Can someone rationally explain to me what exactly are the issues of talking about sexual history with your partner?

Only thing you need to know about your partner's past is whether she has any STDs and whether she has ever cheated.
Asking for details is dumb and bound to make you sad or worse, you got nothing to gain.

What's the age & plans of you both for the next 3-4 years?

Maybe if you‘re 20 and plan on dating for half a year or so. I think this apporach isn‘t suitable for a life long relationship between adults.

We‘re around 30 and we have two kids. Plans are just to raise our kids and be and stay a family without ruining our relationship in the process i guess.

It's on long time relationships that it actually matters most. What are you gonna gain by asking that, besides fulfilling your curiosity?

>we have two kids
Jesus Christ, woman. Are you married? If so what exactly is the problem?

How does „we have two kids“ warrant a response like „jesus christ, woman“?

Yes, we are married and i already explained in this post
See here

I meant with that fact you've passed all limits, unless one of you is a top-secret agent.
Sorry, I didn't read

That's vague as hell though. What did you do that you absolutely have to share it with him?

I didn‘t do anything. As i said, i don‘t need or want his absolution. I never did promiscuous stuff, if that‘s what you‘re concerned about. But my sexual experiences were pretty bad. And i‘d need him to know why i respond the way i do in order to find a solution. Let‘s just say that i‘ve been having sex without ever wanting to for years and that this had a huge impact on me and my approach to sex.

What do you mean by „i‘ve passed all limits“?

You both were dating, engaged, gave the oath, now married, live together, have 2 kids... Full set.

Oh, alright. Then yes, i guess we‘ve passed all limits.

Goddamn, are we talking about rape? If that's your issue I'd consider talking to a therapist before going to your husband for help. You can't really expect him to be able to handle such a thing if you yourself can't.

I know very intimate details of my gfs past that would drive most people here nuts.
Helped me a lot with my insecurities and to become more confident sexually.

Not per se, i mean, i never got raped in an ally at gun point. But it definitely goes into that direction.
Oh, i have and still go to therapy. I don‘t want him to „fix me“ or „deal with it“. It‘s just that it has a huge impact on my sexuality and since he‘s involved in my sexuality, as it happens to be with him being my sex partner for the rest of my life, it absolutely is something that impacts him too.
We‘ve been putting more focus on our sex life the past few months, trying to work trough some issues (for example my problems with arrousal and orgasm and sex drive) but i can t see that happen without him knowing wtf we‘re dealing with. He can‘t understand why i react the way i do if he doesn‘t know why i do it. I tried to explain it to him without telling hum where it comes from and he just doesn‘t get it. This is kind of my last resort and i don‘t think he can get to a point of being alright with hearing about my sexual past any time soon. And i can‘t keep having sex with him if we can‘t straighten up the issues we‘re having when we sleep together or it will be all the same even when different. I‘ll be having sex out of a feeling of duty, despite not enjoying or wanting it. I‘m REALLY done with doing that.

Can you tell me your mindset about your gf‘s sexual past that made you not see it as something very threatening and something you definitely don‘t want to know about?

> Not per se, i mean, i never got raped in an ally at gun point. But it definitely goes into that direction.
Yeah, I guessed that much, since you said it happened multiple times.
Look, he's your husband, and that's some messed up shit to hear about your wife. I can't fathom how he's gonna react to hearing something like that, and I'm pretty sure you don't either - and that's the actual reason you haven't talked to him about it yet.
He's your husband after all, if you were 100% sure he'd be helpful you'd have already at least forced him to hear it.
Unfortunately I can't really assure you that's it'll be all fine and dandy. He's bound to overreact, he might get his emotions out on you (blame you for it, get angry at you etc) and you might go through a tough spot afterwards until he manages to deal with it. If you believe in him, though, I'd say go ahead and do it. Just tune your expectations, and don't be surprised if it seems like a mistake that you told him at first.

That‘s exatcly the decision i‘m trying to make here.
I don‘t think he‘s there yet to hear about it but it‘s also kind of urgent since i don‘t think he could handle me just stopping to sleep with him. And i can‘t see me sleeping with him any longer if nothing changes. And i don‘t see real change happening unless he knows what‘s going on. It‘s a tough decision. It‘s either diregarding my own needs or risking our relationship and god damn i can‘t make that decision. I‘d really need him in on this and it‘s so hard for me to let it go because he can‘t even give me a good reason why he can‘t handle talking about my sexual past. I was hoping someone could shed a light so i could understand where he‘s coming from. I don‘t think he‘s not telling me, i suspect that he doesn‘t even know himself.

