Guys, I don’t know if posting this here is a good idea, but I think I’ve expended my options. This is a long story, so bear with me. I’m just looking for some sort of reassurance, hope, or perhaps a direction that I could head in. This story starts with myself, roughly two and half years ago. I was a complete shut-in then; a nervous wreck who wouldn’t even be able to speak to strangers online in text without sweating, shaking or mild anxiety. However, I had been in an e-relationship for roughly two years at that point. The girl in question was very sweet, and was an earnest gal who would vie for my attention. She was attracted to the fact that I could diffuse drama and act “mature” as she put it (I was a guild leader in an online game) and was curious about who I was, since I tried to hide as much about myself as possible. Opening up was something that was out of the question then, since my fear of rejection was immense. And with me being me, of course, made it seem impossible for the relationship to go anywhere. I wanted those days to go on forever, but I knew they couldn’t. I’d have to do something to keep it going.
Unfortunately, I lived with my mother and had no income. I had no education. I had no real life friends. But the desire to be with this girl would overcome this eventually. I promised this girl I’d sort my life out so that being together would be possible. These promises were earnest, and like any relationship, we had our ups and downs. But this was to be my last gambit in securing my future and happiness, and I would be willing to endure the undoubtful suffering that is a “trial of fire” in the rapid integration to society for an introverted shut-in of 20+ years. (cont.)
Hopeless
So I enrolled in college in the quickest career program I could find, and I got a job in the same field so I could double down on experience and education to advance as quickly as possible. Neither of these paths were something I was especially crazy about (I would have rather studied something computer-related, and now I’m studying clinical foodservice management), but the desire for independence was something that burned strongly in me at the time. I even learned to drive, got my license (at 25) and went out and financed a car at a terrible rate (in a color that the girl liked, at that) just to make transportation more easy and comfortable, and to jumpstart my credit. I was thoroughly deep in my commitment. My feelings weren’t fake or surface-deep. I was deeply in love with this woman and I wanted this to happen.
She herself was a shut-in, so she relied on online interaction for socialization. Eventually, of course, she took issue with the fact that I could spend much less time with her due to my responsibilities, and we decided the best course action would be to pay to fly her over here so she could live with me. She lived on the east coast, and I lived on the west coast. I gladly paid her plane ticket and we met up. She was my first real flesh-and-blood girlfriend, and I was as happy as could be. She loves cats, so I got her a cat. I bought her basic supplies, I let her take over my computer (near top of the line gaming computer at the time, built it myself), and made sure she had every necessity she could ask for. I tried making arrangements for her in settling in, like obtaining her residency that would qualify her for tuition assistance (she wanted to be a vet tech). And I also helped her get a part-time job for basic income. (cont.)
For a while, it seemed everything would work out. But this would soon start to degrade, steadily but surely. It’s at this point that I’m not sure it was due to any one factor, so I’ll go through my paces and try to explain. The most obvious point to start at is my physical health and stupidity in managing it. For a while now (about 6 months, if not more) I’ve been feeling weird pains throughout my body that I can’t figure out. I’ve been in and out of the doctor with no answers, just medication. This in itself was causing me anxiety, because it threatened my future and security. I did not want anything to interfere with my happiness. Unfortunately, this entire prospect depressed me, and I’m absolutely shit at managing depression, so what ended up happening was a return to lethargy and lack of passion for anything. My girlfriend did not like this obviously, so it contributed a large part to the degradation of her feelings. Even worse, after a while, I just gave up on trying to get a good diagnosis and rested my hopes on it getting better on its own. I’ve been getting mixed signals from my body, but I wouldn’t consider it improved. I’m gonna go back to the doctor next week and demand some sort of answer, preferably a deep scan to settle this once and for all.
The other thing that might have contributed to the issue was race. She’s white and I’m Mexican. I live in a 90% Mexican area. She felt uncomfortable and alienated, and this wasn’t something I could easily figure out an answer to, other than moving out. Moving out wasn’t a viable option though, since housing is expensive and I was stuck making $13.25/hour until I finished school at least. Our combined income was pathetic and barely adequate, so living alone would have been borderline poverty. I told her to endure for another year or two and then we’d find someplace better. I guess she couldn’t, though. (cont.)
