how much say should my partner have with my finances? we've lived together 3 years now
>moved country 8 months ago which brought us down to nothing
>we both got new jobs fair quickly, her at 3 weeks and me at 6
>been working since
>hadn't had a desktop in nearly 8 years so I ended up building one (talking to her about it and costs the entire time)
>cost $3.5k total
>had it 4 months during which time made me realise my priorities had changed and I wasn't really into games anymore. I also regretted not having more saved
>sold it for $3k
>now have $4.5k savings, about 50% of all my earnings despite rent and food etc
>only saved this much because I don't go out, don't have friends, don't really do anything but work, watch films and read
>decide that I should set myself a limit for spending on an item - I must be able to afford 5 to buy 1
>been reading about watches for months and getting very interested in their mechanics and artistry
>found one I loved but couldn't afford ($1200)
>talked to her about it but didn't go into detail because she showed no interest whatsoever
>late night I got an offer for it (company based in UK) while she was sleeping
>brand new but was used for photos so they'll sell it for $700
>I had just gotten my paycheck so I could buy it at that price without even touching my savings or the money from sold PC
>bought it
>tell her about it the following morning including cost
>she absolutely flips her lid and says it was selfish and irresponsible
>says its a luxury item not a necessity and argues utility
>I try to explain that I have been working hard in a job I hate with very little motivation or distraction and that I feel I deserve to treat myself a little
>she's having none of it and wants me to refund it
>says I bought it behind her back
>it arrived now and she said if I keep it it will be a reminder of that event whenever she sees it
>I apologised both times for not communicating better but that I feel I had good reason
am I in the wrong here?
How much say should my partner have with my finances? we've lived together 3 years now
both of you are.
can you please elaborate?
She sounds crazy dude what the fuck
Pro-fucking-tip guys, flipping out at your partner? Good way to out your BPD.
While you should definitely have gone over it in more detail and I won't deny that she's a fucking sperg if she thinks she should be flipping out.
You went about it the wrong way but didn't really DO anything wrong; she, on the other hand sounds like she's got more than one watch-related issue with the relationship.
>we moved
I don't mean to gaslight you but it could be that lashing out over a watch you bought with your own money is a sign of something more at work.
In any case at all you two need to sit down and talk about it.
I'm a watch guy, but buying something for $700 without telling your partner is pretty fucked.
like I said, I did try to talk to her about it. she's also insisted I get a new laptop ($1500-2000) even though my old one is still running so I don't understand her sudden concern for spending
You can bet your ass she’s going to get that 2k laptop now. Just return the watch and save the hassle brother. I’m sorry you’re with a selfish woman
I feel like its just brought up every other issue in the relationship and our (lack of) compatibility, but i'd feel like a cunt now talking about ending it over a damn item
Then don’t. Tell her your reasoning for returning it. And if she really wants a laptop she’ll be adamant about it. No one needs 1500+ laptop. I built a pc like you too recently and ended up realizing I don’t game or do shit like that anymore. You have options and cash so you’ll be fine. Everything you’ve said here so far you should definitely bring up over a talk. And if she’s still being a cunt then take a hard look at the relationship.
I've tried twice since it happened to have a sit down and talk, but she just gets extremely emotional about everything. She's depressed and diagnosed with anxiety so I try to be very patient and tolerant but I really feel like I'm at my limit. I used to think she was being unreasonable about many things but would usually turn around when she's "sober", but nowadays I just feel like I'm the bad guy 24/7. She's even self harmed and threatened to kill herself and I've spent hours restraining/comforting her on many occasions. She was so bad last time I almost called the ambulance/cops because I was at a loss and didn't know what to do. I know the moment I say anything that suggests breaking up that she will threaten to kill herself again. I feel trapped but I don't want her to end up in a padded cell. She needs help but every professional I've taken her to (she does accept that she needs help) has been fucking useless. Sorry for going complete off course from the original subject but that's what is in the background.
I mean thats an expensive watched (1.2k including your pc losses) but i mean it doesnt matter too much.
On that note youre retarded for buying luxury items with such little savings. Ive got 22k saved and i woulsnt dare drop that much on a luxury item, especially with your housing situation.
Also i would have woken them up to discuss it, and would expect them to do the same if it was time critical
Why’d you move in with her in the first place? You fuck crazy not move in together. Well you’re learning some hard lessons my man. Start planning your exit and try not to leave her hanging with the burden of the place you guys got together. If it takes months then so be it.
It was a week night and she was exhausted and stressed from work so I didn't want to disturb her, but yeah I should have waited till the morning. Also I realise it seems a lot now, but its money that I have in the first place because I've spent nothing else. My coworkers spend $100-150/week just eating out and getting weekend drinks etc, but I've forgone having a life at all to get some savings. I really felt like having the watch would be a small set back but a long term reminder to keep going.
Finances and visa. The city is very expensive and rent alone would be 50-60% of our individual income. Living together makes it manageable enough to save. Also, the first 2 years I was on my own work visa, but since then I've been on partnership. Leaving her also means leaving the country within a month
>Pro-fucking-tip guys, flipping out at your partner? Good way to out your BPD.
??? then 90% of america has bpd. arguments are common in relationships especially when it comes to finances
stop trivalizing actual bpd autist
Where are you from? Keep saving and plant your exit if you don’t really love her. Having a relationship like that will take its toll on you. You don’t really have many options.
go away BPD tumblrite, no one will ever love you
I do love her, but I am really getting to a breaking point where her stress and depression is spilling over onto me. I'm originally from Jersey (channel islands) so there's fuck all for me to go back to, but I could try and settle in the UK somewhere.
she's crazy
>how much say should my partner have with my finances?
absolutely none
>I apologised both times fo
it is too late for redemption
I would not spend more than 80 usd on a watch, anymore is frivilous pointless spending. But her flipping out wasnt the right way to go about it either.
And I wouldn't spend more than $100 on a phone. That's pretty useless and subjective
You should really agree about how your finances are going to work before living together.
how do people usually go about it though? This is my first time living with someone else and aside from rent, bills and holidays we always just treated our income as separate but available to support the other if needed
That's fine (and pretty close to what my wife and I do) but you really need to agree on it in advance so you both know what to expect from each other. Sit down with her as soon as is convenient and come to a mutual understanding as to who is responsible for which costs (or portion thereof) and how anything left over is treated. It's awkward but just frame it as wanting to avoid pissing her off again.
Okay user, thanks for the advice. I'll try do that after work today and also agree on a fixed % for savings or something
In my opinion, it's your fucking money and as long as you pay your share of rent good mortgage etc then tell her to piss off. Alao spending 700 on a watch is autistic and you have a very consumeristic mindset