my bf wants me to change my last name to his when we marry, I feel like we're having this convo way too early in the relationship (1 year) and on top of that I don't want to since I come from a culture where women retain their last names and I feel like it's a big part of my identity.
My bf grudgingly agreed but all he ever says now is how I don't love him and I'm unwilling to make any sacrifices for him but oh what can he do about it.
You are both right, but neither of you is right for the other. If its still early in the relationship for you, cut your losses now and find someone who is cool with you keeping your last name and he can find someone who wants to take his.
I'm going to sound like a huge faggot but I love him so much. He's my first bf and honestly my entire world. He's already moving across the country for me, and now he's saying I'm unwilling to make sacrifices for him etc.
I feel so shit, breaking it off now will just make me look like a huge douchebag to him and his family and everyone else
If you want to keep your last name then keep it. He's being unreasonable here. Say it matters to you a lot.
He agreed to let me keep it, but now he's so cold and distant and passive aggressive. He keeps saying things like "I knew I was the only one who cared about this relationship to make sacrifices" etc.
The sacrifice he's talking about is that he's moving across the country to my city (we met online in a video game).
You really should break it off. He's moving across the country for you and you refuse to change a name. In the end you both wont be happy, save yourself the hassle and do it now OP.
I would say you have 3 options then, listed from one extreme to the other. 1 You agree to take his name and mean it. 2 You agree to take his name and don't mean it (best case scenario it grows on you and isn't an issue by the time you get married, worst case you just postponed the issue until its an even bigger deal). 3 You go ahead with my advice to cut things off.
Between your two posts you have said two contradictory things
>it's a big part of my identity
>honestly my entire world
Figure out which one of these is true, and start from there
Is he willing to change his last name for you? I'm guessing no.
That's what I asked him, he said no because it wasn't tradition. I countered with it wasn't part of my tradition to adopt a husband's last name either, and all he said was that I am making us choose my tradition over his.
Thanks for this, it was really helpful. I"m still debating on what to do.
I have a quesiton though, is it really true that I can't love him with all that I am unless I agree and change my name? I just feel like I can both have an attachment to my heritage and culture and at the same time love him.
>"I knew I was the only one who cared about this relationship to make sacrifices" etc.
I had an LDR boyfriend (my first, like yiu, deep feelings) who said things like that to me, guilt tripping me, "woe is me, I do every thing" (not true but whatever) he was toxic and eventually left me anyway. Be careful.
Out of curiosity what culture are you referring to?
I agree she should keep it if she wants, but i dont think he is being unreasonable. For most people a woman taking on her partners name is very closely related to the idea of love and marriage in a long term relationship. If he moved across the country for her he probably feels betrayed and tricked, and that in turn will lead to his being upset.
What is the traditional norm in the country/area that you are located in? Is it one way where he was (female takes male name), and a different way where you both are now (female retains own name), or is it the same in both locations? Did he have a reasonable expectation for you to take his name prior to this conversation?
Despite you saying that it is early in the relationship, if he moved across the country for you that should have been a pretty big indication that things were serious for one or both of you.
I'm Chinese, he's British
I see... right now I just can't imagine if he left me. I feel like I would never find someone like him again. Even though it's LDR, we spend time everyday skyping, playing video games, watching shows etc....
But I'm also afraid of him being 'toxic' as you say. There has been other worrying things but i guess this name one is the most recent one and the most critical as of right now
I think he's just being a whiny lil bitch. Tell him to stop being a whiny lil bitch. No offense to either of you.
Lol this is such a typical WMAF relationship
Glad to help
> is it really true that I can't love him with all that I am unless I agree and change my name?
I think you can, but it also seems that he doesn't feel that you can. In the end I'm just some random guy on the internet, its how the BOTH of you feel that's important. Also interested in your answer to these questions
We live in Canada, I"m not sure here but I suppose it's just like the other white countries? Wife takes husband's last name etc. Same country but different cities, I don't think it differs from city to city that much.
