I think I hate my boyfriend

I think I hate my boyfriend.

We are a couple living together after roughly 9 months of continental LDR. we have struggled a lot as I am a hyper emotional person while he is emoytionally stunted. We have had many fights and through the tears and bitterness I kept thinking that the person I had met irl was somewhere in there in the months of distance. He has been living in my place for the past two months and while we have still had miscommunicationd and bad days I felt like things were picking up. However, I keep finding myself wondering what I actually see in him. He is nothing like the person I met the first time and I honestly find him a bit pathetic, sad and kind of a loser. He also has tendencies of manipulation and avoidance and I generally feel like a caretaker.

Anyone here with similar problems?

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Yeah, the two people I've met who could be described as hyper emotional were giant (wo)manbabies that felt that they were shouldering the majority of everything when in reality they just placed undue importance on things that no one cared about.

Some things of note:
We are both diagnosed with depression, though I also have anxiety. He has an eating disorder and some unnamed ones as he refuses to see a doctor, saying ‘I got my problems fixed already’ when I bring it up (I sent him to the hospital once when he had a meltdown when I confronted him about some lies he had told me)
He lies frequently.
He will twist and turn arguments so they suit him and tells me its because he is ‘trying to word it differently so i understand it’.
He has textfucked some anonymous people online via MMO rp while we were ldr, which I found out by notification messages on his phone when I was visiting him and checking the time.
I was trying to cheer him up about having a glass of soda and telling him it was ok for him to have it as he has a physically demanding job here and went to say ‘Look at me, i eat a bunch of crap and i am skinnyfat at best’ to which he started laughing at me.
He has genuine racist and sexist tendencies and I am also concerned about his fondness for nazi culture.
All he does in his free time is browse Jow Forums, play video games and discuss said video games on discord. I feel like a mom nagging her son when I want him to do anything thats not wasting his life at the computer.

I just dont find it pleasant to be around him because I constantly have to adjust to how he is feeling. If I ever ask him to do anything its a fucking chore and he feels pressured if I ask anything of him for myself.
He continously forgets 90% pf things i tell him or he tells me and doesnt understand that I get frustrated when he tells me the same thing fpor the 6th time that week.


I just dont know what to do because he is here because of our ‘love’ and its certainly better than his life back home, but all i can think about is how much I miss my ex in comparison (we do not talk and I have no plans to talk to them again).
I feel like a shitty person but I am also so fucking fed up. The few times ive told him to go home he just tells me I am giving up.

I just dont know what to do.

What even made you fall for him in the first place? You don't sound like you like him. What about him is special/attractive?

It doesn't matter.

Op you just aren't into him. To the dump!

When we first met he was really confident, unafraid and a bit private so I never really knew anything about him.
The real kicker, which is probably really sad when I think about it, was that I had previously suffered from vaginismus, I dont know how I got it but having sex gad always been a painful experience for me, with him I managed to overcome that and have sex comfortably for the first time in my 25+ years of life, with his help i also managed to achieve my first orgasm and sex is no longer a big trauma for me.
It makes me sad to think about but I think that painted our relationship for me, and since we couldnt really have sex ldr and he had no interest in being sexual with me during ldr it probably just made me really resentful.

just tell him it's not working out

plenty of people love each other but can't live together

Well of course it's sad but staying in the relationship because you're afraid to be sad is more sad.

Are you german OP? That doesn't sound like there is anything worth keeping about him. Cut the ties now and start healing, before you wait longer and make it even harder on yourself.

Dear user.

End the relationship
Grow up
Find an adult to have a relationship with
You'll be happier
It's really that simple

He owes me a lot of money as well, about 2000 euros. He has a job here that will make him more money than he could ever make back home. I feel like I should wait until he has paid me back at least...

Money is just that.

So you suck up a resentful relationship for 2k? For how long? That's just stupid.

Listen to yourself.

If you are strong enough to hold out that long AND successfully get him to pay you back, then that's a good idea because he will probably burn you.

Until she gets paid back dipshit

2k euros is no joke.

You miss the point entirely. In doing so, you've shown you're basically a child.

2k is shit. Your over all mental health, sense of worth, and avoiding a worsening situation is more important.

OP. You've got enough shit that needs fixing. The boyfriend won't fix it. He will make it worse.

Cut your losses , consider it a lesson learned , and work on getting your own life in order

Calling me a child because you're too immature to grasp the situation is childish.

If she can get what is owed then she is better for it.

Congratulations on being able to call people children though, that demonstrates wisdom.

>idiot

Well you are hyper emotional so when you say you had fights maybe you are the one starting them and causing conflict?
You say you feel like a caretaker, are you constantly picking after him and he does nothing? Or are you failing to nottice what he is actually doing because you are upset that nothing is working out
My dad was hyper emotional and living with him was a nightmare because you never knew what little random thing was going to piss him off, even if you where extremely carefull to do every little thing perfectly he may be mad about something else and randomly explode on you
Hyper emotional people can be impossible to handle especially when they are completely unaware of the way they act and the things they do and you can't even bring it up withou getting attacked, I don't know how your specific case is like but if it's anything like mine be aware of these things
When you are being too demanding
When you are punishing people for the way you feel
When you expect people to read your mind
When you assign too much value to a situation
When you don't take into account others as human beings
When your response to something is too extreme (someone forgot to wash the dishes so you broke something he owns)

Read OPs post carefully.
Notice all the metal health issues
Realize how easily that can escalate into physical abuse

How much is mental health and personal safety worth to you?

