So my gf will be going to school on the west coast for her PhD, and I live on the east coast (we met here on the east coast when she was going to school here). To avoid a lot of backstory, we have been in an LDR for around 11 months, during which time I have flown out to visit her twice (she’s literally on the other side of the world). The plan has been that I will get a remote job within my company that will allow me to relocate to the west coast.
So to get to the problem, I find out the other day that she was planning on getting a 2 bedroom apartment with a roommate and I wouldn’t be able to live with her. Naturally, I was furious, because I’m not going to uproot my entire life and live alone without friends or family so that my gf can live with a complete stranger. Her excuse was that I should have told her sooner, and “how was I supposed to know what you are thinking”. Is this a lame excuse that shows she has no consideration for me? I mean shouldn’t it be obvious? She also said some like “we both might want our space”, but hasn’t 11 months of LDR been space enough?
After some deliberation we decided that she would change her housing to allow us to live together once my job situation is certain. She then went on to say she would not split the rent with me (I would pay everything) because something like “I don’t split the rent when living with my bf”. I know this isn’t a financial issue for her as she could pay for the 2 bedroom apartment herself, so this is rather a matter of principles for her. Does this seem improper on her part? I know I’m not going to be giving her a free ride like this, so this would be a dealbreaker for me. I just wanted to get some outside perspectives and see if I’m looking at all of this the wrong way, so thanks for the help!
I guess it could be worth mentioning that she’s from another country, so maybe it’s a cultural thing or something?
Evan Bell
She sounds like a money-grabbing thot. Dump the bitch.
Austin Reyes
>Is this a lame excuse that shows she has no consideration for me? Yes.
> I mean shouldn’t it be obvious? Yes.
>She also said some like “we both might want our space” Shes not interested in a committed relationship with you. Move on before you waste time and money on her.
Hudson Howard
Definitely reevaluate the repationship. I would ditch her and find someone who doesn't make you want to post on the advice board. You're already ldr. So it's be easy as hell to break it off. She's probably considering the same thing honestly.
Aiden Peterson
I mean it sounds like you're leaving details out, because at first you say the plan was for you to move out there soon, and then you say she had no idea, so clearly at least one of you are wrong there. Additionally, you sound like you basically "forced" her (for lack of a better word) to room with you. I'm honestly not totally against her wanting you to pay total rent given the fact that she isn't "allowed" to room with her friend anymore, so technically it wouldn't be the worst thing for you to pay rent for both of you given that you are the reason for her living situation to change. Overall, you both need to work on your communication skills, they suck.
Thomas Ross
I appreciate the direct answers. It’s all starting to become clear to me now. It just sucks because she was different than any girl I’ve ever met in my life, but this can be a double edged sword sometimes (like this cold behavior from her). I also took her virginity (and she mine)
Hunter Gutierrez
I meant she said she had no idea that I want to live together with her. And it wouldn’t have been rooming with a friend, but rather a complete stranger (presumably also female I hope). And I agree, the communication does suck on both ends and I have been trying to fix it
Robert Nelson
Yeah when I think about it, I won’t be crushed in any sense of the word by one of us ending it. I’m just a little hesitant because of some things I mentioned here:
Hudson Lopez
How long were you a couple before the ldr started? Was there a concrete plan of her moving back east or you moving west. Sounds like you working out of a remote office was something you came up with on the fly.
Jaxson Morris
Ok so ever heard of suicide by cop? If not look it up.
Thats what this is. She is trying to get you to break up and move on because she is too weak to.
Also. Don’t sacrifice your happiness and life for another person, this is your one and only life. Don’t waste it on some person that obviously doesnt care about you.
Worst case she has a man on the side already and just wishes you would disappear.
I believe that the reason long distance relationships do not work is because women require physical touch to feel valued and loved. They will find it one way or another.
Dump her, and go find happiness, you’ll thank of me later, and I’ll be smiling with you wherever you are.
Lol, not op but this made me smile and laugh pretty hard. THIS is sound advice.
