My BF and I are two years in to a relationship, and there are several traits of his that I am a little worried about for the future.
>more judgemental than me, points out flaws/complains relatively often. >has a hard time stepping away from work, doesn't listen well when preoccupied. >does not always "follow through" when he gives his word about something.
These are the three biggest red flags. He is amazing in nearly every other way. these "red flags" are even blessings in some ways (like I'm confident that he will always be motivated)
What'a your opinion? It is hard to imagine breaking up with him because nothing is "wrong" and we are both very happy right now. I know I can't expect him to "change", but I have modified some of my behavior for him and he has been working on doing the same. Do you think some of these things could improve if he agrees to work on it (like not obsessing about work 24/7)?
The first two aren’t really red flags, they’re just his personality. The last one is worrisome though.
I would bring it up directly with him, and tell him that you love him, but this particular trait of his makes you uncomfortable because it adds uncertainty to your shared future.
Jonathan Hernandez
Have you considered talking with him?
None of those things seem like stuff you should freak out about, but the only way they will change if you talk about them. Just be prepared, you might have a few traits that he finds bohersome, and will come to light when you comfort him about his.
But that's how it has to be, if you want the relationship to last, or don't want to be stuck in an unhappy one
Owen Gomez
Why can't you just accept him for who he is? Why do woman fail to grasp the concept that a relationship is about growing together instead of them fulfilling every single one of your desires? I'm sure you have flaws that bother him but you don't see him on here asking if he should be worried. If you love him accept him for who he is and quit worrying about petty shit when you should be asking yourself what YOU can do to grow together
Nathan Taylor
I agree- the first one is only worrisome because I noticed it lowered my self confidence. He says stuff like "you need new shoes, those are raggity" or "you should wear your hair down, it looks better"- which are really minor things but he does it all the time- to the point where whenever I see something he's expressed a negative opinion of, it makes me feel bad. So basically whenever I see the majority of my clothes, when I see myself in a mirror, when I am deciding what to order at a resteraunt and I know he'll comment on my choice, etc. I'm naturally more carefree than him and because he is vocal about his opinions, I have become less so.
Second one is just annoying. I'll say his name like 4 times and he won't acknowledge me. Or he'll be in the middle of a sentence/story and look at his phone and just stop in the middle, and then become unresponsive.
I've mentioned the last one to him. He gets defensive about it sometimes but in general is pretty open to trying to improve it. He's not a planner, and he doesn't know what he wants, and he has very low motivation to do something that he does not want to do. That just leads to a lot of situations where he ends up going back on his word.
Ryan Johnson
I have talked with him seriously about the last one, i've expressed my frustrations about the first two but not in the same tone of seriousness as the last.
And I've already made huge changes to my life and mannerisms for him- he is not afraid to voice his preferences as well and since I have been in longer relationships before, I know that work and compromise goes in to making it healthy. This is his first relationship so he is kinda still learning.
You think that these are things that can change though? If we discuss them openly and he agrees to try to make some changes?
Brayden Long
You're pretty much describing most males. He just chooses to be vocal about dislikes, which is pretty damn good. This means he won't quietly resent you after marriage. You picked a winner
Connor Foster
You're actually very off the mark here: I accept most of his flaws, MUCH so more than he accepts mine. He is constantly critiquing me about big and small things, and he is constantly "worrying"about our relationship.
These are three things that I have a hard time accepting. I can accept them to a degree, but he also needs to work on being a considerate partner. My expectations are increadibly reasonable and low maintenance. If he is not able to fulfill them then I will break up with him. I'm asking whether or not these are things that you believe he has the ability to change on.
I don't expect him to stop being judgemental, but I do expect him to be less vocal about things that are really insignificant and might make me feel bad. It's about having consideration for my feelings.
Carter Anderson
It's annoying. I LIKE most things, so I feel like it's just a constant stream of pessimism. We go to a resteraunt and he microanalyses everything. He complainins about the temperature, then about the seats, then about what material the bowls are made of, then what food I chose to order, then the quality of the food, then the service, then he says the way I eat is gross, then he starts talking about politics and reading his phone. I feel like he is always either whining or not paying attention. Are most guys really like that? How can you look at the world and have so much of a problem with it?
Benjamin Smith
Have you tried not taking every nitpick as a personal insult? If they're so insignificant then why are your feelings getting hurt? >My expectations are increadibly reasonable and low maintenance The staggering number of women I have seen say this are almost always full of shit. Again you either love him and work with him to get what you BOTH want or you don't and you split up
Robert Bennett
Because it's constant. I have never had self esteem issues before this, but after two years of every day constantly getting critiqued, it's had a negative effect on how I view myself. You can understand that, right?
I know you're using your experiences to project about my situation to help offer me advice, but please don't assume that I am like those other women. In terms of personal interaction, I really do have low expectations.
