts will still be there and that just feels like I'm going to be constantly lying to you which I cant stand. All I can think of is stagnation while lethargy takes hold and it becomes a self consuming cycle, even this just feels like more reason to give up on whatever it was. But I'll still think of you and repeat whatever is happening.

I know you're not who I'm thinking of, but who are you thinking of?

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im turning 25 in a few weeks, and im so fucking overloaded. nothing is working out no matter how hard i try, and 2018 is shaping up to be just a colossal shitshow. I have no idea how all of my peers seem to find success under every stone they turn over.

i have plans to join the army, and go in as a cook and open my own restaurant when i get out. i cant help but feel like things will never get better, even if this does all work out. I feel like i'll always be stressed, and messed up no matter what i do. im not sure where all this stems from, but i had a fucked up childhood. idk, im just rambling right now. im in such a daze.

Someone who has the weight of the world on their shoulders atm
You?

I'm a huge fan of retiring from military if you can. After 20 years, you'd be 45 and collecting retirement. It'd be a smart move.

Someone probably drinking their aches and pains away.

I want to do the same but I tend to act suicidal when I drink. So I post here instead.

Unironic betaposting like this is getting very aggravating, particularly because it's always 90 % of the thread

>hurr I love you but you don't love me and that's a good thing

STFU

ive thought about it. i just dont know. leaving everything behind for so long seems so hard. the thing is man, im really underdeveloped emotionally and mentally due to my upbringing. im not ready for the world dude. im not using that as a crutch, im just so lost

What makes you think they're drinking? People think I do it a lot but actually once a week would be pushing it.

Why don't you ask them to lunch?

here I am, crying over you again.
your wish was to not talk again, so I'm fulfilling it. because your happiness is the most important thing to me, even if I'm not the reason for it.
I feel like a dumb ass for crying for you after months since the last time we spoke. you've probably been fucking other girls, too, while I've been only waiting for you.
to be honest, I tried meeting other dudes but they'd always end up mad at me and/or blocking me because I couldn't open up to them.
because I'm in love with you, even if you don't deserve my love.

I'm a former NEET and I can't understand why a girl keeps flirting with me. It's not subtle flirting, it's dead obvious and it's constant whenever I'm with her. I keep rethinking the situation, wondering if I'm reading all of this wrong, but I'm not. Hell, for a good 20 seconds, we just talked and got lost in each other's eyes and she had the brightest smile on her face.

She's absolutely gorgeous and I don't know what she sees in me, if anything at all. I still don't have my shit together, I don't have a vehicle and I live with my parents because it's cheaper than living on campus, neither of which she knows. It'll probably be a deal breaker, but it's whatever.

This is the first time a girl has shown any sort of interest in me. I don't know how to feel about this, or if I should feel anything at all. Regardless, it's fun while it's lasting.

Then the military is a good place for you. It's like a giant family and they protect their own. Yet, it'll allow you to grow with lots of advancement opportunities. Don't get me wrong, not a cake walk but good for maturing.

What's going on with upbringing and why do you feel so lost? Honestly, life is hard, but overcoming what it throws at you is how you grow. It really would be boring if we all were prepared for everything.

jokes on you, i've been waiting for you as well

I fucked my sister's ass when she was drunk.

They casually mentioned they would. I can't say if it is true or it was just deflection.

My chest hurts just thinking about asking. It would open a can of worms that I'm not sure either one of us could handle. But I want it so bad.

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breaking up with her was a mistake, im so lonely.

i was raised in a pretty rocky home. no stable father figure, single mother that worked a lot and still couldn't pay bills, when she came home all she did was scream and push us away. when my stepdad was around, he always seemingly cared about my sister more. No matter what she did, she always seemed to be the one that got all the help and could do no wrong. If she did ever undeniably fuck up, we were both punished, while if it was just me, id often get hit.

my grandparents and i we're very close, and the start of this year, i lost my grandfather, and my grandmother doesn't seem to be very far behind at this point, and im struggling to deal with that. i was a care giver for my grandfather for a while, and i don't regret it at all, but it fucked me up a bit in the head to see him just getting worse and worse. today i thought about him a lot, and the good memories i had with him when i was younger all came rushing back, and i cried. im holding back tears typing this.

independent of all this, i cant lock down a job due to generally shitty job market around here and the fact that i kept getting taken advantage of at my old one, so i just stopped showing up.

doubt you're the one I wrote about. he ghosted me, then blocked me everywhere

Id rather jump off a bridge than get my wisdom teeth removed

Nothing ventured, nothing gained. Just go for it. Unless there's a repercussion of physical harm or death, everything else is just noise.

