My boyfriend cheated in a previous relationship and never told her. He broke up with her afterwards, but he never told her. I'm not concerned that he's going to cheat on me now, but I'm afraid that if he ever cheated on me with another girl, that I would never know and continue to be with someone who wasn't loyal to me.
How do I address this?
>I'm not concerned that he's going to cheat on me
>I'm afraid that if he ever cheated on me with another girl, that I would never know and continue to be with someone who wasn't loyal to me.
So, you are worried about him cheating on you...
Being afraid that your partner is going to cheat on you, and being afraid that they'll cheat on you and never tell you are two different things.
I did this to my ex girlfriend when I was young. I cheated on her with 3 women. Now I've been with my current girl, whom I plan to make my wife. I'm a different person than I was then, I used to be very concerned with being considered the alpha Male. Now I'm just concerned with making my woman happy and having a good life. Growing up changes people, you just have to decide if this guy has matured and learned from the capricious mistakes of his past. I know I did.
>My boyfriend cheated in a previous relationship
How did you learn that?
>Being afraid that your partner is going to cheat on you,
>and being afraid that they'll cheat on you
That's the same thing!
I don't actually think he'll cheat on me; the relationship we have is something I have faith him, and he's reassured me that he wouldn't do such a thing again, and that if he wasn't happy in the relationship, he would address it another way. I don't think he'll cheat on me, but the thought of being with someone who's cheated on you while you're completely oblivious is worse for me than finding out he did cheat on me.
>I cheated on her with 3 women.
Does she know?
He confided that in me. He told me that if this relationship was gonna go forward, I would have to know what he did. I didn't even ask him if he had ever been disloyal before, he just sat me down and told me.
I trust him. I believe he wouldn't cheat on me. It's just a bit difficult to not think "so did the other girl, but if you did that to her, you could do it to me".
>taking things out of context
>taking things out of context
>Wanting to get a burger and wanting to get a burger but not telling your partner are two different things.
Is that sentence right? No it's not. Neither is yours.
But those are different things user.
I cheated on my ex several times, but our relationship was much more complicated, depressing, and toxic. Dated her for about 3 years.
I've been with my wife almost 4 and have never cheated on her. We never fight, the sex is still good, and we make fun out of anything. I wouldn't give this up. I confided in my wife about everything I did to my ex too. So your boyfriend may be like me, or in other words appreciates you more than his ex.
My ex doesn't know.
My current does.
>It's just a bit difficult to not think "so did the other girl, but if you did that to her, you could do it to me"
You know, a whoredom isn't all about girls, and about cheating on you he'll tell one of his future partners.
>It's just a bit difficult to not think "so did the other girl, but if you did that to her, you could do it to me".
> but the thought of being with someone who's cheated on you while you're completely oblivious is worse for me than finding out he did cheat on me.
Oh my God, this has to be trolling of the highest caliber. You are literally saying you are worried he will cheat on you (and hide it)!
>You are literally saying you are worried he will cheat on you (and hide it)!
not to whiteknight but that is literally the issue
>what if he cheats on me and leaves me for someone else
vs
>what if he cheats on me and i remain with someone who doesnt love me
If he cheats on me and tells me, then I can deal with that. But what if I stay with him and find out that I was cheated on, and that he had never told me?
Yeah, and she doesn't admit it. Read the posts made by OP, man, she says she is not worried about him cheating.
>I'm not concerned that he's going to cheat on me
>Being afraid that your partner is going to cheat on you, and being afraid that they'll cheat on you and never tell you are two different things.
>I don't actually think he'll cheat on me
>I trust him. I believe he wouldn't cheat on me.
That's why she is either a master of denial or trolling.
You have said several times you are not worried about him cheating on you. Do you think it's a possiblity or not? Do you trust him?
>But what if I stay with him and find out that I was cheated on, and that he had never told me?
i mean thats just kind of the risk you take with any relationship
I'm going to to try and provide something constructive here.
OP, as a guy who has cheated in the past, there is a couple things to keep in mind: circumstances and context can change someone's behavior drastically.
For me specifically, I was depressed and felt undesirable, coupled with the environment (moved across country, lived with gf and family in very small town, couldn't break up without being homeless)
I felt guilty, obviously. Your bf likely did too, especially if he had the balls to tell you.
If he told you, he likely wants a relationship that is far more open and honest than his last one. At the very least, give him an opportunity to live down his mistake. If he also didn't make excuses for his actions, give him extra faith.
