So I was dating this chick for three years and we were in love if you wanna call it that. We were planning on having a baby and tried but sadly she wasn't healthy enough to carry. I ended up leaving her because she cheated on me not physically but talking to a couple people over facebook. I also cheated but I figured when both are cheating that's when you know shit is fucked. I found out and confronted her, it was the last straw because her family already hated me and wouldn't let her come out to see me or go on dates or anything. Mind you she's grown. On top of that she had a very sketchy past as well, one that I can only describe as sluty. She has serious dad issues and mom issues something I didn't really correlate with her actions back then. Whenever I would want to talk to her she would talk but then would end up just giving me bits and when I would think it was over she'd drop another piece next month and continued for awhile. So I was always in a constant state of meh. It's been two years since I left and were now "together" again. The first couple of weeks was cool. I told her we needed to talk and we did but like before she didn't really say much. Then we ended up having our first argument and she completely shut down afterward and I tell her to talk to me, and she said at first she doesn't trust me then she said she's trying to protect herself but these things are true then why talk in the beginning? Either way she winds up going to see a psychiatrist or whatever and they tell her she has manic depression which is bi-polar. Now she says she doesn't want to be with me and yada yada. What's stranger is that when she's drunk she loves me and says all things a guy wants to hear. I decided to ask her when drunk once why she doesn't say these things to me when sober and she says it's because I don't deserve it and then she'll speak about herself as if she's different people.
Need Help Understanding My Girlfriend
Continued.
Like drunk so and so loves you and sober so and so I don't know what's up with her and cocaine/meth so and so hates you. She has had a recurring problem with that. I judged her before no doubt, and she tells me so along with saying I abandoned her. But now she's completely shut down and treats me like I'm just some guy, she's even told me when high and part of her wants me to suffer. I always change her mind when she wants to leave but she feels really really distant now. I want to make this work but It's so difficult. I honestly don't know what to do, she doesn't care if I stay or go. What's up with her people?
Soundz like a meth head to me
She never smoked it, I understand that aspect because I was worse off then her and have been sober 6 years from that. And she hasn't done it in a month
What's up with her? She's a manic-depressive meth user. Why are you expecting stability and reason out of the living embodiment of chaos and impulsive behavior?
Uhm, how old are you two and why would you try to have a baby if your relationship is that rocky and you‘re not even married? Sounds like you‘re both not even in the slightest ready to have a mature and functional relationship.
To get back to your question: her issue is that she can‘t be honest. Don‘t worry, she doesn‘t do this to manipulate you or hurt you. She‘s just not capable, because she‘s not use to withstanding the tension that comes with telling people uncomfortable truths. She does what most people do. Swallow the real issues because they don‘t dare to be honest. Being honest even in the face of being confronted with the uncomfortable consequences is one of the most daring and mature things one can do. Not many people ever get to that point in their lifes, so no need to roast her over it. There could even be a further issue. She‘s not even aware of those unconfortable truths she‘s swallowing. Some people are so bad at reading themselves, that they genuinely have zero clue why they‘re blowing up again. They might then desperately grasp on to silly stuff and claim that that‘s the issue (for example, the issue now is that you don‘t put the toothpaste back in the correct way and not the fact that she feels taken for granted). This will lead to countless very fruitless arguments and will ultimately end in tons of resentment.
If you want to learn a thing or two about the (scientifically researched and approved) dynamics in romantic relationships, you could start with the books by david schnarch.
Good luck.
When we were together the first time she was sober with me besides a couple times we drank together. She was somewhat normal then now I feel she's even worse
It crazy because I feel like I don't know this girl, like I said she was sober with me the first time. But from what she told me so far is a trip, she was with a guy for 9 months and they didn't have sex for 6. He ended up being a little guy so he was scared, she knows it wouldn't have worked but she still used him because he took her places. But you could be onto something, either way I can't tell if she cares for me anymore. I tell her so and so im fucked up over this, I'm smoking like a pack a day and she doesn't care she says what you do isn't my fault, fair I must say but she was never this cold with me ever.
I donmt exactly get what you want to say with your post.
What i gathered is this:
You don‘t understand why she likes you when she‘s drunk bit not when she‘s sobery (which is common, alcohol tears down those walls of swallowed uncomfortable truths. That‘s why people who swallow anger get agressive when drunk, people who try to be cold and distant get lovey dovey and touchy feely, people who are serious suddenly crack jokes constantly and so on. Her behaviour suggests that there‘s a lot she‘s not telling and showing, but again, that might not have anything to do with you but simply with her inability to be honest ).