I am lost, and I don't know what to do with my life after I get my degree in December, which isn't worth much since I had to switch to Liberal Arts. I don't know what I want to do for Master's, or even if I do want to do a Master's. What makes me happy is music, helping people, dancing, exercise, but I can't do anything with that stuff. Maybe Physical Therapy, but that would be so far away, and I'd get out at 28, and that's old as shit. I'm 23, and I feel like I'm wasting away.

Try porn if you're a girl.

Unfortunately, I am sure not.

I fucking can't stand people. My girlfriend texts me asking to cook tonight which is fine, but then she fucking freaks out and starts crying when I start asking her what she wants me to cook.

I need a fucking drink

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Lots of hugs to you from the feels and I'm very sorry for your loss. They say not to make any life changing decisions for a year after traumatic events such as what you've gone through recently. The fact that you are able to feel your grief rather than bottling them up says you are on a good path emotionally. There is nothing wrong with being vulnerable as it allows our heart to grow stronger.

All jobs suck and you'll find another one that will be a better fit for you. When the time is right and you are ready for it.

It's late. There's nothing I'd like to do. I don't know. I wish I was rich.

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I say to everybody that I don't care about love, but all that I want is someone to love.

w. t. f.

does she know? And again, w. t. f.

i feel like i cant wait any more. im already almost 25, and i have literally nothing. i have noting to show for any of my efforts, no real family to fall back on anymore, i really feel so alone and naked. i wasn't ready for any of this, yet here it all is.

Why is social ineptitude the one thing that I can not overcome? I have made efforts to combat this issue but still I'm just retarded when it comes to this. Isolation is painfull. I just want to die sometimes over it. I find myself hoping that I "accidently" happen to die. I do not go out of my way to make my death more likely but if I did suddenly have to die I would be 100% ok with it. I just wish I was born normal.

Go and the join the army, you’ll find purpose and a family that will always have your back. It will be a struggle physically and mentally to get there but it will make you a stronger person.

Take age out of the equation. 25 is young and you don't have to achieve anyone else's ideal of how or what you need to be at this age.

Quantify what you want to show for your efforts and go after it. Keep focused on achieving these things and it is utterly important to celebrate the wins, no matter how small or insignificant they seem. Because the sum of the little wins, leads to the major payoffs.

Maybe look into a grieving support group since they will understand what you are going through. There might even be someone who will end up as a pseudo-familial support you can rely on. Anytime you feel alone, you can come here where there are several people who will listen, understand, and try to help.

Don't let anyone make you feel unworthy no matter their relation in your life. The only people that matter are the ones who care about you and want you to be happy. These are the people you can rely on and trust they have your best interests at heart. Any one outside this circle, should only be a part of you that you learn from, such as establishing healthy relationship boundaries, identifying those who only want to use you, or what traits you don't want to emulate.

I recommend a really good poor-me session to just let out all of those negative energies, then start a new day with a take on the world attitude freshness. :)

>Check on chaturbate
>Banned from some channel I've never even heard of

Uh what?

I just want someone to tell me they're proud of me.

I am proud of you desu

Although I'm telling too many people that I'm proud of them it lost its meaning, shit

Just how bad is sleep deprivation for you?

Pretty bad. There are lots of important bodily processes that only happen while you're sleeping.

I am losing my love for you. You are broken, or you act in such a way that you wish you were. It hurts because I am getting confused by all that. I am hurt because I know what its like to really be broken and pull myself out. What do you want from me? Are you playing with me? Am I just a fucking toy to you? I feel you opening the cracks. Are you really in love with me? Or was I the only one that stupid to bite?

I am not enough for you and I don't think I ever will.
Fuck. This trip was a mistake. I likely saved you from killing yourself, but I am losing you.
I guess it's something.

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I’m attracted to this Venezuelan qt but she’s a young 20 something CUNY who strings me along for her benefit and not mine.

I mean, i talked with her about her problems and I empathized, i cheered her up, she cheered me up.
she told doesn't like me, I already knew this because I act like an autist, neither i would have been able to get in a relationship even if i had the chance.
The thing is, I think about her and all that stuff, I'm slowly overcoming it but It makes me realize how pathetic I am.
I wish I had balls, self respect and determination.

To say that men are evil, men are to be feared, men are garbage, men are this and that, basically being completely and unashamedly hateful of them... I know a few people who think this. I can't argue against it, especially since I AM a man, and yeah, men do a lot of fucked up stuff. You always hear about sexual assaults and harassment and creeps and stalkers and they're always men. So it's not unheard of.

