Hi Jow Forums, two months ago my ex broke up with me because she didn't have the energy for a relationship, after becoming more and more distant, and that she needs to sort herself out. Also, to add more context, shortly before meeting me, she broke up with her ex, who also was her first. They were together for 3 years (she broke up with him because he was an asshole). She also said she needed time for getting completely over it. Now, she never explicitly told me she is depressed (for some reason she hates talking about it), but I'm fairly sure she is (she also goes to therapy).
Thing is, since we broke up we talked less and less, until she straight up started to ignore me. When we were together we were a perfect match. Even when we broke up she said that she feels good when she's with me and that I'm a wonderful person, but doesn't want me to wait for her. Instead, I want to wait.
But now I haven't heard anything about her for a month. I'm not ready to let go or to move on. My question is: do this kind of people ever manage to get their shit together? Will she ever reach out to me, in any way? I told her my door is always open for her, in any way she wants. Even to be just friends. But no answer from her. I'd like to move on, but I can't. Never met someone that good in my life and probably won't ever met again.
Forgot to mention, when I asked her to tell me if it was because she actually didn't like me anymore and stuff like that, because that way I'd be in peace with myself, she didn't answer either
Wyatt Anderson
>do these people manage to change? Yes but rarely. And it usually takes a long time.
>will she reach out? No idea.
>shes so perfect Are you fucking kidding me? Shes depressed. SHES GHOSTING YOU. If she were so perfect you wouldnt be here making this thread. Youre not thinking straight. Go meet women, youll get over her.
Oliver Garcia
First. Thanks for the answer.
But come on, you know that I "perfect" except from that. She's both her and not her now, and everyone has flaws, even big ones. I know what she's capable of.
Also, I don't have chances to meet other women right now. Even meeting her was a stroke of luck. Besides, I think 24/7 about her. after 3 months of little to no contact. Even when I'm busy (and I'm almost all the time). It's been like this so far, I don't think it'll change soon
Sorry for ranting like a pussy. maybe I'm just too overwhelmed
Isaac Williams
that I mean "perfect"*
Dominic Clark
I have depression and one of the things that I do is withdrawal completely from things that used to interest me or make me happy. That includes friends. When I get into a depressive episode (one of my episodes can lasts for months, too) I just don't find talking to be very enjoyable, so I brood alone all by myself.
Perhaps this scenario is happening with your girlfriend? If this is the case, I would continue to wait it out. But I dunno, I'm projecting.
Nathaniel Moore
I think what user was trying to say was that she has obvious flaws that you remain willfully blind of because she gives you some level of attention. I'm going to be honest dude. What youre doing reeks of desparation, and when you are communicating with others from a place of despair it is typically met with repulsion.
This is because- you're kind of communicating "I am miserable, please join me"
I feel like the reason you are so attached to her is either because another girl you deem attractive hasn't given you the amount of attention as she has or just because you haven't met enough women to see how many good fish their are. My advice; open yourself up more to others.
Not in a creepy "throw all my cards on the table as soon as I meet new people" way, but just in a like- if you truly listen to everyone that you meet you will find that most people give you some "coins" in conversation in order truly get to know them better. These coins may be small "oh I love dogs" for example. Take the coins they give to you to actually get to know each other "so what kinds of dogs do you like? Oh well those are very active breeds, you think you can handle them"
Don't waste time waiting for others to change. Do you think she would wait for you? No? So why on earth are you waiting for her?
Andrew Perry
Sorry for the late response, had to go out. Anyway:
This seems to be the case. She hangs out only with her sister (who is 3 years younger), but this might be an exception because she is extremely protective of her, hasn't told her about her current state (so she has to keep up the farce) and feels responsible for past events that happened, so I think this might also be a way to "make up for that" because otherwise she's afraid of doing even more damage.
Anyway, this gives me strength and hope. Thanks user.
I don't know. Currently she doesn't give me any attention. She has obvious flaws but she's working on them. She was working on them ever since we met, and I always admired the fact that she put effort in it. Is it really desperation not wanting to let go of a person with whom you share many things, interests, and who seems to be a really good match when she is in good condition? And who, presumably, thinks the same but isn't in the condition to take action? Even if it is, is it really that bad? I'm busy with my life, I have many things to do. She isn't everything. But she's important and I miss her. I don't know, is that a bad thing? On a side note, she also always complained how she can't socialize and how she feels lonely at times. That's also why I think that completely giving up might not be the best choice for both of us.
