Boyfriend’s ex

We’ve been together long time and if his mom died I’d be there for him.

I just don’t understand this process. If it continues for 6 months im thinking just leaving

This, a death is a death.
When it's close it hits harder.
He doesn't love you any less, but will need time to go over his own feelings and get closure.

I can deal with emotional grief that’s visible. It’s the feelings of guilt and how it’s consuming every aspect of the present life I don’t understand and can’t comprehend. I’m trying.

If someone were to cry and weep, at least I can offer support. It’s the what ifs and if nots- what if he’d stayed with her, this wouldn’t have happened. Things like that I can’t understand or empathise with. I feel bad but I can sense distance emotionally and future wise

I have far too much empathy

Wow, you sound like a real bitch.

maybe its best if you leave now because ppl can have problems and its supposed to be togather in good and bad times, you arent up for bad times, not a good partner

>It’s the what ifs and if nots- what if he’d stayed with her, this wouldn’t have happened. Things like that I can’t understand or empathise with.
Could you elaborate on why you can't understand that?

BTW, don't tell him you'll leave him in six months if he doesn't get over it, that will force him to swallow that pill before he's ready and will not properly heal. He really needs to get over it at his own pace.

please leave your boyfriend he deserves better

Then you need the perspective to know how to use it. You honestly sound selfish to me.
I know full well this is not easy, this is the stuff that really tests a relationship. He needs you to be there for him, simple as that. You're going to be saturated with negativity because of this and you're not going to be getting intimacy for a while, but you need to understand that someone you know dying is a huge shock.
He's not going to not want to not be with you because of this, he's not going to blame you for this. She died, that isn't changing, and loss of this nature is not easy to come to terms with.
It doesn't matter that she treated him like shit, it's still huge.

I don't like her one bit either but two significant loses so close together could push him over the edge. I'd be careful with that train of thought.

Adding to this, I forgot. You're really going to need your own outlet to vent and let it out. Clearly you can't do it on him.

Which is why I’ve come here

So get on it, chop chop.

I’ve apologised to him.

Thanks guys. I’m a bit autistic and find empathy very difficult.

I’m going to support him from now on, no matter what. I just needed somewhere to vent.

Tldr

OP is a selfish prick. Also jealous of a dead person. Someone died but what about meeeeeeeee. She dead idgaf. He sad idgaf. Me me me me.

Not true but okay

You don't have to please us, you just need to know that he's going through a very hard time and that he needs someone now more than ever. It's going to be hard, and most of the time you won't get rewarded, but he needs time to take it in and let it go.
I understand you have your needs, like everyone else, so come here to vent whenever or do whatever works for you.
Still I get the impression you want to just wrap this up ASAP, maybe because you're uncomfortable.

Don't be like that, you're going to have your own cycle of grief as well. Talk it out.

That's a really sudden 180 on your view. What happened?
Also, didn't you say you were very empathic?

not if hes not mentally ill

You don't know that. Why risk it?

You dodged a bullet, he would've kicked you to the curb if his ex so much as farted in his direction.

I haven’t tho

I’m not. I have no one to talk to, to bounce these horrible thoughts on and to get a different viewpoint hence why I’m posting here.

I have apologised because I have received different evidence as to why I should be suppprting. It’s fucking hard an I am not great with emotions. It feels very uncomfortable. I’m learning how to navigate emotions and being empathetic.

How did she die?

Maybe he's not mourning, maybe he just realized that he or anyone close to him could die at any time without warning.

Maybe he's upset about the concept of Life itself, and maybe he's worried about you. Maybe he's worried that you could die suddenly like that Black Mirror episode.

Unfortunate death.

It could be that or maybe not. He’s been very involved with everything so hopefully it will give him closure in the long term.

Things seem to be solved, but I wanted to clear up something.

>If it continues for 6 months
You know, there are people that can't get over a breakup after that time, and a death is magnitudes worse.

Please note that I wrote that when I was unable to deal with what I was feeling and what the other person was feeling too.

It was self distructive behavior which is what everyone is grieving now.

Thank you for empathising, it has made me rethink my stance.

It's purely to clear it up, don't sweat it.
How are you doing?

Thanks for not swearing at me.

I’m feeling better about it. Trying to be supportive and so far it has been alright, thank you.

>Thanks for not swearing at me
I said sweating, not swearing, silly.
Seriously, though, don't take Jow Forums threads personally. Everyone is an ass, pay it no mind.

I wonder if you guys would be giving the same advice if user was a boy a his girlfriend would be mourning the death of her ex

Of course, why wouldn't I?

do You think his is negative due to user’s gender being female? If so, how?

Oh sorry, I was referring to others in the thread who have called me names. Thanks I find it hard to tell if people are joke posting or not

What's your problem with the advice? It's pretty fine imo.

I'm not going to pretend I'm innocent either, you did strike me as very selfish and self-centered, I'm not going to lie, but later on we saw that you just were having trouble understanding the situation.
In a sense no one fully does, each person confronts loss in a different way.
Just try to keep yourself cool, and be supportive to him. It's not an easy road but it's part of being a couple, sadly not everything is sugar and rainbows.

He probably thinks that if the genders were reversed they'd tell OP to dump her, how she'd cheat on him or something like that.