Landon Mitchell
Virginity isn't as sacred as it used to be. My first wife took mine and honestly I wish she'd burn in hell for the things she did to me. Virginity isn't the be all end all. No one waits until marriage anymore, and it's common to have multiple sexual partners before you find, "the one", due to how social media is these days. Find someone that makes you feel whole, through the good and bad times. Don't give into the facade of a perfect relationship. It truly doesn't exist.
I had to go through 9 years of a toxic relationship and even had a daughter with this girl, to really find out what I wanted in a girl. Luckily I found one and we live together now. Still having some hiccups as every relationship does, but it's better than I could have imagined after getting a warped image of females from my exwife.
Tldr: virginity is useless
Benjamin Watson
Had a grill good luck with your rostie
Noah Jackson
And there is no magical way to know who is "the one". You can be in a relationship where both of you are madly in love, want nothing but each other forever, get married, and in a few years end up getting divorced.
David Rivera
We were only dating for 2 weeks before making it official. It was so rushed because she was leaving the country and we wanted to make it a committed relationship before that happened. It was originally only supposed to be for 6 months (which seemed reasonable at the time), but has since turned into 11 months, and will be even longer because she can’t return here until August because of Visa limitations. And yeah it was a spur or the moment type thing for all of this, because she was supposed to go to school on the east coast but only got into school on the west coast. I’ve been very patient/accommodating during all of this and was prepared to make a big sacrifice by uprooting my life, but apparently she doesn’t even think about this...
Jayden Perry
Sounds like you both were just afraid of being alone at the time. Terrible thing to use as the glue of a relationship.
Carson Wood
I’ve heard of that phrase and I know what you mean. This is good advice and something I’ve been thinking about, so thank you for that and the kind words, user
Xavier Long
Thanks for the advice. I agree I need to get away from these ideals of a perfect relationship and all that. I think all of this helped me gain some confidence and experience, so it’s not all bad
Mason Murphy
That’s probably true. There are things I really do like about her as I feel like I can be myself around her and not pretend to be what I’m not, but the bad is really starting to outweigh the good when doing a cost-benefit analysis
Tyler Edwards
It sounds like she's done with you man That entire second paragraph was just like a diatribe on her attitude I'd be highly shocked if she hasn't fooled/isn't fooling around with this person she's moving in with
Jacob Cooper
Her not paying her half of rent is unacceptable. Don't let her walk all over you like that. Doesn't matter where she is from - a free-loader is a free-loader.
Wyatt Cruz
The person she would be roommates with would be a complete stranger and likely another girl. And I really don’t think she has cheated on me yet
Jack Miller
I know. I am going to lay down the law and refuse to not pay for all of the rent, and if she doesn’t back down then I will end it right then and there. Her just going ahead with rooming that didn’t make accommodations for me will always be a black mark upon her though, and one that I won’t soon forget if things do go on
Josiah Myers
if her phd is in something dumb, move on she sounds like a cunt
Blake Turner
It’s in the humanities so yeah, dumb
David Sullivan
Ahahahahahahahah she's been cuckolding you for 11 months.
Brayden Nelson
T H O T H O T
Landon Rivera
jesus christ the self righteousness. you know her life will go on either way, right?. it will probably be pretty sweet, actually.
Dylan Wood
That second paragraph tells me she has not only cheated on you and in other relationships, but will not learn a single thing if she does cheat here and ruin this-- not only that, even, but she's probably a justified cheater... kind who says "I'm cheating because of him, it's his fault."
Not to gaslight you but see what her response is to the idea that your relationship is rocky-- if the response is anything but concern or genuine confusion, you come on back here with it and we'll see what we're working with
Daniel Hill
The last sentence was pretty high winded in hindsight. Regardless, I’m going to tell her like it is and if she doesn’t accept it then I’m out, and not a single tear will be shed
Isaac Nguyen
It’s hard to articulate, but I know what kind of person she is and know she wouldn’t cheat on me. I know if she was unhappy she would have just moved on already. The whole issue with her really is how inconsiderate she is being of the sacrifices I would be making, and her warped view of how the guy should pay for everything, even if she is making her own money. I’m going to confront her on this last point, and if we can’t come to terms then I’m moving on. Simple as that. I just wanted to get outside opinions on if I’m in the right here
Isaac Barnes
Then you're not really in love my friend. You just keep her around because you want to fuck the girl who took your virginity and not to feel so lonely. This relationship has ran its course and youre lucky you didn't get into any serious commitments. By the way you talk it shows you still have a lot to learn about relationships.
