What can you do when you’ve already done everything you wanted to do in life, no longer want to do anything at all, and 60-80 years is too long to wait for death?
I don’t want to spend the rest of my life as a cripple from a failed suicide attempt, and I am apparently very hard to poison. It’d have to be something with 100% chances of success, and due to not being an american, I don’t have free access to firearms.
Explore, and find new things you want to do. If you can't find anything, create something.
What can I explore? I’ve been on several continents and I’ve found I don’t like travelling.
I’ve done arts. It turns out I don’t like them, either.
What do you dislike about these things?
Travelling is a waste of time and money. Everywhere looks like it does on everyome else’s photographs, and on atop of that it smells like piss and you might get robbed.
I don’t like singing because I’ve got an ugly voice and nobody wants to hear me sing. I also have nothing worthwhile to say.
I don’t like painting anymore because I can’t think of anything worth painting, and in the end making them exist is only a waste of materials.
I don’t like writing because I’ve been trying to write a book for ten years and simply could not produce anything worthwhile. Thousands of pages of unpublishable garbage. I hate writing.
>Travelling is a waste of time and money. Everywhere looks like it does on everyome else’s photographs
What was your reasoning for your travel? Did you take the time to explore the location culture and scenes? I can sort of understand one mound of dirt not being much different from another certainly, but every city you visit tells a different story if you're willing to listen to it.
>I don’t like singing because I’ve got an ugly voice and nobody wants to hear me sing. I also have nothing worthwhile to say.
To not like something simply because you aren't good at it isn't reason enough to dismiss it. Everybody has to learn, user. As well, I'm sure you've much to tell, even if you don't necessarily see value in your own perspective. Music can express anything, even apathy.
>I don’t like painting anymore because I can’t think of anything worth painting, and in the end making them exist is only a waste of materials.
What is your concern with the "waste" of materials? They've already been made and harvested, to not use them would be more of a waste. If you can't think of anything to paint, just fling your paint at the canvas until you can see the shapes take place, and see what you end up with. There's no rule that says you have to be good at it.
>I don’t like writing because I’ve been trying to write a book for ten years and simply could not produce anything worthwhile. Thousands of pages of unpublishable garbage. I hate writing.
Do you hate writing sheerly due to the fact that you feel you haven't been able to produce a significant work?
It's almost beginning to sound like perhaps you may be depressed from a fruitless search for a legacy.
I don’t like food, I don’t like sex, I don’t like sleep and I don’t like sports.
What else is life, other than a fruitless search for a legacy?
Don't you find that odd?
There are so many on this planet that are compelled by emotion to do amazing things, and yet you claim to lack what is so fundamental to our existence.
Have you considered talking to any professionals regarding this issue?
My psychologist says that I’m too logical.
I don’t get how I’m expected to be any less logical when she won’t prescribe me any of the good drugs.
Ahah, yeah some people aren't always the greatest at their jobs. It took my friend quite a while to find somebody who sincerely cared, as well.
I'd check if there is anybody else available in your area. It can be easy to discount the aid of a health professional after such experiences, but finding somebody decent can make a world of difference.
That would probably be the avenue that I would recommend for now. I know it can be kind of a scary thought to take something mind altering, many worry about losing themselves or changing who they are as a person. It's important to remember that it's okay to need a little bit of extra help. When you find something that works, it doesn't have to become your life. You can think of it as a short term solution to get back on your feet, and work towards finding other solutions.
That’s not how it works around here. The last time I tried switching therapists I was flatly told no and fuck you. I attempted suicide for the first time after that, and they did nothing.
Dude I would literally take any drug that was offered to me, but there are no drugs where I’m from. Just none. There aren’t. This is a drug desert.
My last home town had 29 000 people in it and the entire drug sales monopoly was run by a 17-year-old kid, who is still the only weed man that I’ve ever known.
That's quite unfortunate. I really don't understand how they can pull that kind of shit sometimes.
How does it work? I know it sounds like a bit of a pain, but would even driving to a different town be an option?
you dislike life because you dont want to like it.
everything you hate, you hate because you despise yourself. get an exit bag, its not that hard to kill yourself but you could as well just be useful for the world youre part of. as long as your brain stays wired the wa it is you will feel miserable. but thnk god neural plasticity is a thing and you can literally just convince your brain to conceive anything the way you'd like to
Well, the matter is
1. There are no drugs
2. Drugs - ALL drugs - are extremely illegal here
3. It’s considered rude to talk to strangers.
If I went to the capital and walked up to the kind of a stranger who looks like they do drugs and was like ”hello where can I buy drugs”, I’d most likely get stabbed, robbed and put to jail for trying to buy drugs.
The person who stabbed me would get a shorter sentence than me.
You just don’t buy drugs in Finland.
I see. That does complicate things quite a bit.
You save you've done a lot of traveling, have you ever considered a more permanent relocation?
I don’t see how that would help.
It turns out I don’t like warm climates and the language barrier is exhausting to deal with. I don’t know if I could get equally good social and health care anywhere else, either.
The only upside to living anywhere else than Finland would be cheaper alcohol. And better access to drugs, I guess.