But what genuinely baffles me is that someone could think that and yet proceed to date a man. I know a lot of people who do this. Like there's gotta be something I'm missing here. Is the man they date an exception? Can't be, right? We're all fucking evil apparently. Is he put in his place and subservient? Who knows. Did he somehow blackmail or abuse his way into a relationship? I hope not. By all means, these people who date men should either hate the man or hate themselves for falling for one because they hate men. Who knows, who cares, I still don't fucking get it.

It's a pretty popular mindset too. And I'm not gonna be all "oh and this is why I can't get a date", because I know it's not just that. I'm a very flawed person with many faults. But when you pair that with that popular mindset, well...
I'm dying alone. It's my fate that I have to accept.

Honestly I'm not sure how to feel since you left. Idk if I should be mad or sad or something other than just lost. I take different routes on campus in hopes I see you. It's been a little over a month and anytime something good or bad happens you're the first person I want to tell. I want to stop missing you and I want to stop loving you but at the same time I don't. I heard a song today that reminded me of us. Speaking of songs I played the one I wrote for you and it's so bitter Sweet. It's sad when I speak about us in the past tense no more "we're going to" or "we're doing great" it's all just "was". Honestly there's probably someone better for me even though we were great together but maybe it was the wrong time maybe we'll meet again. But until then I'm going to keep moving forward I'm not some empty shell without you but I do feel a little less complete

I'm past the point of pining after my ex. Now I'm just bored and lonely, and I miss companionship more than I miss her.

I met her on OKC, but I don't think that's an option for me again. Most girls in my area, on the site aren't my type. My ex was kind of a unicorn in that regard.

I've also never even tried to approach a girl in public. I'm not in too big of a rush to meet someone new, but I live alone for the first time and it'd be nice to have a gf in this situation

All of this "You've overstayed your welcome." and "You're too old to be here" and "You can't go back" horseshit.

You're trying to make it look like I had a decision in the fucking matter. Which, you fucking KNOW FOR A FACT I FUCKING DON'T. So why? Why be such fucking cunts about it? You can't keep some one a prisoner and then tell that prisoner "You need to get out of prison." And when they ask you "Well, you going to let me out?" you cant then say "lol no."

if you don't want me here then why the fuck do you put forth so much effort and resources to keep me here? Does that make ANY FUCKING SENSE AT FUCKING ALL?

I'm empty, I am terrible at this relationship thing.
Even with a significant other I feel so alone and depressed.
I don't really know what to do anymore.
Today I decided to go out and sit on a bench while listening to music, that's what I'm doing right now. There are so little if any people here, feels good.
I should be working my way to do things to improve the relationship to make it work, I doubt I'd succeed or that I'll ever make her happy. I just want to be on the bench. I'm so tired that I can barely think.
I don't know where this life is going, I don't want to know. Everything should be okay but it's not.
I almost killed myself a day before Christmas, have bunch ready to be used suicide notes saved up on my phone already. I wish I wasn't such a pussy, or if there were reliable means of getting a gun in my country
Well, At least I got my songs. They're nice.

Dude, 100% same here.
OKC was the shit back in the day. I met my super edgy, left-leaning yet very anti-SJW ex on there, which now looking at the majority of women on there seems stupidly rare. I did move since though, so it may be to do with that. But yeah, I was broken up about how that ended for a long time but honestly now I just miss having someone to cuddle and chat shit with.

Sometimes I feel like the Mother Nature herself doesn't want me to find a partner and breed.
>double uterus, double cervix AND double vagina (thankfully the latter is now gone)
>hymen had to be surgically removed because it was so thick it would make vaginal intercourse impossible
>one of the ovaries suffers from PCOS
>small tits
>no ass
>low libido my whole life
>long and painful periods (likely related to the double uterus thing)
Wouldn't surprise me if I was infertile at this point.

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I'm just going to see what real life throws at me. My now ex, my first gf was honestly at least a 7/10. Perfectly fit all my criteria in my ideal partner.

>Short (4'11")
>brunette
>Had a nice body (D-cup, nice hips)
>Classically pretty but also plain looking
>Goofy
>Played violin and artistic

I never thought I could pull a girl like her, but she actually liked me first on OKC. Makes me think of all the cute short brunettes I'm missing out on because I don't know how to approach a girl in real life.

You’ll probably be able to find a partner, science works wonders nowadays. Chin up.