About the "haven't met enough women" part: I met several girls, I'm acquainted with many and I had conversations with them. None has ever been as challenging and stimulating as her, and I get easily bored. Ok, I haven't had many meaningful conversations, but something has to click right at the beginning, because you already get an idea of the person in that moment.
The "coins" example is really good though, never seen it that way.
[cont.]
Brandon Cooper
[cont.]
Also, I think that if the roles were reversed and I asked her to wait she would. Something similar (not of the same importance, but not insignificant either) has happened to me in the past. She waited, I worked on it, I resolved it, everything was fine then. So, unless she stops giving a shit I can always wait, like she did. If it is only a matter of time, I don't mind waiting
Aaron Reed
>since we broke up we talked less and less well idiot you are not her bf anymore
this is where girls make a huge mistake. they try to detach gradually but with men you need to rip the band-aid off quick and hide from them.
Adrian Brooks
I know, but I'm not sure this applies when there are depression and a withdrawal from everything involved
Lincoln Nelson
One update: shortly after she started ignoring me I sent her a long text where I told her I won't contact her anymore, but that I'll always welcome her if she does it, and that if that was a farewell it would be up to her. Today she liked a photo on instagram with a caption saying "I don't talk to people sometimes to see if they'll miss me, but they don't" (she rarely likes stuff on instagram or facebook, unless they hit close to her). Now, should I still stick with the original plan because I'm making a big deal out of it, and keep the "no contact" thing, or should I eventually break the silence (contradicting myself), maybe after waiting a little bit more? In the latter case, what should I tell her? Just something like "hey, I'm still here if you ever need it", something more "emotional", a combination of both, etc.
Jose Myers
Just to clarify: that photo comes from an istagram profile that posts stuff about depression
Thomas Jones
To me it sounds like you were her rebound and she's doing her best to let you down gently.
If I was you, I would do my best to be mature about it even though it hurts. I would let it go and meet a new girl.
David Hill
That was my first thought (I'm good at being paranoid, hurrah), and to a certain degree it could be true. Maybe that's what made her wanting to get to know me the first few times. But there were way too many things that say that's only a very small part of the story, especially after we got to know each other better. I get that she's not ready even if she wasn't depressed, but the temporary infatuation typical of a rebound relationship can't justify how good of a match we were overall. Plus, she said and did things that go beyond that, imo
Evan Perry
Either she's moved on and it's relating to somebody else or shes playing games and you deserve better. Never get back together with an ex; if she dumped you once she'll dump you again
Caleb Anderson
This
she obviously still loves her ex(most women do)
Caleb Gray
I mean, how old are you? I'm getting up there in age, so I say this confidentiality and without any irony, there are more fish in the sea.
It sounds like this chick is a lot more trouble than she's worth. I wish someone would have told me this when I was younger. Fuck her, she ain't your fucking soul mate, you'll meet a new chick that'll make you forget about her. Don't waste your time on some silly bitch that can't figure her shit out. Move on to the next girl. That next girl will probably be your rebound, and retarded as fuck. And the girl after that, and probably the one after that. But that's the point of dating, you'll meet one girl that'll be your new soul mate, and you'll never give this chick a second thought. Don't waste your time on stupid bitches, no matter how much you think you love them. You'll run through a few until you find a new one.
Lucas Thomas
She isn't relating to anyone else, I'm sure of that. And I don't know if being depressed and possibly contradicting yourself qualify as playing games. She dumped me because she hasn't the energy for a relationship and to get to know me better and because she still has to get over her ex and it would be unfair to me until things are like this. This is what she said. And if we remove the root cause of what made her dump me she won't do it again. Unless something else goes wrong, of course.
Actually, he psychologically hurt her more than once and she hates him for that, but they also have spend good moments and she needs to get over those moments to be ready again. Again, this is what she said. Sounds reasonable to me.
I'm 23. I wish my experience could be the same as yours, because I'm not still able to see things that way. I actually thought I found my soul mate, as gay and overly sentimental this shit sounds. The chemistry, the hobbies,the tastes, the way we look at things. So many things that I thought "what the fuck, I can't believe someone like this exists" and I kept being stunned everytime I discovered something new about her. And she thought the same But I'll keep working on that
Camden Morales
>I'm 23 Still actually very young
>I wish my experience could be the same as yours Of course it's not, I'm older than you. I've met lots of great chicks, I just don't waste my time on the ones that can't get their shit together. Why would you?
