I'm a closeted, arrogant asshole. I think I'm better than most people I've met, but I portray myself to be humble and nice. I don't have any interest in hearing about people's boring lives. I only have four friends and they are similar to me (only two of them live close by so I only really hang out with them). All we talk about is philosophy, religion, and politics. It's all I ever want to talk about and most people I've encountered don't enjoy such conversation. I like to talk about deep personal shit as well, for I'm an incredibly open person, but most people are uncomfortable with such conversation; especially with a stranger, which is understandable, but it doesn't really help me out. Perhaps I'm autistic as fuck. I don't know. My mind just drifts off when people talk about what color sweater they just bought for their dog. My inability to relate to people in this regard has left me with a sense of loneliness and has made meeting new people quite an arduous task. I like my current friends, but they get boring sometimes and I want new perspectives to challenge my beliefs. What do?
How do I become interested in small talk?
it sounds like youre self obsessed and maybe not actually generous. maybe people don’t even see you as nice.
like I said I'm an arrogant asshole. that doesn't mean i can't be generous
Look into the deeper reasons behind small talk. When people ask each other about the weather it's seldom because they actually care about it, it's more so a simple exchange of good will. If you read between the lines and understand the reasoning/psychology behind it, it becomes more interesting and will give you more to chew on as you interact with others in this way.
Interesting, I'll give it a try
I suppose you could give your work or financial assets away, but that’s risky. even time spent advising on adv is time that could really go elsewhere better.
what most people need (on top of the obvious) is love and care. imagine if everyone here looked at your post and said, “meh, just another person,” and didn’t reply.
if you think youre this asshole person, you might be depressed, disturbed, or maybe accurate in your self-assesment and actually an asshole. all of those possibilities are concerning.
so what do you want advice with exactly? something to do with making new friends? my simple advice is not to approach them as mere tools for your entertainment or wellbeing.
if you were spilling out worth, to be hyperbolic here, theres a significant chance you wouldn’t be bored or lonely. Im sure you have good assets and qualities. What im trying to do is remind you of the funamentals of human social interaction.
I relate to what youre saying to some extent. But I have a lower opinion of it. I’d like to grow to be someone who never uses Jow Forums, you know?
well I'm being a little dramatic. I do have self confidence issues, but I also know that most people generally think I'm a good guy. I just don't know how to talk to people on their level. It doesn't interest me, and it results in boring conversation for both parties. I just want to know how to know how to be engaging with small talk like I am when I talk about philosophy. I don't spend as much time on Jow Forums as I used to, I've been trying to Improve myself for the last year. I have in many ways, but my self image is lacking, desu I have no idea how to feel good about myself. sometimes I'm confident, like after I work out, but it never last and I'm not sure how to hold on to that feeling. I don't view people as tools for my entertainment, I just wish that more people were interested in what I like.
>I wish people were interested in what I like.
Yeah, that’s what being fringe can be like, especially if you are facing other challenges in life. I know that feel, or used to know it, sort of gave up.
I don’t understand why liking obsecure literature, for example, makes you different than the man who likes gardening and sports or something like that. sure, we’re headier, but headier is not necessarily superior. sure, we’re rarer, but that’s not necessarily superior.
I’ve seen commentary like yours before. Having a largely unwarranted feeling of superiority to mask loneliness, or some difficult feelkng like it, is what mainstream psychologists from Freud’s day to now would refer to as harmful narcissism.
You probably need a friend who talks about something other than politics, one who is man enough to express his emotions and talk about the entire spectrum of life. And a girlfriend might not hurt either.
Lots of people, at least 4channers, encounter issues when they try to form relationships. Maybe your relationship with the hypothetical people I just mentioned would be troubled by something like personality issues or lack of transportation. These issues would be the real things to confront in the name of progress and self-improvement.
>how it makes you different
meant to say superior
what is superior? it's superior to me because that's what I value in life. for example: Do I think I'm intrinsically better than someone else because I'm smarter than them? No, but I feel like I am superior in that regard, they could be superior to me in other aspects of life, but I may not value those traits like I value intelligence. I don't think I'm better than anyone on a human level, I just think I'm better when it comes to the things I value most in life, and I look for people who share those traits. I'm open to having friends who don't talk about philosophy, politics, or religion, but I just can't make conversation with them enjoyable for myself. what's the point of having a friend if you don't enjoy their company? and I'm not mentally ready to be in a relationship, as I have a lot of things to sort out, and it wouldn't be fair to my significant other if I had to focus energy on fixing myself instead of the relationship.
im not opposing your view. im just presenting another one. if you approach every scenario with a person like “on a fundamental level we’re equal. a wise person can learn from anything, and people can teach a lot without being aware of it. even if I ultimately become sad or angry from this interaction, I know some good can come it,” then just maybe it would be better than thinking “damn I cant smalltalk with people who aren’t as intelligent as me. woe.”
not being able to create or utilize social connection might be a creativity issue, rather than an information processing issue. maybe you can understand Rick and Morty, but maybe this person has a nice family or loads of social connections to share with you.
it's not as though I don't try to have conversations with people, i try to be interested and contribute to the conversation, but they always just end in awkward silence because I eventually have nothing to add or inquire about their stories of what they did that day. perhaps it is a creativity issue, but if it is i wouldn't know how to go about correcting that. It's not like i can will myself to be more creative.