He mentioned it in passing before, and I basically said that I liked my own last name etc, he seemed upset but he didn't mention it again so now that he did I feel really caught off because I thought he already knew and was fine with it.
>he says I don't love him now
haha don't give into this
how do you feel about any children you have being assigned his last name? I think that would be a more reasonable request from him.
I don't mind the children having his last name. In my culture, that's how it usually goes; the children having the dad's last name.
I wanted to give our children Chinese names on the side as part of their heritage, but he got touchy at that too and said that if our children went to China there would be no indication that they were his children because of their name.
I sort of found that weird anyways, because if our children had English names (they will), there will be no indication of me being their mother anyways either.
Ok, as much as i have advocated that you are both in the right, and that its just a cultural difference that may or may not be worked through, if he already knew that you wanted to keep your last name, then moved across the country anyway just to give you a guilt trip he is a tool.
he sounds like an entitled dickhead. are you with him because of his status?
Well it's your name so your tradition should take precedence - he can observe his tradition with his name and not change it either. He sounds like a dick desu.
What does chinese names on the side mean? It sounds like he wants it his way all the time and won't compromise so why not just break it off now. These are big issues and you aren't even living together yet.
Think to yourself.
If you really love him, why wouldn't you throw your culture away, especially at something so hilarious.
But why didn't you find someone that shares your culture in the first case?
$5 says OP refuses to date her own race, so she always ends up with white losers
Most relationships fall apart in the 9 - 12 month period because that's when you know everything you need to about one another, including if the relationship has a future.
It's assumed you will take his name when you get married, if you're having the conversation you are at the decision point.
You also need to consider if you actually want to keep your surname because you are all for your culture (where I presume you don't live and haven't for a while) or because you just want to be difficult and keep it as a bargaining chip.
hey guys op here
he just broke up with me lol
i guess it all doesn't matter now anymore
Even as a white male, this is damn true
As is
Sorry to hear that Op
Don't do LDR in the future, they prevent you from quickly learning who the person really is. You end up wasting tons of time on someone's online persona, before you realize they're shit IRL.
I did the right thing right. I didn't beg him to stay this time, I let him go. I think he'll find someone that can make him more happy and someone that can love him unconditionally like he wanted to
I really think I gave him all the love I had though
What do I do now lol what do i do
Yeah, you did the right thing. You mourn the relationship for a while and then move on. Being single will be good for you, you need better self esteem. This guy was kind of a dick but you're still angsting over him like he "deserves better". You're the one that deserves better.
Unconditional love isn't meant for romantic relationships, it's more for parent&child. Someone treating you like garbage isn't a hardship you have to get through, it's a sign to drop them.
It is indeed pretty early in the relationship to talk about things like marriage and changing last names. But I think it is good that it was brought up, because it is obviously something he views important. And if you want to go further with your relationship with him, that is probably something you'll have to work out with him. Don't give into his guilt tripping. A couple is just as good even if they don't share a last name.
Probably for the best, for you at least. Keep your chin up OP.
In Western cultures it's expected that a woman will take her husband's last name. Taking his last name is a public display of your love and commitment to him. The male equivalent is to buy the woman a relatively expensive diamond engagement ring, although it may seem wasteful it is physical and public proof that he is committed to a single woman.
If your boyfriend gave you an engagement ring with a zirconia instead of a diamond your friends and family would say to you what a thrifty measure it was, but amongst themselves they would agree that he isn't serious about the relationship. The same thing will happen to him if you get married but keep your father's name.
By keeping your father's name you'll make him less respected amongst his peers, he'll harbour at least some (probably a lot) of resentment to you because of it and it'll handicap the marriage right from the start.
You need to decide how much of your personal identity is tied to your last name and if it's worth disrespecting your future husband over.
I really needed this, it's fantastic. Thank you.
np. Gud luck friendo
You are sounding like a huge faggot, and more specifically, a giant cunt.
You come from a patriarchial culture, and so does your boyfriend. You become part of your husband's culture when you marry him. Therefore, respect him as a husband by adopting his custom.
