I know I've heard it somewhere that most divorces start with a household project. I need to vent and no one in my life will even let me tell my side of this story without interrupting me and telling me I'm wrong.
I've been with my wife almost 12 years, this September will be 10yr wedding anniversary. We dont fight often, but that's mostly because I just shut up, shake my head and walk away.
So I'm here to tell a story about my bathroom. When my wife and I first got married, she didn't want to combine our finances because "(she) didn't want to drag (me) down." But every time I start making headway on my credit card debt, shes right there begging me to charge something for the house or for us, usually something significant like a vacation or a piece of furniture, and won't drop it for days or weeks until i give in; no matter how many times i say "I dont want to do this because you never pay me back" eventually she gets her way and I'm left with more debt and nothing but empty promises. (We're literally at $1600 on the last $13k). So this story starts with her talking for years about a bathroom remodel, me always saying we can't afford to gut it and do it right, her replying when are we going to be able to afford it, me when are you going to help me pay for (lawnmower, couch, generator, xmas2015, etc), and her not giving me any kind of timeframe. So one day I discover a shower leak by literally stepping through the bathroom floor. Little piece of floor between the vanity and shower that's not a normal traffic area, my foot goes through the tile, underlayment and subflooring into the basement. She starts with we need to remodel, do you have any space on your home depot cc. I say "yes, but if we do this, this time needs to be different, you need to help me pay for this."
Pic semi related
We've had fights over projects before over the years and 8ve told her flat out "I want nothing to do with you when it comes to projects because you refuse to take no for an answer when you ask me if I want help. I want nothing to do with projects because you talk to me like I dont k ow what I'm doing because you dont understand what I'm doing. I dont want anything to do with projects because you want instant results on a shoe string budget and I want to take my time, do it to the best of my ability, and never have to worry about it again, etc.
So I start pulling in things we need that are cheaper online, and during that time we discover that our 4" cast iron main line out to our septic tank is starting to fail. I tell her repeatedly this bathroom remodel is not starting until that pipe is replaced. I orchestrate with her cousin the plumber, tell him everything he needs to know, tell my wife she and her mother need to clean their crap out of that area of the basement repeatedly for weeks. Then one day I'm helping my dad with some wiring at his place and she calls me, tells me the basements clean, "what's the next step?" I say "call your cousin, tell him we're ready." H: "I dont know what we need, what can I be doing, etc."
"Call your cousin, tell him we're ready, I'm not taking anything else apart until that pipes done." H:"I dont know what to tell him, blah blah blah blah." M:"tell him were ready, he knows what we need." H: "what's the next step, what can I be doing?" M: "call your fucking cousin, ask him when he can start, dont do anything else." I hang up the phone and get chewed out by my dad for my attitude.
Put a lock on the door. Tell her that she can use the hose or start contributing to the home.
There's more to the story. Back in a few
Sooooo glad I just fuck them and tell them to go...
She pays electric, phone, cable, gas, I pay mortgage, it's about even. It's not like she doesn't contribute, but more like my opinion in is invalid.
Then why do you stay? You’re going to miserably stuck with her until hopefully she dies and then you will be too old looking to attract the cute young girls.
>So I'm here to tell a story about my bathroom
Why are you listening to anything she says? You are in charge of this. She gets to pick the color of the paint or something. That's it.
Just ignore her and do what you want. If she wants something different let her get a second job and pay for it.
>Sooooo glad I just fuck them and tell them to go...
But you're missing all the joys of marital bliss
Meh, sounds like you married a space cadet that can't focus on shit.
I know that feeling. There are sometimes I want to snap my woman's neck for just outright ignoring me when I am telling her what to do or where to go.
You know how I fixed it? I stopped viewing her as an equal person when she started doing that shit and instead literally treat her like she's retarded. Lots of calm explaining, letting it go when she inevitably fucks up, etc.
It works. Give it a shot. If she gets mad, stay calm, repeat your points and don't engage in the fight. She will either blow it off after venting or walk away mad or become hostile. You stay calm, you win. You lose your cool, you lose the conflict.
Winning this way will cause bad girlfriends and wives to leave, so use caution.
So septic line gets replaced, we start moving on demo. Part of this situation is adding a second bathroom in the basement. Something we've been planning and shopping for for years. We start laying out the floor plan for the second bathroom and she starts arguing with me about a shower stall, flat out denying that we've looked at and talked about a shower repeatedly over the years. Big argument, my last words "it goes up my ass a mile sideways that when you dont remember something there not even any concession in your brain that maybe it happened and you dont remember, I'm always wrong or lying about it having happened."
