Hello Jow Forums, first time poster here. I'll preface this by saying that I'm underage (it’s a crucial part of what I have to say, so please don’t berate me for spilling the beans) and I'll be very thankful if the mods at least keep this thread alive for a little while before banning me or whatever, since I really have no one to share my troubles with .
Anyways, I’ll start out with the basics. My father is from South America and my mother is from eastern Europe. Only a few years after I was born and they split up for good and ever since then I’ve lived with my mom. In some way, her influence, my sheltered lifestyle and the lack of a male role model in my life made me grow up as a softie who didn’t really have any manly hobbies or do well with the boys. As I grew up and changed schools from a private one to a public one due to financial issues, people started teasing me more and more for my name, calling me racial slurs and basically treating me like a mutt because I’m some kind of half-breed.
I've been feeling suicidal for a couple years now and it's finally getting to me
Somewhere around seventh grade I started using the internet more and more and under the influence of a few friends I had made, came to the conclusion that I was transgender. Of course, that lead to a lot of drama with my mom and after several painful visits to the psychologist I came to the conclusion I was mostly okay with being a guy. I thought to myself: “This is it, I should just try and be myself!”. I started talking more, being friendlier to people and stuff like that, but I was still a black sheep. People kept calling me names and spreading rumors I was gay and eventually I gave in and met with an older guy online. I was really naïve, curious and on paper I liked both girls and guys, but it went…terrible. We only kissed but it still felt gross, but my curiosity made me meet up with several other guys, most of them forcing me to do things against my will and all of which left me with bad memories. It’s stupid, but after my friends started ignoring me, I came to the conclusion that pedophiles were literally the only people who wanted to be around me. A part of me even hoped that I might start liking it, but that never happened.
So here I am; friendless, ignored by even my online friends, with a very strained relationship with my mom, really confused and tired of living. As a last resort I made a plan for this summer in which I’d reconcile with my dad, start working out, cut my hair short, choose my own clothes for once, force myself to get into manlier hobbies and topics, go outside more, act like the cool guys at school and hopefully ask my mom for a legal name change. It was going to be my final attempt at a fulfilling life, but as it turned out I can’t go see my dad, my mom would never get me a name change and I realized I’ll never be able to change the past or certain things about myself I don’t like. I’ll always be a sheltered half-breed with deep-rooted issues, my mom will always be sick, my family torn apart and even if I ever got friends I’d have to fake being someone else to get them to not leave me. The only reason I haven’t killed myself is because I’m scared of dying, but I don’t know how much more I can handle of this either; even small things have started to make me go into hysterics and I think I might just snap in front of everyone at school someday
…So yeah, that’s it. I don’t even know what advice I’m looking for; I’ve pretty much given up on my life. I don’t know what to live for and it keeps only getting worse. I’ve only three years of school left and then what? I would’ve never experienced being normal and I’ll be spit out into adulthood with no one to depend on or live for. If I was older and had an income maybe I would’ve turned to drugs, but I don’t know if I can be even assed to do that right now. I just needed to get this off of my chest, I guess. Sorry if this ended up being pointless or if these are all minor issues, I was never good with handling my emotions and I guess everything just piled up.
>I'll preface this by saying that I'm underage
All I need to know from this little diatribe. Growing up fucking sucks and it's ubiquitous. If you're still at the age where you're getting bullied in school than chances are you aren't old enough to understand what I'm saying. Tough it out and get through that gay high school shit. You'll feel better after a while. Also stop browsing Jow Forums. These posts reek of impressionability
I know, but once I'm out of high school I would be all on my own and I'll have to get a job and then what? No matter what I do I'll never be able to turn back time and have a normal life or friends or anything like that. I just want a normal life, I don't care if it's not perfect, I just want to fit in with everyone else. And I don't browse Jow Forums since I don't want to feel even worse for what I am, it's just how people treat me in real life.
>No matter what I do I'll never be able to turn back time and have a normal life or friends or anything like that
Says who? I had zero friends in high school too. Didn't stop me from having friends afterwards. It's literally a tiny fraction of the rest of your life. It means fucking nothing. You don't want high school memories, they're meaningless and the people are vapid.