Zachary Wright
Meh, she may have just made a planning mistake when she chose to room with somebody else. She can always move out of that apartment and into a new one with you. Hopefully she realizes this and apologizes for not planning with you.
Nicholas Cooper
It’s true that I’m inexperienced in relationships (that’s why I’m here), and it’s also true I don’t love her. I thought I would eventually love her over time, and more importantly, when we’re actually living close to each other (at least in the same country/state)
Isaac Ross
>and not a single tear will be shed you're still doing it. this is obviously just a fake pomp to defend yourself.
try being assertive without setting ultimatums and shooting yourself in the foot.
it seems to me like men are more replaceable in sexual relationships than females, so I was only trying to give you advice when I called you replaceable to her. your being too timid to stand up for yourself and then too big for your britches once you get hurt is not going to work well for you in life.
if she cheated on you or something like that, then by all means create an ultimatum, but this seems like a mere misunderstanding that is getting blown out of proportion.
disclaimer: I only read your OP, not the entire thread.
Cooper Adams
That's what I'm saying mane, she sounds like the kinda chick who sells an image and gets the buyer to commit to it, no matter what; I had a girlfriend who did this, and she always acted lucid and deep-thinking around me but when it came time to pony up to action, she somehow never delivered on these supposed traits
Again not to gaslight you-- I'm just lining up the sudden inconsideration to the image you have here, and I mean-- LDR relationship doesn't want to close the distance. Yeah I dunno mate. Prefer a stranger over you? In this day and age? It just sounds like one of two things is happening here-- the stranger is more valuable than you are, or you represent some kind of cost she does not wish to risk/undertake
That's my view of it. Something is wrong; this is not just some attitude or stance on a one-off. This represents some long-standing belief-- and if it's not that you stand to find out about someone or that someone is more valuable than you would be, then it has to be that you being that close presents some sort of problem... and the question becomes when has that not been the case?
Jonathan Hill
She is trying to use this as an excuse to break up with OP. Shes a sweet girl now, but she wants to become a slut. Which is why she's moving to the west coast
Christian Davis
>she sounds like my ex girlfriend, OP p r o j e c t i o n
Benjamin Evans
I appreciate your analysis. I agree it’s hyperbole on my part and a bit of anger in these things I’m saying. But I’m not going to be timid when giving her my perspective on this matter. I’ve never let her walk over me on anything. This is something I’m simply not going to budge on
Hunter Torres
Lmao found the woman in the thread.
Kevin Edwards
No shit, I got an anecdote to relate and I'm gonna put it out there Not like I called him a nigger for disagreeing, just want him to know a snake never calls itself a snake, y'know? Bitch played me until I flat ghosted her. Players never change and they never stop playing.
Isaac Miller
I definitely agree that the not wanting to close the distance part is sketchy. She says she is “conservative” and has shown this in ways like it took her some convincing for us to sleep in the same bed when I visited her the first time and to take her virginity the next time I visited, so maybe she is hesitant about officially living with a guy, idk
Adrian Howard
good. just keep dialing it down until you're not making ultimatums and screwing your future self over.
maybe read one of those therapy packet things about "how to disagree with intimates"
Ethan Torres
That user might be projecting a bit, but he's hitting on something. I had a gf I broke up with under almost the same circumstances, just not an LDR.
OP is looking for a life partner. It should be obvious that these two people are going to live together.
She is looking for...well, something else. Maybe not even a BF really.
Brayden Jones
This is why I relate my ex, see-- she always said she liked to deliberate and think things through and be cautious but as soon as **I** did any of this I was public enemy number one. Up to me deciding that a jobless city eight hours away from my home town was not the greatest place to just up and move to, and how that became a point of contention. Opposite issue but the question stands.
