What do you do when you get into a relationship thinking your partner is one way, and then suddenly months later, you realize they aren’t who you thought they were? This happened to me.
>meet qt 3.14 at work
>he is obsessed with me and wants to be my bf
>I tell him about my very severe anxiety and the fact that I’m scared to date anyone who watches porn, as it makes me feel ugly and insecure
>promises me he’s not a degenerate and he doesn’t do porn
>first few months of relationship- he tells me I’m the most beautiful girl he’s ever met, and I have hardly doubts in my mind that he’s lying
> we have sex 5+ times a week and it stayed that way
>9 months later: he tells me he’s gonna start looking at porn again, tells me it has nothing to do with me and that I shouldn’t be hurt
>I tell him how it makes me feel unwanted
>he acts like a totally different person, he doesn’t care that he made a promise and he doesn’t seem to care about my feelings
Idk what to do. I’m convinced he’s lost interest in me. I feel so ugly and gross. My anxiety is through the roof and I had to get back on my meds just because of this. I won’t say it’s all in him, because I have a lot of mental issues that are impacting my emotions, but is this worth breaking up over? He’s still very attractive to me, at least on the outside, and he said he still loves me and he doesn’t want to break up.
Should I Break Up With My Boyfriend?
>we have sex 5+ times a week and it stayed that way
Try at least twice a day. Idk that's sad he can't listen to one simple thing
Men are all slobby sex-driven losers. That's all they'll ever be. Don't ever settle for one or expect anything different. Just focus on your emotions and your bank.
What’s funny is that I’m totally cool with that, but he told me multiple times that his sex drive isn’t as high as mine and that sometimes he feels forced to do it with me.
But that makes no sense if he wants to look at porn instead. I told him that. I told him that if I always put out, why would he feel the need to replace me? He told me I’m really good in bed, and we do all kinds of different things to make it exciting. He still gets excited by me when we do it, so I don’t understand... He told me he just needs “alone time” and it has nothing to do with me or my performance or my appearance. It just sounds like a red flag to me, especially since he promised me he’d never do it again when we started dating.
It's fucking porn, learn to stop worrying about little things. You should be more worried when he goes to bars with his friends or w/e.
And I'm telling you right now he watched porn way before he told you the truth
Kek, this advice only works for men--not wimen.
How old are you?
21
Sex can be a bit of a hassle, and it's nice to occasionally just rub one out. The fact that he told you rather than just do it behind your back shows he clearly respects you, but also feels these demands that stem out of nothing but your own inability to be happy with yourself are unnecessarily restrictive. This seems more like an issue you've got to get over yourself, rather than expect the world to cater to.
>expecting men to not look at porn
It has nothing to do with you or how beautiful you are
Most men think of sex at least once every 30 minutes minimum
I don’t mind him masturbating at all, I just can’t comprehend why he’d have to use porn and jerk off to people who he isn’t in love with.
If I bought a 9 inch vibrator and started masturbating to hot guys, it WOULD be because I was less attracted to my boyfriend. Because I don’t have feelings for them.
There’s nothing wrong with having testosterone and thinking about sex more often than women do. But why do men think about other women just as much, if not more than their significant other? I understand why guys would use porn if they’re single or if their partner won’t put out, but why would a guy who found what he describes as his “ideal gf” do it?
Jesus, then fucking do it. You are a woman and your prime age is like now and he is wasting your time. Compared to men, women only have a small opportunity of time where they can pull a suitable mate. Don't waste your time with a boy when you could have a man.
What do you look for in a guy?
Because we are wired differently and date and work from totally different paradigms. Don't take it personal.
I look for what I initially saw in him.
I want a guy who has a lot of willpower and someone with traditional morals like me. I want a guy who’s intelligent hard working and wants to be a good father.
On the more shallow level, I really do think my bf is at least a 9/10. Looks are still very important to me, because I can’t bear the thought of anyone dating anyone who isn’t attractive enough to keep their eyes from wandering.
