How do you forgive yourself for something you've done...

Not at all.

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Then what exactly did you do that was emotional cheating?

I started talking to someone else even though I'm in a relationship. My partner found out and confronted me.

Likely they was talking to someone else while in a relationship and bonding emotionally secretly.

Oh, yeah that’s fucked up.

Yes, this. That's the typical definition of emotional cheating.

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Hey op so here's some advice from someone experienced in all ends of this, obviously you felt something was missing in your current relationship. Maybe you aren't compatible or don't fulfill each other emotionally. If you felt the need to wander I would think it isn't working out. You can try talking with them to fix it and counseling but I think chemistry is a real thing and after the initial lust attraction and excitement of a new relationship wears off, if there is no chemistry and compatibility then the relarionship won't last.

In addition if you can't trust each other and forgive yourselves this problem with always come back up again and again. Is that how you want to live?

>It's been about 5-6 months since it happened and I still think about it daily.

thats what I mean about beating yourself up though.
you think about it, and fixate on it, and bringing the memories and thoughts of it up and fixating on them is the same as cutting or other self flagellation.

Its being caught in a tornado of leaves but instead they're memories. And you try to grasp at them to stop them.

instead just let the thoughts come to you, accept it, and let it go. See the memory, let it go and go on with your task.

Try zen buddhism, its been great for my fixation issues.

It's always like a punch in the gut when I start thinking about it or something triggers a memory related to it. I get that gross sinking feeling. I'll look up what you recommended though, I'm really open to any sort of advice. I just want to be able to go about my day and not hate myself.

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You have to force yourself to think about it though. Tell yourself what you did, and that you can't change it. You're giving these memories too much power by trying not to acknowledge them.

I'm not looking for relationship advice. That aspect of things I was able to handle well and things have been repaired between my partner and I. They've forgiven me and moved on but since it was my fault I'm not able to. I'm asking for advice on coping with guilt.

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uh no. This is the opposite of good advice.

you don't force yourself to think about it. You let the memories and thoughts come as they will and then let them go. Fixating on it and making op analyze it over and over is going to give him and even bigger complex

its gonna be a punch in the gut for a while user. The chemistry behind love and affection is overwhelmingly powerful, so distorting that with episodes like cheating or breakups is like creating an actual withdrawal from drugs.

when I left my narcissist ex, the next half a year afterwards I would have panic attacks and nausea any time I even heard their voice or saw them with their new partner. But my problem was that I was drawing it out by beating myself up about all the things I thought I did wrong and 'punishing' myself with constant a analyzation of what had happened. so I cried for another couple months straight every time they walked past my apartment and by the end of it I didn't even think twice of them

its really just another form of attachment, but attachment to self punishment

It might take me a little longer but I really hope I can reach that point too. A lot of things remind me of the person I was talking to, which makes me feel extra guilty as well, even though I no longer have romantic feelings for them.

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it may sound a little ridiculous (I know I probably look crazy if anyone sees me doing this) but self actualization, out loud, is a surprisingly good way of moving on.

if you see something that makes you think of them (idk, a post card or a trinket), say outloud IN DEFINITE TERMS "I know this thing makes me think of x and it makes me feel guilty but I truly forgive myself and I'm not going to let it make me feel bad anymore "

say it, repeatedly, outloud if you can and don't throw in any "I think I forgive myself" or "I guess I can forgive myself" but actually "I forgive myself for what happened, and I'm not going to let it continue to hurt me"

Sorry but you are in a bit of deniap here. If you actually got to the point of romantic feelings for someone else then your relationship isn't that good. They might say they forgive you but you have not even forgiven yourself because deep down the issue that led you to that affair is stilp there.

You feel guilt for your actions but I am willing to bet you aren't all completely invested in your current partner.

Did you tell them you still feel guilt?

I think you're projecting your own insecurities here.

the question isn't about whether the relationship is good or not. The question is about the lingering feelings of guilt.

If the partner says its been forgiven then all op can do is trust that and try to move on, which is the advice he is looking for

Well put. That's exactly why I didn't want to say what I did, because then it just devolves into people making assumptions about my relationship. Which is no longer the problem. I just want to know how people are able to forgive themselves when they've made mistakes.

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No not really. I have never cheated or been cheated on. This doesn't have to do with me but more of the reality of the situation.

If they feel guilty then there is something wrong. If everything was fine then after six months and forgiveness from their partner they would just move on. The op admitted they still think about the other person. They feel guilty because they still like the other person.

If you want help you should answer the questions op. Because I just asked you if you have expressed your feelings of guilt to your partner, and you think I am judging your relationship. Whether you like it or not having an affair and feeling guilt are relationship problems, especially if you feel you cannot even tell your partner about it. You cheated emotionally and still cannot open emotionally to them, is that correct? Or did you tell them and they reminded you that they forgive you but you still fee guilt?

>No not really. I have never cheated or been cheated on

you don't need to have done either of those things to be insecure about them, which clearly you are, because you fixate on that aspect rather than OPs question, which has nothing to do with the act itself but the anxiety itself

Actually it seems you are projecting onto me. Do you not know how giving advice and therapy works? You have to understand the person you are talking to. That isn't projection, op literally says they feel guilt and want to stop feeling guilt, you don't just stop feeling something until you understand why that feeling is there. If all is forgiven, why do they admit they still think about the other person and feel guilty months later?

