my boyfriend recently broke up with me because my depression got bad. i dont know how to deal with it. its been quite a while since it happened but i still get panic attacks and cry myself to sleep. he told me he would support me through thick and thin no matter what. when my depression got bad he told me i needed medical help and that i was crazy then kept apologising and telling me i deserve someone better.
a few weeks later hes found himself a new girlfriend whilst im still crying myself to sleep and basically wasting away in my dorm room. im already anti social only have a few friends at uni and just stay in all day. when the breakup happened i didnt leave my dorm for days and didnt eat. i know i sound weak but this was the first time i felt real love for someone, only to be completely fucked over
it still hurts so much knowing that he said that to me when i was going through so much shit. i just need help i want to start afresh and focus on myself but its so hard
Sounds like he was right. Seek medical help. You will not get what you need on a basketweaving forum.
Matthew Walker
How do you know?
Samuel Ortiz
I would strongly consider counseling. I felt the same way you did once.
Luis Nguyen
As a guy who has had such experiences, I'd suggest to stop dating altogether and seek medical help, and only start dating when you get your mind straight.
People don't like depressed people. They need to feel good - and don't want to be brought down by our bullshit. Seriously, seek help. This is advice I'd also give to myself but I'm too fucked up to actually do it.
You had someone who cared and yet you kept wallowing. Itd be hard to stay with someone like that.
Eli Nelson
You sound like you're a mess and it was probably hard to stay with someone who couldn't pull it together. I would seek help, and I don't mean this in a nasty way. Seriously.
Samuel Evans
Completely fucked over? Come on. That is when somebody takes out a loan in your name and then runs off with your father and turns your family against you and then you can't find a home because your credit rating is fucked and have to go live on the streets.
When somebody just doesn't want to be in a relationship with you any more that is as mundane as it gets.
This is typical shit and they'll make you think of shit like this if you do go to counselling or therapy or something other than just banging meds which is basically what you are going to have to do if you want to deal with occasional depressive episodes throughout your life.
It is all about looking at not the situation (that doesn't make you sad) but your interpretation of the situation (that does make you sad) and what is inside your control (often your behaviour and your reaction) and what is outside of your control (past situations, things you can't have, the thoughts and actions of others).
So .. you can't make somebody love you. You can't make somebody come back to you. You feel that you've been completely fucked over, but really, aside from your attitude you are no different now than you were before the situation. There is nothing stopping you changing your behaviour the very next second, or the one after that. You don't even have to change your behaviour, but you do have to accept that you are choosing to wallow in misery because unwarranted misery and feeling victimised is more interesting that being a failure and easier than dealing with your shit.
But if you claim to be unhappy with your situation, dealing with your shit is what you are going to have to do. Don't worry. Fear of failure is human. Grieving when faced with loss is a natural human response. Occasional depression, especially situational is warranted and normal. You might feel that your life is over, but I bet you don't even think of this guy in a years time.
Elijah Perry
I broke up with my wife who was a manic depressive. My life was ruled by her mental health. She didn't take responsibility for it, knowing that she had an issue, but refusing to stay stable on medication, refusing to seek a balanced lifestyle, refusing to stay in jobs or not do dumb things like take out secret debt.
All the time it was "you need to care for me because I have a condition and you need to accept and understand what my condition means". Eventually I was like "it means I have a shit life while you indulge your every random whim without taking any personal responsibility because you firmly believe you have a disease which makes everything outside of your control when I believe that you could try harder". Eventually she was like "you are being really insensitive to my needs and making it worse and making me feel bad" (making her feel bad was worse than murder in her books, because she felt so bad as it was, she didn't need anybody else to make her feel bad) ... I was all "you stole $6,000 for me, poisoned my rabbit and have been telling all our friends I am physically violent to you" (apparently making her feel bad is trying to get her to kill herself which is physical violence in her eyes).
Anyway, it takes a literal lifetime of personal development to unpick all that fuckery and she wasn't willing to do it and I wasn't willing to hang around and be a casualty of it. Seriously, normal people don't celebrate or desire unhappy, depressed, manipulative, fatalistic people.