Where are you from?
congrats, you just threw away the love of your life for your own stupid pride, just so that you could one day be able to awkwardly say "I'm missus Zhong, and this is my son, Charles Lanchester" or whatever.
Fix it before it's too late.
>there'd be no indication of being their mother
Except for the shitty Han genetics that would mix poorly with his also shitty Bong genetics
>You come from a patriarchal culture
>Where are you from?
Are you that much of a fuckwit naturally or did you have to work at it?
As petty as it sounds, this is true. It doesn't sound too early to talk about if the conversation was just talking about whatif situations. If I were in his shoes, I'd probably just drop the issue just because it seems petty but I would be salty about it occasionally.
even if you change your name he is using emotional blackmail to get what he wants. he moved so you have to sacrifice your tradition? it isn't like you had this discussion before he moved. if he loved you he would respect you.
it won't end here. you change your name, feel some resentment, then the next things comes up that you need to change or "you won't sacrifice for me" You agreed to one child but he wants another "don't you love me?"
seriously just break up.
the guy is immature and whiny.
Who wants their kid to be named Wangchun BingBing Dong'Chang though? Just to be seriously fair.
Marriage is compromise so if you cannot do that just don't marry. Japanese people at least have decent names like Ichiro or Sakura.
You can certainly share his name like ChungSmith or something. Isabella Han-Jones is a great name.
Shut up Reddit, yeah she's a saint who deserves to keep her silly name and he's this huge cockmonger for wanting kids with western names and being a breadwinner who can have pride in himself and his accomplishments.
t. Yellow fever
just saw this and I had posted above.
what a douchenugget. told you he didn't respect you. enjoy life and forget he even existed. block him too because he'll play games with you soon enough, thinking that dumping you will make you change your mine.
have a wonderful life op!!!!
This desu, this sounds like a big and advanced guilt trip, and I'd advise for dropping guilt trippers on the spot
if you want western names then marry a fucking western woman.
not to mention the kids would still have english last name. in addition he would choose to live in Asia meaning the kids being mixed would already stand out and should have local names. you can even give them too names.
if he wants a traditional western life then why the fuck would be date someone from across the world? probably nobody local put up with his shit.
Congratulations on your release
Look at all these beta white knight arbiters. 'He's being so unreasonable' etc. The only thing he should introduce to you are options. You take the name or you leave.
It's his own fault for not enforcing these boundaries, but then again many modern men are effeminate bitches who are scared to push buttons or take what is theirs.
Listen pumpkin, it's not your fault but if you don't take his last name it'll be one mark of resentment in a long line of further resentment he's going to hold against you, he's just too much of a bitch to take the loss and say 'bye bye' to you, so you'll end up in the eventual pit of regret and animosity down the line.
I can already tell that it'll be a long line of compromises on his part, and if he isn't running you right, the both of you will end up running this relationship into the dirt because if this charade does continue you'll eventually look at him and wonder why you ever did marry such a weak man.
>Japanese people at least have decent names like Ichiro or Sakura
alright guys who gave the neckbeard in his mother's basement wifi, it's past his bedtime wtf
>people actually think OP is in the wrong for respecting her family
It's not as though alt-right yellow fever fags with mommy and/or daddy issues would know what it's like to be in a family where culture and tradition matters.
OP, do know that any man who is worth marrying will respect you AND your family, and won't just see you as a subservient accessory to his own lifestyle as your (now ex) boyfriend does.
t. fellow British-Canadian man
Fucking yellow fever racemixers.
>We live in Canada
Of course.
Fuck you, libshit, race traitors are just that and have nothing to do with whatever bogeyman you've built in your head.
Canada needs to be nuked from orbit.
i bet 80 bucks and say that you're a 500 lb autistic black woman infuriated about the world bc black men would rather date white women than dick you down
>My bf grudgingly agreed but all he ever says now is how I don't love him
what an immature manipulating crybaby
I thought you were funny at first but with time I've come to worry about your mental health.
kek
Find the flaw in what I said. You can call me crazy (which is false regardless), but I'm not a hypocrite and I'm not inconsistent.
ideally you both give up part of your identities in a relationship, men usually do this in abstract terms like becoming a breadwinner, becoming a couple means you are joined in many different ways.