I suggested to talk to their partner about it, to get counseling if needed, but instead they got defensive over their relationship being questioned. That is usually a sign the relationship isn't as great as they want to believe.

In addition you arent contributing much except to dismiss everything Im saying. Op can choose not to respond, but what benefit do you gain here?

Stop making assumptions. I already stated that I no longer have feelings for the person I was talking. The reason I feel guilty when I'm reminded of them is because it's a reminder that I hurt my partner.

I don't think you're judging my relationship, I think you're making incorrect assumptions and missing the point of this whole thread. If I said that my partner has forgiven me and our relationship has been repaired, you asking questions about our relationship is pointless. How do you think a relationship is repaired? Through communication, obviously.

>no u
really dude l m a o
I've contributed the entire thread, you've done nothing but say that op is bad for cheating and needs to focus on how bad they are for cheating, and ignoring the actual question they're asking

Why are you so defensive? And why are you dodging the one question I asked that would help me give you advice?

Have you told your partner today, as of right now, about your feelings of guilt? And how did they respond? You go on about communication but here you are posting online instead of talking to them. And in addition I gave you advice to see a counselor to help work through those feelings.

Your replies are why I question your relationship. Rather than be defensive just explain better, I don't know you and cannot read your mind, there is no one magic way to fix this.

One thing I do is always write down my feelings in a journal, and look back on them on different days to see how I feel later. I also try to talk to others about their own experiences. Lastly, if necessary, see a therapist is an option.

I said that? Could you quote me on it?

I'm not being defensive. I simply stated that I'm not looking for relationship advice. I'm looking to hear how others dealt with feelings of guilt when they've hurt someone, even if that person has forgiven them.

To reply to everything you're asking though:
Yes I told them this afternoon and they reassured me that they loved me and forgave me.

I'm posting here because I just wanted to hear stories about how other people were able to move on after fucking up. I don't see how that would reflect poorly on my relationship.

We've done counseling, which is why I stated that things have been repaired. I'm confident in our relationship now, which you may have misinterpreted as me being defensive.

I'm seeing a therapist.

Then I would say give it some time. You might feel better and then seem to move backwards. That's normal. Just give it time and get every thought out, even the irrational ones or the seemingly unrelated ones. Therapy is like trying to open your brain and let someone inside, brains are complicated.

If you still feel guilt after a year then I would be more concerned, but six months really isn't a long time.

Also the other user is being a tad bit annoying, it was bothering me.

Okay in addition I can tell my own anecdote. Part of moving past guilt for me was acceptance. To accept that I am just human and life happens and nothing is black and white, nobody is as perfect as they seem, we all make mistakes.

Actually I'm not sure your age but if you are under 25, our brains and bodies are typically still not fully matured. Puberty starts young but it keeps going, some call it second puberty, but you gain life experience and you learn more about yourself through that.

I'm 23. Due to my issues with anxiety/depression I'm extremely hard on myself, which is what my partner said when I told them I was still feeling bad. I try to tell myself (sometimes out loud) that everyone makes mistakes but it's like there's a second voice in my head that poo poos all my methods to try and make myself feel better.

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I also have anxiety.. like pretty bad and it used to be severe. I went through some trauma and developed some depression as well, but I would say the anxiety gives me more problems.

I think the reassurance helps but you have to get to a point where you recognize when these intrusive thoughts are happening and how to deal with them. I might let myself fee them and get it out of my system and cope with it that way rather than letting them stay buried and growing. If you admit it to yourself it's already progress.

Have you figured out what led you to talk to someone outside the relationship? I'm taking a guess, but maybe did you feel like it would burden your partner?

You can also talk to the counselor about it and once you recognize and accept what happened your guilt might subside a bit.

Another thing would be to realize how often the thoughts occur, what might trigger them, is it only when something reminds you of it? Is it before sleeping? Do you have dreams about it and feel guilt in the morning?

If you have moments like this again, you can always find others online again to relate experiences. I still have times where I need to relate to people, even if I mostly feel okay about something otherwise.

My partner is the type who bottles everything up and goes inside of themselves when things get bad and I'm the type who needs constant reassurance that everything will be okay/work out. So we weren't connecting in that way and when someone else was there to tell me they'd take care of me, even though I knew they didn't mean it, I wasn't strong enough to keep holding them off. It was really just escapism, I'd say. It really sucks that that was how we finally realized what the problem was but at least now we're aware of how easy distance can be created.

As far as what triggers it, there are a lot of different ways. Dreams for sure, as well as the dose of morning guilt. When I try and fall asleep I always think of upsetting things and if there's no major upset for that day/week my brain defaults to this situation.

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Go out and do worse things, go shoot a horse in the face or something.

Is this both your first relationship? Maybe what most people gain through other experiences you both hadn't and brought that into the relationship. I think that the hurt and guilt is disappointment in yourself. For that you need to be the person you can respect, and also realize that her withholding her emotional connection is also her mistake that hurt you. And now you both learned from it. Stop thinking of it as you just hurt her and she forgives you because that puts an imbalance into play.

Anyway I'm not sure what else I could offer as advice, but you are doing better than you think, those instrusibe thoughts are distorting the reality. I completely understand how that is.

Yes, it's both our first real relationship. We've been together for about 8 years now and are married. I always saw myself as loyal (and was proud of that) so I'm very disappointed in myself that I would betray someone.

I feel better after talking about it more, though. Thank you.