Another shot of Kratom down the hatchet in response to this pain. I've been grappling with this for awhile. My girlfriend of 3 years and I broke up recently. She initiated it, but it was long overdue so it wasn't surprising.
The fact that we're not boyfriend/girlfriend isn't what's hard. The hard part is losing my best friend and companion in life and so suddenly. If something funny or irritating happened to me, I could vent to her about it. We were outlets for each other to talk about our life experiences.
We mutually decided to stay friends because of our history. But it's become apparent that we don't feel the same about each other mutually. I still check up on her often, make sure she gets home safely and asking how things have been every now and then. But I'm the only one that intiates a conversation. She doesn't seem to care at all anymore.
How are women able to drop a man so easily? How are they so unfeeling after years of building a close bond with another person? This is clearly so much harder on me than her. The weird thing is that whenever we see each other in person, she is such a genuine person, the woman I fell in love with. When she has to look me in the eyes and talk to me, she's REAL. But as soon as we part ways, it's like she's talking to an image she's built in her head of who I am. Suddenly, she doesn't give a shit about talking to me, and yet whenever we're in person, she'll remark that she misses this, misses our bond. It's so confusing.
I don't know what to do at this point. Should I just cut off all contact with her? Will that make her want to keep our relationship or should I not even care about that? 90% of the time, I'm in a good place mentally. I work 50-60 hours a week now because as soon as I'm home alone, I get depressed, like I am right now and the only thing that makes me feel better is to watch Hitler speeches, which boil within me a primal hatred to enact vengeance on the world that has wronged me and put me in this position.
Cut contact and dont look back. Even if takes a year you will regret attempting to stay friends with her.
Cameron Brown
I get that most of the time, it's impossible. I know a few people who have stayed friends with their ex despite both of them being in relationships. I'm asking if it's possible. This can't be good for one's oxytocin levels, to go through such a sudden and abrupt cessation of contact with someone you've known for 3 years to their very core. Again, it's not the fact that we're not dating, it's the fact that she was my best friend.and companion in life and now I don't have anyone I'm close to. I've distanced myself from my closest friends because I disagree with their lifestyle and their actions (getting fucked up every night, banging sluts whenever the get the chance, and one of them is having an affair with my other friend's girlfriend). I just miss her as my best friend. I don't care if we don't fuck, kiss, or go on dates, I just miss her companionship.
>Is it possible Theoretically, yes. >Is it advisable Generally, no.
No matter what you do, you need to meet new people—both new friends and new dating prospects, and ideally people who don't have her in their circle of friends. If you don't meet new people, it could take you years to get over her, even after cutting contact (and you'd never get over her without cutting contact in that case).
>We mutually decided to stay friends because of our history. Generally speaking, neither side actually wants this. She just wants you to move on with your life and leave her alone. You want her back on some level. Neither of you want to be "friends" in the way it currently is.
Michael Butler
Listen dude, I am in the same situation. 4 years and she dropped me like I was a sack of rock. Cut contact and work on yourself, do some other stuff. It'll hurt a lot right now, but you'd rather feel like shit for a few month rather than be a shitty doormat for the rest of your life.
Lucas Edwards
It sounds like she was your whole support system and now the pain of the breakup is compounded by being truly alone. Holding onto her is just a quick fix and it won't work. I would put all my energy into making friends. Get out there. You need to build a support system. And no, I don't believe there's only person who can really connect with you but you need to open yourself up to connection.
Bentley Parker
This definitely. I've gone through this exact same thing earlier this year. Breakups are fucking awful if you're dependent on the other person. It's utter suffering.
OP, you need to just give up on trying. She doesn't matter. Her friendship doesn't matter. There's better friends and better lovers out there for you. The sooner you realise that, the better. You don't need to cut contact, but you do need to find other people to vent to and other releases for your needs. She simply can't be them anymore. By all means reply and be polite and stay positive and just be a nice person like you'd want to be treated yourself, but she's not someone to invest any more of your effort into. You need to now reconnect with friends and meet new people and put effort into them.
