NOW BACK TO THE GOOD PART

I DON'T LOVE ANY OF YOU. The 3 of you think I was the "love of your life" and that "I'm the special someone" and I FEEL SORRY FOR YOU because you have no idea that you're not the only guy thinking he's my Jay Gatsby. I BROKE UP WITH EACH ONE OF YOU FOR A REASON. I'm so fed up with being a pixie manic dream girl. I significanly improved your lives, each every one of you, X, when I met you your mom was still doing your laundry, Y, I helped you finally get a high school diplomma like 5 years? overdue, Z, you were a little cute ball of awkward and I finally got ide of your virginity when you were 26, and god damnit, I was so much in love with each one of you but it was a LONG. TIME. AGO. Why are you blowing up my phone a DECADE later? I've moved on and so should YOU.

ERMIGAWD! NORMAL COMMUNICATION IS DIFFICULT!

Wow I really suck at life.

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Jessica, I have this sudden crush on you again, even though we've hardly seen one another since high school. I want to start talking to you, but considering how things are with my long term relationship ending, it would probably be uncomfortable for both of us. Instead I just keep hoping we'll see each other at another event. Wish I had the stones to just tell you this, but maybe I'll get my chance soon. I don't know if you ever had similar feelings. I think you might have, but that was a long time ago. Anyway, it was really good to see you the other day.

J

I'm both super looking forward to the summer and also super scared of it. I know you'll be coming for holidays and the chance of meeting again is there. I would love to meet up and talk about everything that happened, and maybe fix things. But I'm also scared to meet you again because you became really hostile towards me...

>God I wish that were me

I'm too fucking tired to go to work tomorrow. Idk how I will be able to last a whole week in that shitty office. I'm too tired, the weekends don't do anything, I can't get enough rest. I can't go on anymore. I always go in a bad mood and I'm too tired to react properly to what people say to me. I can't focus, I'm failing at work, clients are getting pissed.

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I have a crush on a girl named Jessica too, driving me insane to the point where I wish I could just kill myself to get out of it. She's dating some dude.
Good luck with Jessica, you.

Fuck you fuck you fuck you. I do give a shit. I’m just totally lost about where to go in my life. I know that others are finishing graduating. I know I’m working a shitty part time job that won’t take me anywhere, I know that I’m a disappointment I’m fucking trying to get better and find a way to go in my life but I don’t know where to go. Fuck you.

I truly wish it were possible

Consider yourself lucky I like to remain civil.

If it makes you feel better, I can guarantee you that I suck at life worse than you.

Thanks man, hope you figure it out soon. These fucking Jessicas, how do they do it?

Idk. The other day I was hanging out with some guy I know and he told me he has a crush on the same Jessica I like. Fuck life, I'm sick of this shit. I want out.

I think about suicide often, but the only reason l don't do it is my family. They are the only 3 people who give a shit about me

Same here

Everyone has these ulterior motives, everyone show their true colors sooner or later and it's always ugly. I'll end up alone and killing myself because I can't trust anyone anymore. I give and I give and it's never enough and there's always something against me. I have problems of my own, I hate to deal with this psychic pain.

unironically relating to these feels

The world owes me. How do I collect what it owes me?

>21
>dead end job
>virgin
>hate my mom with a passion
>sleep until mid afternoon everyday
>girls i have interest in always end up ghosting me

I want to change all the shit in my life but i have no motivation to, fuck i guess i was destined to be a loser

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I started mediating a few days ago and ever since I'm pissed off at everything all the time.

Guess that's just one more thing I don't do right.

Are you from New York by any chance?

Jersey actually

Here's your (you). Now run along kiddo.

Not a day has gone by over the past few months where I haven't fought off the urge to kill myself. I'm waiting for the day my parents pass so I can off myself without burdening anyone else.

I recently got in touch with an old bully on facebook. She did apologize and we had a good talk. However old wounds start to resurface and l have a hard time with the dissonance. I've been ostracized all my life. At a young age with that toxic environment, it does scar you. Part of me wants to express how sad l really was all those years, but it been years and she has a family. Meanwhile l haven't had a proper friend ever since. Amusingly, she thought l was dead because l didnt show up on the final yearbook and graduation over this.

On a "positive" note this isnt the worst issue l had

I spend a lot of time bouncing back and forth with having my shit together versus letting it all fall apart, and I've concluded that, though I may be depressed, the former option is more rewarding both short-term and in the long run. For a few days, I fantasized about going to the gym and developing my music, and those days were really productive, but I relapsed because I still felt empty inside. However, giving up only made me less satisfied overall (although it was easier). Now, neither of these options will make me happy, but if 99% of people would say to pick the productive one, that's what I ought to do. One path leads to more nights of NEETdom, living with my mother, and choking down Pepto-Bismol each night as I scour /v/ for decent threads, while the other means I can live on my own and drastically increase my chance at happiness later on. It really sucks to have this develop in the prime of my youth, but I think it'll make life all the more satisfying when I finally recover what I've lost.

