When I was married 15 years ago, I definitely loved my wife. We had kids and I love them very much, even now, of course. Some odd years, maybe 5, my wife started to be less involved. She doesn't help in the slightest and I'm not exaggerating. She sleeps 20 hours a day, she won't help with the kids, she doesn't cook or clean, she doesn't work. She sits in her bed except for the few times she goes to the bathroom and watches TV and smokes cigarettes. And inb4 I've never expected her to be a housewife and gave nothing but support for her making her own way and working as much as she pleased. All I ever asked was she contribute in some way. Well, she just doesnt. I used to try and discuss it with her to no success because when I would say anytime remotely true she gets upset and just starts a fight. Even when I keep extremely calm and appear caring. But none of that matters were years past that. I gave up trying to talk to her about it. The closest thing I got to making any head way was she finally admitted to being depressed and seeking help. She's been in therapy 2 years now, and the medication is mediocre at best. It slightly helped but not enough to actually do anything. Maybe she feels better but her mentality doesn't put food in our guts. Again I have done nothing but show support for her mentality as well.
I should mention she had a rough childhood of sexual abuse from a man who played the role of her grandfather and neglect from her mother. Which of course just recently moved in with us
How did I end up such a beta fuck? How did It all come vehemently crashing on my shoulders
Can't make myself love my wife
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There are so many fucking issues to unpack here, you could not possibly receive an adequate answer to your issues. You yourself should seek out a therapist to discuss and work through these issues. Your wife should shop for a therapist until she finds a good one - I've been on anti-depressents, and it takes a long time to figure out if they work, much less work well.
But it's not really the depression, it's a lifetime of habits that's really got your wife. If laziness has become a sort of defense-mechasnism for her, and this has been the way she's lived all her life, then it would take SERIOUS willpower and daily practice on her own part, not yours, to fix. Something tells me your wife might not want to change, or is so messed up she's incapable of realizing the things necessary to do so.
Like I said, you have A LOT of problems here. But please, don't blame yourself. You were right to be supportive of the woman you loved. Don't let all the 'kek beta cuck faggot' memes get you down. It's one thing to be pushed around, it's another to understand your partner is messed up in the head, and to be understanding of that.
You're a good person, user, and you can come through this.
She's a woman
And you're just now realizing that they're useless?
Women only exist to take
she sounds depressed
get her a new therapist to be honest
How fat is she?
based user getting to the heart of the matter
So her mother is living with you two? Kick her out and your wife will improve
Listen to this guy. You're not gonna get adequate responses here, seek a professional.
Op here
I'm already in therapy but in fairness, I don't feel any diffrent. The first response is exactly what I was afraid of hearing. I don't think there is any change, to be had.
And she's not fat at all. If that were the case I would at least find some justifications in it. But she's just not, she has problems gaining weight as a matter of fact. The last doctor we took her too wanted to treat her for weight gain before he even treated her for a mental disorder. Hence why we've been to so many diffrent ones. But looking back I forgot where I was, I probably should've mentioned that. She's fit enough this isn't the issue.
And yeah her mother lives here now. She's an insufferable woman that was kicked out of my wife's brothers maybe house maybe 4 months ago so she's staying here now. Despite the childhood she put them through, her kids can't let her go. Idk why? I can't in good conscious just let her be homeless, but again not exactly the issue. She's not exactly all there, so it's easy to dismiss her rambling.
Regardless thanks for the responses, more than anything I just wanted to rant a bit.
Thank you most of all.
Op again.
Few things I left out last night.
I guess I should give her some credit, I work nights so honestly I need her. I don't have family breaking the door down to watch my kids, even if I did leave. It's not really an option. She's at the very least someone to be here with my children. They're not little kids but not quite old enough to take care of themselves. I always told myself if things didn't change then I wold leave as soon as they are old enough. But even so I don't think I can. I don't know what it is she holds over me. Maybe it was were she was loyal to me when I went through a time of dealing with people who weren't to me? Idk. I just don't wanna leave. She's not a bad person. Truly. She's just sick. I'm sure I am too but I didn't decide to partner with someone officially so that I could spend my life taking care of another adult.