Haha, don't like warm climates, huh? You should come to Canada. 9 months of the year are winter here. Plenty of small towns around larger city centers if you don't like being around people. They're not too shy about trying drugs first, either. That said, there can be some fairly long waits for psychologists.
It is a big deal though, user. This is your life, and you only get one. It's clear that your countries healthcare is failing you, so staying as you are really only leads to one end. Maybe it helps, maybe it doesn't, but you won't know until you try. Don't give up on yourself.
I can’t stand living in small places. I’m a medium-sized-city -person, a place has to be big enough to have a liquor store and a functioning library.
There is nothing to give up on. I’m simply done. I’ve already done everything I ever wanted to do. I only have some paperwork and a few things I need to fix before I exit, but save for them, I’m ready to put the bag over my head.
My life is all wrapped up. Every box has been checked, the only way to go from here is down.
Even our small towns tend to have those amenities around here.
How do you know that's all you've wanted to do though?
Because there is nothing more I want to touch.
Everywhere I look is a pile of garbage I don’t want to touch.
Could you give an example of your thoughts regarding a specific activity?
What is it that you often come to dislike?
It's the "Is that all there is?" syndrome, not uncommon among those who have achieved what looks like success from the outside.
Your life has been a string of short-term goals - get good grades, get into college, graduate, get a job, etc - and you've run out of goals.
So create new ones. Determine to get married, learn a language, sail around the world, make your first million, whatever.
It hardly matters what, as long as you hang a carrot in front of yourself and start chasing it.
Imagine buying a horse.
You don’t like horses. That thing costs thousands, smells like shit and wants to eat your fingers. It’s fragile as hell and stupid as shit, and does nothing all day except make plans on how to injure itself in the most fucking expensive and retarded way so you’ll have to bankrupt yourself on vet bills.
You’d have spend so fucking much money to rent a stable every month and then go shovel a ton of shit from the stall every single day, literally knees and elbows deep in horse shit, while your horse stands there eating more hay in order to produce maximum amounts of shit.
And the hay costs money, too. And the caring. And the other tools, that the horse is busy eating and breaking while it’s not thinking of ways to break its own legs. You have to spend hours every single day taking care of this stupid idiot fucking slab of meat that is too fucking stupid to even stay alive.
You’re just pouring time and effort straight-up right down the fucking drain.
Now, consider this:
Investing in any activity at all feels like buying a horse.
I speak 5 languages, I literally couldn’t get someone’s romantic attention to save my life, and I’ve travelled and didn’t like it.
I don’t want anything anymore. Childish, arbitrary goals won’t do it for me, anymore. I can’t fool myself with fool’s gold, literally nothing has any objective value.
Jesus man, that's an amazing explanation. It's too bad you gave up on that book. I'd buy it.
I think I understand a little bit better.
So then what was it that made your chosen focuses so much more worthwhile to you?
You wouldn’t have touched any of my book attempts. Nobody else did.
And I’m not sure what you mean, but if you’re asking about the previous goals I used to have, they were all stuff that I literally had to do, things I was expected and supposed to do. Finish school, move out, get a job, try having a relationship. I’ve done everything that was expected of me, I’ve completed the game and want to quit now.
I don't know about that. You've got a unique and unconventional perspective.
So it's all just sort of been a means to an end, huh. I'm surprised you've done as much as you have, if that's the burden you've been carrying.
Life can be better though, user. It doesn't have to be grey. Perhaps it's difficult to understand anything different from what you know, or maybe you already have your own preconceptions regarding the general populace, but you can be happy, and I'm certain you can find purpose. You just need the opportunity.
I know you must be exhausted, but please, try to take one more stride. Get yourself into a position where you can get the help you need in order to enjoy your life. Just one more good try.
I’m seeing a psychologist as we speak. It has done nothing to make me see unsee what has already been seen.
The world is a simple, clear and logical place that simply does not have a place for me.
This is the same psychologist you've been stuck with. You're doing the same thing, and expecting different results. You need to find somebody that works for you. Just because one bears the the certificates doesn't mean that they're going to have the same perspective, or the same insight as another. Can you claim that this psychologist is objectively the best in their field, and committed to helping you in any way they can?
How exactly are you crippled from suicide attempt?
Yes. She’s got good points every once in a while, actually listens and speaks a mutual language as me.
3/3 compared to my previous psychologist, who was 0/3.
I am not yet, and don’t intend to take the risk to do so.
You can end up in a wheelchair from not jumping high enough, end up with permanent organ damage from inefficient poison, just fuck up your ligaments from cutting yourself wrong, the possibilities are endless.
Have you considered speaking to them about the pursuit of more direct options?
Perhaps they're in a better position to advise and recommend you to someplace outside Finland where you'd be able to take a trip for medical relief.
That is not how finnish health care works. Or how mental health care works. Or how anything at all works.
I just spent 6 weeks in Spain in warmth, nice climate and constant direct sunlight and I still want to die.
I'm not talking about sunbathing, I'm talking about getting medication. They've got to be able to do something for you.
I’ve been on every medication they’ve been able to think of and legally offer.
I was even lined up for electric shock therapy until they decided that psychotherapy is a better option.
>psychotherapy
Has that actually ever helped anybody, ever?