Yeah I guess I needed different perspectives to help me along the way.

I know, I did think it selfish too but couldn’t keep my thoughts to myself, they were consuming most of my time and feeling really shitty about thinking of them in the first place

It makes sense, you can only see so much from your position and that vision is going to be biased because of your feelings. Even then I'd advise you to take what Jow Forums says with a bit of a grain of salt, anonymity does things to people.

And that's proof you need to vent. Really, it's important that you blow off some steam. Having friends would certainly be helpful, but I doubt you'd be in the mindset for that.
No matter, whenever you feel the need just come here or wherever you want and let it out. But you have to let it out, if you let it pile up it will overwhelm you.

You're a cunt, you should leave him to save him from you being a cunt desu.

It doesn't matter if I hated someone's gut if someone I knew and was close too died i would be pretty sad too.

Your boyfriend sounds like a decent person, unlike you

He is a decent person and I’m not going to leave him. Thanks for your advise though!

Holy fuck there are some bitter and resentful people in this thread. OP your reaction is totally normal and to be expected.

Honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if he was perhaps fooling around with her prior to, or if he still harbored feelings of love for her. Sure, being grief stricken is one thing, but you mention here that you've been together for 5 years now Unless this woman was his long time ex wife, him being this distraught is not normal. Your feelings of suspicion are natural. So I suggest having an OPEN dialogue with your bf about this, mention your sympathy, but that you also feel confused by this.

Attagirl.

It could easily be him being suddenly reminded of his mortality. And even then, it's still someone that died. Some people are very sensitive to the fact that someone they once knew is gone forever.

I will. At least now I know I can talk to people online. I’ve got some friends but they’re more acquaintances and I don’t think I’d like to burden them with some heavy stuff.

Jow Forums has some awful trolls but I am getting the hang of it, thanks for the heads up. The respondents from cruel to genuine advise are few and far between, at least some very helpful points have been raised on here which helped me a lot

Sure. That first point is understandable. But from what it seems, he seems obsessed with his ex that in theory he should not have seen or be relevant to in 5 or so years. Weeks of grieving and changed moods is signs of something else underlying it all imo. Perhaps death shook him to his core, or perhaps she was more than just an ex to him.

Fuckin White Knight cuck

It was my privilege.

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There's a chance there were some leftover feelings on his part, sure, but at least from my experience it's normal. At least I don't completely forget a partner, but that doesn't mean I'll love the current one any less or act on those feelings. I understand it's over and I have to move on. Perhaps this man is like that.

These are what I was worried about.

I’ve realised I need to talk to him about these concerns but I will wait a bit. He is far too involved emotionally to have a rational talk about it honestly. I just don’t know how long to wait for...

Wait for him to be able to hold himself together. Perhaps him being willing to be intimate again would be a good indicator.
Or will that be too long?

Of course this is a "possibility" - which is why I recommended that OP have an open dialogue with her bf about it. No need for the blame game or anger, just sympathy and an expressing/addressing of concerns.

That said, his behavior is still strange in my eyes, which is also why I do not blame OP at all for being suspicious.

I want to politely and kindly raise this issue with him. That to me, he seems a little bit too involved for someone whom he hadn’t been with for over 5 years and has moved on to start a new life with someone else.

I have to listen to regrets of how he shouldn’t have broken things off and maybe she’d be alive. Regrets like these that I can’t understand. Especially since his life for that period of time was hell-ish. I’ve put it down to grieving and that’s why he said what he said. Hoping next few months will be better. I’m genuinely trying to be understanding

Do it as soon as you want to. Just be prepared that (from your description), he might emotionally lash out irrationally, at first. But if he is honest and loving and considerate, he will come around and explain himself and why he was so devastated. He will also be able to reassure you and address your needs as well.

If not, you have problems.

I will wait for him to want to be intimate. I’m being careful not to initate it as he might not want to and it might make him feel pressured. I’ll wait and see

>regrets of how he shouldn't have broken things off and maybe she'd be alive

This is definitely one of those red flags I'm talking about. This is not healthy for him, you or this "relationship" you have.

>Especially since his life for that period of time was hell-ish.
I'm afraid the heart just won't hear reason sometimes. Even if your brain tells you a relationship is very destructive and being with them is as bad as doing drugs, you can still love them with every fiber of your being.

It's your call, not mine. He's certainly not going to want to bring it up, either because he doesn't see it necessary, because he doesn't want conflict or because he doesn't want to hurt you, but if you feel the need to talk, it is what it is.
You're adults and can talk to each other.

It’s heartbreaking to see someone you love go through such terrible thing and you can’t do anything to help. That’s what I can’t comprehend. Why won’t the heart listen to reason? Evidence is there!

I know, which is why I’ll wait and see

Feelings, they're complicated and complicate everything. Even a monster can look like the most beautiful thing in the world.
It's a bit of our leftover instincts, they have to be strong to ensure the survival of the species. If we didn't feel the urge to make love God knows if we'd be even here right now.
Even if a break up feels like the best part of you was ripped apart from your body, never to return, I'd never want to stop being able to feel love.

I know it may surprise women, but men are actually capable of love.

What is love?

Baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no more

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What is true love?

Free love, you silly Billy.