Meditation can be really frustrating when you're starting out. The best advice I have is to focus on finding solutions to your problem (internet helps a lot), and if that fails, go to a zen center nearby and take some lessons. I hope you don't give up - it's a wonderful thing once you make sense of it.

It's easy to apologize many years after, it doesn't make her less of an asshole. Life is easy for people who weren't bullied.

>IAMWOMANHEARMERAWR

No matter what I do it never feels like I'm enough for the people in my life. I'm constantly drained, I hate my jobs, and I'm trying real hard not to fail out of college. But I have no vision of the future, and I constantly feel like a disappointment.

Not gonna off myself, I've been through that shit and come out the other side. I just seriously need some direction in my life.

Huh?
It always just upset me that I would try to have a genuine conversation with them, and they'd be sitting there trying to send me messages in morse code. Just fucking tell me the thing.

why can't/ won't you answer one simple question? it's a yes or no. you know how i feel about you already.

I asked for your number and you gave it to me. When I asked you out though, things went flat...

A year later and you start smiling at me all the time and trying to get into any conversation I'm having... Now when I think you're interested again you just give me these one sentence texts back, and again seem uninterested.

Why would you do this to me? I was perfectly fine with moving on with my life the last time, why'd you give me this false sense of hope again? Only to make me feel like shit once again as well?

If you were just trying to be nice it was ironically the most cruel thing you could've done to me...

Have you asked? Explicitly.

My best friend has turned into a zombie due to meds. He's able to work and function but I can't have a conversation with him like before.

Everyone tells me that due to depression, I should be in meds.

It's a highly personal decision and it's great if you've decided this and it's working for you, but I just notice the difference everytime. I wonder if being functional and become a zombie would be the better than keeping the depression, functioning in altered mood swings and occasionally wanting to kill myself.

Not thinking or feeling about the bad part of life doesn't make it nonexistent.

So in days like this I have depression and I've got no real friends and that's okay because everyone else is happy

I adopted a philosophy a few years ago. If it's not "FUCK YES!" it's "fuck no".

Almost did it.
I want to cry so badly.

Girls are like that, they don't want to go through the effort of dealing with someone's emotions, they think it's better to say something other than yes/no. They think they are doing you a favor.

My life is comical. Not in the sense of positivity, but negativity. I have belittled and berated the weak, although I find myself in a position of weakness. I often find myself being pretentious and attention-seeking in the hopes of finding friends and acquiring girls. I appear confident on the outside, but inside I feel empty. Suicide has often been contemplated, but there are still pleasures in life I look forward to. The irony is that I’m one of the tallest people in my school, but I am also — figuratively speaking — the smallest.

Do what?

I want to sing and write lyrics
I don't think I'll ever accomplish this though

Bro.. being tall af affords you a role of dominance, play up to it. You don't need to be hyper butch or have a pseudo type-A personality just play it off as cool.

I want to message you, but it would be lame after 4 months of silence between us.

this is stupid but last weekend my boyfriend and i went to a bar and he got blackout drunk and ended up like kind of feeling up another woman. he was really apologetic and sad about it the next day and even swore off drinking (i didnt ask him to). so i forgave him because i love him and it was a mistake. but the image of what he did keeps popping up in my head and makes me feel angry and sick. i would never want anyone but him. but im wondering if im making too big a deal about it. or if these bad feelings i have will eventually wear off.

I hate how my best friend has a boyfriend

What's lame is you hesitating....c'mon now

you should tell her

Would you accept my life?
>Moderately successful for age (20, paid off car, great phone, laptop, hundreds of physical books)
>Decent savings plan/fiscal mindset for age (saved nearly 8k, will have anywhere from 12 to 15 when the year closes)
>Going to college debt free through scholarships (essentially 2 years free, next 2 years discounted)
>Engaged to best friend, multiple close friends
>Excellent relationship with distant family (grandmother/her sisters/uncles/various cousins)
but
>literally zero relationship to parents or only brother (We're essentially roommates, with my father periodically expressing his disdain for me and my mother heavily implying she can't wait for me to leave)
All of my achievements and successes feel so hollow. I got a 160/160 on a final yesterday, the coursework was my mother's major, but they just don't care.

