A little background. My wife and I have been married for 6 years and together for 7. We have a 16 month old daughter. Middle class family wife works full time I'm currently in school. We're usually rather happy, but our schedules can get a little ridiculous sometimes which can leave us exhausted and a little edgy at different times. We've had lots of ups and downs over the years, but we always seem to do just fine in the end. Yesterday I was busy doing something and my wife came into the room with our daughter and interrupted what I was doing. Which is not uncommon and I normally don't mind, but yesterday I said "I'm trying to do this thing and you guys are slowing me down." and my wife didn't like that so she said "Oh I'm sorry we're so much of a bother." and before I even thought for a second I immediately cut her off with "whops, sorry, I complained. I forgot I'm not supposed to complain. I'll get back on the plantation massa." She started brooding after that. I later apologized. I brought it up today while we were sitting at the kitchen table I said "in the essence of transparency you should know that your resentment is beginning to make me resentful. Just so we're on the same page." she said "You're resentful I'm taking space from you?" I didn't know that's what was happening. I didn't know a single fucking thing, she didn't say shit. I apologized on a hunch that that's what she was brooding over, but she didn't say a thing. So after hearing that I replied with "Well now that I know that's what's happening I would have to think about it. That's information I didn't previously have. Knowing what's happening is easier then not knowing what's happening. Then she replied with "I'm so disgusted by what you said yesterday I can't even look at you. You must think so little of me that you just let that slip out, because why? you were frustrated?" Then I said well I mostly meant it as a joke. Then got up and left. I said one more thing but I'm out of space.
My wife has been resentful for two days because of something I said
Your relationship isn't really transparent if you can't vent your frustration verbally, in the way you choose to.
Either you really are sone with her and need to simply flie for divorce.
Or you need to have a heart to heart with both your lady and kid and hash out whatever is going on underneath.
My advice regardless is to schedule alone time for yourself so that you can regain sanity from life. They can only respect boundaries once they have been established by you.
Women are terrorists dude, you NEVER negotiate with terrorists
Exactly. Also she says she's on her period. I don't know if that could be contributing. I think she's making a much bigger deal of it then it needs to be.
She definitely is acting differently then she normally does when she's upset. I don't see that as a deal breaking remark. like "I never loved you." or anything like that. there are deal breaking remarks this isn't one.
Give me her number. I'll call her up and set her straight.
Oh man, I really wish I could do that. With our obligations it just doesn't seem feasible.
Dude holy shit pump the breaks, they just had some bickering and a fight, happens to all couples, you don't fucking file for god damn divorce after THAT.
OP is smart enough to not listen to this kissless virgin though.
that is fucking hilarious. Just out of curiosity. What would you say?
This did make me think though. If you are that fucking fragile that you can't handle that innocuous of a remark. Then you can fuck off. I don't want to be in a relationship where I have to be THAT careful anyways.
Alright I actually read your post. Here's my take. You're acting like a passive aggressive little boy. Don't get me wrong, I understand that life is hard and it can put you on edge but don't take it out on your wife with passive aggressive remarks. If I were her or my wife said something like that to me I would feel like a burden. What reasonable woman would take "You guys are slowing me down" with stride. I have a number of male friends I know who would be rubbed the wrong way by that kind of statement. Try being a bit more mindful of what you say and strive for peace, especially with your own family. This walking around with a chip on your shoulder is going to make all of you resentful of each other and you're going to end up in the divorce court wondering wtf happened if you keep it up.
This
Perhaps you're right. My initial response is to just be angry, but perhaps that is not the wisest mindset. There doesn't seem to be a whole lot I can do right now, but she'll come around. I do think in general I overlook many more comments then she does, but that would be a topic to discuss with a therapist. It's just crazy how a couple of seconds or responding without thinking can lead to a whole shitstorm.
Pay no mind to this neet. OP’s reaction to his wife being disrespectful is a huge red flag. You are a fool to think this doesnt run much much deeper.
Yeah because, you know, this is clearly something that can't be worked out, might as well burn a whole 7 year marriage!
Have you ever even talked to female other than your mom?
Do you always base your life decisions on what you see in romantic comedies?
Holy shit your formatting is a mess.
Here is my tldr of events:
1. you snapped at her
2. then you call her racist for no reason at all
3. she gets upset
4. you complain about her being upset
5. she explains her side of things
6. you claim "just a prank bro"
Holy shit you are an insufferable cunt.
Between 3 and 4, did you try to apologize to her? Do anything to make things right or did you just call her out on being upset with you?
"mostly meant it as a joke" translates to "poorly phrased, but I was being serious" for most people. That is not an apology.
