Back when I was born, my parents decided to give me a foreigner's name so my last name wouldn't clash too much with my first one. Because of that I've been bullied throughout my whole life for having a different name. I don't like how it sounds and since my father left us when I still very young I don't feel any kind of attachment to him or his culture. I don't look like a foreigner either, I could pass perfectly as a local with a healthy tan if it weren't for my name. People always treat me differently when they hear my name, like I'm some kind of animal at the petting zoo.
I got really tired of living like that, so I decided I'd start working out, trying out new hobbies and being more social, but I first had to take care of my anxieties so they wouldn't impair me anymore. It was going okay up until I talked to my mom about my name. No matter how calmly I talk to her or repeat myself she just never even tries to understand me and she always bails on our conversations.
My mom won't let me change my name, what do I do?
For example, I had researched all the local laws and procedures regarding said name change. She told me it'd be too expensive and that I should know better than anyone else that we're low on money. Usually, I'd understand her saying that, but just earlier this year she kept asking me if I wanted to go to a convention for my birthday like I did last year. At the bare minimum, going to the convention alone would cost us at least half of the money required to change my name and update my personal documents. And this morning she told me how she's planning on ordering several frames to show off my paintings with (since I don't get an allowance I usually just draw something for her birthday, with the one exception of this year where I managed to get her some money for her to use as she wanted, too) and later she asked me if I wanted her to buy me some stupid corn knob holder because she thought it was cute or something. In other words, even if we really are low on finances, she's only using money as a bargaining chip whenever it's most convenient for her. I don't know why she won't let me change my name. No matter how much I try talking to her she always ends the conversation with some dumb excuse about how she's tired or something like that.
So, I'm left with this dilemma to solve. What am I supposed to do now? I was thinking of running away from home for a couple days. I could go to the countryside near the city we live in where the motels are really cheap and spend a weekend there to show her how serious I am about this, but I'm not sure if that's the best way of doing it. Truth to be told, I'll feel pretty bad about doing something like this to her, but I don't think I have any other options available to me right now. That's why I'm turning to you guys to ask for help. What do you think I should?
What's the name
Depends on how you want to go about this, if you NEED her to pay for it, you'll probably have to guilt her, or tell her that all she's doing is delaying the inevitable and causing a rift between you both.
Or you can get a job and pay for it yourself.
I don't really feel comfortable sharing it here, but it's a South American one and I live in Eastern Europe.
It's honestly not that much money, especially with how willing she is to spend it on other things. I can't get a job because of...obvious reasons. If I were 18 I wouldn't need her approval, you know. I'm desperate and have no one else to ask for help, so I ask the mods have mercy on me at least until the thread gets closed.
Mama got BLACKED
But seriously Captain, you have to be 18 years of age to post on Jow Forums.
I don't have any friends or family to ask for help, otherwise I wouldn't be asking on Jow Forums out of all places. ;;
ok, how old are you and how much do you need?
also, how well do you communicate with your mother in everyday life?
Don't eastern european children have summer jobs?
oh and what country is it?
I'm fifteen and like I said, the amount isn't the issue here, it's my mom not wanting to cooperate with me for some reasons I can't understand. She's willing to buy me shoes I never asked for, clothes, a gosh darn corn knob holder, pay for me to attend a convention and other useless things, but when it comes to changing my name she falls back on the "we're financially unstable" excuse.
>also, how well do you communicate with your mother in everyday life?
Barely talk to her outside of her showing me cute images on her laptop and arguing with her about all sorts of stuff.
Some do, but it's hard to get a job without connections at my age and my anxiety is really crippling, so I wanted to work on self-improvement before asking around.
Bulgaria, not that it matters much.
It sounds like your mom is broken, desu.
Can you sell anything of value that you own?
Not really. I even gave her some money (don't ask how I got it, it's a long and unpleasant story) on top of the painting I made her since I didn't know what to buy her with it and I wanted to be nicer to her. She told she'd buy herself something and give the rest back to me, so that's even less money for her to spend. She keeps nagging me about how she should buy me a language course for me study during summer vacation, whether online or not, so that's even more money she's willing to spend on things I don't want. I'm really confused because on the surface level she really is doing her best, cooks for me, keeps me well-fed and all that jazz, but she just won't do this simple thing for me. I don't understand it. I don't understand how she can do so much for me and then act like I'm the worst person in existence only a couple minutes later. I'm tired of this.
You're sure she didn't pick the name?
You can try telling her that you'll make your current name your middle name.
ok, this is a hard issue and there may be no way out of it. Let's try though
First, you have to understand that it's definitely a great issue for your mother. She's single, has to work for both of you, probably never had much cash. those are pretty stressful life conditions. They set people in specific mindsets.
Even if it doesn't seems so, it's very likely that she tries her best to be a good mother. it's pretty hard to explain the importance of it to somebody as young as you are. Just imagine there is just a single task you have to do right in your life, nothing else. your whole world depends on how you manage to deal with this task. This is parenthood.
now, she either loves you or convinces herself she does. It is definitely very important for her and if she was proven otherwise, she would face a severe mental breakdown, as her whole worldview would get challenged.
And here you come, trying to get rid of something she gave you. Something that's an integral part of you that she basically created you with.
this generates an intense tension for her. If she's a good mother, you should be grateful and thankful, but instead it seems you are trying to get rid of your mother from your life.
This hurts her, user. Hurts like a bitch.
