So, I’ve been in a 6+ year relationship. Recently just bought a home with him, have 4 cats (we don’t want kids), got a job within walking distance of house, making lots of future orientated moves and shit. He told me last night he’s not physically attracted to me and he’s not even sure he ever loved me at all. I’m stupid, and hoping through talking and “working things out” I can like, change things. Like lose weight and better myself and he would want me but I know it’s bullshit. I want to kill myself, I suffer from some pretty hardcore BPD...I have convinced myself that no one will ever love me...I am so in love with him that being without him literally makes me want to die. Why the fuck do I love someone that pretty much hates me? What’s wrong with me? Other then the obvious...
Photo is us... My Kik is: PurelyPositive27 (Funny I know)
You have some pretty significant validation issues. You stay with and love someone that hates you because if you have extremely low self-esteem and have a difficult time internalizing that you deserve someone better. You let him shit on you because you're extremely codependent. You need his validation so much because you have no way of validating yourself. He is the entirety of your identity and self-esteem. If he feels good about you then you feel good about you. If he feels bad about you then you feel bad about you. You depend on him for everything because you're incapable of depending on yourself.
Additionally, he stays with you because he knows he can manipulate you and do whatever he wants and you hate yourself so much you'll stay with him. You both chose each other for very specific reasons. The more he treats you like shit the more desperate you get to please him and make yourself good enough for him. Shitheads like him know exactly what they're doing. The fact of the matter is you'll never be happy with him because not only is he not interested at all in making you happy but your mental illness will always win over your best intentions. You have no idea what a healthy relationship would even begin to look like and should you actually get better he'd probably leave you because a mentally healthy woman isn't what he wants. He wants a broken girl who hates herself and would tear herself apart to make him happy because that twisted dedication is what gives him worth.
You're not in love with him. You're dependent on him. He doesn't love you. He loves the control he has over you. He's dependent on that undying loyalty the same way you're dependent on him giving you all the self-esteem and validation you can't give yourself. Whats wrong with you is that you need a psychiatrist, a therapist, and to be out of this relationship. That is how you get better. The choice is yours.
Wyatt Ward
>He told me last night he’s not physically attracted to me and he’s not even sure he ever loved me at all. What brought this on? Please be as specific as you can.
Asher Baker
I think you need to ask for the reasons why he no longer feels anything for you. By having an open and honest discussion about why he is not happy with you, you can think about whether it's realistic to try and change to appease him.
For example, if he doesn't find you attractive because he doesn't like your face, no amount of losing weight will change that (although it's always good to work on yourself physically). If he hates the idea that you have BPD, this is never going to change and therefore, you're just not compatible.
Overall it sounds like a very unhealthy and toxic relationship. Why would he buy a home with somebody he has never loved? It doesn't really make sense.
Gabriel Hill
So he has been cheating off and on the entire relationship and when it’s starting to happen again I can just...feel it. Like he shifts and is different. Whelp, I went through his phone and found he was looking for motels in our area. I then found this (picture) and conversations on his Kik about him trying to meet up with someone to fuck. I confronted him, he tried to play it off. That the girl who ended up contacting was a paywhore and sent him a money request. He tried to tell me he was just feeling weird/unhappy and that he stopped himself from following through because he thought about me and how it would affect me. A friend of mine found the same post and catfished him on Kik and sent me all the screenshots. He was trying to meet up with her the day before my birthday (yesterday was my birthday) and was talking about how they could make out and shit. I confronted again, he tried to say he doesn’t know what’s wrong with him...he doesn’t know why he does this. We have been having a lot of long and drawn out convos in between...I decided to reach out to his parents. His mom in a psychologist and even if we aren’t together I know he needs help. Even if it’s not with me, I don’t want him to hurt anyone like this ever again. Convo with his mother went fucking amazing, they want to talk with him/get him in therapy and stuff. We talked last night for 5 hours straight and I just kept trying to understand. Idk if he was becoming angry, tired, or both but truths started spilling out about how he truest felt (he NEVER EVER talks about his emotions, and if he does it’s like pulling teeth) he said there was one solid reason he keeps trying to cheat...I kept asking him to tell me and he did...he told me he finds me unattractive and that my body type is completely unappealing to him. That I have gained weight and at no point in our entire relationship did he find my body appealing. That he keeps having to think about other people to have sex with me
Kayden Sanchez
You literally just completely described me and our relationship dynamic...like one of his huge reasons for not wanting to be with me is that I am dependent upon him for literally fucking everything and he just wants me to be independent and have my own emotions/be able to take care of myself. Which I know, and I have gotten bad but I’m really really trying now. I keep explaining to him how hard it is to work on myself and be independent when he literally just keeps fucking with me over and over by cheating and stuff. Like every time I take a step forward towards something better...it’s 3 steps backwards and now I am literally a completely broken fucking human...
