I can’t tell anyone this in person; I haven’t even told my boyfriend the full story. I haven’t told my therapist; my mom knows some of the details but not all of them.
Two years ago, I realized I liked girls. This blindsided me and everyone I knew because I was the least gay-looking girl ever and frequently got attention from boys. I ended up falling for this girl who was shy but kind of cute in a plain way, and I accepted that I was bi.
I found out that the girl (who I had thought was gay) was actually a transguy. I have no issue with trans people; you do you. I just didn’t know how to feel in terms of romantic feelings towards her.
At the time, I was completely immersed in SJW culture and convinced myself that I had to keep liking her because otherwise I would be a transphobe.
We started dating, and the relationship was shit. She was very mentally fucked up and constantly made me cry. She watched weird porn and lied to me about it and asked me to do increasingly weird sex acts.
I lost my virginity to her when she fucked me with a plastic dick. She had me suck it and also fake jerk it off. I feel so ashamed.
The memories eat at me. I didn’t feel comfortable at the time, and I should’ve just said no. Once, after we had sex, I full on started sobbing and wanted to die. Now I feel a mix of anger, guilt, and shame almost every day.
I can’t go on like this. I can’t believe what I did. I want to tell my boyfriend but I’m worried he’ll just think I’m psychotic when really I was just trying to be polite and it got taken way too far.
How do I get my life back?
I’m desperate for any sort of help. This is ruining my life.
To make matters worse, I was only a few months from being sixteen when we got together. I was a fucking child and I had no concept of sex because I was very sheltered.
Logan Stewart
>I lost my virginity to her when she fucked me with a plastic dick. She had me suck it and also fake jerk it off. I feel so ashamed >I can’t go on like this. I can’t believe what I did. Bait
find something better to obsess about, autist. this board is for people to get help with things.
Leo Hughes
May I die if I’m fucking lying. I hadn’t had sex before and knew her from before. She used that to her advantage. I wish this was a fucking joke but this is my life and I have to wake up every day knowing I didn’t have a normal guy fuck me like everyone else. Fuck you.
Blake Perry
>I hadn’t had sex before You didn't KNOW better. It might seem more obvious in hindsight, but when you were there you were convinced that you were okay with what you were doing, because you were doing it for her (him?). There were points in the relationship where you were happy with this person, and even though you resent them now it doesn't erase the feelings you had then.
Zachary Williams
I think the feelings I had were based on my desire to have a girlfriend. I’ve lived in a small town all of my life and never got to act on my feelings. I jumped at the first chance I got. During the relationship I was crying constantly. I hated myself. She told me my vagina looked fucking disgusting, that I was too skinny, etc. I refuse to think the feelings I had for her stemmed from anything but being fucked in the head.
Colton Adams
It's okay to regret decisions, but you don't have to hate yourself for it. Separating the hate from the regret takes time, sometimes years. You were abused and coerced with the promise of affection in exchange for your dignity. It happens all too often to many couples.
Logan Richardson
But it’s not just the abuse/coercion/whatever you want to call it that bothers me. What bothers me most are the specific acts. As horrible as it sounds, I’d honestly rather get assaulted by a biological male than tell people about this. It’s socially fucking weird. One person already on here thought I was baiting. That’s how weird it is. That’s how weird I was apparently because I did it.
Jaxon Garcia
there's really nothing to be ashamed of user. you were in a weird and clearly toxic relationship. it's not your fault your partner was fucked up. are you sure you're bi? after all you did fall for someone who ended being a guy after all. it doesnt really matter anyway, labels are superficial at best.
>How do I get my life back it never went anywhere. You've already found love again. You should talk to your therapist.
Parker Hall
Yeah, I had two girlfriends after her and found them insanely attractive. I’m not upset about my sexuality; I’m upset about the sex acts. I’m just filled with rage. I want to hurt her and I know that’s wrong. I just want to get back at her for the pain she’s caused.