I do love him, and I'd like to work with him to get what we both want. But I have already come to the middle- I am willing to negotiate and compromise, but I need him to be willing to do the same, and I need to know that these changes are changes that can actually be made in a relationship
Wyatt Ortiz
If those are his only redflags he is a saint man.
Jaxon Diaz
>You think that these are things that can change though? If we discuss them openly and he agrees to try to make some changes? I think he would, if he cares about the relationship enough to try. He probably does since it's his first, and been going for 2 years.
You could try to point out his flaws in the manner he does, and after a while talk about how always heckling each other doesn't do anything and you should just stop. For work, I found that scheduling free time as much as work time helps a lot. The promise is a tough one. Maybe if you emphasize how it's really important that he follows trough with his given word? Cultivating Integrity in someone is the hardest.
Luis Phillips
If he doesnt want to change then he's obviously not worth it. Sorry a lot of the things you're guy is guilty of my ex found I was guilty of only she didn't want to work with me the way you do with your guy. Good luck I hope you guys figure it out
Juan Parker
You sound like a real shitter as a gf. Just accept who he is or don’t and move on. Your first red flag is normal for men. We judge more. Like my wife goes to pride festivals and I think it’s an immoral degenerate pit for the most part. No prob with fags though. The second on again he is a man we tend to get lost in work. Shit I work 6 days a week and my one da off I wanna get to work. The third really depends on what your asking of him
Lincoln Hill
Thank you, these are helpful.
You're clearly just feel personally attacked since you have similar flaws to the man I'm dating. There's no need to get defensive. I hope my boyfriend doesn't act like you when we discuss this- if you're not willing to compromise and work together with your spouse then you and your partner will never be happy.
Yeah dude I know men judge more I just want him to suck it up and not bellyache all day. When I have a complaint I keep it to myself because I'm a mature person and I don't think the world is obligated to hear all of my opinions despite not wanting to hear anyone else's opinion. Likewise, I have developed the ability to catagorize work vs free time. And no, a promise is a promise. If he's not willingness to commit to something, then it's his responsibility to say so. I'm perfectly fine with him not being sure of something or being uncertain- I'm not okay with him promising something that he never intends to do, or not following through because of laziness.
Look everyone has flaws. I have flaws. I am pretty messy, i don't eat a wide variety of foods, I am argumentative. Those are all things I make a conscious effort to improve on every day, since they are things that my partner has pointed out and I love him so I want to make him happy.
Samuel Williams
I guarantee he is not more judgmental than you. You're a woman. Women are the most judgmental creatures on the planet.
Doesn't listen when preoccupied? It's because he's PREOCCUPIED you nitpicking roastie.
You think you've "modified" some of your behavior? Doubt that. Women don't change anything about themselves. You'll be a fat pig after you trick him into marrying you.
Carson Hughes
You are a major nitpicker. "Be less vocal and blah blah blah."
Do him a favor and disappear.
Evan Sanders
Do The world a favor and kill yourself
Anthony Anderson
OP comes for advice, doesn't like advice, so WE are missing the mark. Kek roastie.
Owen Watson
Hey op wanted to share a similar story. My girlfriend of two years was exactly the same, she struggled heavily with school bc the work she did wasn't what she wanted so she was highly unmotivated. When she was doing stuff and i was over her house, she'd be running around ignoring me, and at the end of it all I'd be asking why did I even come over? Lastly she would critique me all the time, rarely give me compliments, only occassionally liking what I wore if especially she bought it for me.
She actually broke up with me a couple days ago due to distance, but I think that was a symptom and not the cause. Th cause is probably she just wasn't into me anymore, and I've accepted it. It turned out to be a real blessing though, bc I no longer feel constrained to act or behave a certain way. First thing I did was shave my whole face. I've gotten lots of weird looks at first but then people were like "hey, that actually looks good on you"
I think in a relationship people should accept each other completely. That's what I've always done, but somewhere along the line I started thinking it was okay she didn't accept me. This is my and yours, OP, shared fault in letting this happen. When we first saw it, we shouldve put a stop to it.
In any case, you still have the power to do something about this. You will find other guys who make you feel happy and secure as well. You can also take your chances and try to change your boyfriend. But then you're not really accepting who he is. Godspeed
Justin Torres
Telling me that women suck is not "advice" for the question I asked
Colton Butler
Thanks dude. And you're right. Part of the reason why I feel justified in asking him to change is because he has asked me to change so much. In a way I feel like it's made me better so I don't dislike that I've changed some, but there are also some things that he'll just have to accept about me that I can't change.
Noah Green
Sounds like he's bored OP. Why criticise shit constantly otherwise. Unless he's always been like it but now it's getting on your tits.