The next best thing was how we approached playing video games together. Video games are my one true passion, and it’s how we met, so we’d play what we could together and try to enjoy it. Unfortunately for me and her, I tend to be very competitive when playing any sort of video game, and I’d try to rub off on her. She’s not very good at twitch skill-based video games, so I’d egg her on about it and try to get her to improve. She did not take the bants well, though, and eventually, apparently, came to dislike playing co-op games with me. This depressed me, and we stopped trying to play anything together; I settled for trying to find an MMO to play together, but she left before we ever got the chance.
I think, the last and final straw happened after she bought a VR headset. She got very involved with VRchat and began to spend most of her waking hours either in VRchat or working on models for VRchat. She would talk to people and would seem way more animated in talking to them than she ever did with me. Of course, I would feel jealousy and I’d lash out at her sometimes. It’s stupid in retrospect, but I couldn’t help it. I felt abandoned and replaced. (cont.)
Little things that she claimed caused her to feel fed up included the fact that I tended to be slobby, and threw my clothes and backpack and whatnot on the bed after coming from school. I’d rarely do chores, but I honestly didn’t feel the energy to. In my mind, I felt justified to at least expect her to pick a few things of mine up for me, since I was the one putting in the real effort. I told her I’d put in an earnest effort myself as soon as we moved out, as having your own place, I figured, was a reason for pride and call for action. Still, she also disliked that I was “demanding” as she put it once, because I would tend to ask for cuddles at night (she did not like cuddling, it seemed), and that I’d ask for her to turn off her phone when we were in bed. I’d also occasionally ask her to stop playing her VRchat stuff so she could spend some time with me, but this really seemed to piss her off or sadden her more often than not. She would also complain about not feeling any “space’ as she put it. Though I don’t know what she meant by that honestly, since I’d be at school or work so much that she could spend more time than not on whatever she wanted, alone. Even at home, I’d try to give her as much time to work on her VR stuff as she wanted, since that’s what I thought would make her happy. I bothered her minimally.
Several months passed like this until she broke it on me that “she had stopped loving me months ago” and would move back home. This hit me like a truck and I broke down. She called me the most passionless guy she’s ever met, and someone who didn’t know how to be romantic. She bought her plane ticket for two weeks later. I tried to win her back, if even slightly during these two weeks, and it seemed that she had warmed up to me again in the final days. I bought her luggage so she could leave in comfort and convenience, made sure that her needs were attended, and offered to ship what couldn’t be reasonably taken on a plane through UPS. I gave her my relatively new gaming laptop (something I bought so we could play games together again, but alas went unused) so she wouldn’t be stuck without VRchat at the least, and I gave her an extra $100 for food or security. It improved to the point that she promised she’d give me another chance in one year, roughly when I’m due to finish my certification courses and graduate with my degree. She seemed receptive again and we would smooch like we used to. She even blew me a kiss before leaving at the terminal… (cont.)
This promise of a chance was what drove me to not feel as terrible about the breakup as I could have. But after she left, I decided to give her the space she wanted and would stick to only text messages. She would give minimal responses, and after one week, stopped responding at all. This hurt, but I figured it’d be best to wait to attempt to reach her until after my school semester was over, with finals and all. Once that rolled over, I turned on my computer and found a blank slate. She erased everything with Bleachbit. I didn’t mind, but I did find the ShareX history of her screenshots in plain view still. I looked through them and found a Discord log about her confirming that she’d meet someone from VRchat by the end of the month… This was roughly a single day before she even broke up with me. I felt shattered, and the terrible pangs of true heartache have taken over me. The realization that she might have been cheating on me right under my nose swept in, and I feel worthless now. I’ve tried contacting her the through usual channels and she’s blocked me on every single one. She even disconnected the phone I gave her and am paying to keep the line going for. My entire life as I built it up to this point feels without reason. I trusted her completely and never doubted her. I don’t know what to do…
Despite everything, I still nurture the hope that I am simply overreacting and misinterpreting this. That she just wants an extended period of time to think about everything and “space.” She seemed sincere when she mentioned that she’d be back to try again in 1 year, but I don’t know. When I asked her if there was someone else, she just said no. She never tried to deny my help either… I bought her flowers and had them mailed to her house in hopes that she’ll see them and at least unblock me so she can explain. Am I stupid or wrong for thinking all of this? What should I do?