You're the only person that matters in your life. Do things for yourself. In the nicest possible way, fuck her, she's an idiot. She broke up with you and now she's going to have to watch you start the adventure of your lifetime and do all the things you haven't and always wanted to. Go and be the person you want to be, don't look back.
Zachary Watson
While it is possible to remain friends with an ex, in this case that won't happen.
Let me be brutally honest with you OP, from your story your ex is complete human garbage. She isn't being direct with her intentions or her feelings regarding this breakup, just so she can avoid conflict. The truth is your ex started distancing herself from you months before the break up. Your ex also doesn't want to remain your friend, she is lying about that so she doesn't have to deal with the fallout of being honest.
She is passing months or even years of suffering onto you with that lie so she doesn't have to be inconvenienced for one day. If you decide to remain her 'friend' here is what will happen. She will become more and more distant, and you will struggle in vain to fix your friendship. She will accuse you of being clingy for trying to preserve your friendship, and one day she will ghost you out of the blue leaving you to blame yourself for the loss of your friendship. You will be riddled with confidence and trust issues for a long time afterwards, all because she couldn't be direct with her feelings.
Absolutely fuck people who do shit like that, do not give them a chance. Drop her like hot garbage.
Isaac Powell
>How are women able to drop a man so easily They don't. Women fall in and out of love slowly. Other anons will try to dispute this by saying "oh well my gf did blah blah blah" but the reality is they did not pay attention to signs of her attraction dropping. From your post it seems as if you were hyper focused on her while in your relationship and this caused her attraction to drop slowly over time. Women do not like when you are up their butt 24/7 and need time and space away from you to develop feelings. I would guess that in the last few months of your relationship she slowly stopped intiating contact and you felt like you were the one always pursuing. When this happened you felt like pursuing more would help but she just needed to be away from you for a bit. Just my two cents I know this does not answer the original question.
Xavier Evans
Not OP but your post is very much what's happened to me.
Any tips for what someone in that situation is meant to do now to get by now that I've learned the lessons the hard way and it's all too late?
Kayden James
Nothing good for you in it, just move on. Block her shit too.
Adrian Nguyen
Only time and hoping for the best, in three weeks it'll have been a year for me. I still feel as bad as day one. Fuck people lying about wanting to maintain a friendship, when it means everything to you.
Jayden Powell
Best tip I can give you is to move on and next tume you feel a woman backing off just mirror her actions. She will either come back to you showing that she really is into you or you will never hear from her again
Nolan Butler
I don't think she was/is lying about that, and she seems to actually want it, but the problem is I can't stop myself being attracted to her. I think on balance if the choice is friendship or nothing the I'd rather have friendship right now while I make myself a better person, but we try and see each-other and it's fine and unawkward but I can't help but want to kiss her or touch her or flirt. Do I need to back off to get past that or is it something that'll just never really go and staying friends is a stupid idea? Seems reasonable. I feel like this last year has been a crash course for relationships and all their associated drama and shit for me.
Brandon Diaz
I am sorry to say this, but she is probably lying about it man. I know this from painful experience. >But as soon as we part ways, it's like she's talking to an image she's built in her head of who I am. Suddenly, she doesn't give a shit about talking to me, and yet whenever we're in person, she'll remark that she misses this, misses our bond.
Exact same behavior people who lie about it do. They ignore you, and act like a negative idea of you they imagine in their head is you. They do this shit while trying to hold you in with moments where their old self shines through, but those moments where they just act like your friend never last and become more infrequent until they abandon you.
Tyler Turner
Well I've backed off now anyway so it's up to her if she wants to just move on and stay away or actually try keeping close. I don't really care either way much now.
