My boyfriend (25) gives money to his sister (28) and mom and other family members a lot

My boyfriend (25) gives money to his sister (28) and mom and other family members a lot

Whenever something happens my bf takes care of it. He gave his sister his old car for free and when it had problems he gave her $700 for repairs. I got in a car accident and my car needed $500 that I’m picking up an extra job to pay for it. It really bothers me because
A) we have been trying to move in together for a long time . He says he doesn’t have enough money put aside. Yet he has paid for his moms rent for her house that he, his mom, and his 28 year old sister who has only worked minimum wage jobs and never moved out live in. His mom or sister has also stolen money from him (he literally questioned me of taking it which I never would) and his mom just takes hundreds from his room whenever she feels like it.

I’m honestly sick of it. I know we’re not married and don’t share finances, but we are trying to get a place together and I feel like his family shouldn’t be relying on him like that. It’s not like he has excessive money to be helping other people when we don’t even have our
Own place.

I told him it was nice helping his sister, but we’re trying to get a place together and I don’t think he should
Be handing out money. She can get another job ??? He said it’s his money and he can do what he want and yelled at me...


Is he wrong or am I ? I just like wanna have someone to be my partner and it’s not
Gonna work if he’s already supporting a family..

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Also it just bugs me too because I’ve been trying to ask him to
Take me to this nice restaurant (we literally go somewhere nice once or twice a year ) because I found this dress I really wanna wear. And he says it’s too expensive (prob like 100-150 for dinner). But he can pay $700 for his sisters car. And it makes out relationship sufffer and not be romantic and stuff :(

He sounds like an idiot, but you also sound selfish. Why don't you get a better job if you want to go out to dinner? He shouldn't enable his mother's/sister's laziness though.

I know. His mom
Got laid off and she didn’t have a new job for literally like 8 months or something. He paid for their rent for like three months!! And probably
Completely supported them.

It just mkes me mad because she should be encouraging her son to move out and stuff not making him support him and her sister

I’m not one to judge becaus I don’t make tons of money either but his sister is 28 and never
Moved out and always has crappy jobs and lives off my boyfriend. It makes me really mad, becaus I plan on having a family with him and stuff in couple of years and I don’t want his sister/mom to basically be our children

He also does a ton of favors for his dad too like constantly and he borrows money too :|

Maybe he has enough trouble supporting his family without having someone else milk him?

I can understand a guy in that position looking for someone that isn't going to be dependent on him

It’s not that it’s like it makes me not wanna be with him in some level. It’s like he barely
Has time/money for me because he has to take care of his family members who are perfectly capable of taking care of them self.. like why doesn’t his sister go get a fucking boyfriend to help her with that stuff .. I’ve definitely
Never asked my
Older brothers to take care of me especially afrrr age 18!!!!! When ur 28 ur more than capable of taking care of yourself !!

Since you are already planning your future together, id say propose to him and see if that shocks him into focusing more on his relationship with you

Lol sorry I want him to propose

And we don’t even live together yet !!!!! He’s probs gave his family like at least 5k in the past year, but he doesn’t have money enough to move
In! It makes me
So mad..

I told him if we don’t move in by September I’m breaking up with him. I know it’s extreme, but I’ve been waiting for over a year and I have time limits ..and he’s using his money foolishly

It's nice to help out your family sometimes but this is a bit much. OP, your bf is being cucked by his own blood. Woman up and tell him to stop being a little bitch.

Maybe he could give them a chunk of money now, and tell them that this will be the last time they get money from him outside of real emergencies.

He needs to assert himself about his needs to plan his own finances and his future home with you.

user, is your bf Asian?

Lol u niggas broke if u can't spare 5k.

Its his family chill the fuck out

OP, I genuinely hate women like you.

You have a man who steps up and takes care of his family, and instead of helping him out and figure things out with him you treat him like he owes you things.

I'm so grateful that my bf takes care of his elderly mother, I think so much more of him for doing it.

Exactly

And I never talked to him about it before because it’s his family so it’s sensitive and stuff.

But the fact that either his mom or sister literally STOLE money from him and denied it and he asked me if I took it! When they go into his room and take hundreds and text him “I took a 100 for whatever blah blah” like it’s not okay.

I just said something this time because I got in a car accident and have to pay a $500 deductible. I’m literally driving around a half smashed car until I have enough money to pay it for it to be fixed, and then he sends off $700 for his sisters car. We don’t even have a place together.

It’s the first time I addressed it and he yelled At me and said it’s his money and what else is he supposed to do she won’t hVe a car. Like why is that his responsibility to not only give his sister his old car but also fix it afrrr she damaged it. ???? And she STEALS from him and honestly isn’t a nice person. She’s never had a boyfriend or moved out of her moms and work jobs that teenagers hve. It makes me really mad that he suppports her & his mom.


I just told him f we don’t get a place by September I wanna break up , bc I’ll grt a place by myself and I don’t wanan date someone who’s still living at home and supporting adults...