Re read and i think you‘re spot on. I can't protect him from feeling his feels. I‘ve done so for years and it‘s slowly destroying me and our relationship. He might not be able to deal with it right then and there but maybe he might be able to deal with it over time and i‘ll never know until i take a leap of faith and hope for him to come around sometime. I think i can handle him not dealing well for a while. If he‘ll never get to that point, i can see what we‘ll have to do when that actually happens. Right now i‘m just assuming and hypotizing and that might be far from reality. Only one way to find out.
Thanks a lot, user. You‘re good .

A man will stalk all of a porn star's social media accounts, gathering every last picture of he can find of various dicks inside of her because he pretends it's him. He doesnt want you to talk about your sexual past because he wants to pretend it's always been him. Men live in a deluded fantasy world where their dick is the only dick in the universe and they don't want you to mess it up for them. Other dicks are gross and if you've touched a dick you're gross. Unless they're staring at another guy's dick getting pleasured and pretending it's their dick - that's not gross that's super hot and sexy.

I mean, i understand. I know that you really can‘t compare male and female sexuality and that we have complete different approaches, values and priorities. I get the primal, „reptilian brain“ response to having to imagine your wife being with someone else. I get that it trigger some „need to spread my dna, need to kill competitors and their offspring“ mentality. But is there no way those thousands of years of evolution might have equipped the human of 2018 with some way to counter that ancient logic and drive? Some calm, collected and reasonable approach? No? Damn it.

You think i could soften the blow if i, and i honestly mean that, tell him that i wish it would have always been him, from the first time i ever had sex? It would have made eveything so much better and saved me so much pain, but i can‘t change the past. I would if i could. Maybe knowing that might ease his mind?

Problem with that is that i think he‘ll just assume i said that to ease his mind and not actually mean it. He probably thinks that i still have to imagine and am hung up about my past encounters to get aroused or whatever. Sigh...

what do you need, you can just tell him what you like without saying "and that time when john shoved his entire dick down my throat i came buckets, do that too!!!"

You haven‘t read the thread, right?
The issue is of entirely different nature.

Besides, i‘ve tried to tell him what i need, but it doesn‘t stick without him knowing why it would be so god damn important to me. Atleast i hope it would finally click with him if he knows why i need what i need.

I'm a woman but thats just what I've gathered from dating men. They aren't emotionally mature enough to talk about previous sex partners without picturing it and being scared by the images it brings to their mind. Ask him to try whatever it is you want to try as if you've never tried it before. Act like its brand new but you really enjoy it and want to do it again. Sadly that's probably the best you'll be able to get out of this situation.

It annoys me too so you aren't alone.

the complete opposite
fuck you whore, you will know jelousy when your stupid face gets wrinkled

Yeah, it‘s not like i want to repeat anything i‘ve experienced ever again. I tried telling him what i need and it goes well for a moment and then we‘re back at the old patterns again and i can‘t do that anymore. I don‘t have the energy to tell him again, and again, and again, every few days. I need him to actually understand, and not just act on what i tell him and then forget about it two minutes later, when the blood has rushed somewhere else. My last hope is that if he knows why i need what i need that he won‘t forget it anymore, even when he‘s aroused.

What would be the complete opposite?

i mean what the fuck, fucking devoid of empathy slags, will you just sit tight if i tell you to massage my dick with your vagina like my ex did? no ofcourse youd be seething and quite possibly look for another dick instantly

you get mad even if someone looks at another ass on the street or porn in some cases, fuck you hypocrite subhumans

Wtf. Atleast read the thread before posting.
I don‘t want him to keep doing the same stuff others have done. That‘s the whole point. I need him to do things differently or i can‘t do it anymore. Telling him doesn‘t work. At all. My hope is that if he knows why i don‘t want him to do the things he does, he might finally stop, alright?

Why would you be jealous of a past situation though? I've felt jealousy and it's over current things. And idk why a wrinkled face is an insult... I hope you never get married. Because aging is also a thing that happens to everyone. You can bury yourself in porn and pretend your fucking barely legal teens while watching them get pounded by other men's dicks til the day you die but you're still gonna age.

>Why would your ego stand in the way of wanting to understand the person you want to share the rest of your life with a bit better?
I'm sorry I can't offer any useful words for your situation, but I just want to say thanks for writing this. I needed to read it. I was thinking of lying about my own experiences, but yeah, I want to understand her and I want her to understand me. Thank you.