It’s be easier to not take it personally if:
1) I didn’t have diagnosed severe sexual OCD
2) If I didn’t think monogamy is the only morally acceptable kind of relationship
We are just like that, don't take it too seriously. Its similar to scratching a mental itch of sorts.
Get angry if he does stuff like flirting with other girls.
Your inability to grasp the nuances of the male sexdrive does not validate your paranoid concerns. You are not and will not ever be the only thing in the world to turn him on, even if emotionally he is 100% devoted to you, and porn is a safe and nonthreatening way to deal with that. If he's using fleshlights and the like - yeah, that'd be weird, but him occasionally having some me-time with something new and shiny while not letting it detract from what he does with you is something you should be getting over.
He basically wants to do what he wants and doesn't care about you. If he can have you every day of the week then he barely has time to masturbate so this makes no sense. However I think you should know that ninety nine Percent of dudes watch porn. The only ones who aren't going to are probably some kind of extreme Bible banging Christians who think it's a sin.
If that's the only thing that is bothering you then you are borderline insane. He likes you, you like him, every fucking guy i know who has a partner watches porn. That's it. Dont overthink shit.
You can tell me the male libido and their desire for sexual excitement is normal, sure, but you can’t try to tell me that an industry that is almost entirely based on the Internet, a relatively new thing, is also normal. Porn is not natural, dude. Going on the internet and watching other people have sex isn’t something that human beings have ever done until the past, like 30 years, if that. Just saying.
>Traditional morals
>Premarital sex
Bro
"Natural" would be him fucking you, you trying to tie him down with more sex to raise the child for better quality offspring but him still going around fucking other women because the stupid caveman brain wants to create more offspring with different mothers to maximize the odds of his genes making it to the next generation. Be glad there's porn.
Porn has existed as long as drawing and painting have, it is perfectly normal to look at porn.
Unironically the only reason I think it’s morally acceptable to have premarital sex with him is to prevent him from having a reason to cheat on me
Why do you think tavern wenches and prostitutes have existed since the dawn of civilization? Men have a habit of wanting to mess around, porn just lets them do it without in actually involving anyone else.
If porn is so “normal”, then why have I never masturbated to it in the 21 years I’ve been alive?
Why can’t guys do neither and fucking have some self discipline? It’s pretty fucking easy.
There was porn in ancient Egypt. It was around during the Roman Empire it’s just evolved. Shoot be glad brothels aren’t a thing anymore.
It's just porn, no big deal. The problem is that he made a promise and is breaking it, but that he has the decency to tell it to you is a point on his favor.
I don't know, it's a pretty dick move.
Brothels still exist...
Well, that's the point, before the internet it was hard.
Now we have computers on our phones, wi fi everywhere and porn is just 15 seconds away from us
We see more naked girls on a fap session than a king on middle ages saw on his lifetime
The desire was always there, but now we can actually satisfy it easily, for free, at home
Bro
Morality aside however the solution is to get over your hatred of porn, think of it as an outlet to keep him from looking to other women. If you can't do that give him an ultimatum. There isn't anything to really debate here nobody will convince you porn is acceptable and nobody will think your paranoid low self esteem is healthy.
>Before the internet it was hard
>Hey I want to buy this magazine
>Ah yes anal sluts monthly I will stop this conversation before it gets more awkward
>Hey I would like to rent this video
>Hmm girls gone wild, pretty generic
Again, you are overthinking it. Is he wasting his life away watching porn? is he addicted? is he not fucking you anymore? is something in his life and yours different?
no?
Expecting a man to not watch porn is insane. They will always fantasize even without porn. You will never find a guy who will never watch porn.
Exactly. Everyone is trying to debate me about porn but that’s kind of beside the point. The point is that he lied to me. If he lied to me about prom, how do I know he isn’t lying to me about anything else? I want to think he’s a good person, but it’s just that my trust in him I had gone down to zero now. Regardless of anyone’s opinion on porn, this guy got into a relationship with me knowing that I have body dysmorphia and ocd, and he told me it’d be easy for him to totally quit porn, as it “wouldn’t sit right with him” (his own words) to do it while in a relationship with me.
Wut where?!
