I feel like "healing" from child abuse is a myth.
I don't see any escape from my fears of initimacy and inability to connect with people. My sexuality is all fucked up due to imprinting from the abuse. I'm doing pretty alright all things considered, but I feel like I will never be a whole person because of the person my abuse played a hand in turning me into.
I tried therapy and didn't like it (did even get to the talking about abuse parts). Not sure what my options are other than accepting it.
Therapy isn't meant to be fun, and in all likelihood will be uncomfortable as fuck working through the trauma. Go back and get yourself sorted.
Tell us the sexual parts of your abuse.
Meh, I was sexually molested as a kid. It didn't negatively effect me at all.
It is why I view most child abuse victims who cry about it as adults as whiny bitches on the whole.
I went through some trauma and here's some short details and advice.
You have to first stop thinking about what ifs. What if my life was normal how would I be now? That thought it common but don't think that way. You have to change your perspective and your attitude. Think that you aren't normal, you're stronger and better than normal. There are people who will understand and accept this and others who won't. The latter don't matter.
You aren't broken in a way that cannot be healed and dealt with. Often with trauma you feel you lost control of life and try to find that control. You are slow to trust and push people away at any sign of betrayal. You might get so completely lost in thoughts and feelings and hobbies or goals. I was like this. I still am at times.
What I tell myself is that the negative aspects of life don't define me, they just helped shape me to the better version of me now. Life has cycles and if you had it tough it can be better later.
Of course I think he world is largely how we perceive it and your perception is skewed by these traumas. So you have to actively skew it so see a better picture.
Therapy for me is letting put everything I feel in any form and coming to terms with it. Let yourself feel negative emotions and deal eith them instead of needing to feel perfect and happy and normal all the time. That isn't possible.
Yin and Yang
It's not that it wasn't fun, I just felt like the therapist couldn't actually help me. I know I should probably shop around for a proper one, that's so much work and emotional effort that I'm not sure I have though.
How old are you? I used to be like you.
Thank you for the kind words. As I mentioned, I'm actually doing pretty alright. I have a job I want, I make decent money, I'm living in a big city and doing well for myself at my age (27). It's just my personal life that's the issue.
I've never even had a relationship, not due to lack of opportunities. My issues seem like impossible walls to let down, the idea of being close to someone in a very intimate way, even just emotionally, makes me feel physically sick.
I was molested a bunch growing up by a family member. I didn't really talk about it much until one night. I cried and sort of outlined my thinking to some close friends.
All around me are people with problems, victims of abuse, all sorts of shit. Some of them are completely defined by these problems, others seemingly function very well. What is the difference between them?
The ones who are dealing with it decided to not make it into a battle in the first place. The biggest cause of unhappiness seems to be an inability to change something which happened in the past which is impossible. You must accept what happened as outside of your control and seek to move past it and take your happiness from doing the best you can with the things which are within your control.
So for me? Shit happens. It it what it is. What I can have control over is that it will not define me and damage the rest of my life. There are certain aspects of my personality and sexuality which were impacted by my childhood experiences, but I deal with them according to what is important to me and each time I get it right I make progress and that is great and each time I get it wrong I learn something and I know that I've tried my best which is as good as it gets so that is great as well.
I refuse to exist in between. A constant victim. Traumatised by the past, unable to accept it or move on from it and feeling powerless and like it is unfair that the past is outside of my control. There is nothing of worth there for me. What has worth is the present and the future and the positive potential contained within.
Even if you can't deal with it. Even if you spend your whole life suffering because of it. Nobody cares and ultimately you should still be happy because you chose to do this. The universe is indifferent to your suffering and there is no medal afterwards for having decided to focus on these things.
Just living in denial of your potential because you have an out as a victim is dishonest to me.
Been monitoring this thread for a while but this piqued my interest
>It's not that it wasn't fun, I just felt like the therapist couldn't actually help me. I know I should probably shop around for a proper one, that's so much work and emotional effort that I'm not sure I have though.
Now a part of me says that shopping around for a different therapist isn't a bad thing, particularly if you really didn't feel the want to open up and work with them, not all therapists are good, sometimes they suck or start off on the wrong foot and never recover. That's good on you to think about trying again and looking for a different one, that takes courage to get back on that horse.
But the other part of me wants to scold you, for giving up so easily before diving into the true issues at hand. Like what makes you think your situation is so special that a board certified psychologist/psychiatrist isn't trained well enough or hasn't dealt with others who have issues similar to yours? What makes you so special? What you went through was horrible, but that doesn't mean you can't recover, but you have to put in the work.
You see my dilemma.
Sage because this pic is disgusting and I need to it disappear.
Sage goes in ALL fields
Like this dude understands it. I personally don't feel the need to assume that I'm better than other people in order to validate and motivate myself. I'm just somebody who was molested as a child.
But the point about what if and normalcy are spot on. There is nothing to be found in what if because the past cannot be changed. You can however focus your efforts instead on the present and what is possible for the future which is far more pleasant. Normal is an immature state of mind to seek out, usually born of a fear of not fitting in and appearing like the rest of the group. Don't worry, the group is all insane, swinging from one place to another and only when taken as an impossibly broad group average can we define normal. This is not going to be indicative of any of your interactions. I don't know why our brain does that shit, I can only assume because we like to see systems and patterns in order to make sense of the chaos of the world in order to feel safe.