Alright so I always got the shit beaten out of me in middle and high school, so I learned to be a wallflower. Being discreet and quiet is how I lived for the last 15 years, it was always in out get your shit done get out kinda thing. Stay quiet keep low only go out if necessary, so the question I have is why the fuck is everyone looking at me?
Seriously, I am freaking out, normally people wouldn't even look at me and now I see them look directly at me. Is there something on my face? I know I am ugly, but am I that ugly that it attracts attention? Is there something wrong with my clothing? Am I walking weirdly? Am I loudly mumbling to myself again?
What is it what is everyone looking at? please leave me alone

I would reach out to you but instead of reflecting on yourself you wallow around in self-pity and act bitter because people don't want to wait around for you to make up your mind and put up with your stupid shit all of the time.

So forget it. For fuck's sake. If you actually like me that much and want to talk to me, send me a line. If you're just lonely because you push everyone away and then get mad at them for getting sick of forcing themselves into your bubble, well, tough shit. I'm not your therapist.

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To be fair, I think going through life constantly thinking about "approaching" is probably a recipe for failure anyway. I try not to think about that shit, I mean I don't like it when strangers talk to me without any kind of framework/context so why should I expect I'd be any good at it or that it would be well recieved?

But I'm also not really sure what the avenues are for meeting new people, especially since I work in a totally male dominated field.

I'm moving to a much larger city soon so when I do I'm thinking about finding some meetup groups for my interests, which as far as female-friendly ones is mainly gonna be music or generic ones. I kinda like the idea of a book club too, but I don't think they have a particularly young crowd.

Thanks. It kind of bums me out sometimes, especially the low libido part. Judging from their stories and photos, my parents were the proverbial Chad and Stacy who married at 20 and fucked like rabbits well into their mid 40ties (they had 2 other kids when mother was 40 and 42 respectively). Meanwhile I don't feel physically attracted to 99% of men I know and would maybe consider sleeping with one (and only because of compatibile personalities, he's 3/10 looks wise). It feels like I'm letting my youth go to waste.

>To be fair, I think going through life constantly thinking about "approaching" is probably a recipe for failure anyway

I guess I've always just figured the way I'll meet my next SO, or future wife is by randomly seeing her somewhere and 'approaching' her. I'd like to think it'd be in a setting where I'd have something to talk about. Like a book store, or some music gathering. I do think joining a club is a good idea too and I hope it works out for you.

My ideal partner has always been one who can play violin. I play piano, and the idea of playing together is really sweet in my head. Luckily, I'm in university, so maybe I'll meet a girl like that along the way. But, I honestly care more about the girl being sweet and caring. Her hobbies beyond that probably won't matter to me that much.

>My ideal partner has always been one who can play violin. I play piano, and the idea of playing together is really sweet in my head.

That is pretty cool. I'm a guitarist myself and my ex played bass, so I definitely gravitate towards musical people as well. Although funnily enough I think the fact that she was just as music-obsessed as me ended up driving a massive wedge between us. Our tastes were very similar but just different enough that we got into this 'uncanny valley' territory and gradually we started noticing our differences more and more. Listening to music together became an exercise in picking apart the idiosyncrasies of each other's tastes and constantly judging and weighing ourselves up. Turns out music snobbery isn't good when you're both equally snobbish.

Anyways,

oops.

Anyways, being at university definitely is an advantage. I for one really wish I used my opportunities for pursuing relationships more while I was there.

I am turning 25
I still live at home
I try to do what I can for my family but I'm not doing the part that matters
Like getting a job
Like bringing in income
Like helping pay for anything
Like becoming independent
Im starting to come to terms with the fact that somewhere something went terribly wrong
And that I have a problem with facing the truth of things
I know things are worse than they seem and better than I make them seem. I just cant see what matters. And that kills me everyday.
Im starting to learn some things though, like how as a man, I have to hold all these problems in and figure out a way to deal with them and find a place for myself to be.
Im starting to see that I have to move out, not should, i HAVE to, and let my parents become 'that old couple on the street.'
I dont know why that terrifies me so god damn much. Part of me wants to just keep being a basket case so that they can just keep working and basically become invincible.
Im not ready to see my parents become grandparents. But time is moving every day. They are aging every day, especially now that they have hit 60. I see something different in their face everyday, something strange with their behavior too. Could be my imagination.
I am the eldest son, the youngest is 11.
I am an utter failure in many definitions.
Everyday I think of going over to the nearby shooting range, smiling to the clerk, renting out a benneli and immediately gargling it.
But theres also that feeling of it all just being not that important. My parents raised me as a typical eldest child so I might feel like a bloated sense of self importance, so when I fuck up like this, like being a NEET at 25 years old, it feels much worse than it should.
One day I will become ok with my parents being old. I will probably have income and all those things that make an adult an adult, sometime in the future. But I dont know if I will ever fill in their shoes.