Luis Hughes
after a breakup it's pretty common for people to want the relationship to come back, and they start looking for signs that the other person still wants them. this is understandable and normal but misguided. reading into her actions is a waste of time, she's already made it clear that the relationship is over, and if she's continuing to contact you that means she's either a narcissist, or she's trying to keep you as a Plan B or C or D in case things don't work out with other guys. It is almost never a good idea for the dumpee to try to be friends with the dumper. It's best for your mental health and confidence to drop her and move on, as hard as that may seem, it will be better for you long term.
Caleb Carter
So whether or not you realize it or accept it, you still love her and would date her immediately if given the chance.
I dated a girl for a year long distance. We met at a summer camp and kicked it off. She lived in Italy, me in the states. Went to Italy to live with her for a year but hated it. Couldn't speak language and couldn't find a job so I felt useless. Moved back to states to finish my studies and told her once I finished I'd move and live wherever she wanted since with a really education I could find work.
She dumped me last October, late October. It's still been tough but a lot of what you've said rings true to me. I almost always initiate conversation, probably 4/5 times I initiate and see how she's doing, ask what she's been up to. Yet she said she still wanted to be my friend and support eachother. Bullshit of course, they just say that to be 'nice', but it isn't nice. It's leading you on.
I also found it weird how she could drop me so quickly and suddenly without caring a bit. She was a huge part of my life. Literally the only person I talked to outside of work or school. So it's been brutal. I try so hard not to talk to her but I cave in a week. My advice is to try and do everything you can to not speak with her. It will be literal torture. But you will thank yourself later
>The weird thing is that whenever we see each other in person, she is such a genuine person, the woman I fell in love with. When she has to look me in the eyes and talk to me, she's REAL
She's FAKE. Women are incredible actors. She loves the attention and knowing she has you dangling on a string. Try everything you can do avoid her in person.
Look, at the end of the day you just cared way more than her. But have faith because you WILL find someone who cares about you as much as you care about them.
Josiah Bennett
Gah. I wish I knew how this all works OP but I'm in a weird situation myself with my ex. We broke up 2 years ago, back then she also gave me the whole "lets stay friends" shebang and I told her it wouldn't be healthy for me. After a couple weeks I ended up getting into a huge fight with her over nothing, to be honest I think I just wanted an excuse to have things end definitively so I got her riled up and we swore never to speak again.
It wasn't exactly graceful, but I like to think that was probably a better choice than hanging on and getting to see in real time how she handled the breakup vs how I did etc. I feel like I got some shit done just being alone for a while.
She's back on the radar now though, as she started chatting to me last year and I met her for the first time this week with her friends. And yeah, exactly as you describe, she's fucking lovely in person, bringing up old times like it's nothing, leaning into me, doing overly nice gestures that I had to tell her not to. I'm back to not really knowing what the fuck is going on here. It's not like I've forgotten the reasons it didn't work out, but I know with absolute certainty that I could love her again and all it would take is to see her a few more times.
I guess you can't do it by halves really, if you were that attached to someone you have to make the effort to let go, or you live permanently in will-they-wont-they,-land. I would really suggest you make a conscious decision to stop talking to her, just because your brain needs to know the alternative.
Parker James
I've been in real relationships with 5 girls and only one of them didn't end as a nuclear disaster. The one girl and I ended it on good mutual terms and sort of kept touch over the years but no we didn't keep in touch.
One girl I did stay friends with, at least tried to, but she ended up having me fuck her as a no-strings attached fwb but I just ended up having feelings again for her. We stopped fucking but I still ended up being around her circle of friend and in her life every now and then and she ended up dating like 3 different dudes and on the third one while she was still dating him she asked if I wanted to come over and bang. haha no thanks
tldr; >Is it possible to stay friends with an ex?
no
Ryan Martinez
you deserve how miserable you are because
1. you largely do it to yourself 2. you just said yourself that you’re a hateful and somewhat emboldened person, making you a negative force in this world
I don’t care what you do from here. just don’t commit homicide.
Carson Fisher
imb4 someone calls me a feminist redditor or something
the biggest sin is how all you fuckers do is feel sorry for yourselves and never fully realize that you’re cancerous