If anyone cares to give a perspective, disparaging or not, I'd greatly appreciate it. Jow Forums as a whole have been a second family to me. I've browsed this site for 13 years, so I figure that this is as good a place as any to seek some comfort for my dilemma and chapter in life.Thank you.
If you've been here for 13 years then you would have read stories similar to yours and learned from them to never trust a woman completely. Best thing you can do now is move on before she files a restraining order.
Well, that's a harsh way to put it, but you're right. I have seen this play out in various ways for various people, but if I took that to heart I'd have never opened up like I have. I'd probably still be a NEET, too. I'm too much of a hopeless romantic to not forfeit complete trust, and it's idiotic, I know.
Thinking about it a little more deeply, even going forward, I don't want to give up my ability to trust that way. Even if it makes me vulnerable or stupid, or just naive. To give that up would be to give up the beauty of living a "normal" life. I'd become yet another drone of negativity. I wouldn't be much better off than before, if at all. The world would be a better place if we could all just love and trust blindly, don't you think?
I guess this post is too autistic and long for anyone to care. I still love you guys though, even the normies out there. It's hard to relate to my situation since I know that most people don't have the perspective of a sheltered NEET who tried to grow wings and leave the nest. It's certainly not an easy path to take or place to start. For anyone else who is in a similar situation and is considering similar options, I should advise that you change your reason for being from her to yourself. You'll feel better and won't hate yourself if you are ever betrayed.
>I've browsed this site for 13 years
Yet you learned nothing, you're too naive user.
Holy shit
Can’t you at least have the decency to attach a tl;dr to your blogpost?
Damn. I bet it’s about women too which makes it even worse
Being naive is basically part of my personality, I think.
tl;dr: I really loved a girl and changed from a NEET shut-in to a half-normie to accomodate her. I was abandoned when she didn't find me to her liking. She might've mislead me at the end of our relationship but I'm not sure. Wat do?
Hey man, congrats on coming out of your shell. I wanted to let you know that someone did read your story. And I don't think "never trust any woman" is the lesson to be learned here.
I think what you could take away from this situation is that while it's great to trust people and care for them, if you want to develop and maintain a strong relationship, it needs to be between two people who respect each other, can support each other, but most importantly, people who can support themselves first. This girl took advantage of you, and that was wrong of her. But hopefully next time, you protect yourself first by not caring for your girlfriend like a child. She needs to hold her own job, buy her own shit and she also needs to worry about your needs just as much as you worry about hers. A good relationship needs to be between equals. If one person is giving more, it won't be strong enough to last.
I hope this girl's behavior doesn't push you to mistrust everyone, but instead to attempt to look at your next relationships as objectively as possible, and notice when you deserve to be treated better. When you find someone who respects you, it will have been worth the wait.
Sorry for the long reply, and probably some run-on sentences. Stay positive, man :)
Thanks for reading my story. Every little bit helps, man. I kind of knew that in the pit of my heart, but I had hoped that it wouldn't be the case. I still want her back and feel stupid about it, though. But nothing lasts forever I suppose, not even this pain I'm feeling.
I read your story user. Very interesting situation, unfortunately the only advice I can give you is to move on. Relight that fire but use it for you. Use the fire to bring yourself up and continue to grow and educate yourself. Once the right women comes along, you’ll be ready.
>Pic related.
I read like the first paragraphs and lemme guess, the girl left you when you were in a bad time, didn't she?
That can be the summary, yes. I gradually felt worse as it went on and she grew increasingly annoyed at me. Things were great at the beginning and steadily declined. Then at the end, she might've just straight up lied to me to give me false hope. It sucks.
Im sorry that this wont give you the hope you are looking for, but i pray it will help you to accept.