You can have a relationship when depressed. You've just got to be working on it. Depressed people will blog about how they are sick of having to show normies that they are working on it in order to play in society without feeling judged, but fuck them. You should be judged for not working on your shit, sympathy comes when you are working hard, not when you are playing the victim. I'm not some asshole who can't acknowledge effort.
Justin Sullivan
>Eventually she was like "you are being really insensitive to my needs and making it worse and making me feel bad" (making her feel bad was worse than murder in her books, because she felt so bad as it was, she didn't need anybody else to make her feel bad more like this please
Isaiah Bailey
kill yourself ASAP there is no reason to go on, everything is ruined
Luke Edwards
thanks everyone for your advice, it's nice to hear the opinions of people who don't know me because they dont know me as a person so have no previous judgement. It was the first time I felt like I mattered to someone so I know it's probably partly due to me not stepping back and looking at the situation. I signed up for counselling at the time and started taking meds and I asked for support because it was a tough decision to make for me. But he dumped me the day after my first dose haha I completely understand why he had enough of me, I don't blame him. I took steps to improve but they weren't enough. I'll keep taking more
Nathan Thompson
Hey OP I got dumped by my boyfriend recently too. It was a toxic relationship and we were both shit to each other. Both depressed.
I also signed up for therapy. Best you can do is take responsibility for your part. Don't dwell on what he's doing, you can only control yourself.
Things will get better when you better yourself.
Parker Ramirez
Hahaha, how the fuck did you get suckered in to marrying this one in the first place? Please don't tell me you had children with her?
Aiden Bell
Ironically, this is exactly the kind of post that is needed to make OP realize that it's not as big of a deal as she makes it out to be
Jordan James
You need to love yourself first before anybody else can love you back. He did you a favor.
Psychologist. Also stop stalking your ex. Delete your social media and go outside. Sun and cardio (walking) helps with depression.
First 'serious' relationship. Led to believe that it was unique or special in some way. Led to believe that to struggle or suffer meant greater pay off in the end. Marriage was a commitment to make it work irrespective of how weird it got. Lots of intense sex, we'd fuck 6+ times a day, could do anything I wanted sexually. Quite exciting if I'm honest in hindsight, always something going on, never a dull moment in my life even if it was horrible and difficult most of the time. She was chaotic, but she was interesting. She attracted interesting people and as a result my social life was banging. I was a professional musician and my lifestyle was quite chaotic as it was. She was up until the end very loyal and supportive to me, but in words only, she never met the goals she set herself, just further reasons to try and guilt me.
Basically everything was to guilt me in some way. I didn't know if I was coming or going most of the time. If I said something like "man, this place is a dump, it is bringing me down" she'd be "how do you think I feel? When you say this place is a dump you bring my attention to it which makes my depression worse, also when you talk about being down you make me feel like a failure even though I'm not at all responsible for your mood, stop trying to manipulate me. Also by directly blaming me for not cleaning up even though you know I have depression and am not simply lazy you are being an asshole and insensitive and showing your true feelings towards me" I'd be like ... ok? whatever I didn't mean to do any of that and she'd be "that is the problem with you, you don't understand you say you do, yet you still act like this, it must be deliberate, malicious even" ..
It'd go on forever until a proper argument would start and I'd leave the house or punch a wall or something and she'd get online to brag about I tried to punch her and then had to leave because I couldn't control my temper because she wouldn't let me bully her about my messes.
Julian Smith
Can you explain love yourself? Everybody says it like it is a meaningful thing which everybody agrees with, but nobody seems to be able to explain how it is helpful or even desirable? I don't get it.
Like, accept yourself, take responsibility for yourself, accept the consequences of your actions and own your choices as authentic instead of acting like your choices were against your will as you prefer to disempower yourself and enfeeble yourself. But don't love yourself. That just cheapens the nature of love.
Love is sacrifice. At its most basic it is allowing something to get close enough to hurt you. It is mostly about giving up things in order to show care for those you care about. This is almost entirely incompatible with 'loving yourself'.
Everybody I've tried to ask about this just gives up somewhere around "idk make sure you have a nice bubble bath once in a while or something jeez".
Xavier Moore
It is very simple. Be selfish. Be lazy. Do stuff which only purpouse is to make yourself happy. Be content. Look at yourself in the mirror and smile. Because ehy wouldnt the reflection in the mirror smile? You are gandsome, you have shitton of things and your daily plan is packed full of things you enjoy.