Listen OP, I understand you're going to feel guilty about not making "sacrifices" for this man but if I was that man, then I would understand why this is so important to you like you said being part of your identity and part of what your cultural heritage is in terms of marriage. If this guy doesn't understand this then you have a choice, you can leave him or you can choose to make that sacrifice for him. Personally, I wouldn't blame you if you chose your identity over me if I was that guy. The choice is yours.
>He's my first bf and honestly my entire world
>My first bf is my entire world
Watch out, that could change quickly and easily. If it's not too late I'd tell that boy to not move across the country for you.
Fuck, I should've read the thread before I posted If you're still in the thread (which I doubt you'd be 6 hours after getting dumped), I hope you can feel better soon. Good luck, it always sucks.
Make sure you only date Asians from now on.
You'll be cutting your potential chances of divorce by 85% compared to yellow fever fags.
I think you're both retarded. Congratulations.
Is this even an issue? I my country this is a no brainer..
She's probably not still here but I might as well say it.
From what I'm getting I have the same impression as most here, that the guy seemed like some yellow-fever having dude who just wanted you because of that.
The fact that he didn't know how much this means to your culture makes it seem like you guys were very early in the relationship.
One of the biggest issues when it comes to interracial couples is culture.
If you want it to work you have to be genuinely interested in each other's culture and take steps to understand them.
Being accepted by each other's family is also a big part of it.
If not you'll end up in a situation like this where your cultures clash or one of you ends up giving up your culture and adopting the other.
It's not an unreasonable request. I would not have married my wife if she refused to take my last name. I would not have said something as underhanded as she did not love me, but I would have made it clear that it's not going to work out otherwise.
Too lazy to read the whole thread. What do you two think about hyphenating your last name?
>yourlastname-his
Hi LeeKyung
How is taking someones last name related to you making the judgement that he is a white loser? Who made you mad Cheng?
>Who wants their kid to be named Wangchun BingBing Dong'Chang though
>ChungSmith
>Isabella Han-Jones
Not that guy, but as a western european I can say that the chicks here are on a power trip. If you say something you lose your job by doxxing. It is a shitty deal as a white male.
>You go girl
Two humans at fault, cut this power women bs.
>Unconditional love isn't meant for romantic relationships, it's more for parent&child
The absolute state of the west
OP you're a giant cunt.
I'm Chinese too. OP if you had married a Chinese guy, you'd know you yourself would have to change your last name to his. So why the fuck is this an issue when it's your >honestly my entire world boyfriend
the man is dominant, the woman joins his family when she marries, she changes her name to his.
lmao fucking dumbass where in China do you see women taking their husband's lastname? Take your white cocksucking shitface somewhere else
yea from a time where taking last names meant inheriting status from the man's family, sure
If you are famous and your career is attached to your name, don't change it.
If you are about to be, don't change it.
Otherwise, changing it is fine.
Keep your last name and add the "of -boyfriend lastime-" legally.
I don't know how it's in aglo countries, i think you can keep your and add his like
Carmela Carmine Marries Billy Bowl
Gives= Carmela Carmine Bowl
white? you fucking numbskull. I know you're talking out of your ass. The wife is always addressed by the husband's surname in Chinese customs. OP is a lying cunt
Are you a fucking dumbass? Where are you from, Hongkong, where they adopted the dumbass western traditions because they're too much of a special snowflake to adhere to their roots?
Women retain and go by their own lastnames in China, seems like you're dumb cultureless shit
just add his name and keep your previous?
>X Y Z
>X Y Z Ç
so you're not even caucasian eh
I am. Racemixing of any kind is degenerate.
>My bf grudgingly agreed but all he ever says now is how I don't love him and I'm unwilling to make any sacrifices for him but oh what can he do about it.
None of the rest of your story or circumstances matter outside of this line. Your boyfriend is being a cunt. Tell him to get over it or move on.