I have a bit of a relationship dilemma I’ve been thinking of fixing/moving on from for quite a long time, and I could really use your help as I can’t seem to make up my mind and I don’t have much of a social circle to talk to about this. It’s a bit of a long story and I use a lot of words and suck at condensing down my story(sorry), so if you have little time read the tl;dr if you want.
So I have known my girlfriend since may last year. We met during a festival, as I was in a bit of a rough spot during the time, I got attention from her and I went with it.. I really enjoyed the attention and we hit it off physically pretty quick. I was superficially attracted, but not head over heels in this department either. Bit of a side note: during this time I was just near the end of about 2 years worth of group therapy in another city (for anxiety & rebuilding social life & all that) and just trying to figure my life out in my old city again. During group therapy I kinda had my heart broken by a girl I was head over heels obsessively in love with, it didn’t work out in the end. I believe I was still healing from that since January that year though I kept pushing that aside/away for as long as I could as the pain was too great and just another confirmation that I was an unlovable loser.
We had some dates after our first “meeting” and it was alright, quite mellow and interesting. We were able to have very deep conversations which I really appreciated, and just hanging about town.. something I hadn’t done with a girl in a long time. It felt good to learn she was into me, and even though I didn’t initially feel much for her; I thought I was just having too much on my mind and that I needed to give it some time with her for me to develop those feelings.
At the end of each date I was left a bit confused; confused as to whether I really felt much for her, or that I’m just sticking around because it’s better than being alone and convinced I shouldn’t quit things so prematurely, I always cut our time together short though I still did enjoy the time together. In august, after 2-3 months of on and off dating I decided to call it quits and confess I didn’t want to continue seeing her, because I just didn’t feel anything for her.. at least I thought so. I ended up actually telling her that I just wanted to break up because of my issues which I had to deal with first, without actually spilling the thoughts that I was convinced I just wasn’t attracted to her like that (too scared of hurting her). That day ended with a sense of relief and guilt. Not a month later, after she messaged me & congratulating me on getting my own place, she invited me and I decided to visit her when in town to see if we could continue as friends. One thing led to another and I decided to give it another try romantically. In October, after dating again and getting my own place. I was a bit overwhelmed with life after the moving I kinda crashed and.had a weeks worth of insomnia. She stuck by me during this time. After this week, I crashed even further (prescribed sleep medication worsened my situation and appeared to exacerbate my chronic fatigue syndrome). As I’ve been crawling out of this deep mess, she stuck by me all this time. She’s come & visited me so often, tried to get me out & about, cooked for me, did groceries etc, while I was house & bed bound. She stuck by me for 6 months even without having sex once. Now that we finally started having sex again since march (as I’m slowly starting to regain my physical health), she seems more head over heels in love with me. And even though the sex is not anywhere near mind-blowing or amazing, I rationalize that it’s better than fapping all day.
>Cont. (2/5)
Jose Gonzalez
We have very stimulating conversations, we connect mentally very well (she’s ENFP, I’m INFP), have similar values & stimulate each other to grow in life, though we have differing interests. She’s also incredibly sweet and is able to see through some of my bullshit and give me advice where it’s due, which I do appreciate. Physically I find her eyes, hair, and clothing style attractive but the rest I don’t find attractive at all, and when I look into her eyes I don’t feel that much. It’s only when we have deep conversations, philosophize, and hug is when I feel the slightest “love chemical”, though I sometimes have to force myself to feel it. She regularly confesses her love for me, reassures me every chance she gets, and tells me she feels like she’s won the lottery by meeting me as she’s never felt so understood and loved before in her life. She’s a really, really great person. I just don’t feel that amazing spark and almost sickening obsession I had for that other girl a year prior. I thought this type of romantic feeling could potentially grow different in different situations/people, as slowly falling in love could be a better thing.. still unsure about that, or even being a possibility.