This is a common thing in the world, especially in the gaming sphere, people simply don't think about others the same way you do, people are far too different and you are forced to make actions and words obvious and explicit for people to understand your love, this is what made her care so little as to leave for another (who will inevitably do the same thing) this is not a matter of inadequacy from you, it is from her. this is a divided person, torn between what she knows is right and what she feels is right, leading her to make brash decisions and ultimately harm herself and others, she lacks the ability to care because of this fact, she literally could not possibly be in a working relationship for an extended period without something keeping her. You have to understand this was going to happen no matter what you did, this was all up to her and you need to try and accept that this happened and that both parties had faults, i will emphasize you have to accept, you have to get to the point that you can imagine her coming back (which chances are she will contact you when her other relationship goes south) and simply being able to say no, just saying no due to knowing that the ups arent worth the downs, this may hurt her in varying amounts, depending on how cold she really is, but if it gets to her enough to crush or even destroy her, it will likely be a good thing, as she will go through a bout of change, and finally improve.
(cont)
Hi user, I've read your story. All I can tell you is that you need to move on from now on. I know, it hurts but you need to take care of yourself. It's uncertain if she will come back again so don't hope for it anymore. Unless if you want to be used and left out again. Those people who used you and left you should be forgotten. Take this whole thing as a lesson so that you won't make the same mistake again on the future.
If you're kinda bitter on the whole happening, just think that it happened because fate wanted you to be a better person.
Cheer up user, hoping you the best.
But for all of this to happen you have to reach a point of complacency user, you have to realize this is a really common thing (I have seen it roughly 3 times in my family alone) you have to realize she is a person who cannot handle this situation, her thought process simply isnt set for such circumstances, she simply cant, and doesnt want to, deal with these things. She could feel this within her, and even if she couldnt identify it, she could still act on it, so she sought an escape
She did not leave you for another user, what she did was find an excuse, an excuse to escape.
An excuse to escape the turmoils of a life away from home, an escape from the troubles of work and adult life, the turmoils of an imperfect relationship, the realization that she simply couldnt find a way to fix the relationship, to escape the situation that her mind did not find enjoyment in.
You are not inadequate user, from what you have told you are an incredibly person to have done what you did for another person and yourself. You couldnt have done this better, its simply inhuman to do it better, yet she left, she left due to herself, even if she thinks or says otherwise, it is her.
You need to accept this user, you need to think to yourself, hey, maybe this was bound to happen, and maybe i couldnt have stopped it, hey, at least we left on good terms and she still had enough love for me to not leave me destroyed, hey, maybe she will better herself and find a way to live happy, hey, maybe some day, when we have both bettered ourselves, our paths will cross agian, and we could live like old times, even if just as friends. You need to accept this user, accept that people dont work well together sometimes, accept that all this was inevitable and realize that so long as destructive attachment is lost, this will better the both of you.
Accept it user, just think about how normal it is, listen to sad music and calm down with a vape or some shit, this shit is ok to feel bad about
>people are far too different and you are forced to make actions and words obvious and explicit for people to understand your love
I enjoyed your analysis so much, but especially this. This struck a chord with me because I feel like I was picking up on this on a subconscious level. On my end, I did not need her love to be verbally expressed to feel "secure" about our relationship. I had a long haul perspective on things and was steady about my internal feelings through our ups and downs. Now I think I can see that that part of the relationship was probably one-sided. She wasn't satisfied at a surface level, and perhaps even internally either. That alone was enough, right?
Ultimately, I would still rather have her back than anything else, but my plan at the moment is to improve myself. To work on myself. Whether or not I see her again, I will be in a better position to act and flourish.
I'm an idiot and will continue hoping for it. People can change, right? I'm not bitter, just extremely hurt and disillusioned. I will try to take it in stride, but it feels like a monumental effort at the moment. I did make this post half out of a need to get it all off my chest.
She can indeed change, and if these circumstances are anything to go by, she will, but you need to tread lightly, warm up to her and get back into a friendly groove before letting her back into your life, if you feel she hasn't changed, then simply dont let her back in, that may be the push to change her, that may be what causes her to finally leave you alone if she is simply far more manipulative than we all expect, it could simply destroy her or unaffect her, we dont know, but dont let her back in unless she has changed, cuz it will end the same, but likely worse.
Wow... walls of text that say nothing.
OP congrats on getting out and doing something. You may have little idea how important it was that you got outa mom's place and went your own way. Although the motivator was love the outcome is you are an independent, matured individual.
This is something she never became. Whereas you took on responsibility for your destiny you also took responsibility for hers too, and by allowing her to continue to live in the pseudo-world of the Internet and its disconnected reality, she never grew as a person like you.