If she's conservative, why a stranger over you? You two could split the rent and the bedrooms, fine. If things turn out great you move into one bedroom and split rent three ways? I dunno man. Denying you over a stranger as a woman seems like a real strange move for someone who's conservative.
Lincoln Johnson
Again, I appreciate the advice. I know I can be hotheaded so I need reminders to cool it sometimes and come off as less aggressive
Ethan Jenkins
1. Don't move. 2. Break it off.
Ryan Jackson
Honestly OP, are you ugly or something? As long as you arent ugly and are okay socially, I'd say just break up with this girl now before you get too much more invested. It sounds like that's where its going anyways. You obviously want someone to spend your life with, and right now, it sounds like her focus is living an exciting social life. Its really not a good match and it wont last long, and you will end up feeling like the bad guy. I will bet a years pay on it right now.
Plus, if you play it right, you will still be able to fuck her when she comes through town. I challenge anyone ITT to prove anything I've said wrong.
Camden Flores
This all checks outs.
Break up with her and rip off the band-aid, it's gonna happen anyway.
Landon Adams
thanks. I have ruined or at least tarnished all of my relationships by getting my sensitive spots hurt and then blowing up at people.
I dated a very smart woman once and she said I had difficulties asking to get my needs met, so maybe there's a correlation there.
well, ugly is mostly a way of being - poor health, socially oblivious fashion...if you think everything boils down to how a person's skeleton is then that is wrong.
Dominic Wright
You’re starting to scare me with these parallels, user. But the stranger would almost definitely be a girl and I don’t think she has any lesbian tendencies. And we already agreed now on living together (once my job situation is certain), but the problem there is she refuses to pay rent if we’re living together, which goes back to the whole faux-conservative thing
Jackson Thomas
> “I don’t split the rent when living with my bf”
I wonder how you could have had a genuine relationship with a person like this. I mean she sounds sassy and stupid, how do you form really deep meaningful connections with a person like that?
Gavin Fisher
>fashion etc
Thats not true. Some people will look ugly in anything. And theres some people who look hot af in a loin cloth. However, you are right that most of us are in the middle and taking care of yourself goes far. So I assume you are of reasonable attractiveness, and you seem well adjusted enough from what you've said so far. That means as long as you are making decent money, you have good odds of meeting someone else.
Aiden Perry
>I would ditch her and find someone who doesn't make you want to post on the advice board.
I’m not ugly (at least everyone I’ve ever been with has said I’m good lookin, random chicks on the internet etc) and I’m healthy and in good shape. I’ve actually improved a lot socially throughout my past two relationships (including this one) and gained confidence from losing my virginity so I know I will be in an even better position once I leave this relationship. To be honest I don’t know why I’m so hesitant to break up with her and started this thread, I guess it’s the fear of being single again (the fear of the unknown) which is obviously something I need to get over
Jace Gonzalez
If what you said is true, then you'll not spend much time single unless you want to.
Dylan Campbell
thank you, I'm sure you have good odds as well.
I used to be obsessed with appearance, to the point I projected that obsession onto the entire world. beyond chicks who read Cosmo and all that, I just don't see looks as being the first and last thing to think about in life.
Lucas Morris
She’s actually a smart girl and challenges me intellectually, which I like. She just has some like 1800s-tier perspective on male-female relationships where women are still housewives except she wants to be a career woman (actually a scholar)
Robert Barnes
see, not trying to hound you or anything, but OP could be in an infinite number of situations that make finding a girlfriend difficult. not everything boils down to looks.
Charles Clark
Read the thread fag. I said hes:
*reasonably* attractive Well socially adjusted Financially stable
It was only one part of 3 things. Im just saying he meets the minimum thresholds for not being a broke ugly autistic fag
Camden Ross
ok. im going to stop offering you insight that you don't want
Tyler Kelly
Nigga, he has a high probability. Its odds. I'm not saying hes gonna get his new waifu tomorrow...Im just saying he has better odds than someone like you who doesnt understand statistics.