It feels like she’s the only connection to the outside world I have at this point. And possibly my only “port” into a possible social life in the future, once this medical complication (being bedridden with fatigue, anxiety, and chronic pain) is over. Something we both fantasize and plan for a lot - the time I’ll be my old functioning self again. Indirectly I feel pressure in this (even though she’s very consciously not pressuring me because she understands that’s counterproductive), pressure that should I get better I should treasure her & thank her like no one else as she has stuck by me through all of my shit once I am recovered or improved to the point of functioning in society again.
>Cont. (3/5)
Jack Robinson
Sort of like a huge investment she’s made. All my friends & family pretty much stopped caring/gave up on me, or contact has just slowly died out (mostly social contacts I made around the city I had therapy in, before moving back to my old home town where I have about zero social contacts).
I finally write this thread and want to reach out for help and advice on this tonight, because, she just left after she cooked for me, we bathed together, had pretty intense sex, and.. despite my health complications (fatigue & depression at the moment, mostly), it seemed like everything I wanted in a romantic date night so to speak… But I just can’t ignore the fact that -again- I am left feeling incredibly empty and fraud-like, as half of the night I felt like I needed to “force myself” into being engaging with her and showing my interest in her & loving her. All this time I attributed these difficulties and forcing myself to the social anxiety and depression I feel, but I am left wondering if that’s truly just it. When she’s gone I find myself hardly thinking about her and it takes so much effort to reply to her text messages, I too kinda don’t look forward to her coming over as giving her the attention I think I should give her stresses me out a bit, almost every time she leaves I am left feeling a little better than before- that it was a good thing she came over. What’s so confusing to me is, that before this I was so desperate for a love in my life, one that I could describe like her, but now that it’s here it seems it’s not what I want, and I’m unsure if I’m just depressed, or it’s just not meant to be and I need to stop trying to make it happen & staying with her out of fear of being alone and fear of hurting her (especially after all she’s done for me & stuck by me all this time).
>Cont. (4/5)
Jason Collins
And maybe I just have too high standards? I feel terrible thinking this. But one of the reasons I stay with her too is I feel incredibly vulnerable (physically and mentally) due to my condition I’m recovering from very slowly, and that the added stress of breaking up (& potentially breaking up out of poor judgment/just feeling depressed and mistaking that with not being in love).
After her in my life I’ve grown increasingly numb, depressed, and lost~ and I’m unsure if that’s just a coincidence or a telltale sign that this “forced love” just isn’t healthy, and has pushed my already unhealthy and stressed self into deeper depths of disconnect and depression? I feel incredibly mean, guilty, and confused just by thinking all this and writing this about her. As she’s one of the biggest sweethearts I’ve known. I love her a lot, but I guess I’m not -in- love with her? Even though I’d like that more than anything. She truly is a gem.
She’s coming over tomorrow and I’m unsure whether I should think about this long and hard before doing anything stupid out of this depressed state, or just spill all my thoughts, and perhaps make the decision myself to stop the relationship and invite a whole lot of messy drama, hurt, and even more loneliness.
>Cont.(4.5/5)
Ethan Williams
What do you guys think? Should I keep dragging this out, stop wasting her time, and stop postponing the inevitable hurt? Or wait this out until I get over my depression just enough to recognize what I really feel with a clear mind and -then- decide, instead of cutting it off in this vulnerable state?
>tl;dr Together with girlfriend for about a years, she’s 28, I’m 25. Around 4 months in I got in a bit of a life crisis- burnout/fatigue/insomnia/depression hit. Right after I moved into my own new apartment. We met during a festival & hit things off with physical intimacy. I was unsure I felt any feelings for her from the start but I enjoyed the attention and the physicality. Unsure, still to this day, if I have true feelings for her or not. Or whether I’m just deeply depressed and need to get over my problems and -then- decide whether to stay in relationship or not. Very vulnerable and lonely except for having her in my life, scared that cutting her out of my life I’ll be forever regretting it and end up rotting and dying alone.