Ugh idk .


Nope

5k is a lot for a mid twenty year old to give out to his mom and sis... usually parents are stilll helping their kids out till their early/mid twenties not the other way around...

She’s not elderly lmao she’s like 50. My mom works full time and she’s 60...

His sister is 28 and he supports her too. She’s more than capable of working a full time job and supporting herself but she doesn’t bc my boyfriend does everything for her

U gotta get a second job for your $500 bull but are moving out on your own. Damn I bet this isn't even a larp. U never moving out bish.

Well yeah. I just finished university and started working so I don’t ahve money right now. But I’m gonna be working alll summer (the next four months) and save all that’s to move out. I’ll grt roommates.

It's family. What kind of asshole are you for telling your bf to choose between you and his family? How entitled are you to feel like he owes you his money?

you are not entitled to any of his money, you aren't his wife and his family ranks higher than you

Because we’re in our fucking mid 20s.

My boyfriend is 25 years old
And never moved out. Part of that is becaus he spends a lot of money helping his family. He can’t even have his own life

His family
Should be encouraging him/helping him move out not the other way around.

His sister is more than a capable of taking care of herself and so is his mom. I haven’t asked my older siblings for help since I was a teen because I know they have their own families and lives and it’s not their job to pay for me since I’m an adult and should
Be taking care of myself..

Like his sis works part time and I’m not sure about his mom but she didn’t work for almost a year and idk how much she works now

Whatever

I honestly think I’m a better influence on him. His family is holding him back from having his own life & future ... they’re literally using him (hence they’ve stolen money from him without asking him) to pick up for their slack. I’m trying to get a place w him, then get married then have kids. He’s never moved out and he’s 25...

It's not the point.
It's his family and his money, it's his decision to help them or not. You can help him figure things out, but you're acting like you're entitled to his money and his stuff just because you're his girlfriend.
You're being a fucking cunt.

Let him figure out his stuff and help him. If you want to move in with him so bad, find a job and pay for both of you.

you should consider how devoted he is to his family as a positive attribute if you see a future with him and starting a family together. go ahead and give the ultimatum of move in together or break-up by X date, you'll get a result one way or another

Shit are you in Australia? You dont live in Logan by any chance?

We been togetjrr for three years and have been trying to move in for over a year.

I’m definitely not paying for both of us. When he couldn’t move out two years ago, I got a place with roommates and he still lived at home. I moved back bc he said we would move together but then he kept not having money and it’s a year later and I’m just gonna get my own place again and break up with him becaus it’s ridiculous ....

I don’t wanna lose a partner or have him stuck at home his whole life and missing out on so much. Like his sister who’s 28 and never had a boyfriend, moved out, and is still a virgin. I care about my bf and don’t want that for him so that’s why I’m acting like this. His family
Doesn’t care or
Are ignorant/lazy & I don’t think their the best influence on him. I know if I moved out and neeedrd help my mom would send me money and be proud of me for supporting myself, not the other way around ..

True but I also
Don’t want his sister/mom acting like our kids for our life, making me & my kids have less because his sister needs money to fix her car or his mom is unemployed for a year and needs rent money

>Is he wrong or am I ?

You are wrong. It's his money. You aren't his spouse. You don't have kids together. He has absolutely no financial obligation to you. You have no right to tell him how to spend his money.

You KNOW how he behaves. Regardless how foolish you believe his behavior is, you know this is who he is. YOU are the foolish one for expecting him to change.

Don't be in a relationship waiting for someone to change. You should be figuring out if you can accept it in light of all the positive qualities you do like, and if you can't, get out of the relationship.

This is bullshit to the extreme. "I want to dress up and eat" may be some sort of special experience for you, but in terms of value when the two of you are already struggling, this is stupid.

No matter how foolish you think your boyfriend is being for spending money on his family, they're his family and he's spending money on things he sees as being actual needs.

Spending $700 for car repair will have practical value beyond one night. Eating an expensive meal does nothing practical for you that a meal at a 10th of the price won't do.

If YOU want the experience so badly, then YOU save the money and pay for it. What, is it any less special if you're the one paying for it?

He's living there too, right? Probably rent-free for the most part. What do you think the right move for him would have been, to not pay and everyone gets evicted?

>I plan on having a family with him and stuff in couple of years

Did you let him in on your plans? Is he on board with where the two of you are going to need to be financially for this to happen? If you think the answer to these first two questions is yes, do you think his behavior actually reflects that this is something he's actually working toward?

>I don’t want his sister/mom to basically be our children

That's a reasonable desire but probably an unreasonable expectation if you stay with this guy.

Why aren't you paying for you both?
Couples help each other. If he wants to help his family and can't afford being with you, then cover it financially for a while till he can figure his stuff out. Make a sacrifice.

You're being entitled and stupid. I hope you break up with him and he can find a girl who cares about him and doesn't just want to milk him.
If his family doesn't have money and they need help, it's good that he steps in and help. You're just a spoiled brat.