Leo Jones
You need to leave. This is not remotely healthy and you really need to remove yourself from this situation and look after yourself.
Mason Rivera
It is incredibly difficult at this point. We just bought a house together, I don’t drive and my parents are over 45 mins away. I just started a job within walking distance, today is Day 5. All of my stuff is here, as well as my cats who I would be devastated to leave behind. They comfort me so much when he just fucks with me and I don’t know how I would function without them. I fucking love my family so much, and have an absolutely amazing relationship with them but have you ever felt alone in a room full of people? That’s my general feeling when with them, for no other reason then I suck and there’s nothing wrong with them
Alexander Miller
How do you suppose I know all of this about you? I've seen it a million times, user. Its unfortunate to say that your story is not an uncommon one. The fact of the matter is that this guy is using your mental illness to get what he wants. He may do what he has to to maintain the relationship but ultimately he doesn't give a shit about you. He cheats on you and makes you feel like shit about yourself because he knows he can get away with it. He himself is so pathetic that a mentally healthy girl with actual self-esteem would never put up with him.
You and I both know that this person you're with is not a good guy. You know that he isn't a good person but, at this point in your life, you need him. You would crawl through glass just to get him to say one positive thing about you because even being treated like a worthwhile human being for one moment makes all of the terrible things he does to you worth it. Stop me at any point if I've said something inaccurate.
Like I said. You're never going to get better with this person in your life. He doesn't want you to get better. He wants you to stay sick so that he can keep manipulating you and cheating on you and doing whatever he wants in your relationship. His behavior hinges on the fact that you're never going to stand up for yourself and treat him like the piece of shit that he is. He does it because he knows he can. He makes sure you feel terrible about yourself because if you actually had some self-esteem you'd realize that you deserve much better than him. Everything he does in this relationship he does for himself. I think you know that. If you want to get better you have to leave him and you have to deeply invest yourself into therapy and psychiatry. That is the only way you come out of this as a whole person. Its going to be very very difficult, OP, but its the only way. If you stay with this guy he's going to grind you down until there's nothing left.
Joshua Smith
Its not an accident that he has put you in a position where leaving him is scary and inconvenient. He keeps you close because he needs you dependent on him. He needs you too scared to leave him. This is just another way he has exercised control over you.
Jack Davis
This is the post he made in /soc/ that I ended up finding the other day. I tried to attach it to the reply about how I found out and it didn’t attach.
Ouch. Well, yeah. Look I'm really sorry but the pain of ripping off that infected band aid is going to be a lot less than if you let it stick there rotting away.
That ain't love. There's nothing wrong with you, by the way, people like that zero in on pleasant people (because everyone else spots them and tells them to fuck off).
You might want to chat to a legal expert regarding shared financial commitments and especially ownership of the cats. The latter can be more brutal than divving up kids btw, but with a lawyer in tow out of the gate you'll be in a much stronger position.
You should probably go round to your friends house and burst into tears later on today. You'll feel better. It ain't weakness. It may even allow you to dispose of your smileyface mask; holding onto that may be the thing stopping you from doing what you probably already know what you have to do i.e. exit that situation.
