To guys with trust issues:
What kind of behaviours could help you feel more at ease?
I am willing to do basically anything but drop my two male friends (known them for 10 and 18 years, one is married and one engaged).
I used to talk to a long term bf from time to time, but I stopped shortly after I started dating my bf out of respect.
I tried writing out things that are good for me, but what I realized is that context is just as important as personal preference. This isn't something you can ask random people about in terms of somebody else. The only thing I could think up that wasn't mostly specific to me would be in the rare instances that someone feels vulnerable and broken down, to offer but not outright force physical contact/comforting.
I have major trust issues, and for me I think it's less about doing things preemptively as it is keeping up a constant flow that proves that trust is warranted. For example, I never asked my ex to prove I should trust her, but whenever she lied about something to me, chastised my in public, chose not to listen to my thoughts (after listening to hers), or taking sides with others (especially if there wasn't anything in it for her other than getting to fight me on something) my trust waned until it was all gone. If he's still alright (even reluctantly) with you having those friends, then just keep up everything you can to be good to eachother and eventually you'll get his trust no doubt.
This is really helpful.
I am a very trusting person, naturally, so when he tells me he doubts that I am faithful it really upsets me because I have not done anything to be treated like that. It feels unfair to me.
My first instinct is to try and give him reasons to trust him, but maybe it isn't the best strategy in these occasions?
Talk to him. A lot.
Helped me to trust women again.
I definitely do that.
Well it sounds like his trust issues are very different than mine. I never really thought she was cheating on me so much as I thought I couldn't give her my honest self because I always thought she would "betray" me.
Has your ex been cheated on in the past? He might just have issues trusting women and will likely have to get over it through the healing of time.
He also feels like I am going to abandon him and betray him sometimes, but that is rather easy to prove by the fact that I am always there by his side. And with time, it got easier.
I cannot prove I am not doing something (cheating).
He has been cheated on before and it was also really nasty. I don't want to get into detail, but his ex was really a terrible person and he is really naive and kind.
We are also in a LDR at the moment so it is extra hard for him, I think. I am seeing him soon and we are moving in together at the end of the summer, tho, so it might finally ease a little bit.
Don't know if it applies to him but for me, not talking about our private life to people.
Truth is it will always be hard to trust a girl with a lot of guy friends.Too many thots these days that like to cuck their bf with their friend that "they shouldn't be worried about". That's not saying you're going to it's just increasingly difficult to trust the word of anyone these days.
Always tell the truth.
Do not play games.
When the other opens up and tells you the truth, accept it gracefully, supportively, curiously, and without negative judgement.
If you do something that would potentially cause suspicion, empathize and bring up what you think they'll be thinking about the situation. Ask what they think about it curiously.
Never punish honesty. (Don't be in a relationship with someone who punishes honesty)
Anyone who makes their significant other drop their opposite sex friends (not exes) is incredibly insecure and/or has major trust issues that should be addressed outside the relationship. If my girlfriend gave me the ultimatum of choosing her or my friends I'd drop her ass in a heartbeat even though I do love her. Nobody who loves me would have me make that decision.
> has severe issues around trust and with BF
> Plans on moving in with him soon immediately after being LDR
OhBoy
We already lived together for a short while and we lived nearby for a year, we weren't a LDR to begin with.
He hasn't asked me to do anything, really. He is jealous and uncomfortable with it but he gets how much I care about them.
He didn't even ask about the ex, I chose to do it myself.
Pretty much what has already been said.
>be consistent
>be honest
>be open and communicative
I think part of being open is also letting your partner know your fears which may be different than his. It shows that he isn't isolated in his feelings of inadequacy. You have to share all of your parts and don't put on a face for him to keep him at ease.
With being consistent how often do y'all say "i love you" and etc, and who initiates these things?
I honestly don't think I go more than 30 minutes without telling him I love him or paying him a compliment ever. I am crazy in love with this guy.
I don't have huge problems beside being a little uncomfortable with my body. I don't know how to share that in a way that doesn't sound like I am fishing for compliments. He is aware of it tho.
Interesting. I have been cheated on, but my trust issues actually involve a partner actively hurting me. Because I've had that happen, too.
I would go with what said. But I would also add to that, don't raise your voice unnecessarily, and if there's anything you need to discuss, for fuck's sake, do not ever say the words "we need to talk" without literally finishing the sentence with a nutshell summary of what about. Those may not be applicable to your situation, though.
I would consider too much jealousy to be something he needs to get over with professional help above your pay-grade. Do not drown yourself trying to save someone else.
I have major trust issues. Basically I just buried everything deep down. The only one thing that you can do is build a time machine & stop whatever gave them trust issues. My ex tried to help (at the start before gaslighting me) anyway possible, but it never worked. Basically depends on how serious their trust issues are.
Just don't do shady shit. My ex didn't seem to understand that I didn't trust her talking to her guy "friends", liking pictures of their faces on instagram, secret text conversations that she seemed to hide from me, disappearing in the middle of phone/skype calls without saying anything, saying she'd be asleep and then posting on shit, or worse, going on skype when she was supposedly "asleep" or when I'd go invisible. Also, if you're going to do shady shit, don't do it in front of us, we're not fucking stupid and we can see things like that from a mile away.
I mean, I do talk to my guy friends, and sometimes like pics on social media. But, again, they are friends. He can read all the texts. I don't give a damn.
I sleep by his side, I don't really lock my phone, I don't really have secrets.
He isn't mean to me at all. He is really lovely and kind, but I can tell he is uncomfortable and I want to make things easy for him.
Personally ive been lied to used cheated on stolen from. Women have treated me like garbage and tried to act like i was in the wrong when i was the victim
It sounds to me like youre already doing things right. If i met someone like you, willing to work in a relationship itd be great. Your guy is gonna be fine.
Hey OP, not much advice here, but I offer a perspective that hasn't been mentioned in the thread yet:
I used to have 'trust' issues with my gf and it turned out to be rooted in jealousy. I even had trust issues with the relationships she has with her brothers and a guy cousin of hers. Fucked things right up.
The fact that you have known your guy friends for 10 and 18 years would make a guy like me be mega untrusting for sure; if I were your bf I would be super hung up on the fact that I could never compete with these guys who have already been through so much with you and know things about you that I (as a bf) may never know. This means that I would be afraid that you'd at the very least, emotionally cheat on me for certain things - you'd go to them and not me because they have likely been there for you in the past.
Also, if your bf is anything like me, he values learning/trying new things and experiencing 'firsts' together as well, and the idea that you've experienced so much with these other guys makes a guy like me feel less valuable.
The only advice I can think of is to make your bf know he can offer you something that your friends can't.
I am sorry, user. It sucks. I have been on your end, too, and it really sucks.
That is very interesting. I honestly try to treat my bf as my best friend too - I tell him everything, I talk to him about everything. It is something I really missed in my old relationship and I wanted it so much in this one. And I love that I have it with him.
My friends and I are in the same field and we are very close personality wise and in terms of interests, we don't have a super feelingy friendship. We surely talk personal shit, but most of the time is banter and bullshit.
I discuss my problems with my bf, and sometimes with my friends but more in terms of "this shit is happening in my life, just so you are aware it is a thing". It was more deep when my bf wasn't around. If I talk feels, it's to say how much I am in love with my bf lol.