We lay out the plan, and I tell her "buy a 24"square vanity or I'll custom build one to hide the plumbing (from the in floor septic pump)." She buys an 36"wide vanity that's only 18" deep. I modify it so its 36x24, and she starts complaining about how much floor space were losing. I ignore her and move on. I repeatedly tell her i dont want help hanging drywall. Literally say "I dont want help, I'll tell you when I'm ready for tape because you're better at tape than I am." She inserts herself anyway, I dont argue. I'm leaving for work one day and the last thing I say on my way out the door "dont tape the seams outside the room, I'm not sure if I have to take it apart again once I figure out what were doing for a heater." I come home from work and not only is it taped, all the drywall is skim coated with plaster. I ask her why and its "well you can take it apart and I'll redo it."
I shake my head and move on. I tell her repeatedly I dont need help cutting and installing trim. She takes the last piece out of my hand, I tell her 3 times "dont cut that, I'll be right up to deal with it. She cuts it, screws it up, I tell her I cant use it, she proceeds to stain it anyway. I have to leave for work, so I pick up my table saw and put it away, tell her I'll redo the piece she messed up tomorrow.
Dude, just leave her. No one wants to read your drama...
moar
piss off nigger
I dont have a workshop so I keep larger seldom used tools in my shed. I took my tablesaw out by myself, went to put it away alone as I'm leaving for work, tell her I'll redo the piece she screwed up tomorrow. She tries to help put the saw away, I pick it up and walk away from her with it. "I'm all set." She gets all butthurt, I point to the trim, which she has finished staining "I told you I didn't want help," I pick up the piece she screwed up, throw it at my woodpile outside, "I told you I cant use this, you stained it anyway," I point to my shed, "I took out the saw alone, I didn't ask for help putting it away." I get chewed out that night in private for giving her shit in front of her mother.
So bathroom gets finished except for the ceiling. I lay out the plan, what materials, time frame, etc. Leaving for work one day and the last thing I say on my way out the door, "tomorrow I'm taking apart that wall so I can install the heat, then I'll do the ceiling after I run the heater lines." That night when I get home from work, the basement has been reorganized and there's a shelves and a pile of stuff in front of that wall. I ask about it and its "oh, I'll move it when you're ready." I start focusing my efforts on upstairs.
I ask a friend to help demo, I tell her repeatedly I dont want help. I grab a large heavy duty trash can to move the horse hair plaster and lathe from inside out to a dumpster. Were working for a while and I get a call that my grandmothers sink is spraying water all over her kitchen. I take off for 20 minutes. I get back, she and my friend are doing demo, using a small cheap trashcan to move the stuff. I get back in there. Ask her to hand me the trash can i was using, i get this long spiel about how its too big, too heavy, blah blah. I say, "dont fill it all the way." She ignores me and keeps talking. I say "I asked for the barrel I was using, not why you didn't use it. I would rather fill a heavy duty barrel half way,
You dont have to read it. I said I needed to vent. I'm venting.
>We start laying out the floor
we've looked at and talked about
We lay out the plan
floor space were losing
She inserts herself anyway, I dont argue
Get her out of there you moron. Do it yourself and tell her to shut up and leave you alone. That's all.
If I was doing a project with a buddy I wouldn't put up with that shit.
Holy fuck, how are you two at each other's throats this much?
You sound like you actually despise each other; divorce doesn't sound like a horrible option.
Would rather fill a heavy duty barrel half way and not have to worry about ripping a handle off than fill a cheap barrel full and have another mess to clean." She stands there and keeps telling me why she stopped using the big barrel over and over while I walk past and grab the big barrel, go back to demo.
So up to this point every decision we've made on paint, decor, etc is based on a green marble floor tile that I bought on clearance, (after showing her a pic and getting an ok). So we do a reclaimed multi colored pallet wood accent wall, repeatedly throughout that project i tell her "if you're working on this and I'm not here, stop a couple rows before you hit the floor, I want plenty of space to tile." I come home from work one day and the wood is an inch from the floor. Her reply when questioned, "well if you dont want it there, just take it off." M: " I don't want it there, I told you at least 3 times. Why cant you listen instead of making more work?"
I take one row off and start to dry fit the tile because it's a natural stone and every piece is different. I send her a pic because shes st work, and she starts mincing about over whether she can live with it or not. At this point I'm ducking done. My reply to every question becomes "I dont care." Or "do whatever you want. " she tries to get me to go pick out a new tile, I refuse. She goes buys black granite floor tile off the clearance rack at a different store, proceeds to tell me at least 10 different ways that she loves it and it cant be returned because it was on clearance. I repeatedly tell her i dont care and she just keeps repeating herself like I'm an idiot who doesn't comprehend what shes saying, or lol like shes deliberately trying to get a rise out of me.