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>They think they are doing you a favor.

yeah. they're doing themselves a favor. they get to play it safe and get to weigh out their options. can't say i blame though. don't hate the prayer, hate the game. i just wish i can get a one word, binary answer.

A, I hope you haven't forgotten how you feel about me. I still want to see what more there can be between us. Let me take you out on that date. No more excuses from either of us.

Who is this from? Man, wish I was that A :C

I have no strength to go on but I can't afford to take a break

So this is kinda a feeling I just figured out and understood, and i kinda wrote it in poem form, i dont even know what to call it. Its the feeling of taking a truly pure girls virginity.
She is perfect, she is pure. She is not innocent, but hasn't done a wrong in this world.

She has chosen you, only you, to be with her and make her a woman.

(You), a random person, of no reason to ever take her childhood away, has been chosen to receive the greatest gift a girl can ever give.

She has never touched herself. She has never felt climax. Her whole life, without that sexual pleasure.

(You), with the first lick, the first bite, the first moan, the innocents of such a unknown pleasure, will take her virginity.

She will not know what to feel, a pain might be taken away by a fulfilling feeling of pleasure.

But the whole time, she will feel like she never has and never will again, and that is all because of (You). She gave you that.

(You)

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I feel like a consistent fuckup

My only real life friend died last year
Today was his birthday
That horrible thought that I'm completely fucked and will be alone forever has snuck back in and I hate it. I miss my friend

E or M depending how well you know me. A's been too quiet lately and I fear she's angry at me for not making a move soon enough.

I want more attention than my boyfriend cares to give me. I wouldn't consider myself a needy partner. When we're apart for more than a few days, I just ask that he send me a text every other day to check in and also not force me to be the only one to ever initiate because otherwise I'd never hear from him. I just want to talk or maybe have a meal together after work or do something together for half an hour max, but he doesn't need the same and is content to just play video games or work on something related to his grad degree. I used to be okay with this, but I can't help feeling I've given up a lot more for this relationship than he has. I followed him to the city of his choice for his grad school, away from all my friends and family and opportunities for myself. I pay more in rent for an apartment he chose. I do more of the cleaning even though I work more hours at my job, and he won't do the simple things I've asked him repeatedly to try, like keeping the bathroom doors closed so our cats don't go in and mess with the toilets and track toilet water everywhere. And now I just feel like we're two people living our lives adjacently rather than together, more and more. We hardly have sex anymore. I'm unhappy. I'm unhappy and I don't know what to do about it because I'm on a lease with him until December and don't have the funds saved for a move or anywhere to stay if I were to try to leave anyway. I want to be happy with him, it hurts to think about not having him in my life, but I'm also starting to resent the things he doesn't put in or the things I've put aside for our relationship, and I'm just so sick of feeling like all I do is annoy my partner for wanting to spend some time actually interacting with him.

Fuck.

Maybe she’s afraid you’ve lost interest. You should let her know that you haven’t.

I've listened to you for years, all your ramblings about how gay people should be killed and how sick it is. Well, I am one of those "sick" people and I've had to keep it hidden for so long, just to avoid hurting you, but I'm the one who ended up getting hurt - because you gave me no reason to trust you with that part of my life. Whether you wanna know it or not, I don't want to hide it anymore and I'm not going to stop myself from finding happiness just to appease a lie thst is decades old now. I'm gay and that's it.

I asked her to hang out a couple times in the past week or two but she keeps saying no because of uni coursework and now upcoming exams. But I don't think those are the real reasons. Especially since last weekend she made a point of expressing how glad she was that we finally have a free weekend and then saying she'd rather sleep to celebrate than hang out.

I honestly don't know what's caused her change in attitude. I'm just worried it'll ruin a potentially amazing thing.

GOD DAMMIT I'M SO SICK OF THE FACT I'M A KINKY FUCK. IT'S FUCKING ANNOYING THAT I CAN'T GET OFF IF MY SEXUAL PARTNER ISN'T PUNCHING ME IN THE THROAT. IT MAKES DATING INCREDIBLY FRUSTRATING TO THE POINT THAT I'M ABOUT TO JUST GIVE UP. I HAVE ONLY DATED ONE (JUAN) PERSON IN MY ENTIRE LIFE I FELT SEXUALLY ATTRACTED TO.

I'M SICK OF KINKY DATING SITES LIKE FETLIFE AND RECON BEING FULL OF MEN IN THEIR 40'S TRYING TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF YOUNG GAY MEN. I'M SICK OF EVERY KINKY PERSON I MEET BEING A COMPLETE AND UTTER NORMIE.