Im just trying to explain to OP that him meeting this girl wasn't a miracle. He met a certain amount of needs said girl had. Women arent that different, and neither are men. Odds are, he will get another GF at some point in his life.
His current GF is an LDR who is trying to make him moving to the west coast to be with her harder. Maybe for justifiable reasons, but obviously their interests dont align, and living situation is a pretty fucking big deal. So thats your alternative. So yes, you can stop offering your "insight" any time please.
Blake Murphy
Honestly I would just leave the relationship even if she decides to pay. If she has this mentality about rent now, what about other things? Will you convincing her on this point alter her philosophy in its entirety?
What if you guys have kids, and get divorced? She seems like the type that might have no trouble fucking you over there, because to her 'the man must always pay'. Or what about medical expenses? Mortgage? Your time?
Parker Reed
meeting the girl might have been a freak thing if he lacks confidence. the guys I see consistently with attractive women or marrying attractive women usually have confidence.
Joseph Reyes
Fuck off with your confidence loser. No one even knows what that word means anyways. Confidence is what you to when you're pretending to be brave. Op sounds like a man and doesnt need you fagging the place up with your alpha beta shit.
Carson Morales
you're a pretty disturbed personality and I'm sorry for whatever happened to you
Christopher Lee
Jow Forums. Jow Forums happened to me. Dont worry, itll happen to you too. "You're here forever" isnt a meme.
Brody Williams
I've been here for 10 years and all I needed to get over that appearance stuff was a blowjob
have you been blown recently?
Aaron Mitchell
Lmao your really stuck on the image thing. I was just asking OP if he had like burn marks on his face or something really hard to not stare at. Chill.
Camden Cox
>just keep dialing it down until you're not making ultimatums and screwing your future self over
The ultimatum isn't over getting a place without him, the ultimatum is about not splitting rent. It's completely reasonable to pitch an ultimatum over something like that. From ,
>If she has this mentality about rent now, what about other things? Will you convincing her on this point alter her philosophy in its entirety? What if you guys have kids, and get divorced? She seems like the type that might have no trouble fucking you over there, because to her 'the man must always pay'. Or what about medical expenses? Mortgage? Your time?
Healthy relationships do not involve conversations about such basic things as supporting each other.
Dominic Miller
Oh man, nah she’s a fucking bitch. She’s trying to secure conservative-tier sexual dynamics (men have to pay MY rent, structure their life around ME, etc.) but at the same time wants the good parts of more modern relationships (I get to be just as busy if not more than my s/o, I don’t have to maintain the home, I get to be financially independent, etc.). She wants the best of both worlds,but none of the sacrifices of either side. All the while she’s pursuing a PhD in humanities? OP is your gf a fucking roastie women’s studies professor? Drop this bitch right now. You dont get to do both.
Eli Phillips
You care way more about her than she cares about you. Glass the bitch. >(actually a scholar) [GLASS]
Look, dude, this is at the very best a "first wife" situation. Get out now. I can't believe how huge of a bullet you are dodging here, or how huge of a dumbass you might be if you still stick your cock in this bear trap.
Camden Thomas
>you actually go through the move and pay for everything thing >she breaks up with you in a week as she was already planning to, losing nothing and leaving you stranded Bro...
Jayden Watson
Hello, where does she live currently? Are you so sure about her monetary situation. 2 bedroom house with splited rent with stranger(?) is actually 1 bedroom house, if not room.
Humans from another country can make them selves more independent than they actually are and try to hide unwell monetary or social status.
Ayden Miller
>“I don’t split the rent when living with my bf” That statement is crazy on her part, IF you were living together then of course you should split the rent. But I think the real issue is that she's not ready to move in with you at all, and she kinda tried to tell you that up-front. If I'm understanding you correctly, you've only met/visited face-to-face twice. It's a bit of a transition to turn an LDR into "real" dating, and signing a lease together the MOMENT you can be together is kind of a terrible idea.
I think it'd be a better idea to live separately for a while and just let the relationship develop naturally once you're living close enough to see each other regularly. You're rushing it and it's gonna put a lot of strain on the relationship