Basically do everything what depressed people dont do: enjoy being alive.
Who cares about your ex? His fault he let yourself go. Stop trying to find your self worth in others, figure yourself first.
I'm fucked up, you're fucked up. Double negative is a positive. Hmu ;)
Brayden Wood
All of those things have very little to do with love as I define it. I don't want to vanish into semantics, but being selfish is just being selfish (and isn't desirable unless you just mean make sure your needs are met, ie common sense) and being lazy is just being lazy (and not desirable unless you just mean make sure your needs are met, ie common sense). Smile in the mirror? Ok? I guess that is what they are talking about when they write songs about love. Your daily plan is packed full of things you enjoy? Yeah it should be balanced, happiness is often a state of mind and with the right state of mind you'll enjoy being challenged, in the wrong state of mind being challenged is absolutely awful.
Learn to love yourself should just fuck off and die and be replaced with far more practical advice. Learn to accept yourself, learn to be happy with yourself when you deserve to be happy with yourself based on your standards which should be grounded in reality. But don't cheapen love because it sounds good to use that word.
Robert Murphy
You need therapy and not a bf.
One of the rules of AA is no relationships for a year of being clean.
Only once you can clean up your emotions and come to terms with your internal pain should you even consider beginning a relationship with another person.
Julian Reyes
well said
Jaxon Richardson
>just fuck off and die Funny. I feel the same about depressed people.
OP, you need to work on yourself and perhaps get therapy. I can understand why your ex boyfriend left because in the end of the day, being with a girl who is not happy with herself is really, really difficult. My ex girlfriend struggled with depression as well so i certainly speak from experience. You need to find the root cause of your depression so you can start tackling it. As i said, seeking medical help might be your best bet for now. Once you start recovering from your depression you can look for another boyfriend. Remember, you can't expect someone to love you if you don't love yourself.
Justin Garcia
Hmm... well perhaps the answer to this is in the way you describe love, user. What I mean is that 'sacrifice' isn't random but is because one has a desire for what they hope it will achieve. A longing for what the closeness and the giving up of things might realize, despite the pains and hurts that come with allowing this with intent. You know all this, of course, but perhaps what they mean by 'loving yourself' is having this kind of desire towards oneself. Aching to see your own vision for yourself come to fruition so badly that you push your own boundaries and fight whatever demons stand in the way between you and what you desire for yourself, no matter how many tears you shed trying
Not sure if that perspective makes sense regarding what they meant by it. Would be dope if those people were here to either confirm or deny
Julian Collins
That is an excellent way to put it, but I think most people saying it wouldn't mean it that way. I just want to get across that saying it is important or vital to love oneself without any details as to what that looks like is kind of meaningless and derogatory towards the value (and cost) of love. Also what if you don't love yourself? What if you are ok despite this? Should you feel the burden of not loving yourself if it is important or vital to so many people, irrespective of if they can even define it?
Semantics again, but important definitions to make. Why love yourself when you could say define your ideal character with objective traits which are within your control and be mature enough to work towards living them and accept when you don't or can't for what it is? Either in or out of your control.
For me love is expressed through the desire to give to others which often involves sacrifice and being open to pain through loss or rejection, yet you do it anyway because you love and the alternative would be unthinkable.
David Nguyen
I'm in a relationship with a manic depressed partner for about 3 years now. I'm reaching a breaking point. Everything is about them and their problems. Constant panic attacks about tiny things. Complete lack of sex. I distanced myself just like your ex did. Because being woth a depressed person eats up your life. Until there is nothing left and you are a mental wreck yourself. Depressed people should not date. Figure out your shit before you consider sharing it with someone else.
Oliver Reyes
You need to get off your fucking ass and go make a start on fixing your problem. No one can force you to do that, we can only tell you that there are ways for you to fix it, up to you to take the first step.
Liam Green
Everyone knows not to stick your dick in crazy and if they start out ok and become crazy then you bail. You gonna waste more of your life on this person or you gonna break up?
William Moore
I'm not sure yet. I was naive and thought I could deal with depression. But oh boy was I wrong.