I‘m proud of you for chosing this path. In my own experience, honesty beats keeping up a facade in every situation. Sometimes not immediately but definitely in the long run.

No, don't do that. Don't lie, and don't apologize for what you went through. That's a moment of truth for you and a call for maturity for him, don't sully it with lies trying to make him feel better, it's impossible. Say the truth minimally and hope for the best.
Good luck.

It wouldn‘t be a lie. Definitely not. But he migh think it is one, which would make it worse. Oh well.

Watching porn and staring at other women are things that are happening currently within the relationship. Sometimes if it happens too much it can make it seem like you aren't all that interested in the person you're with.

Experiences with exes who you'll never speak to again are in the past. If both people can be mature adults and accept they've both had sexual experiences before and can communicate what they did and didnt like it can lead to mindblowing sex.

Idk why my ability to separate these things makes me devoid of empathy.

Most people who are uncomfortable about it has an issue with either WHAT happened, or WHO it happended with.

I know a guy who slept with my sister. I had not meet him before, but he apparently knew who I was, because he did not want to talk about it. Learned it later from my sister, and while I didn't have any particular problem with it, I understand why he wasn't comfortable sharing that information.

Similarly, I have a friend who was molested for a long time, including full on penetrating sex, by her uncle. She is not willing to discuss past sexual experiences, because she may be good at giving head, but she doesn't want to be reminded of why, and she sure doesn't want to tell a boyfriend that kind of information.

If you start getting to a point where you are considering marriage, then people really ought to open up, but while you are just getting to know each other, opening Pandora's box is not necessary, especially if your history isn't just "I slept with this person/these people, and it was okay"

But why would he not want to know if he doesn‘t know what it‘s about and with whom?

I get why it‘s unnecessary in a new relationship and if it has no impact on the current situation, but actively not wantig to know after your partner told you it‘s important seems kind of weird.

I really couldn't say how he'll respond, but as a point of reference for you: I dated a woman a while back and we were sharing past dating experiences, she was telling me about how one guy had gotten really gropey with her. I didn't know her that well yet, but it definitely made me upset for her. Sad that she had to deal with that shit. A bit uncomfortable, sure, but I'm glad she trusted me enough to confide in me.

I doubt any guy who's married with 2 kids is going to be so immature as to think you're lying.

how convieniently ignore the dickmassage part, fucking passive agressive piece of shit, no you arent "mature" for wanting to tell how you sucked dick, stupid asshat, hope he leaves your sorry ass for a bimbo, you deserve it

Maybe he wants to save you from feeling like you HAVE to tell him? I don't know, just a thought. If you WANT to tell him you should make it clear (if you haven't done so already).

Watch Casablanca. Handle it like Rick.

I'll talk about it then. There's a way too convey that information without offending someone. Dont drone on and on about how your ex was so good at massaging your dick. You don't even have to bring up who it was specifically or what happened with that person. But you can tell someone what feels good for you without sounding like a tactless retard. But if you just go right into it showering your ex with compliments and sounding like your reminiscing then yeah shes probably going to be offended. Idk why you're acting like I'm saying you should go into extensive detail for hours. I'm saying telling someone what you like ups the chances of you getting that thing rather than just sitting around waiting for them to stumble upon the fact that you like that thing someday.

My concern is not that he thinks i‘m lying.
My concern is that he can‘t get over knowing detail of my sexual past and that hema not mature enough to not let it influence our relationship.

You do realize that this woman isn‘t me, op, right?

I made it very clear that it is important to me, yes

How does he handle it?

You don't really earn anything by doing it and you just get jealous and resentful anyway.

I think it is important to get a rough understanding of what sex means to the other person, but sexual history in depth with body counts or specific stories is kind of weird.

Again, the issue is that my husband does stuff that has happened in past sexually abusive relationships and he won‘t stop, despite me telling him to and giving him alternatives. All i want is for him to know WHY i don‘t want him doing what he does in hopes that i don‘t have to tell him every time again and then him falling back into old patterns again. That‘s all there is to it. I don‘t want to tell him details, believe me. And if i could avoid it, i wouldn‘t see the necessity of telling him, either. But in this case, i really see no other way. And it is very frustrating that he can‘t even tell me one reason why he doesn‘t want to know. Atleast not one good reason i could say, alright, that weights up against my reasons for needing to tell you.

It's a primitive instinct that is present in all tournament species.

There are two perspectives, one of the male and the female.

Men:
Knowing your partners sexual history signals you is that you are not the first option. If you just focus on reproduction itself, it could also imply that if the previous relationship did work out, that your partner might have kids with someone else.