There was a guy and for some odd reasons she told you how long they wates to sleep together. Why did she tell you that? Why do you feel like he was a „little guy that was scared“? Would he have fucked her sooner if he would have been a „big guy who dare“? What kind of logic is that and why do you even care? How does this information affect the relationship between you and her? Do YOU take her places?
Do you need her to show you she cares by being on to you about how much you smoke? Do you need her to tell you „stop smoking, do it for me. I need you healthy, since i want to spend atleast the next 100 years with you“? Maybe that‘s not how she shows affection. Look up the 5 love languages if this confuses you.
It‘s normal that she‘s cold with you. It seems like your relationship is a complete chaos. You‘re both absoultely tangled in weird and unhelpful drama. And don‘t get up on that high horse yet, you‘re not less a drama queen than her.
You both can either fight and then start to hate each other and go separate ways some day or you‘ll dee this as a fucking good opportunity to mature and learn how to have a sane relationship. Your call.
>There was a guy and for some odd reasons she told you how long they wates to sleep together. Why did she tell you that? Why do you feel like he was a „little guy that was scared“? Would he have fucked her sooner if he would have been a „big guy who dare“? What kind of logic is that and why do you even care? How does this information affect the relationship between you and her? Do YOU take her places?
In the OP I explained her how her parents stopped us from having a normal relationship, she's now 24 I'm 23 btw. With that said I just asked her did you have a serious relationship when I was gone? I don't care who or how many people she fucked I wanted to know if she feel in love. So she explained there was this guy and they were together 9 months and went into detail, he was small and it's completely unlike her to waste time on someone like that. So I said why would you use someone like that? It surprised me how she just used the dude, I never got that vibe that she was that type of person ever
>Do you need her to show you she cares by being on to you about how much you smoke? Do you need her to tell you „stop smoking, do it for me. I need you healthy, since i want to spend atleast the next 100 years with you“? Maybe that‘s not how she shows affection. Look up the 5 love languages if this confuses you.
She use to be this way though, like said she shut down and just says I don't care to everything
I just want us to have a normal relationship, my friend told me just love her and eventually she'll open up but I know her too well sometimes and I knew she wouldn't and she eventually told me she wasn't planning on it anytime soon
I came from Jow Forums to tell you to kys
I respect that lol
Why do her parents dislike you?
She obviosuly has issues. She has her reasons why she went into detail. Probably to make you jealouse. Which actually shows that she cares. She want you to also care.
As for the whole „idgaf“ attitude, she already told you, and it‘s probably the truth. She‘s trying to not let you close in order to „protect“ herself. Problem is that that‘s not how this works. But she doesn‘t know that. She thinks that by being cold and uncaring towards you, she can inföuence how she feels about you. She wants to not get too close because either you‘ve already hurt her or someone else and she doesn‘t want to get into that situation again. It‘s basic logic and makes perfect sense. If she wouldn‘t do that, she would be beyond stupid. Like a little kid that touches the fire again and again despite getting burned over and over without becoming more cautious and learning lesson. You can only help her get over her fear of getting burned again by making it save flr her to trust you. Which is probably impossible in the situation you‘re both in right now. She‘d need to trust you as a person and your relationship. I‘m honestly not sure if itms already way too late for the two of you to fix this. You‘d both have to learn so much first, i don‘t think your fragile and beaten up relationship would be able to withstand this for long enough. But hey, you can always try.
>Probably to make you jealouse. Which actually shows that she cares. She want you to also care.
She made the dude sound awesome at first then told me the truth, I'm not jealous of a 2 inch dude that she used.
>As for the whole „idgaf“ attitude, she already told you, and it‘s probably the truth. She‘s trying to not let you close in order to „protect“ herself. Problem is that that‘s not how this works. But she doesn‘t know that. She thinks that by being cold and uncaring towards you, she can inföuence how she feels about you. She wants to not get too close because either you‘ve already hurt her or someone else and she doesn‘t want to get into that situation again. It‘s basic logic and makes perfect sense. If she wouldn‘t do that, she would be beyond stupid.
I did hurt her like I said before, I judged her when she opened up to me years ago. But she talked to me in the beginning of the relationship were currently in. Of course with holding lots of info but talked none the less, so I don't get her logic then.
How did she use him?
Would it have made a difference if his dick was huge? I don‘t see the logic in that.