I JUST WANT A BF THAT HAS THE FUCKING BALLS TO CHOKE ME OUT ONCE AND A WHILE BUT ALSO LIKES TO WATCH CHINESE CARTOONS.

I HAVEN'T HAD A FULFILLING RELATIONSHIP SINCE I WAS 20.

AND DON'T SAY "JUST TRY B URSELF :)" FUCK OFF I'VE BEEN TRYING SELF IMPROVEMENT SHIT FOR YEARS AND I STILL CAN'T FIND ANYONE I WANT TO DATE.

MAYBE THE REASON I DON'T WANT TO DATE IS BECAUSE THE LAST PERSON I DATED KEKED ME DESPITE BEING MY BEST FRIEND FOR 2 YEARS PRIOR TO THE RELATIONSHIP. MAYBE ULTIMATELY I AM FINDING PEOPLE I LIKE AND I'M JUST PROJECTING BAD THINGS ONTO THEM BECAUSE I'M SCARED TO TRUST AGAIN. MAYBE I'M MY WORST ENEMY BECAUSE OF LIFE CIRCUMSTANCE BEING ABSOLUTE SHIT. MAYBE IN THE END, I'M JUST A BITTER, WASHED UP SHELL OF A PERSON THAT CAN'T LOVE ANOTHER HUMAN BEING BECAUSE OF MY TENDENCY TO SEEK OUT AND FIND EMOTIONALLY ABUSIVE PARTNERS BECAUSE THE ONLY RELATIONSHIP I HAD WITH MY PARENTS WHEN I WAS YOUNGER WAS EQUALLY ABUSIVE. MAYBE IN THE END THE ONLY CONCEPT OF LOVE I HAVE IS ONE OF ABUSE, AND I'M ULTIMATELY A BROKEN HUMAN BEING WHO WILL NEVER ACTUALLY BE ABLE TO BE IN A FULFILLING RELATIONSHIP BECAUSE I KEEP PUSHING AWAY PEOPLE THAT LOVE ME NOT BECAUSE THEY'RE BAD PARTNERS, BUT BECAUSE I FEAR WHAT TRUE INTIMACY IS. MAYBE I KEEP SEEKING OUT PEOPLE WHO ARE BAD FOR ME SO I CAN AVOID THE REALITY OF BEING IN A RELATIONSHIP. MAYBE IN THE END I'M THE PROBLEM.

BUT I DON'T WANT TO FACE THAT SO I'LL JUST KEEP MAKING THE SAME MISTAKES. THIS IS THE TEXT LIMIT.

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I'll choke you

I think I might be undergoing a spiritual transitioning that started around the time I started taking hormone medication. I have no idea why I feel the way that I do, but bible verses are starting to make much more sense to me and some of them are even making me feel empowered. I think my first real act of submissiveness to God came when I plead with them and made him a promise that if he doesn't like my requests for a successful gender transition then I will accept my eternal damnation without question. This is a bold thing to say and I know should that time come I will be terrified but a part of me feels as if I would fulfill my promise without question. Only God can change the terms and conditions of this agreement. I sometimes feel as if God has been blessing me so far and I pray that he continues to do so until my golden years before the time comes to meet him for final judgment. I don't know why something just kicked in once I started to accept myself as a girl but it just sort of did which is odd considering that I've always been told that trannies go to Hell. One of the negative things about gender dysphoria is that you always feel like you are violating Deuteronomy 22:5 because it is vague enough to where you could make the assumption that by just concealing your identity by dressing as your assigned sex that you are actually crossdressing, but there remains doubt that if you dress according to how you identify then this could also be seen as crossdressing. I am a double violator of this verse. How can a tranny possibly be religious and hold a relationship with God? This is what I would like to know.

>How can a tranny possibly be religious and hold a relationship with God?
Doubtful he can as transitioning is obviously interfering with God's creation.

Sounds like there's no potentially amazing thing if she doesn't want to see you

You can't. The very nature of rejecting the body you were given by God is implying that God makes mistakes.

I love you, but I'm not in love you anymore. I don't see a future with us, the way you do. I am grateful for the way you love me though. I'm sorry to wasted 5 years of your life. I hope you find a man that brings you way more happiness and joy than I could. I hope you get the beautiful wedding and children that you always wanted. I'm sorry I couldn't give you those things. And I literally crying as I write this. I love you

That's the thing. We went on a few dates in 2017 but things got a bit messy. Then in February she confessed that she still feels like more than friends and wants to kiss me and give a real relationship a try and all that kinda shit. And now this. It's like she's bipolar.

God DOES make mistakes, it's in the Bible. For example the part where he realized he made a mistake with mankind and had to flood the earth to kill the bad ones.