Maybe I'm just not cut out for this kind of life? I spent the better years of my 20s saying this wouldn't be me. I wouldn't be a cookie cutter, yes man, working 9-5. Granted things didn't turn out that way but instead went the opposite. More negatively actually. I suppose most of all I expected my life to go somewhere else....anywhere else.
Now looking back, I think maybe I've always noticed this kind of behavior in her and myself. Ithe just didn't become a problem unail we became the "nuclear" family so to speak. I assumed as I grew, so would she. I've also began to realize how immature she is when there's an argument and other things too, which has made me wonder if there's not something more going on. Don't get me wrong I'm not insulting her at all these are just observations that I wouldn't say directly to her but observations none the less. She does many immature things and her IQ is...idk...sub part? If that's a good word? There's things she doesn't know, that seems like an adult should know. Not traits but misinformations. As in things she believes that as we grow, we learn just aren't true.
Cont.
Despite giving her the proper information and in some cases even showing her the facts, she still will not observe those truths. Apparently I just don't know what I'm talking about.
The other thing is on the chance she does go out of the house, she wants to drag as many animals back to this house as possible. She doesn't take care of not a one. It's also left up to me. Generally if I can't rehome it then it's just one more thing for me to take care of. I've asked her many...MANY, times to not bring anymore here, but she'llnever stop that I'm sure. It's not as if I expect her to listen to me as if I'm the boss, it's just she has to know she doesn't contribute. I don't wanna take care of anymore. I'm willing to care for the 6 we have now, luckily 5 of those are smaller animals, but that's it. And mostly for the kids sake. They help occasionally, but as most of us know they just end up causing more work with most things.
Anyway that's it. It's been decent venting a bit. Thanks for the intrest.
Nothing is going to change unless you initiate it. It's going to hurt and be hard but do you want to spend the rest of you life like this?
>How did I end up such a beta fuck?
What kind of example do you want to set for your kids?
Maybe you and your wife weren't meant to be together.
No. I dont. I really don't. But I don't know what more to do. Are you suggesting leave her? Provided I don't find some alternative for child care before my kids grow up (just a bit more even)
Then eventually that's the plan.
My kids see what's going on. I've taken every possible opportunity to explain to them this isn't how things should be. But ultimately, no, that's not the example I wanna set. As for being together, I think we're past that. This is more necessity than love. Although the cons outweigh the pros at this point.
Leave her yes. Ask your parents or family for help with the kids. But something needs to happen or you will be miserable for many more years. Tell your wife too. That something needs to change or you are gone. She might be dumb but that should sink in. Idk your life sounds like my worst nightmare
You really need to kick your mother-in-law out, don't look at it as making her homeless, there are plenty of places that temporarily home sober people. Tell her to try a women's refuge or something. If she was kicked out of your brother-in-law's place you'll end up having to do the same eventually anyway and it's not going to help your wife sort her life out having her there.
20 hours a day sleep was a giveaway.
Slap her. Not trying to be funny.
Honestly sounds like you made a huge mistake and had kids with a child stuck in an adults body... your wife isn’t mature enough to be a mother nor a wife
I'm sure that's my only option at this point, is to leave. I've been through all the talking I'm going too. I've tried the threats to leave. It doesn't work. My life isn't entirely a nightmare, just her. Everything else is pretty good. I suppose.
I will kick my mother-in-law out. Ive tried giving subtitles as to the fact, but I'm pretty sure that did nothing and I'll have to just be the asshole. I usually am anyway according to them. That gaslight shit doesn't work anyway. Her mother I honestly don't care about, she's a shitty person. It was just a courtesy to my wife to let her stay.
I'm not cut out for slapping. Truly things would be easier if I were that guy, but I'm just not.
It wasn't a mistake to marry her at the time. It was a lot of fun at first. We lived the party life then. We lived an awesome life actually. We spent weeks in Montana and Colorado with my cousin. At the time he worked in California and all we did was smoke pot and eat mushies on the weekends. Or take off to California with some chemistry majors just to party. When she got pregnant accidentally we moved to where we are now and settled down. I got a decent job and things gradually went down hill. And for the last 5 years or so it's been a one way conversation. One thing you are absolutely correct about is she is still a child. Idk how that mentality originated.
I hope i tagged everything correctly, I haven't been on Jow Forums for months.