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for some reason throughout my preteen years i got a fetish for diapers and girls wetting themselves. i fucking hate it and it's super weird. when i'm not horny i think it's disgusting so i've tried to stop looking at pics/videos. it makes me feel like im a sad fuck.

i'm not exactly an outcast either. i have friends and peers who think i'm just a regular guy. i just wish i was never into it in the first place.

I want to
li li li li li ck you from your
head
2
toe

Venezuelan here, don't take it personally. Most Venezuelan women are like that. It's not always so malicious or superficial, I just suppose that their love language is material. Venezuelan women love to look good and love to have that recognized with gifts and compliments. It doesn't have to be a constant thing, but she might get upset. The good news is that Venezuelans tend to get emotional and it's not such a big deal to us. Our anger is always something we see as fleeting and benign, so don't worry about it if she raises her voice or acts like a bitch. She might even cook for you. Who knows? My advice would be to give it a try if you really do like her. I know all Venezuelan men lose the light in their eyes after a couple years of marriage. It might just be a nice little fling.

There was always this one opportunity I regret not taking.

I went to a commuter's meeting thing before my freshman year started, and this cute blonde girl sat next to me. We didn't really talk at all before the organizer's started talking through the microphone. They gave everyone these little "get to know you" bingo cards. I thought we were going to use them to get to know the person next to us, but they told whoever fills it out the fastest gets some prizes.

The girl and I just used the bingo card to get to know each other, while most everyone else was rushing through it for prizes, and it was really pleasant. She seemed like she was interested in me, and I was definitely interested in her. But, I was too chicken to ask her number.

Still remember that green back pack with pink roses she had on.

>3/10 looks wise
>youth going to waste

Yeah.. wtf.. don’t say things like that.

Objects in space continue moving at the same velocity until they reach impact with an opposing force. The earth and other planets may have been created like this, with two asteroids or other cosmic debris colliding into each other, remaining stuck together, almost stationary depending on which asteroid met the other with more force and continuing slowly forward in that corellating direction. Other pieces may have crashed into that one solid rock, sticking more or sticking less. Some brought gold. Some brought water. But the creation of a planet, now teeming with billions of equivalent or non-equivalent lives, began with two objects traveling in opposite directions.

I wonder if all things are so balanced. I would like to believe they are. I don't believe in god, or others, or myself, so perhaps it would give me something to put my faith into. I don't want to be alive but I have obligations. If nothing else, the principles I've formed after viewing and reviewing many things and people and peoples' things in this shitty life will give me something to guide myself with.

I wondered if people I met were asteroids who were going to smash into me, and then we would be stuck together indefinitely, unable to help but create something bigger than us, and greater.

But I still feel like I'm drifting. And no matter how far out others seem to think they are, they still manage to bump into others; each other.

I wonder if I'm the only one out here. Maybe this is where the electrical current of my brain resides, and it keeps sending distress signals to my body from inside a black hole, telling me it's over, there's no recovery possible, and eventually I'll lose signal altogether. And then I will not be a satellite with poor reception, but a husk of flesh and bone and metal - iron - and calcium. And blood. Blood with iron.

I wonder if it's okay that the only thing I will ever be a part of is static. Do you mind? I'll stay out of the way, so...

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>keep trying to catch a gimpsle of my coworkers hand to see if he's married or not
>can't
reeee

haha gas yourself

Kissless virgin with asperger syndrome, closer to wizardhood than early 20s, no friends, and depressed as fuck. I have talked to plenty of girls both in real life and online, but they never lead up to anything. I have asked girls out few times, but I always get rejected. Oddly I never get rejected directly, more like "I'll think about it" and then they will never give me a response, meaning I have never been directly rejected. Like the sperg I am I took those replies as literally as possible, meaning I actually thought they needed to think about it. It really fucks up with my self-esteem when I'm anxiously waiting for a response that is never coming. I'm still "waiting" for a response from a girl I asked out in high school.

Have I really just been associating myself with wrong girls? What is wrong with me? I know I'm weird, but I wouldn't call myself creepy. Girls approach and talk to me, so I can't be all rotten.

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Fellow aspie here, look don't sweat it, vagina or a mouth doesn't feel quite as good as your own hand, I can promise.

