Alright Jow Forums, this is not a joke. I am planning to fight a seagull one on one. Here's how the story goes.
> yesterday, neighbour warns me of an aggressive seagull who has set up camp in my estate, explains that she was attacked by the seagull unprovoked while taking out trash > neighbour in question is a little weird so I doubt it and laugh it off, chalk it up to her being weird > fast forward about eight hours, I'm shitposting on /b/ at two in the morning and decide it's a good time to take out my dog for a walk > i decide to not wear earphones as my ears are still recovering from a solid three hours of Hatsune Miku music > this works out in my favour in the end > as i'm walking my dog, i go into the park in my estate which has a very high seagull density > i notice one seagull in particular perched on a cross atop an apartment block, Batman style, being all inconspicuous and shit > as i'm beginning to walk out of the park and go home to catch some shut eye, this motherfucker trails a beam toward my head and swoops down, missing my scalp by a good few centimetres >ohfuckohfuckohfuck.jpg > i damn near have a heart attack and begin running for my life with my dog in high pursuit, the seagull just behind us > my right sandal breaks off mid-run for whatever reason > briefly notice asshole neighbour who lives in the apartment block sitting on some steps smoking a ciggy and laughing at me running away from a pissed off seagull, half barefoot at two in the morning like an absolute madman > fuck that guy honestly, he could have helped me > the seagull breaks pursuit once I leave the park, leaving me panting and passing some other neighbour who probably thinks I just witnessed a murder > mfw I lost a fight and ran away from an asshole seagull
I checked today and confirmed that the seagull is still there. I'm prepared to return to that park again at two in the morning tonight, and beat the shit out of this seagull.
You need 2 things, you need a camera to record the fight and a baseball bat.
Report back to us.
John Rodriguez
I think you should skip the bat, take him on like a man
Eli Morris
Recording it might be tough. The most I could do with a camera is record the fucking thing screeching while it does its best to kill me.
Kevin Moore
get a shot gun and explode it into feathers
Liam Stewart
That's what I was thinking as well. Because this thing is so fast, I think any sort of melee weapon would be more of a hindrance than it would be of any help. I used to do boxing a lot a couple years ago, and I still have some of my gear in my spare room. I'm thinking if I put on a headguard and some gloves, I can take this thing no problem. I just need it to fly low enough near me so I can knock it the fuck out, and hopefully kill it.
Speaking of which, would it be legal if I were to do this? I don't live in America, I can't just shoot the thing out of the sky and go back to bed. Is there any enviromental law in place which would prohibit a citizen from killing a seagull? I mean, this is going to take place at night so I doubt anyone will see, but still, I'm not going to jail for this fucking bird.
Unless a SJW records it, puts it up on Twitter and sets several hundreds of thousands of other SJWs on your ass, you're fine.
Hudson Robinson
A fish net actually wouldn't be too bad of an idea, guaranteed that it was big enough, of course. That way before I kill it, I could immobilise it and make it listen to Lil Pump. Then it would know true suffering. Too bad I don't have one.
Grayson Jackson
had a similar situation a couple years ago
i went to the park in my fursuit (for armor) and basically acted like a human until it zoomed in on me then i turned around and acted like a hungry and angry wolf
the little shit left town and didnt look back
Adam Martin
I'm actually not too sure if anyone will see me doing it. I live in an estate with a lot of families, so most people tend to be asleep pretty early, but there's always some fucking person having coffee or smoking on their porch late at night. To be honest, I give no fucks. If they do see me, the least I will do to the seagull is knock it out and run away.
Daniel Thomas
You're just mad that I fucked your bitch, OP.
Her pussy smelled like tuna.
Levi Myers
At least the observing neighbours may call ambulance in case the seagull manages to fuck you up. Good luck OP, avenge me too!
t. was repeatedly attacked by a moth Luftwaffe-style until I opened the window so it could fly out of my bathroom, as if I ever invited that little bastard in or locked it inside on purpose ffs
Colton Perry
Holy shit, that sounds way more fun. At what time of day did you do this? I never thought I would regret never buying a fursuit.
Also, I forgot to add this detail in the original post but while in the park last night and today, I noticed that the dickhead seagull had a partner with him. I have no way of knowing who is the male or female. If I fight this seagull, is there any chance that his bitch wife will assist him? I don't like the odds of taking on two seagulls at once, it means I'll have to defend myself on two fronts and my guard will be weakened.
>I nestled up with OP's neighbor that he has a thing for; she's a little screwy but IDGAF >apparently she spends the rest of the day telling everyone and their mother about it >whatever, ain't rustling my feathers >It's about 11 PM and suddenly I start hearing fucking weeb music blasting from OP's house >this shit continues for three hours AT LEAST >suddenly it stops >thank God! >but then I see this little faggot and his dog march into my terrority, giving me the evil eye >think "oh shit, he's gonna send his dog out on me!" like anyone reasonable would think >say to self "fuck that guy; it's about time I show him that the world is MINE!" and decide to kick his ass (self-defense from his hunting dog and shit, like some Trayvon Martin shit) >swoop down and get a hit on his scalp >little bitch goes running >keep flying around making sure he doesn't come back >go fuck his neighbor again like a boss
I beat your ass once, OP. Don't play your fucking weeb shit again and don't send your dog on me like some little pussy. You do either of these things, and I'll make like a concord and peck your fucking eyes out.
Dominic Cooper
Alright you motherfucker, I didn't want to, but you made me do this.
See this fucking cat? This bad boy right here is the king of the residental housing estate. It does whatever it wants, shits wherever it wants, sleeps wherever it wants and I've personally seen it ruin the day of many a pigeon. Keep fucking with me, and this is what you're getting. A homegrown enemy of anything that has wings, including Boeing 737s. You're lucky I keep this thing in my house and not set it loose on you and your bitch wife. Step to me you feathered fuck, I dare you.
Yeah, try that. I know pelicans, bruh. PELICANS! You bring that little shit around and I'll just swoop down, grab him by his tail, fly up, and drop him from 25 feet in the air.
Hope he can land on all four or his little neck will be snapped just like that branch I tossed on some other punk's head earlier today.
That's right - you aren't even the only human whose ass I kicked today. My body count is sky high.
Oliver Thompson
make sure to wear eye protection, that's the most likely vulnerable area for the seagull to attack
also, learn to cook first if you don't already know how so you can eat the seagull afterwards
Wyatt Morgan
I was actually thinking of eye protection just now. The only thing is, I don't think I have any safety glasses, all I can think of a pair of shades inside my wardrobe, which would only hinder my visibility and field of awareness. Then again, I did go scuba diving years ago, I think the goggles which came with it should still be in my house somewhere. I'll take a look around and see what I can find.
Oliver Roberts
Update:
I just remembered I have a couple of Nerf guns in my spare room, with ammunition for them. How effective would Nerf foam bullets be against a seagull? Keep in mind, all of the Nerf guns I have are bolt-action, the only automatic one I had, I broke years ago.
Yeah, bring your little toys. I'll rain furious shit from the skies the likes of which have never been seen before onto you.
Jaxon Gray
The only poop I will be seeing from you is when you shit yourself as I kill you in one punch in front of your wife. Then I will take your wife into my home, make her feel comfortable and turn her into chow mein.