Now don't get me wrong - I am not taking her side. I'm just trying to show you how she probably feels and why it's so hard to convince her.
(cont)
(cont)
So what do you do now? I see a couple potential options:
-you must be able to get free psychological help. At 15 you should be still going to school and have a psychologist there. even if it's holidays now, they may be available.
Even if not, there may be some free public center you could go to. For example here in Poland I have a 'Crisis intervention center' where I can go to at any time of day and night for free psychological help at any time of day and night. Google for similar stuff in your city.
Psychologist would be really useful for both you and your mother to act as a mediator. They would really show your mom how much you care about the subject.
If that's impossible, you may talk to your mother directly. It's a hard task. Your goal in the conversation would be to convince her that you actually love her and want her in your life, are grateful for what she does to you and that the name thing is about your own life and not hers. You could even let her use your old name at home if she cares about it.
it's important that you listen to her wishes and opinions and try to go for compromise. Think about it long and hard before trying
you can also postpone changing your name. Don't fool yourself - you don't need to start dealing with your issues from the hardest one. Work on other things instead and see how that helps. Even if you'll still feel like changing the name, it will be easier once you already work on yourself some.
and don't forget that your papers matter pretty little. Go and ask your friends to call you by some other name and ignore the fact that officially your old one remains.
She had it planned to be X (X in this case denotes said name, call me paranoid, but I don't feel comfortable talking about my name) ever since she wanted a child, but changed it to the closest available Hispanic equivalent once she ended up with my father due to his last name. I'm perfectly okay with changing my current name to the one she originally had in mind AND I found out I can change my family name, too, so there won't be any cultural dissonance between my two names. I even told her I want my family name changed to hers, so she should be happy about it.
>has to work for both of you
I know it's not the main point of your post, but after a mysterious illness a couple years ago she hasn't been able to work. We're reliant on what the government pays and child support from my dad, but he sends it very rarely and it's been half a year since the last time he did. She argued he'd get angry if he learned about me pretty much cutting ties with my Hispanic origins and family, but there's literally 0% of him finding out in at least several years.
>If she's a good mother, you should be grateful and thankful, but instead it seems you are trying to get rid of your mother from your life.
Like I said, if anything I'm pretty much getting rid of my dad and tying myself to her family name and culture.
>-you must be able to get free psychological help. At 15 you should be still going to school and have a psychologist there. even if it's holidays now, they may be available.
Even if not, there may be some free public center you could go to. For example here in Poland I have a 'Crisis intervention center' where I can go to at any time of day and night for free psychological help at any time of day and night. Google for similar stuff in your city.
Our school's psychologist is a god damn hack and I'd like to be over with this before starting the new school year, so I'll do some research on what's available to me here in Bulgaria.
cont.
I doubt anyone would listen to me about this issue, but I guess it wouldn't hurt to try. I should be looking for free psychological help from a professional, is that it?
>You could even let her use your old name at home if she cares about it.
She only ever uses it when she gets really angry and starts shouting at me, she usually just calls me by my nickname which will be the same even if I change my name since both are just alternate versions of one another. It's the same kind of deal as, for example, the Slavic Georgi and English George.
>Don't fool yourself - you don't need to start dealing with your issues from the hardest one.
Already started following sports and other more outgoing hobbies, started working out at home and I want to sign up for boxing classes, but I want to change my name so people don't have to think of me with that name. Even if they use my nickname they'll still know I have foreign blood and they'll start treating me like an animal or an exhibit like people always do.
>Go and ask your friends to call you by some other name and ignore the fact that officially your old one remains.
>friends
All of them started ignoring me when my depression got worse the end of this school year and most used my nickname anyways. Even if most of my school know as me "that Mexican guy", having my name on paper combined everything else I want to change in myself would give me the strength to go up to them and laugh it off. It's stupid, I know, but I need something to hold onto.
>I should be looking for free psychological help from a professional, is that it?
that's right. and if 5 years of studying psychology taught me anything, it is that a professional *will* consider this an important issue.
now, I expected that you want to change your name to something completely different. Not sure what the deal with your mother might be anymore, but maybe she's just afraid of the father's rage or something. yuo can never really know.
the fact that she can't work is even worse than if she had to work a lot, because that sets her finances on the fixed, low level, without any hope of change.
I still think you should simply introduce yourself by another name to other people. before school, nobody will even know.
anyway, good luck
>that's right. and if 5 years of studying psychology taught me anything, it is that a professional *will* consider this an important issue.
I did use to go to a psychologist, but it was due to a different nature and I'd honestly forget about it since she didn't really help me and the whole thing was super embarrassing. I'll look for free professional aid, even though I doubt there's any available to me.
>but maybe she's just afraid of the father's rage or something
He lives on his own with his family in America and she actually calls him out on a bunch of shit over their emails, if he wanted to do something to us he would've done it way earlier.
>I still think you should simply introduce yourself by another name to other people. before school, nobody will even know.
Teachers use full names, so yeah, not gonna work. And it's not just because of other people, I really do despise my name and my fear of even more people learning about is enough to make me not want to sign up myself for some kind of sports and get out of the house. So even if I manage to last a day or two without people bugging me about it, it'll still be there like some kind of time bomb without a time display on it for me to know when it'll blow up and make me get a breakdown and regress back into my depressed shut-in mode.
Anyways, thanks for taking the time needed to help me out with this, I really appreciate it.
At least you weren't named pajeet