This isn't going to get better. It WILL escalate at some stage to emotional&physical abuse.

2k euro is shit, comparatively.

Jesus fucking Christ. I knew you were a pussy. Op said she feels like she should recoup the money. Your negativity and fear could get her burnt whereas otherwise she could possibly be at least getting her money back. You are the child here.

>This guy owes me money
>So I will let him keep living with me and mooching from me so he gives me my money back
Want to see those 2k euros become 3k euros?

Telling me to reread the most because you're too weak to give op support for her goal, recouping the debt and getting out is pathetic.

Using fear to scream her away from that goal is cowardly.

Nothing about this says escalation to me at all. If she can get the money that's the BEST scenario. If she can't, then that's that.

Your suggestion is called giving up.

It's why I'm gonna be making four times what you make in ten years.

No you faggot she said he's working and has the potential to pay her back.

It's like you were so busy being a whiny little pap smear that YOU forgot to read the post.

Op talk to him seriously about paying you back, and base your decision on when you leave on that. If you think it'll be too long and you don't want to stay that long then go. It's simple.

I have considered all of these things as well and I will admit that I got way worse after the stupid MMo eRP incident. Before that I generallt just got sad and would blame myself if things were bad, for about half a year all I did was cry about what a terrible gf I was that wanted affection from someone who couldnt give it and so on. After the incident, though, I no longer get sad, I get very angry. Part of our problems do come from me having anger issues, though I take medication and I am also seeing a therapist for this.
All the examples you mentioned are things I have done, though very rarelt and I do catch myself. However, he is undeniably having trouble existing beyond «being sad, not eating and playing video games». an example: he wants to apply to a less physically demanding job, tells me to be strict with him, then says i am being pushy when i remind him to apply for work once a day.
I know its not just him, its me too.

@other anons: he makes enough money to pitch in to buy food, but he is currently paying down a credit card debt of about 400 euros.
I am also concerned that if I send him home he is going to legit commit suicide. i feel trapped as all hell.

He's not gonna kill himself, but it is gonna be tragic for him. I was in his position once, and it sucks, but if you don't want to fix things it's what must be done. Just because you break up with him doesn't mean you don't care and you can still make him realize you do once you have broken up.

I wish I could believe you, but man some of the stuff he has told me...
Before I sent him to the hospital he would tell me, and i quote: «i wish you would stop caring about me so i could finally die» «if i could i would go into the woods and just disappear one day» «once ive paid down my debts i can finally die».
and after i sent him to the hospital and he recovered, some: «i dont know what i would do without you (referring to me)» «i dreamt i didnt have you anymore and it was so scary»
he frequently dreams such things and seems shaken up by it.
I wish I were stronger and could help him, but I feel ive met my limit.

>being a whiny little pap smear
hehe

I was just aware that I have been gaslighted for 8 years by my boyfriend and just recently broke it off. He used the same tactics as you mention. He tries to make you feel like your pain isn't real, but it is. It's not going to change. He won't grow to accommodate or understand your hyper-emotiobal needs.you need to leave this mess and don't think about the guilt (beit unnecessary) you feel because it isn't going to be worth it down the road

what is gaslighting?

Break up with him. If you feel disgust for him after only 9 months, then it isn't going to work out without some serious change. Better to break up and move on.

It's a real thing that has sadly been turned into another overused buzzword by retards

SO WHAT THE FUCK IS IT, CUUUNT???

Just look it up you cretin, I'm not spoonfeeding you

JUST CUT YOUR LOSSES AND BREAK UP OP

You're bagholding a depreciating asset here, and you need to exit at a loss. It's ok.

>falling for such sociopathic behaviour so hard

you realize he doesnt lve you, right?

This is why LDRs seldom work. It's so much easier to fall in love with the idea of someone over the internet.

Let me ask you a question... what is your reason for not breaking up with him as this point?

He lives here and owes me money and I would be scared he would hurt himself if I did.

>I am a hyper emotional person while he is emoytionally stunted
You've fatigued him and he's withdrawn as a defense mechanism. Welcome to men.

Ever heard of the phrase “cut your losses and run?” This is where that applies.

Either kick him out or leave, forget about the money, and whatever happens to him is not your problem, and is probably just another manipulation tactic on his part.

Get out OP, this isn't your problem. See if you can get the money, but if he uses it to string you along call his bluff. Involve his parents if you have to. I get 2k is nothing to sneeze at but you need to move on for both of your sakes.

Maybe there is a part of me that wants all of this to get better? i mean, my biggest issue nowadays is that I am always angry so he is always on edge and its hard to get him to function normally. I also dont trust him, which he knows, which also causes him to retreat more.
It frustrates me that we are like this because I never used to be like this. And he is a different person now, a kind of sad, meek, and depressed boy. My plans was to send him to therapy once he gets his immigration papers in order and see if he can get some professional help.

See him for who he currently is, not what he used to be or what he could possibly be. Base your decisions on how things are right now.

Goodnight.

You're posting this at a very detailed level in a place he frequents, I think on some level you might want him to see this

Tell him to clean his room

Yeah, i knew it was about me. At least i know the truth now.

he doesnt go to Jow Forums

he is asleep right now so it isnt you, but if you recognize yourself here then idk what to tell you

OP, 2000€ is no small amount, and trying to agree with him on a schedule for paying this back might prove impossible, especially that he has other debt too. Now, can he get a second job? I'm also from a poor country but I never owed 400€ to anyone, let alone 2k.
Talk to him about working more / harder to pay his debts in the foreseeable future.
If the math does not work, kick him out and stop your losses.