So last night I fucked up Jow Forums...

So last night I fucked up Jow Forums. Nothing that hasn't occurred before in history - in fact there's a thread on the first page dealing with the same issue.

I cheated on my long-term gf. I was at a bar I frequent, by myself as I was watching a sports game. I got to talking to a group of people. I had had a fair amount to drink, and there was a woman in this group that was chatting to me. Eventually, because I had nothing else to do, I went to a nightclub with these people. It quickly became a case of this woman and myself being separated from the others and chatting in the lounge area of the club. One thing led to another and I'm in a taxi to hers and when we get back to hers, we fuck.

She's said she's discrete, and I believe her, but the fact of the matter is not only do I frequent this bar but so do the friends of hers she was with, so odds are I will see them again. As will my partner. So there's a strong chance that I will be found out because someone will drunkenly come up to me in the bar and let something slip.

I'm not looking for comments telling me how much of a shitty person I am or how I should kill myself. This is the Advice board, and I'm pretty good at the self-flagellation anyway. I understand I fucked up. But I want advice on how to approach the situation - should I attempt to keep a lid on it or should I just tell my partner and end the relationship I've been in for a number of years now?

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>should I attempt to keep a lid on it or should I just tell my partner and end the relationship I've been in for a number of years now?
I'm gonna give you both moral and practical advice here, because the answer is the same whichever angle you look at it from. Tell her.

Morally ... your partner has a right to know, dude. She has the right to decide whether or not to stick by you after this. There are people on here who'll tell you "Keep it to yourself, telling her will only hurt her." Fuck those people, they're reptiles with no empathy or integrity. Cheating on your partner and then lying about it humiliates them, even if nobody ever finds out about it. It's repulsive. Don't do it.

Practically ... I agree with you, your odds of keeping this a secret forever are slim. Not zero, but slim. There's too many people involved (people who are going to be drinking), too many points of contact, too many moving parts. I don't know about your partner, but I can tell you for sure, if my partner cheated on me and fessed up to it immediately, there's at least a chance I'd be willing to forgive and forget. If they covered it up and I found out later from somebody else, I would never want to see them again. I don't think I'm particularly in the minority on this.

Even if the relationship does end when you tell her, as you seem to expect it to, I'd say it's better to break up cleanly and start fresh than to live for god knows how many years with the knowledge that at any moment your secret might come out and bring your life crashing down.

You know what to do, dude.

Thank you for your advice. I have to be honest, I was still expecting just glib lines about how I'm a shitty person rather than actually addressing what I wrote.

Thank you again.

I don't have much experience in this matter.
I never had a long term gf, or a one night stand but it seems to me you fucked up way before fucking your friend.

What I do know about is lying.
It is very easy in real life compared to movies, you just say things and people believe you.
If you meet with the group of friends without the girl, bring her up in an innocent way, people ask "what happened" and you can tell them your cover story about how you got so drunk you had to lend her couch or something.
If the girl is a regular of that group and you don't think you can lie about sleeping with her, get your gf to agree to a threesome and then she will know you fucked her and you don't have to lie about it.
It is a degenerate thing to do, but less so than what you already did, so win win.

Maybe I wasn't clear - this person isn't my friend. She's a complete stranger I met last night, however I have noticed the group of friends she was with are regulars at my local bar.

Tell her. If for no other reason than avoiding the risk of giving her an STD and THEN telling her.

Then don't do the threesome thing.

Tell her, the fear of being found out will eat you up if you try to keep it a secret

Does this group of friends know that you had sex with this girl or are you just assuming that they do? How often do you visit this bar/see that group there? How often have you talked to them? How regularly does your girl go to this bar, and does she ever go without you?
If you want to keep this a secret my advice is to keep your girl away from the bar until you have a better pulse of the situation. Maybe drop in when those regulars may stop by and try to feel things out a little. If that girl really is discrete and didn't say anything to her friends you are probably going to be okay. But you will still probably want to avoid thus bar for a while.

M?

Yes, I'm male.

Well, if you are who I think you are, you can trust me. If you want to chat, you know where to find me.

Nobody here can advise you on what to do, as it depends entirely on the relationship you have with your partner and how strong you are. Not very, I imagine, if you fucked a random whore at a bar because you got drunk.

I digress...if you have a relatively open relationship with your partner then it may be beneficial to tell her what happened. Regardless of whether it is likely to happen again, I believe she has a right to know what happened in order to make her own choices.