You're going to Hell

eeeeeeeeep we're going to the third round AWWW FUKKEN YISS

It's not your place to correct God's mistakes.

I really hate how i cope with things by avoidance

My sister went through what you're describing. He's my brother in law now, I know their relationship is hard at times but they love each other very much. Try to help him understand how you feel, of course it will take time and effort but that's what makes our relationships special. He may even be going through something right now he's afraid to talk about. Best of luck for you two

I'm very sorry for your loss

I've been contemplating this for some time and honestly, I'm starting to question if it's really interfering with his creation. They say God has a plan for everyone and that age old question as to why he would have made trannies the way that they are is because he is telling a story. I've started to believe that God is a great programmer of the universe with the complexities of science and an author of our lives as we are all unique individuals with different backgrounds. We all face turmoils and we all have our high points in life. I have started to question if this is what people mean by "God has a plan for everyone" so perhaps this is just his plan for me.

If God is on another level than we are then couldn't God make mistakes of his own choosing? If this is implying that God made a mistake yet he cannot make a mistake, wouldn't that mean that he intended for this to happen? These kinds of thoughts have been on my mind for the past few weeks now and I have even started to study religious scriptures such as the Bible and even the Qur'an.

I never actually thought about this before. I suppose this could be interrupted as God realizing a mistake, but this begs the question as to what a mistake is on his plain of existence and if this was truly a mistake on his behalf or if he essentially chose to just start again with a clean sleet. God is possible with all things so couldn't he make mistakes of his own choosing?

God helps those who help themselves, though, right?

>mistakes of his own choosing
Are you retarded?

It's a tranny, user.

The very thought of that hurts my brain but honestly, thinking about God should hurt your brain. He should be something that you cannot fully comprehend without dizziness. It's sort of like time travel.

True, but its still been almost a decade.

I just don't think l fully recovered from it though

I wasnt perfect either. I admit l'd said things that were over the line.

I do want to express how sad l was though. There was a huge cold environment on expression. This new PC culture is a different language

only if i can call you dad

I'm sorry I keep hurting you. I want to be with you, but I can't give you the commitment you ask for because I don't trust you (and that's both our fault). I can't bring myself to make the sacrifices you're asking of me when neither of us thinks it will work out anyway....

Obviously. How is this even a question?
Get the fuck out, normie.

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What for? And if I am then so are you, probably, so it's irrelevant.

you're probably a shill fresh from a lobby office, but i'll say this:

There's something called bias. You see the things you want to see and you believe in things that you want to believe. You seek validation and you subconsciously throw away everything that goes against what you're trying to validate while accepting the only things that "make sense" to the point you want to get.

Delusion and more delusion, you sound like a wreck. I wish you happiness regardless of any spiritual belief or choice you've made.

Kanye did nothing wrong.

I sound like a lobby office shill? That's an oddly specific observation.

I suppose you're right, though, could these things I be seeing be mere feelings since they started sometime before I started looking up biblical verses and such.

1 Corinthians 11:3-10 felt empowering to me even though that seems like the most misogynistic passage at first glance.

I remember when I came out as transgender to my parents and they sent me to talk to a priest. And on the table in the church for some reason there was a magazine that said "dialogue for the transition" (it probably meant transition in a completely different context, of course) and I felt it was a message from God. But the priest said I shouldn't transition, my parents still hate trans people, and I never transitioned and my parents just denied the whole thing and think I'm cured back to the default straight cisgender guy state. I'm still transgender deep down of course, but no one knows. I still hate being alive, I wonder if my life would have been better or worse if I transitioned. I definitely didn't (and still don't) look even remotely feminine, I would have needed magic rather than hormones. Idk why I'm posting this.
/blog

One moment that made me feel like God might be looking out for me was that I wish I had someone to discuss these theological ideas I've always had even before being diagnosed. Suddenly I found an LGBT affirming church that was literally a couple of minutes walk from my apartment complex (they moved now to a different location but still within one bus ride away) so I left them a message and one of their priests sent me a message on Facebook. He holds some unconventional beliefs on God much like myself and isn't anti-science either. I would love to meet him and I know he does Sunday sermons. I'm just too afraid to sneak out of the house since my brother might disown me since he's an atheist though he may have settled down from his more militant perspective since his wife-to-be is Christian. So it's not like I don't have someone to go to for spiritual support.

Good luck with that, I hope it's not some weird cult and that they are actually nice good people.

i still love you.

I think the church he belongs too is helping out with an LGBT event. So it seems legitimate. The name of the church interesting enough is named after two verses that I've known for my whole love. Those verses being 1 Timothy 2:12 and most recently 2 Timothy 3:16.