I don't want to kill myself. I tried it once, got so close, got also 60+ stitchess across my arms and wrists. It's been raining for a few days, that doesn't help my mood. It makes remember the coldness of death. It's not poetical. It's only cold and the difficulty breathing. As every second passes, your breath shortens, lungs hurt, vision darkens. Before time could hit the notes forte, I ended up in hospital. Shame.
I have nothing to live for, except my girlfriend. My mother died when I was 12, father abused me, beat me, made me ashamed. He is the reason why I have social anxiety. He called me fag in front of others. They never supported me. Always thought I couldn't do it. Except for school-wise, I was a perfect student. Teachers even wanted to move me up another class. Parents didn't want to. I was a naive kid back then. I had rashes in my crotch and my parents thought I was raped. They even made me believe that. I was naive.
I'm the wreck of a human being. Zero mental stability, zero hope- even though my name is Hope.. I'm not a female though, "Hope" is a unisex name in my country. I wanted to be female for a long time, I still do time to time. I'm not a trap, but let's say something similar.
I just realized I have no social life either. Just 2-3 friends.
Suicide
20 years old, and losing all the hope. I want to cry but I can not. Meds fucked me up even more. I get off them and then I get worse. My life is a vicious cycle, everythings is the same, the end result is the same, only the concept changes.
I tried everything. I was known by my verbal abilities through my educational life. Teachers always said I'm very smart, that I am special. Not that kind of special- mind you. I've learnt English by watching tv-shows only. I didn't study for anything in my life. I am now in one of the top 5 universities in my country, studying Translation and Interpretation. I wanted to be a physicist, quantum. I couldn't, because I have no will power to study. I got into creative writing. Wrote beautiful things, many people enjoyed them, liked them, told me I have the talent. That didn't work out. I got into music. Every musical genius started when they were young, I didn't let that break my motivation. I made many beautiful compostions, many people liked them, told me I have the talent. That didn't work out too, I'm just too wreck of a human being to keep doing what I do. What am I doing with my life?
I don't want sound like r/iamverysmart, I am not, I'm just a piece of shit.
Jack of all trades but master of none. I can draw, make music, play some piano and guitar, My knowledge on my areas of interests (medicine, IT, art, general culture) are far more vast than my peers, or it used to be.
But I feel stupid. I have turned into one. I failed the first year of uni, I could never continue doing anything. Always above average at some point but not extraordinary.
I have no hope. I look forward to nothing. Maybe the reality hits? Maybe I finally understood that I'm no special snowflake, that I wouldn't change the world. I'm getting comfortable with that idea. It's okay if I'm not good enough. I have no expectations for me any more.
This thought makes me sad often. Did I just stop? Did I just accept that I could never see the colors? I'm a piece of shit. I am fucked up there is no going back. What do I do? Maybe I should start hoping again? Try something? No, maybe yes. I don't know.
I don't like myself. I can't look at myself in the mirror. That stupid face. What should I do? I'm so lost. I'm so sad, I'm so lonely, the place these words come from is very dark. I can't see neither the light nor the colors. I'm looking for someone far more intelligent than me. Maybe they can see?
>3333
looks like your luck is changing already
Not gonna read your blog but I want to tell you I’ve been there. My message is dont give up these times and moods pass.
Stop trying so hard and just do what makes you happy. Try new things until you find something that does. Try just going out walking every day to start with. See where your legs take you. If walking to much then start smaller. Try and do a new thing every day or push yourself a little bit futher. Over time you will build up your life and confidence.
If all that doesn’t work after 5 years of trying (it’s ok to have bad days, don’t give up). Then do a flip faggot and make sure you live-stream it.
wtf
>3333
There are no greater digits than those divisible by 3.
It’s a sign user, don’t give up.
You’re not alone, you are many.
Focus your life on ending Jewish supremacy
If you kill yourself make it spectacular.
OP must stop caring what other people think.
to do what is right and to say what is true is what is best in life.
You're basically a suicidal Sentinelese
wooooooooooooow like cheer up bucko, if autists like me can pretend to be normies and have fun pretending to have fun then SO CAN YOU!
stop watching tv.
Wow, rare flag, didnt read though.
Rare flag.
Stop being a fucking faggot and get a job to raise some kids and not be a fucking retard...
Everyone can do that so why aren't you?
Take my energy friend. If you feel sad, remember that you have a friend here in Turkey.
Aaaand you definately follow some sort of ideology so that you are on some sort of task like saving your race or sonething..
Your life sounds very similar to mine OP aside from the being called a faggot in public and being convinced that I was raped and also I'm not some cock gobbling trap
I'm gonna tell you this right now - it doesn't get better and you're lucky to have 2-3 people in your life who like you because I don't have 1 since I'm such a miserable judgmental anxiety riddled nipple twist of a human being.
But even though you can't make your own life better in a direct sense, you can make someone else's life better. Mine. Maybe having a friend to share a hobby with will help you stabilize. Play games with me and entertain me you rotten trap fuck.
Dance you little monkey, dance!
Make sure to livestream it next time
Best advice here OP. Help user help you.
Also worth mentioning that I'm a colossal jack of all trades and master of none as well. I make music but it's just ok and a genre people haven't really listened to since 2001. I try to play soccer aka fOoTbOL and I'm shit. I tried to be a bodybuilder but my torso got buff while my arms and legs stayed scrawny. I tried pro wrestling and broke my arm. AND I'M 26 HAHA TOO LATE FOR MY BITCH ASS so ease my pain you FUCKING MONKEY MAN, ENTERTAIN ME UNTIL MY DEATH YOU CUM BRAINED FUCKING JESTER
First of all, get off the meds. Immediately start taking 10k iu D3 per day for a week, after 7 days drop tp 5k iu per day. Take 1-3 GRAMS (1000mg) of magensium multiple times a day. Try to get up to about 3-4g total over the course of the day. Take about a gram in the morning, gram in the afternoon and another before bed. These two steps will dramatically increase your brains serotonin and give your leydig cells a kick in the nuts to start producing more testosterone from the D3, which is now classified as a hormone rather than a vitamin.
Force yourself to do bodyweight exercises every morning. Do 200 pushups. 300 squats. 300 lunges. Everyday, split up into sets. Do this every morning.
Start intermittent fasting. Do not eat until 2-4pm. Stop eating at 10pm max. Cut out all sugar and simple shitty carbs which just turn into sugar and fuck your mind and emotions up.
Start reading. Force your brain to cut itself off from the dopamine jew we've been conditioned to depend on since childhood. Its our chains the kikes use to control and direct our energy and attention, with zero benefit. Force yourself to start reading a 1000 page novel. If you can't start with something educational or historic, start with something like Stormlight Archives. This will train your mind to require less dopamine and even you out after a few weeks. '
Also, stop masturbating entirely for a few weeks just to let your body even out, drop your prolactin and increase your drive and motivation. Stop looking at porn entirely. Its a weapon against us.
Try all these things first, and report back in 4 weeks. Good luck brother. You're not alone.
>suicidal trannies can have a gf and I can't
>I'm not a trap, but let's say something similar.
Death cleanses degeneracy OP, just make sure to take out as many niggers as you can while you're at it. Don't let your death go to waste.
Why did you try to kill yourself?
I live a boring life.
Did you think suicide will amuse you?
Don't drink and drive, smoke weed and fly!
ism predicted this