>For me specifically, I was depressed and felt undesirable, coupled with the environment (moved across country, lived with gf and family in very small town, couldn't break up without being homeless)
>If he also didn't make excuses for his actions, give him extra faith.
lmao, what a huge piece of shit
sounds like a major character flaw if you cheat on someone and never tell them, OP.
in what context did he tell you? did he confess or did you discover it yourself?
if he told you, then maybe he really has matured or changed
does anyone else just assume their partner is cheating on them the entire time no matter what even if they seem entirely trustworthy and there's no reason to suspect anything?
i feel like that's more sane than believing they won't. it's better to just make peace with the idea to soften the blow if/when it happens. idk
>i feel like that's more sane than believing they won't
Being constantly convinced you are being manipulated is not that sane, mate.
>sounds like a major character flaw if you cheat on someone and never tell them, OP.
Agreed.
>in what context did he tell you? did he confess or did you discover it yourself?
see >if he told you, then maybe he really has matured or changed
I think so too.
what does that have to do with being manipulated?
There is NOTHING healthy about this. You are softening the blow IF it comes, but you're preventing yourself from ever truly having faith in your partner and enjoying yourself.
some telling you they are loyal when they aren't = manipulative
If I pretend to keep a monogamous relationship with you and cheat on you, then I'm manipulating you.
then that's actually promising. i think it's a normal reaction to be concerned about it, but the fact that he told you himself is awesome. it takes courage to be able to admit something like that to someone you love; sounds like a good guy to me
you're not really being manipulated unless you actually believe what they tell you
i'm talking about resigning yourself to the fact that probably everyone will cheat on you at some point
Well, I'd cheat on such a depressing party pooper too.
>Lmao, what a huge piece of shit
Nice bait
what is depressing or party poopy about it?
you can still enjoy your relationship just without unnecessary delusions
not baiting, just laughing at you for not seeing your own hypocrisy
>you can still enjoy your relationship just without unnecessary delusions
Dude, if you really think everyone will cheat on you,then I'm not sure you are enjoying yourself too much. Just saying.
But you are either trolling or your life is so sad that you can't imagine trusting someone else. Either way, I can't solve your issues.
i'm coming for a more pragmatic frame of mind, not cynical.
it just seems like it's pretty much human nature and to really believe that it'll never happen to you seems a bit like setting yourself up for being hurt when it's not really needed
Have you ever cheated on a partner?
If you're not scared he'll cheat on you, it makes no sense to be worried about this.
Of course, you cannot know *for sure* he is never going to cheat, you cannot know he's going to tell you about it if he does.
There's no way to be 100% sure about such things.
Even if you talk to him about it, words are just words and it could be an empty promise.
If you feel so uncomfortable it makes it hard for you to date him, dump him.
no. i don't think i'm the kind of person who could do something like that.
>no. i don't think i'm the kind of person who could do something like that.
Hope this is someone trying to set you up user, becuase if it's not, then you are the most arrogant dumbass I've ever encountered.
How could I be hypocritical? I told my ex, and then I was homeless for 5 months. Also, a motivation and an excuse isn't the same thing. An excuse would have been blaming my ex. The fuck you want me to say? "I cheated because I'm evil and morally fucked"? No, go fuck yourself. "Once a cheater, always a cheater" is a farce perpetuated by people who lack the empathy or critical thinking necessary to have meaningful relationships.
>inb4 smug anime + "haha get baited fuccboi"
idk why you feel the need to get so hostile.
i don't see what's arrogant or dumb about it. i think i know myself better than you do.
Are you human? I thought cheating was "pretty much human nature", right?
yeah that's why i said "i don't think"
i'm not saying it's impossible i just can't fathom a circumstance where i personally would really feel like that was a good thing to do or something that would make me happy, based on my personality.
yet people do it all the time and even contemplate and plan about how/if to do it as evidenced by the hundreds of threads made on this very board of people doing just that. are you really going to pretend like struggling with monogamy isn't a common theme in relationships?
>yet people do it all the time and even contemplate and plan about how/if to do it as evidenced by the hundreds of threads made on this very board of people doing just that. are you really going to pretend like struggling with monogamy isn't a common theme in relationships?
If you come to a board about seeking advice for problem, you won't hear too many good news.
Also, life is more than Jow Forums.
It depends on whether your boyfriend has grown and learned from the experience. People cheat for different reasons. Some are trying to fulfill a fantasy, others are hurting themselves on purpose. Some are psychopaths, but I don't think that's the case here.
The fact that your boyfriend told you about this unprovoked means he's probably changed since then. That's no guarantee that he won't cheat on you (nothing is), but I think you can at least know that if it does happen he will probably have the decency to tell you.
A lot of people on Jow Forums are incredibly absolutist about infidelity, probably because they have no relationship experience, but honestly a shitload of people have done it at some point in their lives, if they have a dating history at all. What matters is learning from your mistakes.