Tu vida puede mejorar, empieza a trabajar y salva tu dinero para que cuando seas mayor de edad tengas la libertad de irte de tu casa y hacer lo que quieras.
So I should just wait out three more years of school, completely friendless and devoid of a reason to live to someday be "independent" and hopefully find a reason to live? Then how do I not kill myself until then? I don't want to sound like an edgelord, but there's moments where I legitimately just go hysterical, or get a panic attack or something else like that and the breaks between them keep getting shorter. Staying in school has gotten painful and I can't stop thinking about how happier everyone is and how they actually belong here, unlike me.
And for the record I don't speak Spanish, never lived with my dad after they split up so I have no connection with his native culture at all.
Op I'm depressed too and want to talk with you on discord if it's ok
I can only post by phone on this stupid board
There is a discord app you can download on your phone
Life starts at 21, everything before is just pretext that you will laugh about in a few years.
Except that gay tranny part, that is gross, but you will get over it
Yes, that is what you do. When you think about the average lifespan the 3 years you have to tough out in high school is the tiniest fraction. If you off yourself you commit to eternal oblivion and will never, ever come back from it. It's the dumbest shit you can do. Plus your parents will find your phone and see all the hentai you've been browsing.
>So I should just wait out three more years of school, completely friendless and devoid of a reason to live to someday be "independent" and hopefully find a reason to live
Yes thats what I did, I went through high school without friends and hoped life got better.
Now Im 20 an life is not perfect but It has improved.
Aqui esta mi discord por si quires hablar comigo debes en cuando
I guess, but I don't really like talking about depressing things so IDK of how much help I can be.
>pretending to be me to get someone's discord
user pls.
I just thought that if everyone called me gay I might as well be, I didn't want to be gross. :c
Oh well. I still don't know what I'd do even once I'm out of high school; it's not like my issues will just disappear, but if everyone says I have no other choice I guess it's everything I can do.
>Plus your parents will find your phone and see all the hentai you've been browsing.
>what is incognito
Your depression and suicidal thoughts won't go away, life gets worse after HS.
t. suicidal 23yo failure
T-Thanks user. A part of me hopes that Jow Forums redpill me to the point of becoming an incel or something like that since in my opinion it's easier to be a lonely loser if in your eyes everyone else is at fault. Maybe I'll do that with my life, at least then I'll have something to do besides mope around.
high school is shit but the only real way you can feel better about yourself is by actively trying to improve yourself, think of some goals that you want and find a way to start getting them. you want freinds? get a hobbie where you are forced to talk to people, you want independence? write a resume.you want to stop being depressed? actively try to work towards being happy. you want to do something with your life? read a book and figure out what you want to do or how to do it. youll still encounter bullies as an adult but if you actively work to become a better person what they say wont matter to you. the worst thing you can do is nothing
if you really wanted to die you would have allready done it. you dont. do something productive
Go and suffer for a few more years, after that plan on realization of suicide.
Yea try to ignore pessimist and depressive cucks like The worst thing for a depressive person is contact with another depressive, trust me, I know all about this.
Yes, much like everybody else said, everything before 21 is meaningless, that is when life truly starts. I used to be in a very similar situation as yours, I can't even remember my middle school years. I was one of those guys that liked MLP and everyone was calling me a faggot and i basically had 0 friends. High school started pretty rough as well but I started working out, started studying and getting good grades and generally being less of an ass to others. Then in my 4th year of high school I got a girlfriend, started going out more and more and got admitted to a great computer science university.
Trust me, life gets better, just be patient, and know how to play your cards, playing the tranny gay boy role isn't helping that much, you know? Start going to the gym or something, remember to get 8 hours of sleep everynight, you need that level of testosterone to be a bit higher.
....so, 4th year of highschool is when you were 21?
what country is this
I guess you're right. I've given up on so many things that I don't really have anything to lose if I give it another go. I might not know what I want to do with my life, but at least I'll do my best to fit in as much as I can. Just because being macho was never my thing doesn't mean I was destined to be a gay tranny, so maybe I should just ignore what others call me and prove myself to them. I'm still pretty unsure about all of this, but I'll give it some thought. Thanks anons, I really appreciate it.