And leading a healthy relationship is incredibly difficult man. You have no idea how hard it is, especially with our condition. I wish I was free like you right now, losing my virginity wasn't worth the pain. I'd rather be alone forever rather than to indulge myself in this never ending heart break.

I love you so much. I've seen you grown. I made you what you are today and you made me what I am. We were happy together. I miss the times you spent in my arms, the softness of your skin and the little uptick of my heart rate when you told me sweet nothings. Eating together on your bed. Fucking.

You wanted to go. It broke my heart. I should have never went to that fucking abroad studies, I should have stayed near you, because that's where I feel okay. Now I feel ressentment against you, against what you are becoming. I dont want to talk to you, to become one of those betas orbiters that we made fun of.

I'm gonna ignore you for a few months. Maybe we'll talk again when I come back. Maybe in September. Maybe you'll miss me, just like I miss you. Maybe we'll start again. I sure fucking hope so.

>be me
>grow up happy kid
>suddenly start getting bullied for no discernible reason
>this fucking sucks.psd
>genes are lucky as hell
>chad up
>start exercising
>body spreads out
>face loses baby fat
>girls are all over me
>guys stop bothering me
>realize people just naturally assume im part of the popular crew now
>baffled as i am now autistic and filled with spite from the bullying
>parents always taught me to ahve an open heart
>disney movies taught me to be a good person and forgive
>try to do that
>dont realize that i am actually so fucking hurt from the bullying that I am not capable of true forgiveness at that moment
>be stupid and just decide to count blessings
>start taking advantage of women
>talk out of my ass
>get in girls pants in college
>horrible relationships with the ones I dated
>turns out I have some deep seated issues and a chip on my shoulder
>nobody can relate because they think my life is perfect
>mind gets worn down
>graduate college
>ditch aspirations
>go home
>be a neet
>by nature of my living situation I cant realistically keep in touch with girls
>still manage to bring some home now and then and bang them
>slowly see the light
>see the mistake i made in high school of just assuming my problems were over when puberty kicked in
>actually do not give a fucking god damn about female attention
>never did
>see that im somewhat gynophobic
>just chased women and aspired to be the chad that they saw to make sure the pain never came again
>fuck that shit
>fuck women
>fuck being a 'man'
>fuck those bullies
>fuck the past
>regret all that energy wasted on being someone i thought i had to be

>hear about female on male rape (reverse rape)
>at first amused by the idea
>but it sticks
>wonder why it sticks
>oh
>i pursued those women thinking it was my choice, my exertion of my will
>no such evidence
>more evidence that I was just throwing my body away at anybody that showed interest
>willingly letting myself get used
>hoping someone wants to use me for life
God damn.
>also
>suddenly remember weird dream I had when I was 11
>just starting out puberty
>was lying in bed thinking I was asleep
>suddenly someone crawls through my window
>its this wrinkled, pale, crackhead looking lady with droopy ass tits and a sad pancake ass
>she eyes me with lust and crawls towards me
>cant fight her
>she just embraces me, kisses me, inserts my hard penis in her vagina
>wake up
>realize I had a wet dream
Who knew this was a prophecy about my true feelings about women and sex

Looking back on it all, I was a liar. And I always knew about you running around. I was patient towards the bitter end. I knew your patterns because once upon a time, I too made those same movements. I hope the guilt you may feel can resolve itself of its naggin voice in the background of how you cheated yourself out of trust. My biggest lie was I loved you because I knew the moment my excitement or fatuation with you ceased, you did something. But I was patient then, and now I’m just a tumbleweed drifting along the desert until I find a pond.

Shit.

Well, when you go
So never think, I'll make you try to stay
And maybe when you get back
I'll be off to find another way

Well, after all this time that you still owe
You're still a good-for-nothing I don't know
So take your gloves and get out
Better get out
While you can

When you go
Would you even turn to say,
"I don't love you
Like I did
Yesterday."

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user these posts are lovely and so very poignant to me right now.

I have no clue what i'm supposed to do
About a year from now i'll be working on a master's degree, but given that one of my life's goal is "never be employed", i'm not sure what to do after that
i want to study in japan, but i have no clue how, nor what merits are needed. I've been grinding japanese every day for almost a year, and before that i did a bit of grinding, but not a whole lot

i know it's first-world-probelmy as fuck, but
I want to create ar- no, i don't want to create artificial intelligence. I want to artificially create genuine intelligence. I want to make waifus real, i want to make this world not shit
but, wtf do i do?