If you don’t think of much to say, that’s fine. It’s hard to comment on your conversations without being there. In every conversation I’ve been in, there was usually some way to handle the silence.
Every conversation ends at some point. Very social people end conversations and walk alway without any tension or effort, since modern life involves a lot saying “see ya” and going on to the next task or whatever.
You’re not the only one who’s awkward. Sometimes extremely “well adjusted” and beautiful people are socially unskilled.
As for wondering if anything way accomplished, do you approach the conversation with any kind of goal? Most people unconsciously do, at least when they’re comfortable.
The comment about creativity, sorry, was about looking at social situations as opportunities. An examples:
Maybe you get along well with a coworker. The ice is fully broken and you two are comfortable enough to handle silence. You can ask him to lunch. Why do that? Well, if it’s awkward, I don’t really see what you have to lose. If you two hit it off and become better friends, maybe he would have you meet more of his friends and family.
Even if he’s a lame-o who doesn’t know anyone you’d like to meet, maybe you could help move or something. Helping someone move doesn’t sound pleasant, but it can get your dopamine pumping and it’s an excuse to socialize.
And social anxiety, along with circumstance, is pretty much going to shit all over any concrete plans with people. So if you’re prone to social anxiety, that’s just a sort of an unfortunate aspect of life, though being at a certain good place in society can reduce most of it.
What is the motivation for people to do small talk? Is it to escape awkwardness or actually genuine curiosity?
I don't usually have goals when talking to people, but when I do it usually to just become a better conversationalist. sometimes I want things from people, like information for example, but the conversation is just a means to an end at that point and I don't have to worry about small talk.
I see your point, perhaps I can start to see conversations consisting of small talk as opportunities rather than mundane interactions
I'm not sure. I'm a very quiet person and I usually only speak when i have something significant to say, otherwise I just use body language
>I don't usually have goals when talking to people, but when I do it usually to just become a better conversationalist.
I don’t know if that’s a good idea or not.
>I'm a very quiet person and I usually only speak when i have something significant to say, otherwise I just use body language.
Anything you can say to cheer someone up, for instance, is significant to them. The best line with women is probably “how was your day?” obviously the intonation and intention is more important than the exact words, but you get the jist.
I wish someone would ask me what music I was listening to *and* then what the somg was about. But nobody asks what the song you’re listening to is about - that’s considered a stupid or intrusive question.
>Anything you can say to cheer someone up, for instance, is significant to them.
>But nobody asks what the song you’re listening to is about.
good points. I should probably try to be more considerate to others and realize that people want others to take interest in them the same as I want people to take interest in me.
Yeah. When it comes to the music, I’d mostly like to talk about the song outside of how I relate to it. Like, if someone has a favrotie director, you can tell them about the hidden meaning behind one of the movies or something like that, and they ought to like that.
As you know, what you’re talking about doesn’t have to be happy or good to garner a positive response. It just has to be not depressing. When I was in high school, I opened conversations with classmates using odd jokes and weird statements like “do you know what jello is made out of?...yeah, it’s made out of crushed bones.”
Keeping on the subject of high school, I would sometimes open conversations about black things (though I’m white). I really liked Kanye West and The Boondocks. A black girl was wondering if black people were closer to other primates than white people, and why white people looked more like Neanderthals. This other guy and I told her that white people do have Neanderthal DNA and this blew her mind. Then we said that, though we were just parroting this technical talk we didn’t really understand, that people have 96% DNA in common with chimps or something like that, and then about DNA in mushrooms and so on.
These conversations obviously weren’t high brow or especially intelligent, but they were novel and fun, at least to the people recieving novel information.
You can have such a positive reaction to something that it becomes socially awkward. One time I heard a girl fishing for compliments from her female friend, and I found a way to step in and say that she was one of the prettiest most understated girls in school. that was probably too much and it became awkward, but we knew each other for a few years so there was a level of trust. her friend said something like “hmph. if guy says that to me, I’m marrying him.” This was a lot better than staring at the wall.
my disposition is probably more like yours than like someone who gets excited over hearing a simple fact. but it’s actually good there are people like that. otherwise life becomes dull and all about business.
sometimes I’m childlike with people I’m really close to. are you ever childlike? do you still experience wonder?
I can make good conversation when it comes to stuff like that but I'm no good at bring stuff like that into the conversation
yeah, I can be childlike when I'm around people who I feel comfortable being myself with. I experience wonder often, interestingly enough, the older I get the more wonder I feel, though I'm only 20 and that could certainly change
>im not good at bringing stuff like that into the conversation
just say whatever, so long as it’s appropriate
>interestingly enough, the older I get the more wonder I feel, though I'm only 20 and that could certainly change
Well that’s good.
have a good night
good night, bud