I agree with you that 'healing' is bunk. It is just a nice word other people use to make an unhelpful analogy between mental health and physical health. Again, it is what it is. I got molested growing up. It influenced me in some ways. I'm quite happy living true to my ideals and focusing on the positive things in my life and the creative potential which is possible in the future when I apply myself according to my principles. I can always say I'm trying my best, even when I get it wrong I'm learning how to do better and I'm still trying my best. This is so much better than backwards looking victimhood.
I think both of these posts sort of have the theme of "don't let you abuse define you, focus on the positive, etc."
But I don't let my abuse define all of me. I'm a successful working adult. On the outside, maybe people think I'm slightly off but I don't think anyone sees a deeply traumatized person.
I just see no escape from how the abuse has impacted my ability for form intimate relationships with both friends and romantic partners. This is not something I consciously do, I don't say "I'm not going to make friends because I was abused". Because of who I am, due to my abuse, I just naturally have issues forming relationships. I don't see a way out of the fear I feel that keeps me from them.
I know a decent chunk of psychology, took classes about it in college. Not all psychologists/therapists are good ones, I feel like most can't tell me things I don't already know about myself, or offer advice that I actually have interest in following (I got told to go to help groups, for example).
The picture is an accurate expression of how I feel
Almost 40.
I won't tell you to stop feeling the way you feel, and maybe don't read further if you're happy.
I shrugged off my abuse and even thought it wasn't "that bad" for most of my life. It was only later, maybe just becoming more educated I'm not sure, that I could actually see how the abuse impacted me and was the source of many of my issues and behaviors.
Being aware of that also made me become aware of the extent of the abuse, which I was previously ignorant of too - or just suppressed. I still randomly remember things from childhood that were disgusting exploitative situations that I didn't realize, and it only adds to the pain. The older I get the more I realize all the things that were wrong that happened to me as a child.
Help groups? For THIS? Whoever that is you need to go back and kick them in the nuts, that's fucking stupid.
Well, we agree on therapists coming in at different levels, but were you not interested in pursuing finding a new one? Because other than that I don't know how to help you. Because you've taken psych classes (I as well) I wonder if that makes us more combative against therapists since we might get a sense as to what they're doing. We really shouldn't fight it though, they're there to help us.
Meh, people are shit in general. Some of them have kids and it doesn't stop them from being shit. I know what happened was wrong, but you can't change it. Just leave it and move on.
Some people can't do that, I guess. Then again, I've been through more than most in my life. Seen a lot of terrible shit, the least I can do is not continue the legacy of garbage and try to polish this giant turd of a planet a bit before I die.
What is a successful working adult? Obviously you've a definition of how you'd like to appear and I presume you are ok with that? Great!
The issue then is the impact on relationships. I could give you the it could always be worse, some people have lost their legs in horrific accidents, some people were born with no genitals etc. I could give you the grass is always greener like relationships fail, they hurt you in other ways, to love is to open yourself up to loss etc.
Ultimately though you decide what is important. You'd like to lose the fear which keeps you from forming relationships.
Then do it. Each time you fuck it up say great, I'm doing it. Each time you feel that it is impossible say great, I've an awareness of the issue and I'm working to correct this issue and sucking at something is the first step in getting kind of good at something.
I can't do it for you.
Because of my abuse I could never have sex with random people. It takes me a long time to feel comfortable enough to have sex and it is very unlikely that I'll orgasm at least at first. This is so tiring and draining that I sometimes think why bother? In fact most of the time I think why bother except when I'm horny when it is suddenly the end of the world. I have some slightly weird sexual kinks as well, nothing awful, but certain things do it for me and it is embarrassing to explain to a partner especially when they know why.
Relationships have still happened for me, it just means I tend to gravitate towards people who are understanding. They still fail occasionally for different reasons, it isn't any easier or anything. I'm just trying to make the best of what tools I have to do what I want.
If one day I decided why bother would that be so bad? At least I'd had made the decision voluntarily, under my own control, after having tried my best. I'd be happy with my choice.
Have you examples of relationships you'd like to have? Do you know what that would look like?
I think the first one just really put me off. It took me a lot to actually seek therapy in the first place. That the first one I got was shitty (and trust me she was, she spoke to me like a child - I look young for my age but she should have known better) just made me not want to experience that again.
>I wonder if that makes us more combative against therapists since we might get a sense as to what they're doing.
That's definitely a thing. It feels very manipulative.
You're definitely right. I think I'm just a coward. The fear is overpowering. I also had very overbearing helicopter parents that were constantly overly concerned with the idea of me having sex, so I think this adds to everything. Not only do I have the fear of intimacy due to the abuse, I also have the ignorance of relationships with other human beings in general because I didn't get the chance to develope proper social skills. It is a difficult thing to navigate. I know it's not impossible, but it can feel like it is.
