I'm a fuck up

I'm a 18 year old female
And I'm severely depressed due to abuse,bullying,failed relationships and sexual abuse when I was young I have bpd, I've tried to fix this by
>seeing therapists, I've seen about 9 in my life so from 11-18
>seeing a life coach soon
>I've tried a lot of medication
>changed my diet (low fodmap)
>tried hobbies
>tried exercise
>I had a bf, (I'm still a virgin lol) but he broke up with me because of my mental health and other stuff
>I still go to school
>I have like 2 irl friends
>tried being more spiritual meditation

Idk I'm just so fucking done with life, like my one friend is trying to cheer me up but it ends up just pissing me off because he's saying shit like " I believe in you!" " want a virtual hug ?" It's like fuck off dude I don't fucking care anymore I'm a fuck up leave me alone.

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Honestly it sounds like the reason is you. In your post, all of the causes of depression you listed are external. If you victimize yourself nothing will ever improve. I'm sorry.

Well it's hard not to be depressed when everything in my life is pretty much fucked
>I'm ugly
>I like video games and anime
>no guy wants me
>I have hardly any friends
I fucking hate living dude.

I'm pretty sure this is a maturity issue. Those problems are excuses.

How so? I mean I've been depressed for quite awhile and people did a lot of nasty shit to me.

Well, what does a happy life look like to you?

For me it's to have a husband and kids, to be recognisable in my art and to feel more happier. I understand the notion " you have to love yourself before anyone can love you" but I just can't, how can I? When everyone that I knew hated me. How can a man love me for me when I'm ugly, nerdy and not normal?

Look, loving yourself is a bullshit feel good concept. I don't know anybody worth their salt who loves themselves. They just live.

Anyway, the path forward is simple (albeit not easy, it never is). Ignore what others have done to you and focus on what you want. Take tangible steps to date and find a suitable partner, and to improve your art with regular practice. Happiness doesn't come from having what you think you want but instead from working for and achieving your desires. That is internal. Nothing anybody has done it will do can stop you. They may place obstacles in your path but they cannot stop you.

As a follow up, I would say unfortunately that your prognosis is poor if you do indeed have bpd. My ex had it herself, and was alternatingly ecstatic as lovely and moribund and cruel. A stable life and partnership cannot often survive this. Your work will be cut out for you. I can only say from my extensive experience with someone with the disorder that you should not listen to your emotions because they are often inappropriate for the situation at hand and will crush your relationships.

Yeah I guess so but I feel like no guy will ever love me because I'm really nerdy and I look sorta nerdy too. And I feel like I'm running out of time

I dont't see whats so fucked up about your life. If that's your excuses, because you're ugly? Likes video games and anime? I mean, come on.
There's alot of guys that would do anything to have a girlfriend playing videogames and watch anime.

You're just too stubborn to make any new friends. You have already decided your yourself your life is shit. The problem is you.

When you're in college you will have no shortage of men who are into exactly that

Yeah I think a lot of instability stems from bpd, I really want to improve but it's hard. I'll try my best to manage my emotions

I've been physically abused by my family, bullied and sexually abused when I was younger as I stated. Sorry if I didn't make that apparent but those are the causes

And I feel
>ugly
>weird
And not normal because of the things I have been through. I've tried to move past it but it haunts me subconsciously
And if that where the case, why did people bully me for that in high school. To the extent of death threats and making videos of me in class on my laptop and posting it online. They spread rumours that I masterbate in class because I like anime so that means I like hentai too ( which I do like hentai but I'd never do that in class) and that's not even the last of it

So that's why you chose to let your life go to shits? People just don't forget trauma like that, they work on it. That trauma does not define who you are and your life. If you want to make your life a shitty place, you're already there. Are you trying to get back at your family, to make them feel guilty because this is what you ended up like?

Because they're insecure teenagers. College is different

I've forgiven my dad,mum,auntie I don't speak to my uncle anymore. And how dare you say I'm not working on it, I've tried EVERYTHING to be more happier. And yet I still feel worthless. It's not my fault I'm like this. Have you ever been through a mental illnesss? Because you seem really ignorant And idk if I'll even get into college, hopefully I will get into my illustration course.

>why did people bully me for that in high school

Because most people act like dumb faggots in high school because they're immature. College is full of people that like anime and vidya and all that shit and if you're worried about your appearance you can always work on it. But also your dating pool gets much larger the older you get

Sorry OP, but I don't think Jow Forums is the place to look for advice.

A lot of people are going to shit all over you just because you're a woman and try to make you at fault

This.
I think resources for people with BPD would be more helpful also.

>I'm a fuck up leave me alone.
Ok, have a good day

Except that hasn't actually happened in this thread, so maybe don't project?

Also, in this case saying she's not at fault is dishonest. The most sound advice anyone can give is to take control of your problems, despite what has happened to you. Anything less is to sell her short and continue the cycle of self-victimization.

Sounds like you have situational depression(possibly real depression, not that the other one isn't real though). How do you know you have bipolar disorder? do you have manic episodes? how long do they last? how severe are they?

You could just be some one that is high in the characteristic of neuroticism and has depression.

The girl is saying she is trying her best (goes to therapy etc) and yet people are literally saying her past experiences are excuses.

I agree, of course she needs to take control of her life and self-victimisation doesn't help, but neither does saying, "oh you don't have any real issues lol get a grip" help

Pretty sure the guy who says he believes in you wants to bone.

Having gone to numerous therapists over the course of my life, I can safely say that showing up to a therapy session is easy. It's even easier to say "I'm trying!" after doing so.

Making the changes that your therapist suggests and works with you on is excruciatingly difficult, but it's also the only way to improve your situation. Anything less is self-deception.

BPD causes problems for other people. Usually you'd be at your worst at the centre of a web of drama, but if you haven't any friends then you can't do any harm. Fail to see the problem here. Every 18 year old thinks their life is completely fucked up and irredeemable.