>From the age of 8 when my father abandoned myself and my father I’ve had it tough.
>I used to be a shy and sensitive child growing up.
>My mother abused me as a child.
>She married a guy who supported her but didn’t like me. He beat the shit out of me and kicked me out of home when I was 16, because, “I was a pussy who couldn’t make it anywhere in life”.
>I was homeless for a week, dropped out of high school and got full-time job to support myself.
>Ever since then, I’ve subconsciously viewed sex as a sinful act, I lost my sensitivity, I even lost my humanity to an extent.
>I started to view people as objects or “livestock”, that were no different to cattle.
>I joined the Military when I was 18 in a job where I had to train and learn to kill people.
>I was good at my job, got promoted and received universal across the board for my dedicated professional and good conduct record.
>One day, one of my fellow comrades over-powered me and pretended to rape me in front of my subordinates.
>Two months later, I got demoted for, “unsoldierly qualities”.
Help
> I went on leave in Europe for 3 months by using the Leave days I had saved up.
>During the first month, I had a nervous break-down. I even cut myself to make myself feel better. I had dreams, where I’d wake up in my hotel’s hallway, naked and wrapped in my blanked without knowing how’d I even got there in the first place.
>I’d have dreams of dying, being murdered in many wonderful and creative ways during that month.
>Second month in Europe, I travelled far and wide.
>But shit got dark.
>In my darkest episodes, I’d go into the alleyways with spare Euros and give that money to people who looked down in the dumps and I gave them money and told them to go buy drugs or alcohol with it.
>I started to do things like that, only remembering very brief moments of my actions.
>During that second month in Europe, I can only remember waking up, having breakfast and the rest is a blue.
>I don’t even remember some of the countries I travelled too, but when I look at my passport, it says I travelled to two different countries I have no recollection of going too.
>Unlike most people my age, I’m different.
>I have no sex-life, I cannot maintain intimate relations nor close friendships.
>Every day I take unnecessary risks to my life for no reason, and I can’t come up with an answer of why I risk my life.
>Some days, I walk on the edge of my balcony just to see if I’d lose balance and fall to my death.
>All the relationships I have are shallow and hold no meaning to myself.
>I can’t have relate to people who crave for and strongly desire sex or human interaction, it seems alien to me.
>I can only feel anything or a rush from risk. I’ve tried all sorts of drugs and narcotics, I cannot feeling anything from them or even when I take a high dose, I can’t feel high. It’s the same feeling of boredom, flatness and nothingness.
>I can’t feel nervousness anymore, I can’t feel love, happiness, sadness, anxiety or remorse.
>All I feel is a constant flatness regardless of what I do.
>I feel like I have no purpose in life, I’m only existing.
>I feel like I only exist for the entertainment of society and the only reason I have survived up until to this point is because someone or something along the way chose to keep me alive for their entertainment.
>I don’t feel human, I feel like an objective.
>I feel like someday, regardless of what I earn or achieve; it will all be taken away from me at the drop of the hat or the entertainment of someone else.
>My worst fear isn’t death, but it is humiliation. I do not fear death, to me it just means dreaming in silence.
>However, when it comes to humiliation; I let fear take over,
>My worst fear is to relive the moments of humiliation I’ve experienced; such as when I was humiliated when I got beat up and kicked out of home when I was a teen. My mother, step-father and sister laughed at me in front of my old home, as I walked off into a city I wasn’t familiar with. They laughed as I started crying walking into the abyss.
>When I was raped, it was in front of other people. They all laughed as my tormentor over-powered me and stripped me of my clothes and proceeded to assert his dominance over me. Even today, I get flashbacks to that moment, I relive the humiliation and constantly feel the pain I felt whilst I was experiencing it.
>I wish I could be normal, feel normal and be a normal person but no matter how hard I try, I can’t. I keep re-living those moments.
>I’ve found a main theme is present for me: that theme is rejection. It is rejection from society from my own family, comrades I fought beside, former lovers who have slept with me and even close friends who’ve told me that I cannot show empathy.