>Have you examples of relationships you'd like to have? Do you know what that would look like?
Someone who makes me feel safe and accepted, and is patient with me. Shared interests/passions.
it is,
there's only one thing to do.
live a long life until you die of natural causes.
Nah. I've big problems with therapists because of the whole setup. They work different modality which is itself an admission that different things work for different people which means they don't have the answers, they aren't going to fix you and that seeking answers and attempting to get 'fixed' is a flawed concept.
Personal development is great, doing it with somebody else is great, but for me I've preferred to read and form my own modality. I wouldn't mind so much, but they build their self esteem and perceived value based on academic reputation and have to first establish themselves as an expert.
The pomp of academia, the titles and ceremony are a form of placebo to me. I understand that it works and is very valid, but I can imagine that therapists have imposter syndrome alternated with delusions of grandeur and a messiah complex otherwise they wouldn't get into it.
It is after all a job. Except we must call it a vocation. If you set out to help people, you must accept that you can't help them all otherwise you yourself would go mad. So the path is clearly visible based on analysis of the system. Accept the things which you have no control over and focus your energy on the things which you do. If something upsets you deconstruct it to the point where you can find the point of positive influence where you can focus your energy and express something good.
Words from humans are great, not saying they are all bad. But I have to feel like I know what I'm doing with my own brain.
On a related note my partner is a therapist who works about a dozen different methods and I'm looking a literal library right now of philosophy books so I might have it easier than others in terms of figuring shit out.
Dude you sound lonely and like you'd like to explore your sexuality. Patience, understanding, feeling safe and accepted are like - minimums for interacting with others.
It is interesting to see that is the first thing you wrote down though. It is like a great foundation, but maybe it shows that things I'd take for granted you feel you need to outline which does suggest a fear.
Meeting people is really hard. Most young people just smash alcohol to make it easier to put yourself in uncomfortable situations and then you see who you caught feels for after the dust settles and try and make the best of that.
I want to highlight though that relationships are hard as it is, you've got concerns about body image, jealousy, insecurity and so on. It can be hard to find somebody, let alone assume that once you start to let them in they'll just come along. Are you sure you aren't using your past to deflect fairly typical anxiety and fears about forming relationships?
Like ... I can't get laid because I can't open up as a victim of abuse sounds way better than because my hairline receded at 17 and I have a nose that looks like somebody took a dump on my face.
You put into words how I feel about the psychology field overall better than I could. Seriously I'm going to screenshot this post for future reference haha.
>If something upsets you deconstruct it to the point where you can find the point of positive influence where you can focus your energy and express something good.
I feel like I do this, but less so with personal problems. I should attempt it more.
>maybe it shows that things I'd take for granted you feel you need to outline which does suggest a fear.
When you're abused by trusted figures in childhood it makes for an adult that has trouble with trust, shocking I know. Trusting someone gives them power to harm me and I am hesitant to ever risk that.
>Are you sure you aren't using your past to deflect fairly typical anxiety and fears about forming relationships?
Have typical anxieties about forming relationships, they are just compounded by my personality disorders that I developed from being abused.
>I can't get laid because I can't open up as a victim of abuse
I could probably fuck whenever I wanted if I cared to use tinder properly. That isn't the issue here, I don't even care about sex. I'm not horny, I'm lonely. In all relationships, not just romantic. I have friends, but my closets friend has been around less since they got into a relationship and I have superficial friendships with everyone else I know.
A fellow child abuse victim here. It gets better, although it is never easy. I didn't go to a therapist, at least not for this particular issue, so I worked out through this on my own. What you need is discipline and a detached view of your situation. What do I mean? That you really, really need to acknowledge that much of your personality/quirks/etc has been molded by your abuse and therefore you can be an unreliable narrator of your own life sometimes.
Realize that not everybody is out to get you even if it sure can feel like that. That's just your brain in the hypervigilance mode trying to protect you from further abuse, however you're (mostly) safe now, so you don't need to be hyper vigilant. Really think about what you do and how you react. When you catch yourself suspecting that someone wants to hurt you, stop and logically consider what is really happening here. I'm not saying that the world is only full of good people that wish us no harm, but realistically, most people don't care about us enough to hurt us. Usually it's a misunderstanding or lack of thoughtfulness on their part, not outright malice.
Once you learn to stop the first immediate panicky reaction to unpleasant stimuli, connecting with people should became easier. It's a matter of habit, really. Just as your brain got fucked by the childhood trauma, it can be rewired if you hang out with people enough. I'm still a loner compared to, say, other people in my uni class, but I have about three good friends and a significant other.
> Really think about what you do and how you react. When you catch yourself suspecting that someone wants to hurt you, stop and logically consider what is really happening here. I'm not saying that the world is only full of good people that wish us no harm, but realistically, most people don't care about us enough to hurt us. Usually it's a misunderstanding or lack of thoughtfulness on their part, not outright malice.
Something I really need to work on.
It can be difficult seeing as I actually have had two friends betray my trust in the past, so my brain sees those instances as "proof". But I will work on it.
This thread has been overall helpful, thanks to all that responded.