Were not at each other's throats, she just refused to accept my opinion about anything and I'm way past over it.
What about other aspects of the marriage? Your story sounds insufferable but I have a hard time believing that any relationship can make it through ten years without chinks opening up.
Meh, venting is what /b/ is for.
This isn't an advice thread.
Especially since OP shuns all reasonable advice.
So I have to go rent a patio paver saw because the tile cutter I bought cant handle the tile she bought. I once again tell her repeatedly I dont want help. I tile about a third of the floor, need to mix more mortar. Decide to take a break for a minute, stretch my legs, tell her again I dont need help, she jumps right in my grave and starts laying tile despite she has no idea what shes doing. I stand over her and tell her at least 4 times , "I'm all set I want to get back in there." She doesn't even acknowledge I'm speaking to her. She finishes the tile. Next day she starts talking about paint. I repeatedly tell her I dont care, angrier and angrier every time I tell her. She says "I know you're upset I vetoed the tile decision, I want you to be involved in the decisions, come with me to look at paint." So I go. I don't go to the paint department of hone depot, I shop for other things I need. She comes to me with a couple brown samples. I say the whole house is hearthstone, we need color. She comes back with 5 samples, I say whatever, she repeats "I want you to be involved in the decision making." So I pick a seafoam green, she buys 2 gallons, on the way out of the store I saw a dewalt 18v power took on the clearance rack. I pulled it down, looked at it, put it back and walked away. She asked whts up, I say " I dont need a cordless jigsaw and that's not a good enough deal to buy it anyway."
So she paints the bathroom while I'm at work, I come home, she asks what I think, I say "it looks good, I like it." She starts with I dont know if I can live with it, blah blah, I go, "yup, do whatever you want." 2 days later the bathroom is brown, she asks me what i think, i say " the brown makes all the white fixtures look dirty, the green was better." She looks at me exasperated and says "you should have told me you liked the green." I reply "you made me pick a fucking paint color, then you vetoed it." The next 6 weeks I answer literally every question "I don't care."
One day she comes to me, "(my name), I dont know what's going on with you, but I'm starting to feel like I dont have a partner in this relationship, and it really bothers me that you dont wear your wedding ring anymore." I look at her and tell her flat out, "I am not a partner in this relationship because you dont treat me like one, every time I open my mouth about anything in wrong. I dont wear my ring because I wash my hands 90 times a day at work and I got out of the habit of wearing my ring." H:" I want to buy you a ring you'll wear." M:"I don't need another ring, dont but me another ring." She brings it up repeatedly for 2 months, I reply the same way every time, angrier and angrier, "dont buy me another ring." Christmas rolls around, she gives me a ryobi cordless jigsaw, says to me after I open it "I know you were looking at a dewalt, but they were out by the time i went back, if you dont want it I'll return it." M: "I dont need a cordless jigsaw."
H:"ok I'll take it back" i open more presents, her mother got me a 2 burner hot plate because i use a 2 burner hotplate from the 50's whenever I'm cooking outside for a part. (Its a GE, it works awesome, and I cook outside for parties because she gets ridiculously stressed out at party time, and won't take any advice or help.) I've told her and her mother repeatedly I don't need a new one and it works awesome. So as I open the new one she comes to me and says, "my mother said if you dont want this she'll take it back and get you something you want." M:"I dont need a new hotplate, the old one works great." H:" oh, ok, I'll tell her to take it back." A couple more presents, I get a 2 pack of silicone wedding bands. I put all my xmas presents in a pile by the front door of the house for months and dont open anything. She donates the 50s hotplate to goodwill when I'm not home, doesn't tell me til i go looking for it. And she has no idea why all my presents are still in a pile and I haven't opened any of them.
I know I'm part of the problem for giving up on communication, but I feel like I tried for years. I definitely wouldn't be here if I didn't have a 6yr old, or if my family would help me leave.
I'm not shunning advice, I'm typing and dealing with 2k/post character limit. Rereading everything now that my story is out
That’s not how you buy paint (unless you want it to look like a clown house) if you pick a color that’s four squares down, all the paint you pick should be four down, otherwise it will clash and make people cringe when they walk into a room.
We have common interests, but the same issues have always been here. This relationship has made it 12yrs because I do love her and dont want to hurt her, or hurt my daughter. Its always the same shit, no matter what I try to tell her it's in one ear out the other, or she talks to me like she thinks I'm lying to spare her feelings.
Your post is grammatically confusing.
Bathroom was all whites and neutrals, she made me pick a color, gave me 5 options, I picked seafoam, I liked the way it looked after it was painted, told her so, she vetoed and said I did t tell her I liked it. Is the point I was trying to make.