Carson Nelson
>i did weird sex acts Ok. You're not weird for wanting to make your partner happy. There's nothing for you to be ashamed of.
Everyone, yes, EVERYONE, has a kink. A little something that someone else will almost certainly think it's weird.
Samuel Harris
I didn’t like it though. I felt wrong and gross while doing it. That’s the problem. I don’t judge others who are into the shit we did. I’m mad at myself for doing something I was uncomfortable with, for being too much of a pussy to say “I don’t like this.”
Ethan Brooks
he'll kill xerself before she turns 40. that's at the latest too; probably off itself before even seeing 30. take comfort in this and let it be sufficient to satisfy your need to see justice be done. >if your enemies kill themselves you win :DDD but like really unironically that though. with patience WILL come victory in this case. in the meantime channel your rage so it can at least be made useful rather than poisoning you slowly the longer you carry it around with you
and to that end: picrelated. whole thing is worth the read but the section at the bottom is the important bit rn. you've every right to be angry. do something with it. hating yourself will accomplish jack shit. lashing out blindly will backfire and leave you feeling worse. focused, directed, controlled anger is the one you want. learn from what happened. it's time to forgive yourself and live your life.
So, to summarize, as a fifteen year old confused about her sexuality, you were abused and manipulated by someone with a load of psychological problems of her own.
And in exactly what way is any of that your fault?
You have every right to regret having had a bad experience. You can regret having been victimized. You can determine not to let that happen to you again.
You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty or valueless for.
But of course there is no reason for you to believe me. This is exactly the sort of thing shrinks are good at helping with, and some short-term just-solve-this-problem therapy will get you through this.
Cameron Flores
Thank you for the encouragement about channeling my anger. My mom said the same thing that you did; karma WILL get her in the end and I’m fucking thankful. I never used to be a hateful or spiteful person but this sure changed things.
Jose Wood
This legitimately reduced me to tears. Because I haven’t told anyone the full story, I have NEVER been told that it wasn’t my fault, that I am not the pervert in this situation. It feels so good to finally hear it. I honestly think a good thing that could come from therapy would be hearing over and over again that I was not in control, that I am not to blame.
Elijah Walker
Also, it feels good to know I have a right to be mad. I got so messed up emotionally last summer that I convinced myself I was the manipulative one for feeling assaulted, that I was a baby and I actually liked it but was suppressing it. No, I didn’t like it, and I didn’t have to like it. And she should’ve fucking had some body language reading abilities and not been a cunt.
That being said, how do I tell my boyfriend? I don’t know if I can say the specific sex acts out loud because I’m honestly scared he’ll judge me. He’s my best friend and he’s told me that he won’t judge me when I decide to tell him, but I can’t be sure. I feel like it’s just too weird.
Camden Ross
Why do you need to tell him? It's a boyfriend, not a future husband. No need to open about everything yet, unless you really want to marry him. Always remember if he's turning his back to you, your story may get out too.
Gabriel Young
He’s my best friend. We were best friends before we started dating. We tell each other everything. I’ve never cared about someone this much, and I know all about his past and mental trauma. I feel like a liar and a filthy bitch for keeping it from him but I just can’t bring myself to tell him.
Samuel Stewart
very welcome. you know what the distinction between guilt and shame is?
Jaxson Allen
It was your fault, though. >assaulted Please.
Ethan Thomas
Sorry that doesn't cut it. Best friends are friends. You don't owe him anything. Now you're just wrecking your self confidence because all these guilt projecting.
Isaac Wright
>I am not a pervert If you were concious about it then you are. You weren't coerced by physical means. >I am not to blame That isn't very honest. Look, first, you're the one keeping relationship, no? I don't understand. Is this forced by him, or are you forcing yourself? You hate yourself, and now you hate him because you hated yourself? That doesn't make sense. No wonder you're immersed in SJW culture if all you do is washing hands out of situations by blaming others.
Leo Scott
forget about your life arm yourself and go wipe some niggers of your country
