How Do I Become Genuine?

How do I start becoming genuine and stop fearing being alone so much? My greatest fear is that I'll end up alone with no friends or relationships so I feel like I need to act like a character and tell jokes to prevent that. Like when someone actually does open up to me and shows vulnerability I don't know how to act. I end up just telling a joke or trying to solve their problem and it gets me nowhere. I just feel so alone sometimes and like I am always playing a character and that I have no idea how to be myself. People always say to just 'be yourself' or whatever but I feel like I have no idea who that is beyond my anxiety about being alone or ostracized. Funny part is it hasn't really had an impact on my life so far, I have friends and have had past relationships but it just feels so disengenuous and that I have to act a certain way or I'll be cast aside and left in the dust.

I just want to be able to not feel like I am acting or feeling or saying the wrong things or have to play a character or act a certain way to be liked. I want to become 'myself' or just not have to overanalyze and overthink everything, so I can stop focusing on being validated and form true deep connections. It's a really meta topic, and I've been thinking of seeing a therapist but I'm just nervous. I want to get past this and I'm scared I can't or that I won't be able to learn how and I'll just sink deeper and deeper into self-doubt and self-enforced isolation and doubt since I fear I can't make friends due to not being able to act a certain way or keep up my character. Any advice, or solace will be appreciated more than you know. Thanks

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I was fake when I was young out of the fear of being alone. Th en I became myself in college and was very lonely. Lost all "friends" and didn't make many new, though the few friends I've made are still my best friends over a decade later. Eventually I grew to become a more well rounded person to have enough acquaintances to not get bored. Also found my wife who loves my true self. Can you imagine faking yourself into a marriage? That'll truly make you lonely forever. I'm just rambling like an old man but what I'm saying is, yes you'll be lonely for a while but it's worth it. That imo is what growing up means. Good luck op.

I can really relate to you user. And reminds me of myself from the past. What I recommend is that you should stop thinking about consequences and how people view you. And just think about the moment. If you feel like you are not being like yourself then actually start acting like the person you want to be. Remember that being yourself is good but sometimes there are parts of our personality that are not so great so you need to consider what you want to be personality wise and work towards to be like that, without losing your identity. When you start showing your true self you will notice that the people that truly care about you will stay with you, because it will show that they are true friends, that truly appreciate you. Also remember that you should not worry about saying the wrong things you have the right of free speech, if you do mess up shrug it off and learn, and be mature. I am really counting on you user

Yeah, I've kinda come to that conclusion too, I just need to grow up and man up a bit. Take responsibility for my own happiness and depend on myself. Might sound a bit odd but how did you become 'yourself' just like try out new things and not do it for others or to look cool? I'm glad to hear that someone in a similar situation found some happiness and got over that fear, gives me hope lmao.

I appreciate that man haha, growing up sucks. I guess it's a young adult thing and I need to just live in the moment and think about what I want to do and not what others expect me to do or whatever, sounds like it might be a bit tough but I'm sure I can figure it out with some practice. I'm just so concerned with not missing out on things and being alone that I fear if I am saying the right thing to be liked I forget what I actually think. It's a lot about all that ego people talk about in Buddhism I suppose. Maybe I need to just think of who I want to be separate from everyone and work on that. Can't please everyone, but it's so hard to not try LOL. I appreciate the post man, I'm glad to hear a lot of people felt this way and that it's possible to move past.

Yea that's actually it, I am now a very proactive person. The thing that really helped me was releasing that i should live in the moment, and just try out new things and not do it for others or to look cool. Now worry about the past or future and just speak my mind in the most respectable way. A teacher I used to have also helped me a lot during school and was the first step to my improvement.

That's really dope, this is gonna sound pretty degenerate but it's what started me on this journey was LSD. I started to trip a lot this year and it kinda just made me look back on my life and realize all of this and how fake I was sometimes and disingenuous I was and that when I was living in the moment and looking out for #1 I never worried about being alone and felt truly real. Living in the moment can be tough sometimes, did you just practice things like mindfulness and re centering and bringing yourself into the moment when you began to get anxieties? I'm glad to hear I'm thinking along the right lines, thanks for the insight by the way man, I appreciate it.

Yes i have. My brother is very zen, studies and follows Buddhist idealizes time to time. He also is very interested in psychedelics and stuff, he taught me how to meditate. His insight and guidance helped me towards improvement too.

Try following up with them, like "hey hope your doing better with x problem, I'm here for you". Yeah it feels fake, but it gets easier. Another thing would be to try and get closer with them maybe. I usually get drunk with friends and we talk deep shit sometimes. They usually follow with it and it makes the convo a lot easier. I guess what I'm trying to say is fake it till you make it. It sounds shitty but actually works. You gotta be enthusiastic about it is what I've found. Hope you figure it out man, good luck.

Yo, been told I'm a pretty good listener and just wanted to drop in a word of advice. Often when people open up and get vulnerable, they don't really need life advice or for you to try and make them laugh. They just need someone who will be attentive and listen. They don't need a "it's probably not that bad," or a "you'll get over it/it's a phase," they need a simple "fuck, that really sucks."

If the person is willing to talk about it (often they are, if they're telling you about it on the first place) you can follow up some questions that are basically "how does that feel?" but worded in different ways (like how have you been coping; how's your family; etc.)

Example:
"My dog died."
"Dang, I'm sorry. I've owned pets in the past and I know what it's like losing a pet" or "I don't know what that's like, but do you still want to talk about it?" and so on.

Remember, when someone's opening up they don't want to hear about you, they want to talk and have you listen. So don't go too far, even when relating experiences. Trust me, this has gotten me through many uncomfy conversations about topics I know nothing about. I talked to this kid about his PTSD, a girl told me about her inoperable brain tumor, another told me about her abusive parents. I even had a guy tell me he had a foot fetish (I met him in a psych ward...but that's neither here nor there). Good luck pal, social anxiety (in crowds) is something I really struggle with, so I can relate to not feeling comfortable in a social setting at all. Good luck!