I don‘t think you get what‘s going on. Even tought you think that you have a past and a present relationship with her, you two definitely didn‘t start on a clean slate. Everything that has happened before the break is still relevant. You judging her is still extremely relevant, and why would it not? She felt rejected by you and tt will not be easy to recover fron thag if it us even possible. I‘m not sure why you felt the need to judge her. I‘m sure she did some things that weren‘t honorable to bring that judgement on to herself, but here‘s the thing: in a relationship, you are always calculating from scratch, if you can live with the shortcomings of your partner. And you can never know, when that balance tipps over. It might happen right when you meet someone. Their attitude just repulses you and it‘s clear that there won‘t ever be a chance of a relationship forming between the two of you. Or you might go on a few dates and one day, the way she treats the staff at a restaurant makes you not want to ever have kids with that person. And so on. You‘re never on the secure side of this, as you will continue to discover new sides in yoir partner and eveytime, you‘ll have to recalculate if this is still the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. Ofc you can take some stuff that isn‘t ideal. But there‘s a point where it is too much, too bad and that would be the point where you‘d have to end the relationship. The issue there is that it isn‘t that easy. A lot of people stay in relationships sometimes imes for decades after getting to that point for a lot of other reasons. For example: where would i go if we broke up/ i‘ll never find a girl that good looking again/ my parents would freak out/ i don‘t want my kids to have divorced parents/ the sex is awesome/ i enjoy the drama, aaaaand so on.
Those relationships are extremely unhealthy, but i can tell you that this is the caese in lost relationships. It will lead to people hating each other and resentment piling up. The ominous „we driftet appart“ bullshit.
She told you something that you can‘t accept. You don‘t want a partner with that kind of past. Who made those kind of choices. Yet you stay, for god knows what reasons. And she knows that. She knows that you stay for something else and kot because you genuinely want to spend the rest if your life with her. That‘s what‘s eating this relationship up from within. She knows that you‘re still judging her for that thing you judged her in the past. But now she also knows that you are trying to stay with her for some weird resson she might not have figured out yet. Maybe you‘re deadly afraid of being old and lonely. Maybe you just want a live in, selflubricating sex doll. What doni know. I only know that you two either have to make huge changes or this will end disastrous.
>Would it have made a difference if his dick was huge? I don‘t see the logic in that.
Sex is important in a relationship and when the guy literally has a 2 inch pecker that can't simulate you that's a problem. She's a very sexual person, so to hear all this is really wew. But he took her everywhere so I guess she didn't care until she came close to cheating on him because of said small dick.
I'm OP not that post.
Either way I do accept her and I told her idc what you did just talk to me about it. But none the less she doesn't believe me
I don‘t think you‘re mature enough to be in a relationship if you still think that the grade of sexual satisfaction in a long term relationship boils down to „how big his dick is“. That said, the fact she „came close“ to cheating because of said issue indicates that she‘s not any better in that regard. Win win. You two can marvel in the utopia that your sex life will just magically be great because your dick isn‘t 2 inches.
As i said, she could be a burned kid not just because of you. Maybe others have judged her before and now she fears you‘ll do the same and since she obviously does give a fuck about what you think of her, she‘s reluctant to „destroy the idea you have of her“.
>she obviously does give a fuck about what you think
I hope so, maybe she's just very sad about what's she's done and it hurts her to discuss it too. I figured this and the judging trust issue to be it. But she's so fucking distant and cold I can't get through to her
That‘s probably exactly the issue. It might or might not be tied to previous reactions from you. But that doesn‘t matter. What you two lack is genuine intimacy. And i mean emotional intimacy. It‘s not easy to recover that, but certainly not impossible. What it needs is vulnerability, and daring to be honest. From both of you. Again, here‘s the problem that you can‘t force her to be honest. But you sure can lead by example. To do so, you have to first learn to be honest with yourself. Make an effort to observe yourself. Why do you react the way you do? Why do you believe the stuff you do? What has led up to a situation. And so on. Once you get better at that, let her in on it. And hope that she will catch on. It‘s your only hope.
An example for being self aware enough to be able to tell her would be this:
You get up in the morning after you barely slep because she kept waking you up unintentionally. Moving around, snoring, going to the toilet,... you‘re already a bit pissed, but you don‘t notice it yet, because you‘ve gotten used to her disrupting your sleep. It‘s „normal“ now and you just accept it. You get to work and you find out that one of your co-workers has called in sick, which means that you will have to also take on his part. Which will be stressfull and you also suspect that he‘s not really sick, just taking a day off. So that further destroys your mood. It‘s lunch time and you realize that you forgot your wallet at home. You have to eat an old cereal bar you once left in the car. It‘s yucky and you‘re now hungry af. You have to still endure half a work day that way. Whem you get home, you just want to eat the leftovers from yesterday you‘ve bewn thinking about all afternoon. But they‘re gone. You ask her what halpened to them and she tells you she threw them out because she doesn‘t like eating leftovers. Now you blow the fuck up. You tell her that she‘s wasteful and ungrateful. Things get ugly quick.
bump