He isn’t fucking me anymore. He hasn’t for the past month. I’m not even kidding.
True, still, There are some barriers there
Having money, wanting to spend it on porn, having the courage to face the seller, planning where to hide the physical object
Nowdays you can easily search the most twisted fetish you have with none of those problems
He lied about watching porn. Wow, didn't expect that. If you think because he lied about this that he could lie about anything, then you are not wrong. People lie... but at least he lied about something so insignificant as to not hurt your feelings
Ok, now that's different. Talk to him, get a therapist to help if he wants to.
I had the feeling that this was more than just porn.
The fact that he actually told you about what he wanted to do rather than just do it shows that he doesn't want to lie to you. He's kept it up for 9 months, but noticed that it's become increasingly hard and maturely decided to tell you that he can't ensure he'll keep that promise.
That's not lying, that's him finding out and admitting that it might have been too much for him. Get over it or break up if it actually ruins your entire relationship.
So dump him you stupid slut. FFS this isn't hard.
That’s true, he told me he didn’t want to hurt my feelings. But we haven’t had sex ever since. I really don’t think he wants me anymore. He hardly texts me anymore and he makes zero effort to see me.
I think you are being unfair, you cannot expect a dude to not watch porn. It's like getting mad at fire because it's hot.
He was even upfront about it and told you about it, presumably because your harsh view on porn made him feel guilty about it.
Sorry for saying 'about it ' so much
It doesn’t ruin the entire relationship, but it’s kind of the last straw given the fact that he’s grown so distant and he’s downright rude to me now. Almost everyone I know has told me he’s abusive, even before I found about about him lying to me.
Judging by this
>he didn’t want to hurt my feelings
I would say there's hope. Try talking him and ask if he wants to end the relationship or try working it out with/out a therapist help. It seems like you want to make it work so be the one giving the ultimatum.
Did he tell you and then suddenly started to avoid you or did you by any chance react "rather poorly "?
Wew, forgive me for being skeptical but as the thread is increasingly not going your way all of a sudden massive bombshells get dropped left and right to validate your side? Anything else you may have wanted to put in the OP to paint a clearer picture?
I definitely do want to make it work, otherwise I would just break up with him immediately instead of posting this in the middle of the night.
Like we had problems way before this, and I feel like I’d be way less upset about porn if he’d just treat me with more respect in general. Therapy is a good idea.
I reacted poorly because he told me in the middle of an unrelated argument that was already really intense.
No, there are no more “bombshells”. I just didn’t want to make the post too long, and I didn’t expect many people to respond at all.
Based on your post my guess is that you are very submissive and he is very dominant (even narcissistic). It's probably the main reason it worked for a while. Try being more assertive.
So you were having an incredibly intense argument, somewhere around the end you "reacted poorly", and now he's distant? And you are absolutely convinced it's about the porn? Nothing at all to do with the heated argument?
Every time I try to be assertive, it causes an argument. He always says no one can tell him what to do and no one can change his mind about anything. I’ve kind of just given up on being assertive at this point. It always ends very poorly.
Nope, because the day after he dropped the bomb and we had the argument, I took a bunch of xanax and told him I was fine with him doing whatever he wants and that I love him. He told me he loved me even more, but he still remained distant for a month of me taking drugs and pretending to be okay. Lmao
You need a psychiatrist not a boyfriend you fucked up insecure hoe
Lmao I know. But my insurance doesn’t cover mental health and I’m broke. Also how am I a hoe?
Don't talk to him anymore. Let him be the one to decide if he wants to try again. There's not much you can do anyway.
Quality advice desu
Thank you
Then Maybe don't be a burgerfag next time you get born
look up covert narcissist on youtube
Maybe offer to have him record the two of you having sex/performing sexual acts for him to jack it to later? Still something to rub one out to when he's not in the mood for sex, and since it's you it shouldn't make you feel bad about it.
Don't you dare to support her psychotic behavior with such suggestions
Already tried all that. It worked for a while, but gradually we stopped having sex altogether and every time I sent him anything remotely lewd he’d hardly react at all.
Fuck off.
Hang yourself you fucking enabeler