You could hide this from her, but the chances of this coming out in the long run aren't exactly unlikely. I think being lied to is more hurtful than being unfaithful (although both are shitty), and I'm sure your girlfriend would be even more heartbroken if she found out that you'd not only stuck your dick in another woman, but also kept it from her.

I would tell her. Explain how it was a drunken mistake, take the flack and see what she wants to do about it. She may forgive you and decide to work on the relationship, or she may choose to end the relationship. Unfortunately this is the kind of thing you have to accept will happen when you're unfaithful. Shielding yourself from the blast when you've created it is incredibly insensitive and selfish.

I second this.
Satisfying to know there are still good people on this board.

I cheated on my gf a while back and confessed imidiantly, we got threw it, it was rough, it took a really long time to repair the damage.

Not sure about the OP but i had a problem with woman. I still do to a degree. But this experience showed me how bad I really was. I had like no self control at all. The whole thing helped me grow up a little bit.

I would advice against lying, it makes you comfortable with lying. Getting COMFORTABLE with it....well....you know you have a problem if one day you realize you tell lies without the slightest hint of conscious, you start reflecting on this. How did this happen? How did you get like this?.. you come to realize most of your life is a lie. You slowly have to break everything down and head back toward truth.

Look, you obviously don't respect your partner or the relationship if you did this. Something inside you isn't happy with it and doesn't value her the way you should. I know you were drunk so you weren't thinking clearly, but even so, you had enough wits about you to, on some level, know what you were doing.

I think the right thing to do would be to tell your gf, and end the relationship.

Ah, I'm sorry, I'm not sure I know who you are or how you would know who I am.

I’m sorry, I just thought you might’ve been an old friend with the initial M. Anyway, good luck with things. Just know that you’re not a bad person because you made one mistake.

When you cheat your moral attacks yourself because you did something wrong. As someone have said it's not practice tell the truth, so I think you should charge your lie in silence and not destroy your gf life. Be more careful about where you frequent and do not repeat this again.

Seconding this
And I just wanted to add - coming clean to your gf will help you too. Depends on a person, but usually people with guilty conscious are eaten alive by the secrets they guard. Do you want to live forever anxious that she may find out? Do you want to feel even more guilty about selfishly keeping the truth from her? Can you really pretend that everything is alright and you didn't betray her trust for the following months, years? It's a tough thing to do if you respect your partner and aren't completely void of emotions. So imho you should tell her, for her sake and for yours.

Oh okay. No, my initial is P. Thanks anyway though.

You're a loser no advice is comming from me.

This will eat at you if you don't tell her. Even if the cheating does, by some miracle, go undetected, YOU will still know. You will think about it every single day, and the guilt won't go away. It will just get heavier.

How is that fair on you or her? The longer you wait to tell her, the less chance you have of reconciling any form of a functional relationship with her. If you tell her now, you might still have a chance of making things right. Keep us updated.

Agreed. How happy with her can you really be with her if it just took one drunken night to ruin it all?

I've been all levels of drunk with ample opportunitys and still never fucked someone else while in a relationship.

For your sake and hers, end it, since obviously you're not happy and she's not going to be happy when she finds out it only took one drunk slut to shatter your self control.

Do not drink. You can have more fun without alcohol, and avoid yourself doing stupid shit like this.

Everything has been said. Rightously your GF must know from your mouth. You can choose to hide it and be sure someday likely sooner than later it will be of her knowledge.

Whats your end goal here, really? Do you want to marry this girl? Do you even love her? Are you really gonna spend the rest of your life knowing that you ended up fucking some other girl because you were drunk and had nothing better to do? It ain’t worth it.

/thread

lying is hard work and sucks

You fucked up and should definitely face the consequences. Man up and tell her, that is basically the only right thing to do in this case.

OP have you ever cheated before?

>should I attempt to keep a lid on it or should I just tell my partner and end the relationship I've been in for a number of years now?

it depends man. to figure out what the best decision is you need to figure out why you did it in the first place. how long have you been together? how is your sex life? are you attracted to her?

have you ever cheated/thought about cheating before?

these things will ultimately tell you if the relationship is worth trying to salvage but youre going to feel pretty shitty about it no matter which way it goes

If you value the relationship do not confess and start hanging out somewhere else.

If you do not... carry on as normal.

i think its safe to say OP isnt too emotionally invested in this relationship ....

i really hope you used a condom