>And they’re all right. I was weak, emotionally nullified, non-empathetic and couldn’t even feel love. Maybe I’m doomed to this existence for the rest of my days. I wish I could be normal and like everyone else.
>Why is it that I only feel emotion when I put myself at risk or harm’s way?
>Why can’t I feel emotions like a normal person?
>Why can’t I feel empathy for my fellow man?
>I wasn’t born this way. I was born normal.
>I even remember in my childhood that I felt strong emotions, it even influenced my behaviour.
>I was even an overly sensitive kid who cried when someone made me feel a slightly negative emotions. I got overly happy and felt those happy emotions of euphoria, happiness, love, gratitude and friendship. And those emotions were overpoweringly strong.
>But after my family went to shit, I kept feeling those strong emotions of sadness, anger and grief.
>I felt those emotions constantly for so long, that they became an every-day part of life.
>When my mother started dating when I was a kid and more often than not; took some random met that she met at the bar every night, and when I could hear their moans and grunts of pleasure as a kid after being abused by my mother; my mind started to become abstract.
>At first, I muted and numbed my feelings of sadness and anger.
>Not long after when I was a teen, I started to become religious and followed the Catholic teachings. I started to view meaningless sex as a sin, as per the Catholic Teachings stated.
>Then I became disgusted even when thinking of the act of sex. Porn was a sin, self-pleasure was an unforgivable sin and the very act of adultery of again, an unforgivable sin.
>I started to become very religious, prayed every night and followed the teachings of God.
Frankly, you need therapy.
You need someone to help you "unpack" your life and help you make sense of it. For one thing, it's highly unlikely that you haven't developed some sort of psychological or personality disorder due to your history of "abuse". Also, the idea that you've been "correctly" interpreting the world in all this time you've spent alone, without another perspective, without cognitive bias, is also highly unlikely.
I'm also not going to guarantee that this will work, and even if it does it would take a very long time.
Man you done fucked up. I really don't see how anons could help. Go see a psychologist. Also, I would recommend that you retire from the army for a bit and go volunteer somewhere like Africa. Just to calm down for a while. And don't use drugs. They won't help.
Regardless of the naysayers and fedora tippers that are going to reply to me. Seek out Jesus and give Him a try
Fucking fedora tipper here that does not believe in that BS, but for if it would help OP, then why the hell not? I was a believer and I know that you can get pretty relieved and calmed down when you remind yourself that someone is watching over you and will reward you.
I'm honestly not surprised that the person spouting religion is the one that has either such a low attention span as to not read the entire story, or has no reading comprehension skills.
His last post mentions his forays into the world of religion, particularly catholic.
>I religiously followed god’s word every-day, every-night I would pray for my salvation as an early teenager.
>Upon my further readings of the Holy Bible, I soon discovered and realised I was a sinner.
>Unlike those sinners who committed adultery and indulged in sex before marriage who could still be given, I as I was could not.
>By relinquishing the act of sex as a whole as a disgusting act, I started to develop other tastes and other means of gaining pleasure. These acts were unholy acts.
>At that time, I lived in the country and had a close connection to the wildlife.
>The local animals that visited my house were my true friends.
>One day, one of these animals being a possum who has like a pet of mine, showed up dead at the front door of my House and had a snake-bite.
>I was filled with anger and hatred at the time. I wanted revenge.
>It was at this time feeling this anger and yearning for revenge, I felt a great pleasure.
>That night I went out, I murdered around 20 Toads and a Snake with a kitchen knife and a hammer and thoroughly enjoyed it.
>I was committing an unforgivable sin at a young age, but yet, took great pleasure in doing so.
>I continued doing this for years until my mother married.
>I was a sinner who took no pleasure in love, friendships or relationships at the age of 13.
>When my mother married, I moved to the big city.
>I left my close childhood friends behind.
>My mother moved to the big city to live with the man who she met at a local bar in my old home town; after 4 weeks of first meeting him.
>This man was very old-fashioned, he had kids, but he used to hit them to discipline them.