You are absolutely and completely right honestly. I am not sure how long you have been on these boards offering advice but you are so fucking intelligent and right. Like, you don’t even know me and just read me my entire life story. Everything I do for him is crawling through broken glass. He exploits my mental illness, he gaslights me. He tells me my therapy that I attend and mental illness are pretty much bullshit...that I’m just fucking awful honestly. Like he makes me doubt everything about myself and totally believe him. He gets so fucking bitchy when I straight up tell him he is abusing me. His fucking parents even admitted he is completely abusing me mentally, emotionally and psychically (he used to push me to extremes and I would cut myself...when he found me bleeding he would treat me like a dog that pissed on the fucking floor and make my friends/roommates tend my wounds and clean me up). He’s fucking sick, and demented and I know he needs help. Not for me, not to be better for me but in general. He tells me that meeting people from Jow Forums is a game, a cat and mouse chase to fuck with other people and their emotions because he literally doesn’t care what they feel. He told me last night he is trying to look for someone else, to really love but I know it’s not true I really feel that he is incapable of loving anyone
Aaron Robinson
you are full of potential
he doesnt seem ready for the mature relationship you deserve.
the 4 cats is a little over the top, one at most is the limit for not-weird.
Elijah Butler
Lawyer up. Kick him out. You don't have to go anywhere.
Jackson Green
>not bundling every cat you see into your boot on the way home each night I pity you.
Noah Brown
Honestly I really do feel like I’m a pleasant person and he really did seek me out...I am incredibly friendly/have worked and excelled in customer service my entire working career. My smiley mask is my constant state and he is really one of the only people that ever gets to see what I really am. I would literally fucking take a bullet for a stranger, or even an animal. I have fostered animals and done animal rescue for years. Like I truly believe I’m as nice as nice people can get...I don’t know why I think I deserve this...that I deserve only him and that’s the best I’ll ever get. Like I know the things you are all saying deep down. What just lives on the surface is someone who is suicidal and never even expected to even get this far. Like I truly thought I would have been dead by now, so I’m just wandering half assed through life like a zombie
Elijah Richardson
Sadly I don’t have any claim to this house. His name is on mortgage paperwork. Mine isn’t and I just handed him any cash I had/could borrow...because I’m stupid
Eli Morales
You know what you have to do, OP. Its going to be the hardest thing you've ever done but this man is a leech sucking every last ounce of energy or motivation you have to fix your life. As I've said, he needs you to stay sick. He needs you feeling worthless so he can continue to get away with cheating on you and treating you like a dog.
The only way you can do anything about your mental state is to pry this leech off and leave him. Him getting help is not your concern, OP. Right now you need to be in survival mode. Please don't think that I don't understand what an incredibly difficult thing this is going to be. Its going to be terrifying. Its going to feel like walking into a pitch black cave having no idea what is inside. Unfortunately, its your only option. You can either continue to waste more years of your life with a man that treats you like garbage or take a giant leap into the unknown and fight for a chance to be a healthier person. One is a guaranteed path to more misery and one is a scary, unknown path towards something greater. You have to make the choice. You have to look yourself in the mirror and gather every last bit of courage you have to do what your mind knows is right. Don't wait until things settle down again. Don't wait until he decides to be nice for a day and relieves some of your panic until the next time he decides to shred your self-esteem. Remember my words. Save them on your phone. Tattoo them on your fucking forehead. You have to get away. You have to save yourself. All you have to do is step into the cave.
Tyler Jenkins
You had "exploit me" tattooed on your forehead for him. Oh dear. Never mind. Wasn't your fault at all. Don't discount court of equity rulings. You may seem like you are in a weak legal position, but by their very nature court of equity takes stuff like "oh fuck, I'm a bit nuts in a non-harmful way, and just went with the flow" into consideration.
It's totally worth a single consultation. You never know, you might get 50:50%. Take as much evidence printed out on paper as you can.
Juan Morris
You should focus on loving yourself and find someone who loves you homie