>The chemistry, the hobbies,the tastes, the way we look at things. Dude I met this chick when I was your age. Looked like Avril Lavigne when she first came out. That iron board red hair that looks like they took an iron to it, and that Hot Topic look. Girl was fucking perfect, liked to smoke weed and play old SNES games. However, it wasn't right. And I moved on. I met lots of "perfect" chicks, like I said that's the point of dating.
I met a lot of fucked up ones too lol, that's a different story.
But I'm actually married now. To a completely different chick than I thought I would be married to.
Andrew Stewart
>didn't have the energy for a relationship >needs to sort herself out >needed time for getting completely over it God why do all women have to be such lying whores. She is certainly "ready" for a relationship with chad if she had the opportunity. Don't be fooled, if you're still being nice to her you're a cuck.
Dylan Barnes
> I just don't waste my time on the ones that can't get their shit together. Why would you?
Because she's the nicest person I ever met, she works hard, has always been considerate, and never stopped being even when things went downhill. I don't know, I think she deserves someone who can see what she's capable of because she only has her sister and a single friend who only partially know what she's going through. Yes, I'm also driven by pity/compassion/whatever, but that doesn't mean I don't value her enough as a person or that I don't think she can look after herself. If anything it's the opposite. It's just a waste someone like her, with that potential, doomed to be that miserable and basically alone. Maybe there's also a little red cross syndrome on my part, but fuck it to be honest. I'd actually enjoy helping her, if she wanted me to.
But I'll guess I'll take your advice and try to meet new girls in the meanwhile and try out different personalities, but I'm not as confident as you. Besides I live in a quite unpopulated area and it's difficult to meet many people
Yeah, I know all of that, it's a script I've seen many times. But this time there is depression involved, which changes everything
Brody Davis
>I'm not as confident as you Why not? You should be confident in yourself. Don't compare yourself to other men. I know it always sounds like cheesy advice, "just b urself bro XD".
But I've been there in your situation. And people like me have given my younger self the same advice. And I ignored it, because I thought my situation was unique and I'm the only one that could possibly feel the way I do, no other man has ever been in this position. This chick is special, she got gets me, I'll never meet another one like her.
But you will, and if you're finding yourself depressed, then it's time to walk away. It's time to take care of number one, and that's you. There's another girl just like her, maybe right down the street, but with less baggage.
Robert Flores
Sorry, I meant "confident" in the chances I can have (because of geography, society etc.), not in my qualities, skills or whatever. About that I 100% agree with you
I find that another thing tha makes me hesitate is: ok, maybe there is another girl just like her, maybe right down the street and with less baggage. But maybe not. And my istinct tells me "nah, not maybe: there isn't. And in the unlikely event that there is, who says she'll like you? Who says you'll ever meet her and you won't live your lives without ever knowing each other?" And it hits hard, because I'm comparing someone that I know that exists and who in certain conditions is attracted to me as much as I'm to her, to someone completely hypotetical. Making this comparison only brings trouble, but it's so "hardcoded" in me that I don't know how to avoid doing it
Samuel Rodriguez
Forgot to say, though, that I never stop taking care of myself, trying to grow as a person and cultivating my interests. At least I can do this right
Easton Turner
>because I'm comparing someone that I know that exists But what you're going to end up doing is having such a specific set of conditions for a woman that no other woman will ever meet them. If you can get this chick back, then by all means do it. But based on what you said to her, how you broke it off with her, and what she said to you...you probably won't.
You said it in another reply, about growing as a person and cultivating your interests. That is the best thing you can do. However, don't base future love interests on this chick that you're talking about. It'll fuck you up.
That's why I said about the Avril chick. She was perfect for me...back then. Then I met my wife, hit me in the jaw like a surprise right hook and knocked me on my ass. Completely different kind of girl, destroyed any expectations I had about women and what they should be.
Mason Allen
not op but imagine if this happened to your wife and all anyone did when you sought help was insult her, tell you your feelings for her were false or overblown or simply worthless, and encourage you to forget about her. for a board full of depressed lonely people Jow Forums is complete dogshit when it comes to situations like this one.