>Since I was the eldest son and child of my mother, he used to hit me,
>He hit me because I wasn’t strong enough, athletic enough or smart enough to make it in what he deemed, “as life”.
>Eventually he beat me up, kicked down my bed-room door, beat me up some more and threw me out on the streets in a city I hardly knew. He laughed at me, my mother laughed at me and I wondered into the night.
>During this time, I tried I repent for my sinning ways and tried to change into a true despicable of god himself. I tried but I failed miserably. I dropped out of high school and remained homeless.
>My only salvation was through of place of sin, the only place that gave an underage person like I was a job that was, “under the table”.
>My first job was picking up glasses at a local brothel. After service hours at the brothel, I was responsible for cleaning the sheets in the beds, cleaning the rooms and cleaning the bar/club at the reception until I was 18.
>I went in trying to survive, I came out with an ironic distaste for humanity after witnessing and cleaning up after the scumbags of society.
>I’m however incredibly grateful for the job, it saved my life. Without it, I would’ve surely killed myself. But it changed me.
I know this might sound like a ton of horrible and crushing things to label you but keep in mind that these are just broad terms that don't define you as a person and are just meant to help guide you to find a specific type of help to get you better and have a happier life.
it sounds like you may have ptsd, intense depression and some other severe disorder, possibly bipolar disorder.
you need to try your best to relax, settle down and seek quality mental help to get you grounded back in reality and then go back to getting the things that will make you happy in this life.
If you have any questions about why I'm saying this or what it means or why you should bother sorting this out please feel free to ask. If you do decide to go through with this please make sure you put effort into finding a quality mental health professional.
>After that, I joined the Military as a front-line troop.
>I learnt how to kill in various ways.
>I went through and passed 12 months of Special Forces training.
>I graduated as an “assault-man” and I was posted to a commando regiment.
>I never got selected to deploy because of my young age at the time, most guys who got deployed to Afghanistan in the commando regiment were 24 years or older.
>I did well, again I got promoted to an NCO within the regiment after only 2 years serving.
>But like I said before, a fellow NCO “jokingly” pretend to rape me in front of everyone by overpowering me.
>2-months later I got demoted for another reason that was vaguely unexplained and I went on that whole European Holiday.
>I met people like me, I found a brotherhood.
>I served the remainder of the three years in the military before getting out the honourable way.
>Today I’m out of the Military.
>I’ve been out for three weeks and it’s funny having people thank you for your service when you mention that you served in Special Forces. It’s flattering.
>My brothers in Europe offered me a job doing hostile environment security in both Afghanistan and Iraq.
>But now, maybe I’m growing up and becoming more sensitized. I don’t want to continue working a job where I have to kill people.
>I’m sick of thinking about killing, training to kill, fantasizing about killing and living in a highly stressful environment.
>I’m sick of having no sex-drive and viewing people as objects, I’m sick of pretending that I’m doing the world a favour by killing ‘bad-people’ like I was encouraged to do in the Army.
>I want to live a happy and normal life. But now, I have finances to deal with.
>So far, the only real skills I have are in without sugar-coating it; killing. I’m sick of it.
>I want to see a head doctor, make them make me normal and start fresh.
>But now, I’m worried it’s far too late.
>If I simply stop, I risk being homeless again.
>I’m sick of it all, I’ve out-grown it but I’m still stuck in it.
>If I continue, I’ll be doing mercenary work in another country.
>What the hell do I do?
Entirely, those episodes where I have no recollection of what I did, is a form of split-personality disorder is it not? I want to overcome that shit. I entirely do need therapy, I need a god damn doctor to fix my shit in my head out. I may have survived and gone from being homeless to a functional adult thanks to it, but now, I've out-grown it. Now it's starting to literally kill me.
I know I need to see a psychologist, but psychologists cost money. I’ve adapted and overcome obstacles even in my childhood years through support even through anons. Although at one stage I was talking exclusively to former mercenaries and some in cases former hitmen. But they got me through the shit I was dealing with at the time, maybe not in one piece, but I still go through and survived.