>(5/5) >Damn. This took ages to write, a huge thanks if anyone's reading this far out. Not expecting anyone to read it all and respond, would still be a great surprise and greatly appreciated
holy shit user, there's really no other way to summerize this? no one's going to want to read a wall of text THIS massive, especially since people don't take or follow through with most of the advice people dispense here.
Nathan Collins
nvm I'm an idiot you posted a tl;dr
Noah Martinez
The tl;dr is a bit of a mess but that's expected due to it being a tl;dr. So if I'm understanding correctly are you questioning wither or not it's worth being with someone if you yourself don't feel complete and confident on your own?
Robert Brooks
no prob
Yeah sorry. Mainly it is indeed me questioning that (whether it's worth being with someone if I don't feel complete and confident on my own), but more importantly; feeling a profound emptiness/not feeling "in love" with her. And I'm unsure whether I truly do not feel in love with her, or it's just because of the depression I feel. And on top, I'm scared to a) be alone because she's the only one in my life right now, and b) scared of hurting her, as she's invested so much, and I care more about her than pretty much any other person.
I also don't want to feel like a fraud or like I've taken advantage of her in my low points, as she stuck around and been there for me all along and I always reassured her I loved her 100%.
Michael Carter
Obviously no one can say definitely if someone is in love with someone else or not, but to me from an outsider's prospective, it sounds like you do love her. Contrary to popular belief, you CAN be happy and fulfilled with someone in your life even if you don't feel that way on your own. I dated my now ex for five years without a stable foundation of my own self worth, we still were great for each other and made one another very happy. So not wanting to be alone I can understand, but it seems like you do have a real connection with her. And I think the second problem is solved within the answer of the first problem.
Nicholas Scott
Hmmm
Yeah I do feel "connected" with her, and I do care for her a lot. But I just don't seem to feel "in" love, you know? It's nothing like the head over heels spark & butterflies I've felt for a girl a year prior. I hate myself not feelings this for her too, as she's perfect textbook wise (besides below average looks). I'm scared & wondering if not actually feeling "in-" love with your significant other is a big guarantee for things not working out long term.
This is where my dilemma lies
Josiah Cook
Well, she can't be that perfect if you're not feeling it, maybe you're just feeling a very strong friendship? Trying to find out and defining exactly what it is that's keeping you from being completely with her (since there's some sort of mental barrier) might be important, maybe it is her looks, as shallow as that sounds, you have to have a physical attraction as much as a mental and emotional one too. Maybe you're attracted to this other girl just because she's something new and different? I might give you full post(s) a read, I'm gonna need some coffee though.
Juan Young
I'd love to be good friends with her (she says we're like best friends & lovers, I agree), but the barrier I think indeed is the physical part. I have to really try hard every time to feel attracted physically & to be turned on.
I'd love if you could give the full posts a try but totally understand if it's a little too long
Christian Peterson
Alright, so, this girl sounds amazing, and this sounds a lot like my situation (minus the health issues of course) with my first gf, so lets dig in.
That girl you were still getting over when you met your current gf? I'd bet good money that that was a terrible relationship, and that she was very pretty, and that her pushing you away made you want her more since it had that "chase" factor. That was an unhealthy relationship, do NOT lament your "loss" of her.
Your girl now sounds absolutely amazing, wife material actually and I'm not even the marrying type. I'm guessing what it is that you're missing is what I suspected earlier that because she's not that great looking, I'm guessing not as good as that crush you were getting over, and you miss that. This might not be the answer you're hoping to hear but it's good that you're open to it, but this sounds like a good case to seek therapy for. Not group counseling, but one on one therapy to work through these issues. You've got to give this 100% before calling it quits.
I was like this too, I actually checked myself into therapy because I had this thought if my "one that got away" suddenly texted me out of the blue and was like "hey what's up I'm sorry let's meet for a coffee" I would've dropped my then gf of several months without a second thought. I didn't like that I felt like this, I knew I should be more committed. You need therapy to get over this.