There lies the root of the divide in your relationship. You moved onto and faced up to real life responsibilities and tried to make a normal relationship. She didn't.
Immersion in internet pseudo-reality (not just VR I'm including gaming and social media) stunts personal development. You, OP, are an example of the difference and you should be proud of being able to function properly both online and off.
She may never be able to function normally so OP I'd start looking for a normie gf, one who has a light interaction with the online world. Face it OP you're growing up and excessive time online is a child's pastime or for dysfunctional personalities.
>Wow... walls of text that say nothing.
A little insulting but i can see your point to an extent
I do agree with this mans point, this was an incompatible situation, she couldnt have made it like you did.
OP here, I don't think I'm a matured individual in the way that you're thinking. I've only grasped independence and it's now there for me if I really need it. To me, being mature entails something else. It's not just having a job, education and independence, it's something deep and personal. You're right that video games stunt your personal development, and if anything I'm a perfect example. I'm too far into my ways to ever really leave them. I'm content with what I've decided for myself, but I will never truly be a normie. I can't be a normie. You don't simply become a true normie after 25 years of not being a normie. To those people who might have, hats off to you because I can't do that. And to those truNEETs who are bitter and thinking I'm full of shit, I was in your shoes once too.
On top of that, normie girls don't appeal to me, which is why this hurts so much. Finding someone like her, with the interests that are basically compatible with mine, will be close to impossible if I'm looking at just normie girls. Perhaps this is naive, but I don't see a reason to believe otherwise, having seen the girls at college that are my age. I'm willing to move on, but not give up my sense of self to be "normal". Feel free to rip me for this.
Let's see where you are in say, 2 years, 5 years and 10 years.
I think your post is an indication your beginning to question your grasp of what life means and signals discontent with all you've known... you just not why you feel discontented but you do.
A young man doesn't become mature until 25+ and emotionally mature perhaps much later. So OP, you're start starting your journey. Expect a few false starts but gradually you'll begin to want to change. Don't hamper yourself, let it happen.
Thanks for sharing this story with us OP. It's quite a ride. I don't have any advice but I wish you the best.
You should consider relaying this to a professional. Rich and successful people all are, and have been, in therapy for their entire life. You will have to live with what's going on in your mind for the rest of your life so consider it a good investment no matter how much it costs. It sounds like you've defeated life once before, I hope you can join the rich and successful in the future.
OP, you need more self-respect. Don't act like a doormat. Your story is unfortunate, but there need to be times when you stand up for yourself and move on if the other side doesn't play ball.
The problems in you relationship went both ways, but I think it was likely doomed to fail from the start. It seems to me like the girl didn't really put in much effort compared to you, but because you did everything anyway she probably expected you to continue that. This eventually led to problems.
It's fine to trust people, just don't try to shower them with stuff. It doesn't really work, and the people in whom it does work you don't want to be in a relationship with.
My future is now not as certain as I felt it was. I envisioned a future with this girl and now she's not part of my picture. This is part of the pain. I can let this happen, but I feel I am still emotionally weak, despite whatever strides I've made in other areas. This definitely hampered my chances.
That might be true in some ways, but I did make legitimate mistakes as well. It wasn't just being a doormat; I'm an idiot with a broken heart.
This is weird, I was kinda in a reverse situation, with her being Mexican and me being white, living at her parents place.
It had a similar ending though, despite all the financial help,attention, and love I gave her, it wasn’t enough.
She cheated on me and kept on denying it so I needed Our 3 year relationship and left, we even almost had a kid at some point.
Just know you’re not alone man, it may seem rough now but it really does get better. Focus on your career and hobby’s, you’ll find someone who cares along the way
That sucks for you too, dude. I know this situation isn't exactly unique, but I wish it were easier to know exactly what's going wrong with a relationship to try to fix it before something like this happens. I would always tell her to just talk to me if there were problems she was feeling, but she never did. I'm guessing she wanted me to pick up on her cues, but my faith in her was so strong that I denied them.
I can't even sleep because my dreams are all about her and just seeing her face, even in a dream, will cause my heart to wrench, so now I'm up at 4 AM for no good reason. This isn't healthy...