That’s why I’m asking you guys for advice. So far, regardless of my sociopathic tendencies, I think I can over this and those tendencies through some good old-fashioned talks and getting shit off my chest. Drugs don’t do anything for me, believe me, I’ve tried all sorts. Already retired, trying to start fresh.
These days, I don’t believe in region, although I might start going to church soon to see if it helps me deal with all this shit.
Cheers senpai.
>
You’re right they do! Just goes to show how alienated I was, even as a child, all those years ago.
Trust me senpai, your input isn’t horrible or crushing too me. In fact, it’s productive input. Yeah that work psychologist that work made me see because of nightmares told me from those nightmares alone I have PTSD. I probably do have intense depression and some other sever disorder that frightens people or hell if I did end up having bipolar that probably explains a hell of it, so if I do; I guess that’s peace of mind.
Thing is senpai, I am very relaxed and settled down. That’s the shit part about it, because other nut-cases would be bouncing up the walls if they were in my shoes because they can’t accept it or that they have a problem. You see senpai, I accepted there was something seriously wrong with me in childhood, even before I got kicked out of home and became homeless. That’s what kind of unsettles me. I’ve accepted the abnormal, lived with-it for all these years, somehow became a functional self-sufficient human being in that time and now I want to change all that and fix my problems since I’ve retired from my “abnormal” government career that specialised in doing unsavoury things to people on behalf of the government.
I don’t think I need mental help just yet. I’m still high functioning but yet with all these fucked up mental problems. I can function as an adult, only difference between me and a normal adult my age: I have no sex drive, empathy to a certain extent or skills in how to socialise on a deep level! But I want to get those!
Again, I think I can sort out my fucked-up head space by old-fashioned means of socialising, talking and getting advice!
All in all, I recognize that I developed sociopathic tendencies, but luckily for me I know I wasn’t born with them. They were developed by my mind to deal with the constant abuse, homelessness and fact I worked shitty jobs at brothels in my late teenage years and shitty governments job training to kill people in my government years! Since I’ve retired from that government work, even though it’s been 3 weeks I’ve calmed down quite significantly. I mean for starters, I’m over the whole wanting to kill ‘bad people’ aspect and wanting to continue to live in highly-stressful environment aspects. Maybe I’ve grown up.
But the thing that still lingers is: the constant alertness; the inability to trust people even those who I get intimate with; the whole surreal feeling of not being a human being; the nightmares; the whole survival mindset; the feelings of inadequacy; the depression that comes from being alone and unable to connect; and more importantly, the desire to go back to my old ways.
Believe me, that desire is strong. Even when I go out, I have the whole mindset of dealing with threats, find myself pondering on what would be the best way to evade a Terrorist Attack or Hostile threat and how to neutralise that threat. Even when I’m on dates! It’s totally fucked. It’s like I’m living in a war that doesn’t exist.
But don’t get me wrong. Unlike my teenage years and early adult years, I don’t feel pleasure in hurting things anymore. In fact, these days; I take more pleasure in thinking about how to protect things. Today, I utterly despise people who hurt other people or animals for their own self-pleasure. It makes me utterly sick. But that’s where I’m at today, years ago I wasn’t liked that I was fucked. But today I’m a bit different. I believe that life is invaluable.
You haven’t found Jesus if the most prominent note is viewing sex as a sin.
You need structure with a clear mission. The military was a half-answer. The church, although respectable, probably isn’t going to help. I highly recommend the United Parcel Service for you. It’s like the military with packages. They’ll probably promote you immediately.
I find work is the best medicine for when we get lost in our own heads.
Can I get a tldr?
You’re not describing sociopathy aside from the ‘I used to like to hurt things’. You’re describing hypervigilance, chronic anxiety, and paranoid schizophrenia masquerading as PTSD.
Now if you ever hurt animals or people, that requires a psychiatric evaluation, just to figure out how to help you. If you only thought about it, or wanted to, that’s likely nothing to worry about, we all deal with stress/abuse differently growing up.
But really, the last thing you need to hear is that there’s something wrong, as your also a hypochondriac.