Seems readable to me.
Grammar issue or not, not the point of my story.
And also nearly a year has passed, repeatedly asked for money to help pay for this $5500 project, and have gotten next to nothing to help pay for it.
Your story is riddled with errors.
The more you tell us, the stupider you look.
Her?
Such as?
I'm not claiming I'm perfect or right in the way I've handled things. Not claiming my autocorrect infected rant is grammatically perfect or free of spelling errors.
I agree it was stupid to marry her in the first place, but what else about my story makes me look stupid? Basic theme is I tried to communicate for years and she doesn't give a fuck. I'm barely allowed to finish my own sentences in my own home, let alone actually feel like a partner in this relationship. And no matter what I say it changes nothing.
I bet if you said I’m leaving you, things would change.
Lol no.
On a related theme though.
Shes allergic to everything with fur, so I'm not allowed to have pets. But she buys a new perfume, asks me what I think, I say " it's ok, but it aggravates my allergies." So she proceeds to spray it over me every morning while getting ready for work, while I'm sleeping, and I wake up feeling like crap for weeks before I figure out what's going on.
I've said "I dont want to be here" she begged and cried and nothing changed.
So find a new apartment and just leave.
Broke asf, friends went take me in, family went even hear me out, let alone help me.
Won't not went
Seems like no one likes you.
It's a recurring theme in my life that everyone always says how smart or talented I am, but shows me zero respect when i try to give them an opinion or solution to a problem.
it's something to do with your approach. you're clearly capable and clever and thoughtful, my guess is you just do kind of a shit job at expressing yourself on the thoughtfulness count.
>x bothers or upsets you
>you state your displeasure with x and your desire for x to lessen or cease
>thinking this is enough (and let's be honest -- it should be), you say nothing further
>x continues, usually largely unabated
that's actually not enough though. this is because most people are retarded. no insult meant to your loved ones either, i include both myself and you in that. people are tards. include why you dislike x and the weight it carries with you or they're not gonna get it.
Yeah, I know that's one of my issues. Typically I try to reason with the mrs by repeatedly telling her the same thing for 6 months to a year before I give up. And I know that doesn't get me anywhere.
I just think your happiness lies in being alone. Start over before it’s too late and you regret waisted time with her.
Part of why I married her was being so lonely for years, I'm not cut out for solitude either, but I feel alone now anyway because I dont have a partner in my relationship. Being with someone and feeling alone and miserable is worse than actually being alone.
You could always get a dog on your own.
A relationship should be the averaging of your misery. This gives the incentive to minimize your SOs misery and elevate your own (we cant make another person happy, that is one's own personal choice).
If a ho doesn't work to minimize your unhappiness and you don't work to minimize hers. I say hide your assets, start talking to a lawyer, start hitting the gym, join a group that facilitates mastery or a church (build a social safety net in a community) and move on.
One life bro.
One life. One chance.
I think I would rather just starve to death rather then eat shit and piss stew that prolonged the inevitable.
Always wanted a dog. Currently looking for new employment, and dunno what I can do outside of the restaurant industry that will let me afford to live on my own, and working chef hours is not fair to an animal to spend all that time alone. I've heard it before, and the person who said it best said something along the lines of "if you're not building each other up, there's no point to a relationship." I cant agree more.
I met a guy from liverpool a couple years back, we were talking about relationships and I made some kind of comment about "I dont talk to my wife because shes not supportive." He looks at me and says:"you know, I grew up in liverpool, I love the Beatles, and everyone quotes them with 'all you need is love,' but let me tell you, they're wrong because without respect you have nothing." And that's where I've been for years, feeling zero respect. But every time I try to make a change she cries or my mother or brother guilt trips me into staying.
I'm at that point.
Well keep your mouth shut this time. It seems you’re all talk, no action. No one knows exactly how you feel or how bad things are for you, so telling everyone in the hopes of gaining a support team is a waste of time and only adds to your frustration.
Go find a new job and an apartment. Then just pack up when she’s out and leave.
No it’s not easy. Yes you will have regrets. But in the long run, you being happy is important. And finally doing something to change your life for the better will feel good. You can meet someone again.
You're not wrong. My friends are supportive, but none are in any kind of situation to help besides physical labor helping me move I guess, and literally just talked to my mom, who'd always saying "I'll do anything to help," but won't even talk about how unhappy I am. Cant keep being silent though. I'm nearly suicidal despite being in antidepressants.
Said it before, if I didn't have a 6yr old I wouldn't be here. Its different when there's a kid involved, it's not just about me.
A six year old is very resilient. Much older and they will possibly be scared.