Women:
It signals them that they weren't the first choice.

Note the difference between option and choice. In a tournament species you have to differentiate between those that can fight in the "tournament" with an optional price, that is the female partner. And the female side, the male has the choice to select a tournament and therefor also the price (think about packs and top dogs).

This creates a lot of stress and insecurities, as it questions your effectiveness in reproduction, which essentially is your sole purpose in life.

I get that. I know it. But if i can stand above my reptilian brain instincts, why can‘t he?

Too long to phonepost about, even considering I was half done and Jow Forums simply deleted it.
Will type it out when I get home in about 8 hours.

tl;dr version: stories convinced me that I'm either the best she ever had in most regards (relationship, emotional maturity, kindness), was already very good and would surpass all the others guven time (sex), some things weren't as crucial as I had thought (kinks) and others I had unwarranted inferiority complexes about (penis size)

I was abused sexually as a kid from a male babysitter. I am female. This is part of my sexual history. Now I don't have a problem telling. Other people like me might be very sensitive and may not be able to tell you yet. I didn't tell anyone until I was waaay older. I didn't want to even chance opening back up those memories even though they are currently disassociated. People may have reasons why they don't say certain things and if they feel safe they may tell you in time.

Noone can absolutely stand above reptilian brain. It is wired deep down with hormones.

Read about battle of sexes. You are in advantage that you know that your child is yours while male can just guess and doesn't want to waste time on taking care of foreign genes. That's why this resentment exist and is strong within man.

2 mature adults who genuinely trust each other should be able to speak in detail about their sexual history without either one getting jealous or freaking out. Unfortunately, a lot of adults aren't mature about their sex lives. Sounds like you married an immature manchild. Good luck.

My bf always tries to put it in my butt and I don't like it at all. I'm nearly at the point of breaking up with him with his total disrespect. Guys are like children, they know you don't like it but pester you believing you'll acquiesce like their mom did.

Anyway, I made up a reason and it fucked my bf's head up and serves him right. I told him my ex forced it in and I had to go to the emergency room. I let his mind do the rest.

I've had this with girls before and this actually makes me really angry. Girls will do all kinds of things in the past with guys, some guys they only met an hour before but with guys they have been with for years or guys who love them endlessly they wont do exciting stuff with.
Shit like this has made me walk out before, don't be surprised if this is making your husband resent you deep down inside enough to cheat

it's not resentment, it's just the order of nature which does know such things as resentment. the living being does what is best for its genes to survive, by removing competitors.

you think a lion feels resentment when he feeds of a zebra?

*does not know

not the user you responded too but booohooo you poor boy. you think we are nothing more than a doll to be used for whatever perversion you can think up or heard about. yes, I/we have done things before but that doesn't mean we liked it or want to make it a habit. My body and you have no say.

believe me, I want nothing to do with your body..

>you think we are nothing more than a doll to be used for whatever perversion you can think up or heard about.
Neither of the 2 posters but ....
Sex wasn't even mentioned by the poster at all and you go full retard about some sort of perversion. And even if the initial intent to lead into that direction, you can apply the same logic in other aspects, like traveling, hobbies, etc. I'm to tired to break down for you because i'm sure you would want to understand it wrong anyway.

>being mad over a comment
>comment has nothing to do with you
>having issues that run so deep you become that sidetracked and tirggered
>going full feminist on Jow Forums
>enjoy your 9 cats and cervical cancer

You know he meant sex so are you retarded or pretending to be?

And yes it can be applied to other things but if he likes McDonalds and I don't and he tried to force feed me a burger I'd have him arrested. Now we could coexist if he ate all the burgers and fries in the world and I went elsewhere for lunch.

what does respecting me enough not to force a sexual perversion on me have to do with feminism?

>You know he meant sex so are you retarded or pretending to be?

> i'm sure you would want to understand it wrong anyway.
Thanks for proving my point.

Just read the whole thread with the sexual absue part.
My story probably won't be helpful then, will it?

What is a psycho bitch for 200?
Instead of being honest you lied to your partner. I hope you are wise enough to be a better person before you lose your lover.

Trust with a partner and wanting to share yourself in its entirely with him as he would do the same for you.
>woops already did that with another guy

If you were white, conservative, looked pretty, and had all the potential for being a wonderful mother, I wouldn’t pick you.
You are a disgusting feminist with hypocritical standards and you will grow old alone.

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>does feminist rant
>omg what has this got to do with feminism
>mfw you are too far gone
>female legbeard confirmed