Bc I don’t have money to pay for both, hence why I got roommates and would seek out roommates. I can’t pay for a whole place by myself

My family is struggling too but I don’t help them . Bc I’m not in a place too. We are grown adults and take care of our own problems . My siblings don’t work part time teenager level jobs and ask the one sibling who has a little
But if money to help pick up gbeir slack

>He shouldn't enable his mother's/sister's laziness though.
This x 100. Helping your family is great, but his sister and mother should try harder.
I know a girl who got used to being helped by her brother and even though she works (minimum wage, but still), she never has any money because she buys stuff that is either too expensive (phone / laptop) or unnecessary, like Netflix / Spotify / gym that she never goes to.

Sounds like his priority is his actual family, not you
I think it's time you leave. This behavior is unlikely to change

Do you want the relationship to develop or stay as it is never doing anything normal together? Be more assertive about what you want, his family can get by without him. If he doesn't want to move on then maybe you should.

Ya probably. That’s why I said if we don’t move in by sept I’m moving and we are breaking up. It sounds like a threat/ultimatum but what the hell, times ticking and I have goals I wanna accomplish ...

I’m prettty sure
She only makes enough to buy food and she eats out a lot.

Why are you waiting any longer? You should talk to him now.
As someone who has seen family be dependent on one breadwinner, these people are unlikely to change. On the one hand, I think he would be a shitty son if he didn't help his mom and dad who are presumably old and semi useless, but on the other he probably shouldn't help his deadbeat sister. However, as he said he feels it's his money and he chooses to spend it on them, not his future with you.

I've seen this in my own life in two or three angles.
There was a guy I was interested in a long time ago who was studying to be a doctor. He had two brothers one was in law school and the other was basically like at grocery store employee who was going out with another grocery store employee and they kept getting pregnant and having lots of kids and that's were completely broke because they had shity jobs no education and no money.

The guy kept giving those people money, and I was like why is it your responsibility to help your brother why don't you tell them to stop getting pregnant or not get another kid and have an abortion.
He also was constantly helping his mom.

Among other reasons I've decided I didn't want a mama's boy because I doubted this Behavior would change even when he was a rich doctor.

Also I've seen the same thing with certain family members. My sister would constantly ask my mom for help with her kids even though her husband had a good job and she didn't have to work she would still ask my mom to come over constantly. Then my sister got divorced and became broke and now she mooches off my parents for several years.

My parents feel obligated to help her even though she could easily get a number of different kinds of jobs she refuses.

People don't always help those who are the most deserving and they don't always say Hey listen it's not my responsibility to take care of you you're an adult take care of yourself. Or they pick and choose who to say this to.

So therefore I think if you really love this dude and see a future with him then give him an ultimatum.

Just say I know you love your family and want to help them but I want to prioritize our future, and that means we would plan to move in together and start making financial decisions together. That doesn't include bailing out your family all the time no matter the circumstances.

If he's not into it you have your answer and you might as well move on to someone who actually wants to prioritize you.

Also work on getting a better job yourself so you're not dependent on some dude to move in together.

Thanks that’s totally right.

Whenever I put my foot down he just gets mad and says “wow well you’re threatening me” or “so you’re gonna break up if I don’t have money”’and stuff like that. But this has been an ongoing thing and if I could pay my half he should be able to pay his.


I hope it works out, but I have a feeling he won’t come through:( and I’ll have to decide to move on or not. Part of me thinks I should wait, bc we do otherwise have a good relationship, but the other part of me knows he is kinda wasting my time at that point...

I think rather than having a halfway relationship you should rethink your priorities. The next goal in your life shouldn't be "living together" it should be having a good life and finding a partner who shares your values. Living together is a scam for people who actually want to get married.

If you're cool just hanging out with him in casual way that's fine, then live separately and don't meddle in each other's finances and family life.
If you're wanting more than that you should be honest with yourself and him.

This isn't about how much money you have or don't have, it's about how y'all spend the money you do have. And frankly, if you don't have the extra $500 to fix your car, you're not ready to move out. Live wherever you're living now and stop worrying about fancy dinners and fancy dresses and start saving your money like mad because you sound broke.

I've had relationship where the person is filthy rich and wouldn't spend a dime on me, and relationship where the person makes minimum wage and would still spend their last dime on me.

No matter the situation, you want a person who is generous and loving with their time, emotions, and money.

You honestly don't sound mature enough to move in with anybody right now.

Even moving in with a roommate, you will have to share and lose money when the person uses up your food/toothpaste, etc and I don't think you're quite ready for that.

If you want to simplify shit,you're the one in the wrong here. You're with a guy that's falling short of making you happy and secure. You've talked about it to him(Good job might I add as that's not a skill most women show when there's a problem) and he just talks shit. He's doing what he wants and you're not so move yourself out of the equation rather than being apart of it.

Also
>Don't be in a relationship waiting for someone to change.
Best advice in the whole thread IMO