Bentley Long
Make friends then dumb her
Zachary Carter
Damn user, this post of yours isn't that far off on hitting the mark actually. Kinda hurts to think about, but I guess the chase factor was indeed something that made the last relationship so exciting, and her looks. Was physically incredibly infatuated with her, compared to my current. If I could have her looks and the personality of my current, then that would be 100% perfect in a way..
I do agree it sounds like a good idea to give it a 100% try before pulling the plug with the assumption that not feeling in love = not a chance for it in the future or that I'm just depressed and simply can't access that feeling right now, because indeed on paper she's near perfect in a way.
But then I fear after following -V 's advice I will feel a ton better. And that I've just dug a hole of guilt surrounding her & becoming a spineless nice guy, castrated from my true feelings and not having the balls to fully sever the ties with her..
John Bell
Oh shit I didn't even consider that your depression is messing with your hormones and could be why you feel the way you do, but that's why I never got my psych degree. If you're on anti-depressants now, talk to your (psych) doctor about the situation and switching them, if you're not on them, then it could be a hormone imbalance. Don't trash this yet, really think about this, how much she's committed to you, do you ever think you'll find another girl like this again? Maybe I'm just projecting in thinking probably not, because I'm pretty sure I couldn't.
John Myers
I'm not on any antidepressants, I consciously avoid medication right now. Afaik the depression was provoked from the withdrawal of benzodiazepines (prescribed for anxiety induced insomnia at the time). But yeah, very plausible it's due to a hormonal imbalance, but the idea to trash the relationship crosses my mind quite a lot, the idea kind of gives me a relief in some way. As forcing myself to love her at times leaves me even more depleted. But I also realize I don't have much perspective in this time of my life and I don't want to ruin anything worthwhile just because I'm feeling like shit and think she's contributing to it or anything.
I definitely don't think I'll find a girl like this again, at least not for the foreseeable future, definitely not while I'm down in the dumps like this and mostly still housebound.
Kevin Ortiz
please respond
Austin Long
bump
Justin Davis
That was 3am for me when you posted that buddy, I was sound asleep.
>But I also realize I don't have much perspective in this time of my life and I don't want to ruin anything worthwhile just because I'm feeling like shit
Don't ignore this feeling. Anxiety is common with depression, I think this may be close to another mental state but the name escapes me. A psychiatrist sounds like the best prescription for you buddy, they can help with writing meds if they feel that you need them or could benefit from them, but maybe after complete withdrawal from the benzo you'll start to feel better too.
Just as a side note, I thought of this while typing but it didn't seem to fit anywhere, so here it is, my experience with therapists have been discovering why you feel the way you do, getting down to the root of it and working to undo the knots, they won't give their opinions on what they think you SHOULD do (i.e. leaving your gf), they'll just dig into why you feel this way. Those who WILL tell you what you should and should not do are normal people like us here, and man I'm telling you you should not dump your gf. Or send her my way if you do anyways, she sounds like wife material.
Dylan Jones
I agree with other posters that she sounds like wife material. You should realize how lucky you are for finding someone like this because girls like that are very rare these days. I was kinda in a similar situation like you with my current girlfriend. She had a great personality and I enjoyed her company but she didn't really turn me on sexually. But we started going to the gym together and now she has an awesome body so that's no longer an issue. If she has a decent face then maybe going to the gym together might help you as well. A new hobby might also help with your mental situation. I realize this all sounds kinda shallow but sexual attraction is important in a relationship and she seems like an amazing girl so I would try everything to make it work.
Jace Peterson
Yup, physical attraction is very important, which is why I suspected that OPs ex was really good looking and that he misses that in his current gf. Doing stuff together like exercising and working out to work towards this is a good idea user.
Liam Young
Thank you very much anons for the perspective/reality check. You're right. Today we had a pretty nice day, it's weird how I can find her physically a 8 some days and a 5 on other days. I need to sort myself out and appreciate her
Colton Lopez
Anyone else care to share their thoughts/opinions?