>When she got pregnant accidentally
Song as old as rhyme
Tale as old as time
Normie pregnancyyyyyyyy
Seriously, what is an abortion?
seconding this question, she sounds like the kind of women who'd be fat.
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You can choose to believe me or not, but she weighs a 100-105 lbs. She has a weight gain issue. If she was fat, I wouldn't be so perplexed as to why she's so lazy. I would've chalked it up to that, if even to rationalize it.
My biological dad is in a relationship like this, except his kids are all old enough to take care of themselves. His wife doesn't do much though, from what I can tell.
--- I don't know how this happens, but honestly, I think marriage is tough and this is a pretty common conclusion. I don't know that there is a way to make it better once a person gets into a slump like this. At least not until the kids are older. I don't think she is setting a good example for them though.
Marriage is tough. We have 2 toddlers and both husband and myself work. We went from a couple with lots of good crazy sex to kind of broken after I was the victim of a crime about a year before my daughter was born. While I am busy, busy, busy, I find it really hard to be a good wife in the bedroom. Either I feel too tired from working and watching the kids -- but really, I think I'm just still very deeply traumatized.
All we can really do is acknowledge it is going to be a long road and keep trying to heal.
We fell in love for a reason, we still are in love for a reason. While it is really super easy to fall into the "oh gosh now we are that horrible married couple with a crappy sex life" type of thinking, really all things considering its halfway decent and once every month or so positively fantasmic.
If marriage WASN'T rough and these kind of hurdles were not so common, they wouldn't become memes in the first place.
>It wasn't a mistake to marry her at the time. It was a lot of fun at first. We lived the party life then. We lived an awesome life actually. We spent weeks in Montana and Colorado with my cousin. At the time he worked in California and all we did was smoke pot and eat mushies on the weekends. Or take off to California with some chemistry majors just to party. When she got pregnant accidentally we moved to where we are now and settled down. I got a decent job and things gradually went down hill. And for the last 5 years or so it's been a one way conversation. One thing you are absolutely correct about is she is still a child. Idk how that mentality originated.
.... THIS is the problem.
My guess would be, after "accidentally" becoming pregnant, your wife is depressed as $hit about the life she "could have had." Although it sounds like you added more kids to the mix.
Same user as above. It is hard on a woman to give up dreams for kids. I feel depressed sometimes thinking about the jobs I have had to turn down because they wouldn't be a good move for my kids. But, in the end, I love them, I'm young and doing well for someone so early in their career, and I believe in God that I will make new, better opportunities for myself. Plus, we have a nice house in a good school district and all sorts of amenities.
But it would be easy to give into the depression, and it sounds like maybe that's what happened to your wife. She never imagined living this life, and now she just plain out isn't going to live it.
You have no idea how observant your reply is. Sometimes when I talk to anyone I know about it I usually just makes people pity me and then think badly of her. I don't want that. So I just generally don't even bother talking to people I know about it. It sometimes makes me feel pretty alone on the matter. As if I'm the only one who has ever dealt with this. I know that's not at all the case but it feels like it. Just knowing somebody else gets it, that things aren't as black and white as most people assume, makes me feel better.
Often times I wonder if my wife is just so deeply traumatized that she just constantly feels the way she does, because of it. I knew that could be so. Which is why I've never pressured her for any sex. It's apparent she's never been very concerned with that aspect anyway. I honestly just thought woman were predominantly less sexual than men for awhile, but again total misinformation on my part. I'm certain that her past is at play there. But ultimately I understand that totally. Honestly I'm not concerned with sex all that much myself. I couldn't live with myself knowing that she was uncomfortable with anything sexual.
I also think you're right about how she regrets how her life turmed out. I am myself. The only confusing thing is she says that isn't so. That shesaid perfectly content with the life we have. Then just a few days ago she opened up and said to me she thinks about her childhood a lot and it's made it worse since her mother moved in. I knew she wasn't especially open about things from her childhood but I assumed she trusted me enough with those sorts of things that she would've said something by now if she felt otherwise. Now it occurs to me that maybe she don't want too after all.
Anyway. Thanks for putting in some intrest. I hope things work out well for you toon user.
You got raped? Are you seeing someone to get through the trauma?