Or are you still so entitled that you think she should apologizing for being in her home with her kid?
If you can't focus with them around, go somewhere else. That is on you.
Don't snap at a 1 year old for being loud, that's what they do.
You even said it is not uncommon for them to roam the house, why the fuck should they know that this time was different?
You would have some leeway if it was "your study" where they should never disturb you or something like that.
You still shouldn't snap at them, but you would be right to tell them to leave.
I think my initial response was alright. It was even tempered, and gauged according to the circumstances. I wouldn't consider that "snapping" though I did not have to say anything. I probably should have prefaced it with an apology for asking them to move. My last response is the part I should have thought about more. You're right about the joke part. I think my first apology was fine yesterday I kept it short and concise. I just said "I'm sorry" and left it at that. Then the "it was a joke." that I added today I probably should not have said. Even if I thought it might have been funny, I should have known it would not be appropriate for the moment. It even surprised me how quickly it came out. At the very least having gone through this should make me more aware of it in the future.
Between 3 and 4. Yes I apologized within about ten minutes after realizing she was upset. It wasn't long after.
That's a really lame comeback but you know what OP isn't fighting this as much as he should be, you may be onto something.
Just divorce OP you know you want fresh meat.
LOL comic relief.
I appreciate the responses. Moving forward. Any suggestions on fixing this? She's made it clear she needs time. I still think she's overreacting a bit, but I understand I started this whole thing so I should be responsible for trying to put it back together. I will definitely be more patient and I feel awful for having said anything. I don't know how I let these tiny little things get to me. Again thanks for the responses.
Just hearing these responses has completely changed my entire mindset towards the situation. I was completely blind to an entire way of looking at it. Moving forward. I'm going to let her have her space since she said that's what she wants. Then when she's ready to discuss it. I'm going to tell her about the transformation I went through in seeing it. How I was really defensive and resentful the last time we talked about it, but I think I see it a bit more clearly now and am much more remorseful. Debating on showing her the thread. Maybe just the most helpful comments, not the whole thing. I should ask for advice on here more often. Maybe I should offer to go through individual counseling as a result.
>I think my initial response was alright.
The way you described it, you said
"whops, sorry, I complained. I forgot I'm not supposed to complain. I'll get back on the plantation massa."
I assume the last word was master because that is the only word that made sense when I read it.
You have to understand the different levels of what you said.
1. you cut her apology off, wether it was sincere or not doesn't matter, you seem aggressive. (you told her you see her as an obstacle)
2. you respond with an insincere apology yourself, mocking what she said (you called her stupid).
3. saying you are not supposed to complain is telling her you think she is dominating.
4. the back to the plantation master comment enforces that you see yourself as a slave and she has a hold over you. I summarized that as you calling her racist because of the racial undertones associated with slavery, but lets just say it means she controls you.
So when she responds with "You're resentful I'm taking space from you?"
This stems from the comment where you called her a stupid obstacle that controls every part of your life.
That is a hell of a thing to say to a person.
The problem is it might all be true.
And if it is just slightly true, she would wonder what she have done to enslave you, what she can do to be less of an obstacle, what she can be doing to be less annoying.
And it was all with the kid in the room, so by extension, it also applies to the kid as well.
And if it is somewhat true for your wife, it is certainly true for the child.
She is certainly stupid, she is obviously in the way and she is totally dependent on you for doing things for her.
"Sorry" doesn't cut it.
You fucked up, make it up to her.
Show her that it was a heat of the moment thing. Show her that you want her to be in your life.
Why the fuck should she put up with being punched for everything going wrong in your life?
You ruined a happy moment she had with her daughter because you were studying? That's not funny.
It's not cause of what you said but how you're treating it.
>"whops, sorry, I complained. I forgot I'm not supposed to complain. I'll get back on the plantation massa."
This is certainly not a joke and you didn't mean it that way either. You were obviously just pissed.
Your wife is mad because she can tell you're not being honest.
>What reasonable woman would take "You guys are slowing me down" with stride.
I don't even think that was the big thing. It was his followup "whops, sorry, I complained. I forgot I'm not supposed to complain. I'll get back on the plantation massa." that did him in. That went from annoyed remark to straight up being rude on purpose
> I just said "I'm sorry" and left it at that
That's not really an apology, man. You have to show that you understand how what you said made her upset and clarify that and/or assure that it won't happen in the future.
Don't just wait you idiot. You still owe her a real apology. Where you acknowledge that you're being passive aggressive and dismissive of her and you acknowledge that you make her feel unwanted, followed by you explaining in detail that you do not see her that way.